It baffles me…

It baffles me that I keep saying things and contradicting them; how I give up on things yet still hold on to whatever it is that ties me to them. It gets twice as confusing because I barely know what I want to start with.

I say I don’t want the things everybody else wants, but I can’t find it in me to push them away when they come knocking my door. I tell myself that I can do without, but I secretly miss them as my stubborn self takes over and shuns them away. I do it proudly and I tell myself I know better, but do I, or do I just behave that way out of utter pride and narcissism?

And when it gets hard for me to take, I let my mind play its vicious tricks; I consciously project my fears and insecurities into others’ behaviors, my worst and most fatal defense mechanism. I focus on my flaws and magnify them and tell myself it’s impossible for people to get along with me, I build walls to shield me to hide behind them safely so that I can break down and cry away from people’s sympathy. But why can’t I give in and cry now that I had built my walls? Arn't they thick enough? I am too tired to build them thicker.

Why aren’t things simple? Can’t I just want to be happy and leave it at that? Yeah yeah, happy is relative and so is everything, and knowing me, I’d probably roll my eyes at too many things life offers me in an attempt to give me that so called happiness. Why can’t I stop being so picky about every particular thing?

My good friends tell me I am picky because I should be, because I deserve the best, but I am starting to think they tell me that because they ran out of words to soothe me. May be I should stop being picky, or perhaps just stop expecting anything to come my way and give up on all of it.

Sorry for the morbid mood.