People overrate plans, or do they??
I am not a planner, never was!! The most I have planned back in the day was a short to-do list that I never got to mark all of it because I got distracted doing other things.
Growing up with a father like mine, I could never have any long term plans of trips with friends, courses, training, or simply hanging out!! How could I when I used to spend every weekend on Cairo-Alex Desert road and back!! And summers, well, there was the family vacation wherever and the two weeks a month in Alexandria.
So if my appreciation for plans is not that big, it’s because I had to be flexible enough to make my plans within my dad’s plans; sometimes even too flexible to have plans anyway!! I mean what’s the use of plans if you cannot control most of the external factors??!!
When I got married, I was the perfect wife that way, no plans of my own!! I mean hey let’s go, why not! Let’s stay in, cool!! I am going with friends, ok, I will call some of my friends and go see them or have them over, or even watch a movie or check on my favorite aunt!! One thing I was really good at, filling my free time; it’s only natural when I put too many things on hold and wait for the time and space to make them happen.
Until I decided that I needed my own plan now that I am on my own, in a sense! And since I am an amateur, my one plan was not air tight. I knew it!! Not that this particular plan would fall to pieces, but the whole idea of a plan not standing long enough.
I am not upset about it, actually, the fact that I am not upset about it makes me glad I am back to my old self; the person who didn’t dwell much on things she couldn’t control, which makes me wonder what this disgrace of husband did to me!!
I mean in the past few years I had turned into a jealous control freak that fights with herself before him to keep all the anger and range under control. I drove myself crazy; but this is what happens when you don’t feel the security and stability you need, you go crazy and lose all connections with who you originally are.
He made me think it was because this is who I was that he cheated, when I remember very clearly who I was before I met him. I was everyone’s friend, the girl you would confide in and know she wouldn’t let you down and who would always make you see the full half of the cup and have your peace with the empty half; big believer in silver linings.
Of course I had an attitude, of course there was a nasty side to me, but the people I loved and cared for had never seen it. Ok sometimes my sisters see that, but they usually have it coming! Yes you do girls ;)
Haaah, it doesn’t matter any more. I am fine with it all, because I am fine with who I am right now, and where I am; because I can relate to who I once was and who I planned on being for a while. Did I say planned?!!! Ok, wanted is a better word. I supposed I jinxed what I wanted to be by calling it a plan at some point!
Even my post about plans discussed an unplanned thought or two!! Yep, plans do not work for me, and it’s ok; perhaps living the moment is not a bad thing; it’s what I was meant to do, so I should just sit back and enjoy it.
** stretching my arms and smiling... yes B, I am becoming all cat-ish
I worry though, big time… I may write about the restless fetch-dog that I am, but that’s another post for later; as long as I don’t plan to write it :)