March 8, 2008

I don’t get it, I just don’t!!

Is my dad testing me?? I mean does he still not know where I stand?? What the hell is he thinking telling me to consider the possibility of returning to him????

I mean mom, well, her words mean nothing, she can say all about how he had his good moments of how I can be intolerable, but my dad!!! I am disappointed, big time.

No. It’s a very simple word and I plan to stick to it; no one can make me go back if all I say is NO. I am no longer listing the reasons and I am no longer even selling the case or trying to prove that my kids are better off being with me on my own than with him.

I am so tired of saying it over and over because no matter how much I do, no one really knows that I know I did my best and that I did try to make it work until I no longer could. If it didn’t work then, there is no chance in hell it would work when I don’t want it to.

Trying to guilt me into my kids’ best interest won’t work; I will not let it work. I am allowing myself to be selfish on this one; my kids’ best interest is in my happiness and in my peace, which are no where near him.

So stop telling me I am not that great a mother; I already know, and I am trying to be better. And don’t you dare tell me I can’t do it alone; because I know that if I can’t do it alone, I won’t do it with him anyway.

And by the way, telling me that you know how unhappy I am; having to live here, you have no idea. Having to return to this home, and in this way has been a nightmare I tried to avoid for so long until I realized I there’s much worse, him. If you think I like the invasion of privacy, mama’s continuous insults, feeling like a burden every other day, think again!! I am just more willing to take it all over being around him, at any given day. Because as obnoxious as everyone here gets to be from time to time, and as hurt as I can get because of insensitive words said in moments of anger, it’s much less abuse than what I have been subjected to with him.

So, just to be clear; NO, and I am not going back because this is what I owe myself after all that’s been said and done.

My kids, they will have to live by what’s best for me until they can decide for themselves. I am not denying them a father; he can be there for them if he can handle it, but he is no longer invited to be there for me no matter how he might want to. And spare me; it’s not because I am hurt or sore, it’s not because I am being emotional. It’s for all the logical reasons; he’s not to be trusted or respected.

I have moved on, so why can’t everyone????!!!

21 comments:

Geddo Iskandar said...

1st of all - 7amdellah 3al salama :)

de awel mara 2a7ot comment 3andek ya insomniac 3al mawdo3 da zay manty akied 2a7`adty balek - ana kont mo7tafez bra2yey l nafsy l2eny malysh 7a2 2ebda2 el ra2y fel mawdo3 da belzat bas mosh 3aref lieh this time 7ases eno ysa7 2a2ol ra2yey da (knowing enek 7ata7`dy meny mawqef) bas i just "love" beem & moucha and i know how much u do 3shan keda bas ana ba2ol ra2yey 2eza sama7tyly ...

ure dad is a great father - ana moqtane3 w moshaba3 b da tmaman - bas in 10 to 15 years from now when "beem" grows up to a teenager momken maykonsh da ra2yoh - i'm sorry to say that bas just remember that gap u used to have between you & ure dad when we were kids and imagine how hard it'll be about 25 years later when the age gap between "beem" & "dado" is more than 55 years ! (knowing that beem is growing up to make another copy of u zay malkol wa7`ed balo)

beem & moucha need a good loving father - w men ely 2areto hena i'm not sure if "X" can make that father ... bas bardo ysa7 enek tfakary gedyan f who'll help u raising those "adorable"s l2enek (& not because of being u) mosh 7ate2dary t provide them with all their needs (wana la 2aqsod el 2e7tyagat el madya) ...

when it comes to the good loving father figure you should think deeply w bmontaha el 7yad if he or else can do so & then decide if u're gonna close that door & tfta7y f 3a2lek mgal l wgod badiel wala 7ate7tafzy b 7`iar el 3awda l ure "X" b shrout sarema gedan bas only for the kids sake ...

b2e7`tsar, momken tkamely f mawdo3 el divorce da bas lazem tkony wad7a m3a nafsek eno not just a divorce, lazem ykon fyh badiel madros b deqa shadida ykon ma7tot fyh who will be helping u raising the kids.

- ana asef eny tawelt & sorry eny 2olt ra2yey fe mawdo3 7`as bieky ...

