September 13, 2008

It baffles me…

It baffles me that I keep saying things and contradicting them; how I give up on things yet still hold on to whatever it is that ties me to them. It gets twice as confusing because I barely know what I want to start with.

I say I don’t want the things everybody else wants, but I can’t find it in me to push them away when they come knocking my door. I tell myself that I can do without, but I secretly miss them as my stubborn self takes over and shuns them away. I do it proudly and I tell myself I know better, but do I, or do I just behave that way out of utter pride and narcissism?

And when it gets hard for me to take, I let my mind play its vicious tricks; I consciously project my fears and insecurities into others’ behaviors, my worst and most fatal defense mechanism. I focus on my flaws and magnify them and tell myself it’s impossible for people to get along with me, I build walls to shield me to hide behind them safely so that I can break down and cry away from people’s sympathy. But why can’t I give in and cry now that I had built my walls? Arn't they thick enough? I am too tired to build them thicker.

Why aren’t things simple? Can’t I just want to be happy and leave it at that? Yeah yeah, happy is relative and so is everything, and knowing me, I’d probably roll my eyes at too many things life offers me in an attempt to give me that so called happiness. Why can’t I stop being so picky about every particular thing?

My good friends tell me I am picky because I should be, because I deserve the best, but I am starting to think they tell me that because they ran out of words to soothe me. May be I should stop being picky, or perhaps just stop expecting anything to come my way and give up on all of it.

Sorry for the morbid mood.


Rasha said...

I could never understand typical calculated people who would do this to feel that and say this to take that!
I've always thought that's inhuman.
You, to me, are being normally living the time - giving the circumstances - the way you should.
Going through hard times turbulates not only our life styles but most of all our inner peace and state of mind.
I f you were someone who's happy and solid and knew exactly what you're all about at THIS particular time you'd be weired and that would scare me!
You're a sensitive person in all the great meaning of the word and you're human...tender human.
I just wish i could help in any way...but i know that other people no matter how much they cared fail to deliver the peace and harmony you need at the this will come from within when you heal within.

insomniac said...

*hugs hugs*

ur right about peace coming from within... somehow i lost my inner peace and it disturbed me in so many ways i can't seem to regain my balance.

happiness comes and goes like tides, but i am always left with emptiness that way... they say it gets better with time, but how come i could handle it better when it was more intense!

nevermind, it will pass, that i know :)

*more hugs*

Adam said...

You can't decide to be happy and leave it at that.
Make a small list of 5 items maximum that are mandatory (be as picky as you want to be) and regard everything else as irrelevant.

Things will always appear to you more like the way you are, not the way they really are.

insomniac said...

i am not sure i get you...

"Things will always appear to you more like the way you are, not the way they really are."
u mean i only see what i want to see?

don't ask me to be picky, u have no idea, mesh me7taga tawseya! i almost have 2 or 3 things... they are not goals for me to work on achieving, they are hopes and dreams that i know may never come true and that i know i may have to compromise them... i'm not sure i'm making sense!

Adam said...

I'm not saying you're not picky.

Its good and important to be so...but not in every single thing.

For example,
I've recently lost $15,000 & it isn't a big deal to me.
It could be a big deal to someone else.
so I can't say losing money is a trivial simple issue.
But to me it is so, because money is not among the 5 must-have things for me to be happy.

Maybe its just with me but I believe headlines don't work.
specifics do.

its not enough to know that having [insert something you want here] will make you happy. you should know every detail about it. and if you really really want it, you'll eventually get it.
check chicken soup for the soul for inspiring stories.

insomniac said...

i am very contradicting about the things i want, this is probably why i never really end up knowing what i want...

like i don't have a specific description of what it is (whatever it is), but i am too specific about what it's not... a major problem if you ask me...

picture this but on a HUGE scale:
whoever: takly eh?
me: ay 7aga...
whoever: fatta?
me: eww la2 mesh ba7ebaha
whoever: bet7eby eh tayeb?
me: most food is ok as well as it's nicely cooked and well presented...
whoever: HATAKLY EH?
me: beggad ay 7aga...

and don't get me started on how fast i change my mind!!!


insomniac said...

oh and because of the previous illustration, mama ends up cooking all sorts of fatta-like food, the stuff i specifically don't like!!!

i would like to say men ghezha, bas leeha 7a2!