December 4, 2007

Every time I think of her…

Someone has hurt her… really scarred her. For some reason, she would never tell me, and for the very same reason, I would never ask!

I tried to get closer, tell her stories that could help her with whatever she’s struggling to accept, even show her some of my scars to let her know that we all have those, but her response even scared me more.

I am left with too much confusion; I don’t know if I should pretend like I have no idea whatsoever, which I don’t, or give her special treatment that would not hurt her vulnerability.

Sometimes she gets on my nerves and I want to yell at her, but I try to hold back because I am afraid she’s too brittle to the extent that a thoughtless word would break her.

I hold back, not just because I cherish her dearly, but also because sometimes I wish people would do the same with me.

Back to her, I don’t think I want to know what happened, unless she wants to tell. All I want is to know she’s back on her feet and that her scar won’t hurt if people pour salt on it, because truth is, they will.

And to whoever or whatever caused her that much pain, I say: “HOW COULD YOU, she definitely did not deserve that!! She was in a place much better than I have ever been”. It boggles my mind because when my life fell to pieces I knew I was to blame for the mistakes I realize I’ve done along the way, but her; she was really pure! She has always been the better one.

Bottom line: I look at her, and I feel life is sad and unfair to some people. I look at her and think that sometimes people have to take what they can’t handle, and she definitely couldn’t handle whatever it is she took. I remember that nightmare I had of her almost three years ago that made me wake up screaming, and I feel this strong pain in my heart all over again.


hurricane_x said...

I guess some people just don't feel like talking when they r pushed to. They just talk when they feel so, maybe out of fear of breakdown during the process and being exposed.
They just need to feel that they r supported all the way and they have the chance to being heard anytime.
I dunno!!

insomniac said...

i never asked her to tell me anything! actually, the only reason i talked to her that way is to help her accept whatever it is whether she keeps it to herself or shares it with someone else.

Anonymous said...

just be there for her..silently..with warmth and intimacy

she just appreciates that..even if she never spoke of it


insomniac said...

i try! given that i son't see her much, and that we don't get together that often, i try!