Shimaa Gamal said...

One of my friends once wanted to help me out of a severe mood swing. I was feeling down, as I frequently do, so he sent me a long list of things to do to feel better. Only one thing of the long list grabbed my attention “Say No and Mean It”.
That day I decided to say no to every abuse relation I had in my life. I said NO, and I meant it. Does I regret that NO. I don’t think so. I know I have ended at square zero, but I don’t regret it. Never regret a NO. And never compromise a NO because it is only when we start compromising when we start losing.
Your father is just being protective.
I wish you all the best
Shimaa

haijekov said...

I won't add anything new after what geddo and shaimaa said... because i kinda agree with both to a certain extent.
all i can tell you is you have to shut yourself down from those external opinion for even the shortest of whiles... give yourself to think thoroughly and clearly ... to act instead of react ... maybe even pray a couple of este7'aras ... and hopefully you'll have a mind clear enough and God will guide you to the right direction.

best of luck

Gun Barrel Kalashnikov said...

I totally agree with geddo, I mean your kids are guys dude, you don't just need a father figure, you so need someone ye3raf yebawazhom/yerabeehom at the same time). I mean how would you teach your sons to hookup with chicks? See, they need a father figure.... Ok, that is not all they need a father for, but well you know male mentality.

I mean geddo is totally right here and of course with wishes of long life to your dad, dads apparently do not have a license to stay with us forever and hence the question that you will always need to think of and find an answer to is, who will help you raise your two kids? And if you should allow someone in, what should he be like?

Because once you answer those questions, I guess you should start allowing yourself to make your life what you would want it to be, and you should kick out those fears that haunt you, those worries that get to you and the moments in which the signs freak you out.

And that is nothing but my humble opinion, so feel free to totally discard it, given I can see enik momken takhdy mawqef based on geddo's comment. :P

Dude, You are scary :P

insomniac said...

geddo :)

first of all, Allah yesalemak :)

second of all, thanks for conveying how scary my reactions can be...

third, i would never be upset with you giving an honest, and concerned opinion because despite how u might think i would 'akhod mawqef', i respect you and value ur opinion... bas matakhodsh 3ala keda :p

forth, you just said it; X is not the kind of father figure my kids need... it is very obvious! i mean the fact that he passed some genes to them does not make him a good parent... bacteria reproduces, no parenting involved!! he will mess them up more...

i can always argue that kids from stable homes who have good balanced parents still lose their way at some point, or forever remain lost! how about my kids if this is the father figure they look up to?? someone who will always find ways to justify lies and always make it sound like it is the 'right' thing to do! i mean he wasn't even a father figure for me and he messed with my rights and wrongs for a while!!!

so let's just eliminate his existence, or at least keep it to the minimum... and that was me talking about what's good for my kids without the part that has to do with me wanting to have nothing to do with him...

and geddo, i have to do a lot of things on my own, or at least learn how, even if i don't have to... i learned the hard way that it is wrong to throw all your weight on anyone... so when it comes to handling my kids and providing them with whatever they need, i will do my best and hope God takes care of the rest... it can't be that bad.

fifth, "7ate7tafzy b 7`iar el 3awda l ure "X" b shrout sarema gedan bas only for the kids sake" and "lazem ykon fyh badiel madros b deqa shadida ykon ma7tot fyh who will be helping u raising the kids".... do u have an idea how much you sound like baba in those two phrases!! i mean not just the way you said them, but the words you used... wow, mesh 3arfa 2a2ool eh, it's not just el mawa3eed thing then :)))

and one last thing... what do u mean "knowing that beem is growing up to make another copy of u zay malkol wa7`ed balo"??? is that a good thing or a bad thing??? it sounded like a bad thing, but i know u love beem so explain :)))

bas khalas, that was a looong comment... and again, mesh wakhda mawqef and u can always give an opinion :)

insomniac said...

Shimaa,

it is true, the best NO is the one you actually mean and know for sure u will not regret; and this is exactly how i feel about my divorce!! i started finding peace and closure when i came to that decision, and there is no way i would compromise that.

thanks for stopping by and for your words :)

insomniac said...

thanks haijekov :)

thing is, i am already there at the place where i reached the decision on my own... i got there by istikharas and by filtering external opinions...

good advice tho :))

insomniac said...

