December 30, 2007

Dark dark thoughts that haunt me…

I have no one but myself to blame. I will not blame my bad mood or anyone, not today. I will not say that the troubles I have breathing right now are attributed to my mom’s thoughtless words or my bumpy divorce or the huge piece of shit from hell* I once fell for.

Well, I can blame him, but I choose not to. I blame me…

Not for falling for the wrong person; we all do that at one stage of our lives.

Not for choosing to ignore the millions of signs and choosing to see him as noble as I thought he was; I was young and naive and entitled to be wooed by a good looking guy who spoke well and made me feel loved.

But I will forever blame myself for accepting to live by his rules, rules I know I would have never agreed to and never actually did, but only lived by them to please him. I will forever blame myself for keeping unexplainable distance between myself and a lot of people just to make him feel secure.

This is what I blame myself for every time one or some of his lies unravel.


I do it to myself every time…

Every time I think I am strong enough to say that I am totally over the pain he caused, I receive yet another slap in the face…

But do I deserve it?? Perhaps… after all, I do seek the truth, truth that I know shall never bring peace to my soul.

But I challenge myself because I need to know for sure if I healed; I want to feel healed, is it that bad? Yes, for I know I will never be healed; I have more than just c-section scars, I have emotional scars that may seem to have healed but they are bound to sting whenever I pour salt on them, which I do!!

I just want my closure; every single time I think I have it, it slips right through my fingers leaving me with more pain than I can handle… will it ever end?? The only closure I would accept is to know he’s sorry and he’s paying the price, but it may take more than my lifetime to get that. Why don’t I just have faith that he will get what he deserves in time?? I blame the stupid stupid notion that bad things are bound to happen to bad people and that in fairy tales, the villain is bound to suffer in the end. But my end seems to be much further than in fairy tales.


Even when I am in my strong moments, my mind can’t help but wander to two devastating thoughts…

Number one: has he always been like that, or did he simply change??? It hurts to think I was THAT stupid not to see him for who he is… I thought I was smarter than that; my friends always told me I was smarter than that!! If only they see me now!

Seriously, was it all a lie??? I hate to admit I will never really know for sure… stop moping, get over yourself already! You hate whining, so quit doing it, suck it up and move on and don’t be such a wimp.


Number two: I can’t believe I am the best option my kids have!!!!! Seriously, given how much my mom and I have been fighting lately, and how she keeps bringing up that I am a terrible person and mother, I am starting to believe her shit! Let alone that when she says things like how she’s tired babysitting mocha, my pride itches and I hate myself for needing her help, or my sisters’ for that matter… yeah, i resent needing help.

I hate to admit that I have considered for a fraction of a second sending them to their father and his family to take care of them. That thought was rejected instantly for I know for a fact they provide an even worse environment.

Which brings me back to my thought, am I really the best option they have? May God have mercy on them… my heart was breaking as I was crying my eyes out to my friend H on the phone telling her how inadequate I feel. I appreciate her extremely soothing words reassuring me that it was the sleep deprivation and the effect of mama’s words talking, not my normal self (whatever that is), but the thought still lingers: Am I the best they have??????



My head won't leave my head alone*


* N has exclusive copy rights of the words in italics followed by an Astrix.

14 comments:

samurai girl said...

as corny as it sounds... love is all what matters...
It's so obvious that you love your kids and that's what they need right now... it's ok to sometimes feel incapable of handeling it or taking care of them... parenting was never an easy job

BaTaBeeT said...

dear..
u have to let go of these blackened thoughts...and soon enough u'll find closure...
time mends every scar... forgetting is the biggest gift from God... maybe u wont receive the gift as soon as u need but u will someday

stop listening to ur mom's judgements about u...they all do that...
we all do mistakes and see the people not the way they really are

bottom line... DONT BLAME URSELF... there's noone to blame
and yea u r the best option they have... sure its not ur mom or ur ex... bala nela... and u're good enough !!! u'll know it someday... just let it go and dont look for closure.. u CLOSE everything and try to stop ur mind of bringing weird thoughts that will just consume u and "salt" the wounds

hurricane_x said...

