March 1, 2008

Alone again, naturally

Why do people hate alone? Why do they fear alone? I don’t think alone is bad; there are much worse things.

Alone is my favorite poem by Edgar Allan Poe. Alone is what I am in every emotional moment, and I don’t hate it, nor am I afraid of it; probably because I have seen what’s worse, which is being with someone who made me yearn for being alone.

It’s been a while since I felt upset about anything lately, but of course something had to happen and change that… yesterday was the worst night in a while, and today wasn’t great either. And this is when it hit me, lying in bed holding both of my kids and trying so hard not to let myself cry; I am alone!

I didn’t want to call my aunt to rant, I didn’t want to call H for some moral support, I didn’t want to share my moment of weakness with anyone. I kept talking to myself and reassuring myself it will be ok, I know it will be, and when it does, I want it to be my own work, without anyone’s help!!

Years ago, I felt that way, and I called him thinking he was a shoulder I could cry on… and here I am right now because of that stupid notion. I am right here in this very place because I mistakenly thought he would be there for me instead of depending on myself.

Alone is not bad, alone is just fine. This is what I have to tell myself every time I feel that overwhelmed. I should not need anyone to make me feel better, I should know how to feel better on my own; this is the only way I wouldn’t get disappointed.

I did not let the negative energy consume me; I didn’t mope in my bed and let half awake sleep take advantage of me. I got up and started cleaning up; that’s the best I can do now when I am feeling angry and/or hurt, clean up! It’s funny because I am quite the messy person by nature, but now I know exactly where everything goes, it took me around an hour to fold every item of clothing back to where it belonged. And I did it because I decided to be alone, instead of running to the phone and dialing a friendly number.

Thank you for the hurtful and thoughtless words! They reminded me of all the things I had almost forgotten. They reminded me of why I so wanted to leave before, and they also reminded me that I should not expect help from anyone.

I can do it alone; I would rather do it alone than depend on someone who is bound to let me down making me feel so worthless and inadequate once they get tired of my existence or stop finding great company in my presence.


haijekov said...

I was reading this and wondered "wow this really feels familiar", tried to leave a meaningful comment but don't really know a2ool eh walla eh?!

so i hereby ask your permission to quote this.

insomniac said...

i didn't know it was quotable material!! i mean it's basically emotional vomit!!

to me, ur comment is more "meaningful" than what i wrote!! but hey, quote away, i am flattered :) thanks :)

The phoenix said...

Very nice post..Liked your reaction alot

Xero said...

listen i know i should be supportive now ,but i don't like beautifying stuff .
if you think you can survive this world alone then you are wrong .
you will eventually collapse under pressure
and let me quote Will E. here
"Sooner or later we all fall down "
you have to come out with your own formula of life that makes you use ppl help ,but within the limit that doesn't make you attached or totally relied on them .
you need some kind of a controlled relations with ppl around you ,so you can have only the good and avoid the harmful

insomniac said...

thanks phoenix :)

xero, i know all about collapsing under pressure; been there quite a few times :)

perhaps i wasn't that clear... i have amazing friends whom i can always turn to when i need their support/help... i just hate doing that... i mean i think i have used their support way too much in the past two years i am sick of hearing myself complain :)

my point was that when i am that down, i should only go up depending on myself and what i can do, not what others can do for me! other than that, i like people's company, the people i like that is... and its their company that gives me the strength i need when i have to do things alone...

Xero said...

in this case .. congratulations and good for you :D

insomniac said...

thanks... and YA RAB :)

Яαgιи Яαvєи said...

So human... I can relate.

I wish I would consider cleaning my apartment whenever I feel upset... but then again..
rabbena maygebsh za3al le 7ad abadan.

And girl.. Alone is an excellent read for Poe.. You got taste.
The Raven's a better piece though. :P

insomniac said...

cleaning the apartment would take some serious anger, this would be the only way i would actually get myself to throw away stuff in the process... i don't wanna get that angry ever!

Poe has some good work, alone will always be my fav... u can keep raven :)