GBK,

so my kids need someone to teach them how to hook up with chicks... i think i can outsource :p i remember someone offering to do that, my only concern however was the whole godfather thing :p :p

i know my dad won't stay forever, but i just hate it when people remind me of that... and i had a long reply to the part where u said i should let someone in, and what that someone would be like, but i think it's more of a post material for later.

so ur throwing the whole signs thing at my face now, hehe.. i guess i am allowing myself to make my life what i want it to be, but i can't help worrying and having my own fears because there's a lot at stake and i can't really afford to mess up my life one more time, let alone my kids'

so u actually have humble opinions now!! is it a godfather trick???

so i was thinking of changing the tulips photo to a shebsheb to ensure the whole akhod mawqef and scary thing... i can't use a gun cause you already have it :))) and the shebsheb is sooo a woman's thing in our great society, which i love and respect, lol

Gun Barrel Kalashnikov said...

Dude,

I am so putting a tank as my display picture on my blog if you use a gun or a shebsheb, and dude the one on my blog is not just a gun, it is an ak-47... :P

Dude, yeah you just reminded me of another question, who will teach your kids to be guys, or in other words to believe, heart, soul, mind and body that the Godfather is just about the best movie ever?

So when are you writing that post about what the dude is like? I mean you don't just introduce a hight level of curiosity to the blogosphere and then leave things unsaid.

And Rabena Yedi Babaki Toolet El3omr.

Now I am throwing it, dude, that is what I do, I use people's words against them, I throw them in their faces, and sometimes when there are no words, there are ashtrays and vases, I am very aggressive that way. I love me better that way.

If you think it well enough and if you evaluate it from all angles and if you find that guy you know would make you happy and would take good care of your kids, I guess, you will be able to lose all the fears and you will be able to allow someone in... But then again you are women, you are all slow and weird... :P (Ok, that was a joke).

Dude, all my opinions are humble, okay, who am I kidding, I am awesome and so are my great opinions... :P

Ma 3lina said...

I like the "Say No and Mean It" quote.

Maybe u huv to be clear wiz everyone including of course ur family that u will not ever get back to him.

Dunn knw who u will convince them but they gotta knw that case is closed and they huv to deal with the new situation now.

p.s. I am surprised from ur father attitude towards the subject too but I believe there is something behind those words of his !!

Geddo Iskandar said...

:)

"knowing that beem is growing up to make another copy of u zay malkol wa7`ed balo"

"...just remember that gap u used to have between you & ure dad when we were kids"

no offense ya3ny :))

insomniac said...

GBK,

u don't have to put a tank or anything... i don't think my idea of footwear is that scary anyway; if i put shebsheb, it would be something girly and fluffy and i will lose my reputation as scary!!

dude, get over the godfather; it's not healthy :p

high level of curiosity, we kaman in the blogsphere... exaggerating way too much, arn't we!! 3al 3omoom, i may never post anything :ppppp

yes, ur awesome, u throw words and other things to people's faces, AND you say women are slow and weird... define awesome :))


ma 3alina,

i am sticking to my NO until it's over :))

as for my dad's attitude, i think i know where it comes from and i am ok with it as long as it's just words... mesh hatelza2 :)


geddo,

ya 3am no offence, mana olt alf marra en i had a gap with baba, and i am making up for it :)

that was not what i meant tho... enta olt en bomba is like me like ppl keep saying... zayy fe eh, i don't think i was ever that cute, we mafeesh da3y te2aked we tesaya7 :)) we kaman ana wana addo kont ba2ool gomal mofida, mesh "howa" hehehe...

btw, thanks :)

Deeeeeee said...

Insomniac, being with someone who cheated is actually worse than being alone with two kids and yes it is worse than being a grown-up taking care of two kids around your parents' house. Being a good mom, you take care of your children by not setting a wrong example by letting them grow up around the wrong role model and teaching them about mutual respect! As for your dad, he wants what's in your best interest and I'm sure he was just laying options. If you walk up to him now telling him " I'm getting back together with X", he'll call you insane! (if he's as much like my dad as I tend to think he is!)
You're a great mother for keeping your children away from a disrespectful figure that could've played a vital role in their lives!
Bear with your parents, annoying them is in their job description, you'll probably end up doing that to Beano (bezzaat:) ) when he's older!

