March 28, 2008

When do I hit rock bottom, so that I can bounce back??

I said I wouldn’t answer him, a million times, but the stupid optimist in me still for some reason hopes for a civil ending and I keep falling for the same tricks over and over!! No wonder he screwed me over the way he did, I am a complete idiot. I learn my lesson hard, but I still repeat the same mistake, it’s beyond your average human stupidity.

He’s cruel and insensitive and he would never ever appreciate any kindness or good intentions from my side, and I am just incapable of being like him, I am not! Sadly, I am a better person who would never stoop that low, even if I wanted. I know because when I got close to doing that, I just couldn’t, pathetic.

He said he wouldn’t sit and talk with lawyers; he would only sit and talk with me. He said he had rights and that I owed him. What about what he owed me? What about everything he touched that went to ruins? Does he want to do the same thing to my kids?

Let’s talk about the damage, let’s talk about what he did to me! In the years I have been married to him, he changed every good thing about me and turned it into something deformed and ugly; ugly is what he made me feel, inside and out. He shook my belief system and turned me into a darker shade of cynical and judgmental. He made me lose whatever faith I had in people and in myself. The fact that I am back to who I once was does not change that with him, I was someone I would never be proud of.

Let’s talk about the damage I still have to deal with, let’s talk about how the word LOVE and its consequences freak me out, let’s talk about how willing I had become to numb myself so that I wouldn’t get hurt again. How about my fear of relationships that controls how I deal with people? How about that I can no longer speak my mind or heart as easily as I once did?

What’s the price for that? What does he owe me for doing that to me? Actually, strike that; what do I owe myself for letting him do all that to me?

I resent him, I resent his existence, and sometimes I even resent myself for making this one wrong choice, choosing him. YES, I hate being the victim and I would rather blame myself for everything rather than acknowledge he had that effect. I am NOT a victim, not his, and never will be.

He ended the phone call by asking me in a sweet voice “mesh 3ayza terga3y bardo?” how deranged is that??

He asked if I hated him, I told him he wouldn’t understand what I had to say about that; he wouldn’t understand that he’s not even worthy of hate.

He asked if I would be upset if he remarries, I couldn’t help that sarcastic laugh and told him that nothing will ever upset me once he lets go of me… he asked “regardless who I will remarry?”, I replied that nothing will ever matter once he lets me be.

I keep playing his words in my head trying to find ways to comfort myself, but I keep failing. He keeps finding ways to sneak into my life, depriving me from the peace and quiet of being away from him.

He found way to sneak into my facebook profile and he gloated about it, then he criticized my “childish” comments with my friends and family over photos… trivial may be, but it got to me! It got to me that he can have access to my friends, my family, my freakin photos; what can I say, I have a thing for privacy, and he keeps invading it; that’s his thing.

My best friend warned me about that; warned me of him tracking my phone calls and hacking into my mail or my facebook account, she even warned me about him stumbling upon my blog given how small the world is and how I keep exposing a little bit of me here. She worries because she’s afraid he’d use whatever he can put his hands on as leverage to his own benefit.

I told her I didn’t care, and that it is not me who should hide. It’s not me who has to deal with his shame; isn’t it enough that I am already dealing with the mess he left behind… all of it! And I hate asking for help and I hate feeling like people are doing me favors by being good to me. And yet, I let it happen because it is better than being with him.

So, if you stumble upon this Mr. X, and if you could tell that it is me, which I highly doubt because you’re really incapable of seeing beyond your own nose, and as much as you know how to get to me and ruin my mood, you simply never knew me… if you are reading this, this is for you…

You may hurt and scar me, you may even scare me, but you will never make me hide or make me feel ashamed of who I am and what I do. The most ashamed I ever get is when being referred to as your wife and this is why I can’t stand the wait of the long procedures this whole thing is taking, and this is why I am willing to compromise.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

mahmood
Insomniac,
You must let go, your words pains me and im a total stranger, so i wonder how bad it must be for you., obviously every story has two sides and it wouldn't be fair to be a judge, however for some reason i take your words at face value, don't let this man hurt you any more, get it over with..you deserve happeniss, and i wish that for you very soon inshallah.

haijekov said...

listen dear,
you've always given me straight forward advice and i guess i should too ... i'm not gonna tell you the usual comforting "it's gonna be ok" or to not feel bad and just ignore the whole thing because i know just as you do that it's much easier said than done! especially with how much he tried to impose himself and meddle with you ...
the thing i see you CAN do is make it harder for him to get there... for starters DON'T ASNWER THE FREAKIN PHONE WHEN HE'S CALLIN!!!!

the civil ending thing is just a myth at this point ... the guy's too much of a jerk in denial for it to end in a civil way ...
at least that's my humble opinion ...
sorry law kont da7'el shemaal shwayya ... you know i mean well ... and you should know too that you deserve more than just the best ...

stay in touch

kov

Arima said...

stay strong habibti and try not to let this man blight your sweet nature

insomniac said...

mahmood,

i have let go, he's the one who isn't letting go! my only mistake is that i still hope he would!


which brings me to haijekov,


you're telling me the exact same thing every one i know tells me, the thing i would tell me! but i want out so bad, i am willing to take the chance of letting him get to me by answering in hopes of an "ok, i will divorce you now"...

his 'offer' is to sit and talk, i am desperate enough to do that, i just need to talk to my father before i agree, and i have no idea what to tell him! a part of me has hopes i would be free, the other part knows my hopes would probably be shattered...

you see, if i am desperate enough to sit and talk, i don't want to get him to be desperate by not answering the calls... i know despair makes us do crazy things, his crazy things scare me i suppose!!


thank you arima!! i am hanging in there, wish me luck.

Lasto-adri *Blue* said...

as Arima said.. Be strong.
If he ruined your life before, don't let him do it again.
Fight.. for your self. for who you are. and for being the one you like for your kids.

just forget everything about him.. and fetch the sun lights... you will find your way :)

insomniac said...

bluelue, i am a fighter, or at least i turned out to be...

and i have lots of good things going for me alhamdulilah, but he's like the shadow i have darkening my sunny days, and not in a good shady way, rather a creepy way...

i have moved on and i have had my closure... just need to be free

thanks :)

Xero said...

you are tagged

Anonymous said...

u know what's the good thing about his repeated ways to get back to you ? he proved u right when u left him!

R

insomniac said...

yeah R, i guess it's a way of looking at it...