December 6, 2007

And here it goes…

Disclaimer: this post is one of my random emotional vomits, it is not a recommended read for those who have just gotten out of bad relationships… N, Nora and Jade: please do not read.

These are the facts…

I am strong. I am rational. I like myself the way I am. I am well aware of my flaws, and I acknowledge and accept them, sometimes I even make up for them when I think it is worth it. I do not indulge either in self pity or in delusions, and I totally resist getting depressed. When I get overwhelmed by negative feelings, I start making up funny things in my head so that I can start laughing the bad feelings away. Sometimes sarcasm helps more and sometimes finding someone who deserves some attitude helps.

Yes, I am over him. However, this does not mean that I am totally over the pain he caused; it still gets to me from time to time, and makes me act like a total bit$h.

With all the scars he left me (and I do keep finding out more scars everyday), I still believe that not all men are crap; I still believe that some are just as good as I once thought he was. Yet, I almost know for certain that I will NEVER get into any relationship again. The reason I used the word ‘almost’ is because I learned the hard way that when you say never, life kicks you in the @$$, so I am just avoiding life’s terrible sense of humor.

Now that I have stated the things I know for sure….

Here are the wonderings that keep getting to me from time to time…

During my daydreaming time, why does my mind always wander to those bad memories, like phrases that once broke my heart, or incidents that my heart chose to ignore, while my mind and instincts knew better?

Why do I think of her from time to time and compare his words to my perception of her in a futile attempt to tell the truths from the lies, while I am aware that no good shall ever come of it?

Why does every inch of my body ache that way? There is no reason for the bruises I have all over my arms and legs, the lumps I have on both sides of my neck and the muscular strain I have in my ribs area other than my bad mood. I don’t need health problems damn it. I was once much healthier than that, and I miss it. I am not sure if this is my body’s way of telling me that there is more damage than I admit or just its normal way of getting rid of the negativity that had been there for some time.

Until I am done with all that mind, soul and body cleansing, I have decided not to fight whatever emotions I am feeling; instead, I will just accept them and try to move on. I am neither happy like I was a couple of weeks ago, nor sad and heartbroken like I was six months ago; I am just trying to move on with the least damage possible.


Nora said...

Hey beautiful,
I am not one to follow directions.. I read the post anyway.
So, I do feel that the body rids itself of negativity in it's own way. Maybe this is why your feeling sick these days.
I hope you feel better physically and emotionally...

insomniac said...

yeah i hope so too, i only appreciate my hyperactivity when i am missing it!

thanks love

N said...

i read it as well.

women are hopeless.

Nora said...


Do you think Jade will read it or not?

N, I agree.. we are hopeless!

insomniac said...

hehe, mafeesh fayda :)

i know i would have done the same

i think Jade will read it too!! i just hope she doesn't read it on her bd.

Ran said...

great words .. and a powerful way of expressing whut u feel :)

Ma -3lina said...

U express urself as no one mash alah

well moving on and accepting whatever emotion pops out is the solution like u huv said

bs i thought u would be more happy by now coz i feel that the nightmare is coming to an end.

So focus on urself and ur health plz, u huv to be strong for ur two cute kids rabna ykhlihom isa

God bless u nd ur little kids mowaah :))

insomniac said...

thank you ran for your words. i don't think i am that powerful! welcome to my blog and all :))

ma-3alina, i can't be the happy you expect me because it's not over yet... lessa showaya keteer, rabina 3al moftary :)

my health is kinda improving, i wish i could have more ME time, but i can't.

thanks girl

hurricane_x said...

It's a healing process. Side effects r dying but they get some extra activity from time to time but soon 2ensha2 Allah they'll be gone.
It's good to know what u did right or wrong to understand how u r going to get out of this state.
Just have patience :)
God bless u

insomniac said...


i am not that proud about being patient because it's all i can do, not my choice... patience is one of the virtues i don't have :)

thanks dude :) and have a good day :)

SaRa said...

Well I am here to tell you that you are allowed to show how you feel and not lock it up why the hell should you let it out and be glad that this poison is not in your life and your reflections are the only relation between you anymore..
and remember you are surrounded with friends.. feel free to look me up any time :D

insomniac said...

oh i show, i show too much, or at least my family makes me feel i do!

i will hold u to your word, matefra7eesh awy :)

Nora said...

Do not let anyone tell you how you should feel or react...
Everyone is entitled to their opinion.. but they are entitled to keeping it to themselves also.
Do what you need to do.
Feel the way you need to feel.
React the way you need to react.
The only thing that matters is making yourself feel better...

insomniac said...

nora, ur gr8 aren't u :)