December 3, 2007

All over again…

The same trembling…The same stomach clenching… The same troubles breathing…Yes, it’s the same anger and the same anxiety!

But why? I have found my peace! I know what I don’t want; I know I don’t want him.

Why do I get startled each time he calls? Why does he come to my mind when people talk about relationships? And why do people ask me about him all the time? Will they stop asking if I tell them he’s a piece of shit that I no longer want to have anything to do with?

I no longer want to say his name or talk like we’re still married. I want to free my ring finger from him. I want to be able to forget wearing the ring before I go out without having my father glaring at me, reminding me I am still married. I remember, I remember all that; what I want is to forget.

Yes, I think I want to forget it ever happened. I want that memory wiped off my mind for good.

He’s become not just a bitter memory, but also a scary one. I have no reason why, but he scares the shit out of me. How can I fear him that way? I guess I fear him the same way I fear a cockroach. I know it can’t harm me, but I jump and scream hysterically when I see one.

I want my seven years back. I am willing to give away all the lessons I learned. I want my seven years back.

Yes, I am freaking out. The child in me is freaking out and I have no one to turn to for I have made everyone believe I am stronger than that and I am not willing to admit otherwise. I am not ok with anyone feeling sorry for me or worrying about me. No one can help me and I am well aware of that.

I want my seven years back like they never happened. This way I can have my nana back too, this way I would still be talking with K. I am willing to refund all the good stuff that happened in those seven years if I can have them back and start all over again.

I want to start all over again, instead of looking back and thinking “Once upon a tulip…”


hurricane_x said...

It's not that u fear him. u still can't figure out what he might do (he's unable to do anything for sure 2ensha2 Allah) but u, being uncertain of his next move, makes u a little scared.
We fear the unknown. The unknown may not be at all scary but we r simply not sure.
Faith insmoniac. Just wipe these thoughts off, when it comes, over and over again till it's done automatically.

insomniac said...

ok, i guess i understand why i 'fear' him... the question now is, why do i fear the cockroach?

never mind.

in my desperate attempt to snap out of my mood, i am laughing like an idiot. i just laughed because a friend told me a super lame joke that i already knew, and may i add, not even a joke... and the sad part is that i started laughing when he said "marra wa7ed..."

i am not sure which is worse: the mood i was in when i wrote that post, or trying to get out of that mood by being the total idiot i feel i am now :s


hurricane_x said...

The best jokes r the meaningless already know ones :)
As u said: "Whatever"
Even if they are hysteric jokes and out of stress, what really matters is feeling relieved afterwards!
just do it:)

insomniac said...

ok! working on it.