Disclaimer: this post is one of my random emotional vomits, it is not a recommended read for those who have just gotten out of bad relationships… N, Nora and Jade: please do not read.
These are the facts…
I am strong. I am rational. I like myself the way I am. I am well aware of my flaws, and I acknowledge and accept them, sometimes I even make up for them when I think it is worth it. I do not indulge either in self pity or in delusions, and I totally resist getting depressed. When I get overwhelmed by negative feelings, I start making up funny things in my head so that I can start laughing the bad feelings away. Sometimes sarcasm helps more and sometimes finding someone who deserves some attitude helps.
Yes, I am over him. However, this does not mean that I am totally over the pain he caused; it still gets to me from time to time, and makes me act like a total bit$h.
With all the scars he left me (and I do keep finding out more scars everyday), I still believe that not all men are crap; I still believe that some are just as good as I once thought he was. Yet, I almost know for certain that I will NEVER get into any relationship again. The reason I used the word ‘almost’ is because I learned the hard way that when you say never, life kicks you in the @$$, so I am just avoiding life’s terrible sense of humor.
Now that I have stated the things I know for sure….
Here are the wonderings that keep getting to me from time to time…
During my daydreaming time, why does my mind always wander to those bad memories, like phrases that once broke my heart, or incidents that my heart chose to ignore, while my mind and instincts knew better?
Why do I think of her from time to time and compare his words to my perception of her in a futile attempt to tell the truths from the lies, while I am aware that no good shall ever come of it?
Why does every inch of my body ache that way? There is no reason for the bruises I have all over my arms and legs, the lumps I have on both sides of my neck and the muscular strain I have in my ribs area other than my bad mood. I don’t need health problems damn it. I was once much healthier than that, and I miss it. I am not sure if this is my body’s way of telling me that there is more damage than I admit or just its normal way of getting rid of the negativity that had been there for some time.
Until I am done with all that mind, soul and body cleansing, I have decided not to fight whatever emotions I am feeling; instead, I will just accept them and try to move on. I am neither happy like I was a couple of weeks ago, nor sad and heartbroken like I was six months ago; I am just trying to move on with the least damage possible.