March 12, 2008


I am not big on the whole evil eye concept. I acknowledge 7assad, but I don’t dwell, and I don’t blame it for every misfortune, and I sure as hell do not point fingers at people who point out things like how I glow, or how I look too happy for someone in my delicate situation.

HOWEVER, I am not in a good mood, thank you very much. What makes it worse is that I don’t have a good reason to feel cold and blue the way I do right now. Ok, I have silly small reasons; but they are more like a trigger for something that was already there waiting to happen. Even my system was waiting for small things to collapse; the pain in my ribs, the slight nose bleed; it’s fair to say today isn’t great, until now that is.

I hate March, I feel like I await bad things to happen in March. As the 15th approaches I can feel my heart clenching, like it’s waiting for anything to justify some abrupt waterworks. I hate March and I hate Mother’s Day. My kids should totally celebrate having me as their mother in a different month; if they ever think it’s something worth celebrating anyway.

So all of the other things that happened today didn’t help; Mocha’s fever, X’s desperate attempt of an email trying to awaken a nostalgia that died long ago, the hundreds of unanswered calls ringing in Souad Massi’s sad voice saying over and over that he’s unworthy, and finally my phone call with my favorite aunt.

Thinking that my good mood would help me patch things up since I just decided to keep my distance around five months ago (ok, I kinda hold a grudge, sue me!), I called to tell her that her daughter should totally check those amazing pair of pants I saw the other day, and we kept talking.

She was nice and sweet as ever it almost worked for me. Until, her once-an-amazingly-cute-little-boy-now-an-almost-a-grown-up son walked in and asked her to say ‘hi’ for him, and that was when it started. She talked about him. Why?? Why do people find it hard to believe that I am no longer in love with someone I was once in love with? Is it ok for people in love to endure that much abuse?

For the last time, my kids do not need him, and the fact that he put an old photo of him and Beem as a profile picture on facebook does not make him a good father. What kind of a good father wouldn’t recognize his now a 10 month old infant, who by the way does not get the concept of a father and wouldn't recognise him whatsoever? What kind of father spends the last five months not trying to work things out for his own kids? Ento 3ayzeen teganenoony!!!

Ok, I was mostly pissed because as I was talking with my aunt, she mentioned my cousin added him on facebook! So I checked to find that both her son and her husband added him!!! Damn, I don’t want more people getting in the middle, it’s not right. I don’t wanna have to explain to every one who hears about the divorce that it was because he cheated and continuously hurt me. I did it on my blog to be able to keep my mouth shut in real life. And through my blog, a lot of people had already known.

I can’t seem to breathe properly; I feel the air is too heavy for my lungs to take in! My palms are cold and sweaty! I feel like I wanna snap at someone; whoever provokes me today is a dead man. Mama, stay away from me for the love of GOD.

I miss my daddy, I miss D more, and I miss my Nana (may she RIP) the most :( looks like it will be another cleaning day at home! Or shopping (oh God, let it not be shopping, I am too broke)!!


Ma 3lina said...

I think it is weird how ppl think of a specific month like that

it is totally logic that in every month bad nd good stuff happens.

if u think of march a jinxed month then u will focus only on the bad stuff nd relate it to the month.. am i being logic ??

Ma 3lina said...

why ??

insomniac said...

you're absolutely right :)

i just can't help feeling that way about March!! bad bad bad month

good stuff happened this March, I can't deny; yet i choose to blame the crappy stuff on March, i will keep doing it because March has not been good to me since 2002

Sue said...

insomniac, I guess you are a bit superstitious about this one.

I also think that your relatives adding him on Facebook is not something bad, he's your sons' father after all and maybe having some of you relatives being in touch would turn out to be something good.

insomniac said...

not really sue, i am not being superstitious at all, i just hate the month because it holds a sad memory... i blame bad things on it for kicks :) i am aware bad things happen when they do, regardless of the month or the day...

i don't want more people getting in the middle of the whys and can-it-be-fixed plans... they can be really annoying that way...

and u don't see me adding his family members... we can just be involved as far as our kids are concerned.. other than that, i want him out for good, no connections whatsoever