This time I won't tell u to resist these thoughts and do so and so..!
u r still in a winning situation..
1- u r still young (think about it if u left him when u r 35 or sth)!
2- u rescued the childhood of ur both kids from a ruined marriage.
3- u had ur life back b4 it was too late (think about it that way and don't think about the yrs lost in marriage).
Now,...screw all !
Everyone is going to pop up with a suggestion and an opinion every now and then cuz he can't find sth to say (unfortunately that's what we Egyptians do" lazem nefty)
get a plan, a route..
u said u lost yrs, so get what u lost back whatever it is, be it going out, a hobby or whatever!
just try it, I'm not saying that's the solution.
just try!

insomniac said...

i've been waiting till my mood gets better to reply... not working! so here it goes..


samurai girl,

love matters but other things count, even when it comes to a mother and her children... i am sure my mom loves me, but she has a way of making me hate myself and sometimes hate her... i don't want to be her one day, everrr!!! i've been told i am nothing like her, but i am not sure it is the not her i wanna be!!

thanks for your support and welcome to my blog!

insomniac said...

battoouu,

inty konty fe ghaybooba we se7eety!

el afkar el sooda de mesh beta3ty, el omm :) and no honey, whoever said time heals scars lied, or just didn't put right... time makes you care less, probably because you get caught up in more shit!! i don't mean to be a pessimist, but when u look back and think "eh de kanet 7aga hayfa", it's basically because the thought continues: "el araf elly ana feeh da howa elly begad"

you don't just forget 7 years of your life... 7 critical years that shape your character cannot simply be forgotten, i hope i can just stop thinking of my loss, or at least have something to make that loss worth its while.

i don't listen to ma's judgements, she forces them into my head... u should meet her!

i just hope i am as good a mother as i want to be and as they deserve, nothing less! as for salting my wounds, well, salt might hurt like hell, but it kills the bleeding tissue... i am hoping for that!


new rule: long comments get long replies.....

insomniac said...

hurricane,

i am glad u won't tell me to resist my thought... it's not a great idea btw!! acknowledging them and dealing with them seems much better.

all the points u mentioned are valid... but sometimes they simply aren't enough!

i usually live by the screw-all motto, but when opinions and judgements are forced into ur head, every now and then one seems to get to you!!

i have lots of plans, you have no idea... but most of them are on hold until my divorce settlements are final and until i can spend more time away from home when my kids are a bit older... within 2 years or something!

thanks for the get-off-ur-whining-behind-and-make-a-plan advice... i like those, especially when i'm in that crappy mood

Maat said...

why do you reply to each comment lwa7do?

anyhoo, since i understand all that and see it for myself you do know i totally sympathize, and since i know the mom you're talking about i have deep deep deeeeeep understanding of what you're saying... bas hey, up until very recently you were not the mom you wanted to be around your kids (the one you usually are) you were distant and to a great deal dependent on your mom. this could be totally excused cause obviously you were in a crappy mood and maybe you needed some break, but the thing is you can't blame her for blurting out shit (i mean more than average) if you are dependent on her without giving her much credit!!! this is her way of dealing... it has been ever since we were babies and we learned to live with it.
you want to avoid it as much as you can, take off as much load as you can handle. i could be asking you for too much considering all the shit you're going through... walahy i know, bas asl if they were to let you live on your own you will have to take care of it all on your own anyway, of course mama's lack of hurtful words will be a motivation to carry on then...
ahhh... i'm sorry for the useless lat w 3agn. i'm sorry you dont see me helping out much! and i'm sorry i'm not totally taking your side, i'm just trying to find fair grounds to stand on!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations. that proves you're a normal person.

yea thats the only good thing I can think of.

insomniac said...

anon,

so before you read that post what was i other than a normal person??

and normal 3ashan eh???? come on, be more specific :)

Ma 3lina said...

I always come very late :((

However, U should not question ur ability to raise up ur children nd make them happy, never ever do that y3ni

Have some faith in urself and like hurricane said dont lose the coming years like u lost in the past as u say

So, Happy new and wish u the best of luck to u nd ur two cute kids , may this year be joyful on u :)

insomniac said...

ma 3alina,

thanks girl... happy new year to you :)

Anonymous said...

a supermom?
then I remembered its a mythical creature.
& hey!
Have a KitKat Chunky.
(just a friendly reminder to have a break)

SaRaH said...

I know how you feel at some point in my life I seeked closure as well thinking it would make me feel better and when it came it did not do me any good wanna know why cause I closed the matter myself long ago. I got fed up from the pain and the restlessness i was having in my life. and thats my dear friend what should you do.. You should provide yourself closure for you.. Cause you deserve to rest and feel good about yourself..Just let go and you will feel free.

insomniac said...

anon, yeah i love kitkats in the winter!!

sarah, with my obsession with people getting what they deserve, i think my closure will be to know he got what he deserved... no way that wouldn't bring peace to me :)

thanks for the support girl :)