Hang in there! Live up to your standards, the ones your parents brought you up to! The created a fighter, and they're proud of it, despite the mixed up messages sometimes!

insomniac said...

D,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH :))

that's exactly what i have been trying to say... if my parents worry about leaving me alone in this world after they're gone (ba3d 3omren taweel), they should be even more worried about leaving me with that kind of person... simply logic!!!

anyway, i know baba would probably freak if i tell him i want back given all the fictional circumstances he mentioned... which makes me think, i can do that, it would be more fun to watch his reaction than it was with him making me cry because of his suggestion... thanks again :)))

thanks for the advice and for the nice words girl :)

Gun Barrel Kalashnikov said...

Dude you want me to define awesome, DEFINE AWESOME, DEEEEEEFINE AWESOME, well I am a walking definition of awesome...

Fluffy, and you are trying to piss me off wenti shabashbik fluffy... Walahi ana khayef 3aleeki...

And the obsession with this movie, is too healthy man, don't argue that again with me :|

And Nora, I don't know if you will ever see this, but if you see the part where I am a walking definition of awesome, let it slide, for the love of God, let it SLIDE... :D

insomniac said...

GBK,

i think u just distorted every body's definition of awesome, now we will need Nora to come and correct the definition... Nora, take over :D

i wasn't trying to piss u off!! i didn't even suggest that i was scary, it was geddo who did, and you agreed with him!! showayet tarkeez :p

and FYI, a shebsheb has to be fluffy to keep me warm in the winter... which makes me wonder, how should a scary shebsheb look like?!!

yeah, i figured it's futile to discuss godfather with an extreme fan like you :)

now that i am done, Nora can take it from here :p

**niahaHaHaHaHHa (with echo and all the works)

Gun Barrel Kalashnikov said...

Oh dude, don't try and freak me out by rubbing the Nora card in, Nora is just the best (kissing ass, cause I am actually the best, but then we all know that already). :P

And my definition of awesome is just great.

And no it is pointless to discuss the godfather with someone who cannot just understand the greatness of this movie :P

Rabena yekoon fe 3oonik :P

Nora said...

I am here!!!

;)

Ok, so let's first look at this walking definition of awesome thing...
awesome: noun
horrible taste in movies, throws words in people's faces, horrible kiss ass, can't sustain a real argument, sexist....
Synonyms: GBK

;o)

Dude, come on.. admit it... you suck...
And my advice to you... This is a woman's blog, she has many women readers, and I am a woman... when you reply to this I will remind everyone that you just called women slow and weird... we'll join together and kick your ass...
Just admit defeat!

Have a nice day...

Gun Barrel Kalashnikov said...

Oh my God, the many ways your comment are flawed :) Lovely...

Synonym: GBK, I mean dude, I thought you would come up with something better than that, followed by you suck, the childish way of running away, calling the other kids names at school, are you sure you are the teacher where you claim you work? :P

Quoted: "I am a woman": Seriously, you think?

Nobody can kick my ass, and honey when you wanna make a valid argument stop begging me to admit defeat that I do not even see happening in a million years... I mean dude you are so unable to hold an argument you start calling me names, spreading rumors, and begging me to admit defeat...

Nora I am sorry but people like you are the ones who make me feel awesome.... People who are this lost... :P

Now feel free to cry and call me names, you are in a bad position, I KNOW...

Nora said...

umm, do you really think you just made a valid argument there?

Umm, do you not see nor understand that everything you wrote was wrong.. based on nothing...

Anyway... um, yeah.. I actually feel so bad for you because you seem so lost and confused I pity you!

Gun Barrel Kalashnikov said...

Why would I make an argument with someone who doesn't know how to argue back, I wouldn't wanna seem like a show-off babe... I am better than that, again one more reason why I am awesome :P

Feel bad for me... HA HA HA... Please don't case sweetie I feel great...