September 4, 2007

Dear Mom,

I try my best not to be angry at you. I know you mean well, but mom, somehow you always manage to cause harm!!

So many incidents come to mind right now… incidents I chose to let go of, for I knew it would do me no good to hold on to them, but for some reason they remain in the back of my mind to haunt me every time you act the way you do.

I know it’s who you are, I understand that you can’t help but blurt hurtful words when you’re emotional or worried, words that we both know you do regret saying afterwards. I know you get worried about me, but seriously, cut me some slack!! I am very angry at you right now and I am trying to restrain my language because I can’t restrain my attitude when you start attacking.

It’s always the same routine. You storm in and say something extremely insensitive, sometimes I try to not react and then you actually push it until either I reply calmly saying something provocative or just burst into a screaming contest with you. And then you start insulting me and then I tell you things like “the apple wouldn’t fall that far away from the tree now would it?” and it gets ugly!! Every single time!! Aren’t you tired?? I mean, we’ve established that you love me and that I love you. So why make it so damn hard???

Funny thing… well not really!! I was telling my therapist how you and the husband now hate each other’s guts and I said “it’s funny how two people hate each other for the very same things they have in common!!”… she automatically asked what the things you two have in common … 1) I said both of you are extremists when it comes to judging people, and by that I mean both extremes!!… 2) both of you can say the most hurtful words ever, then apologize so hard for them not realizing it’s not that easy to pretend it never happened… 3) the two of you tend to purchase anything you like excessively until you simply get too sick of it and it ends up thrown away or worse, abandoned… 4) both of you like leaving with your words said last… and 5) both of you walk away in the middle of the fight and leave me fuming with anger!! The only difference is that I made you angrier by always replying, and made him angrier by not replying at all!!!

Then my therapist smiled and said “no wonder you married him”… I was like “come again!!!”… she explained that I was agonized over how bad my relationship with you is, that my subconscious was content I found relief with a person who has that much in common with you, yet somehow accepted me for who I am!!! Whatever!!

As much as I would like to use this theory to blame you for whatever choices I made, I’d rather not!! I know I owe some serious flaws in my personality to you and I am ok with it really, I just don’t wanna blame you for anything, I really don’t!! Not because I’m a big person, but because I think my life would be much easier if I don’t. I hear my baby sis saying “but you do blame her all the time, even when you know it’s who she is”… I do it only when I am angry at you having to deal with your insults and extremely annoying crap… it comes out way faster than I can stop it!!

Now, I know it would hurt you a lot if I tell you what that therapist said. You would automatically pretend like she’s right, and then find ways to make a conspiracy theory out of her talk. You’d forget how much you admired her when I told you she said I did not need meds and that my anger issues were due to current circumstances (that day you would have called her personally to thank her), but now, you’d say that she’s turning me against you because it’s better to divert my anger or whatever….

But ma, let’s face it, we do have a problem… and by the way, it’s not just you and me, I mean come one, look at my sisters!! Both of them are avoiding you to their best… leaving you no one but me to yell at because you know you can always get a reaction out of me.

As for the divorce thing, stop combining baba’s thoughts and ideas with your fear… judging people by their marital status is biting the two of you in the ass right now, it’s only fair, so just accept it… I don’t mind :)

Ok, that last phrase would definitely get me kicked out if I do say it to her… I know I will in our next fight though!!


Ma-3lina said...

Therapist !!

I won't defend ur mother but some people cant control their temper that's why they say the wrong things in the wrong situations.

Hope everything turn fine bet u and her isa

insomniac said...

lol, yep, a therapist!! i already have temper problems since childhood (it runs in both families) with pregnancy and what's been going on with my marriage i used to spend hours crying until i visited that therapist and talked it out... or most of it anyways....

that aside, yeah, mama has no control over her emotions or her words... it gets her in trouble and gets everyone she loves in trouble... i try to consider that a privilege since she loves me!

ZeRoCoOl said...

You've just described my mother, she takes after her Turkish father who as a mouth like a machine gun.......the only sisters and I were all alone no cousins and no family and dads at work. I noticed that the older she gets the more like him she becomes.....but she's one big package :D great post.

insomniac said...

ohh, then it's the turkish thing!! funny how mama used that very comment about her mom!!! ok, i just realized my kids might one day say the exact same thing *horrified*...

thing is, my mom only focuses on insults.. no sarcasm included, so she makes it sound like she totally means it!!! however, on her good days, she's dedicated and supportive and would go out of her way to please... but she can never take the dry sense of humour my dad and i share, it really gets to her...

as always, glad u liked it :)

hurricane_x said...

wow,.. a blast!
I hate it when it comes to fighting with parents.
It kinda happens but not that much, not cause of the similarity of our point of view but rather me avoiding points of conflict since I know it'll be bloody awful!!

insomniac said...

exactly!! except that both parties have to avoid the conflict, not just one!

Dino$ said...

you took the words right out of my mouth!!!!!!!!!!!!