December 13, 2007

An overdue rant

Two years ago, when I was diagnosed for having stones in my gall bladder (aka marara), and had to have it removed, a friend of my sister’s told her sarcastically “gozha fa2a3laha el marara, sa7”! Back then, no one had a clue of my marital problems, not even I! It was basically that friend’s conception that most people are unhappily married, in addition to the general conception that men give their wives el marara.

It was basically a joke. Even when the two of us had that big fight when I did not like the doctor he made me visit with his creepy doctor friend, that I panicked the day of the ERCP procedure and had to postpone it to the next day to be done in another hospital with a different doctor, the one who first diagnosed me (God bless that man).

Even when he did not show up that day because he was upset with me for ‘embarrassing’ him with his doctor friends, I did not think we had big issues really. Even when I got out of the hospital the same day to go back to my beano and did not find the driver or the car, that my mom and I had to take a cab home, I thought it was him urgently needing the driver to run an urgent errand. Even when he visited for a total of 15 minutes and left despite the pain I was in and my request of him to stay with me; I just thought he was like my dad, unable to react around sick people. Instead, I appreciated him bringing me ice cream despite being unable to eat a thing for two days.

I repeatedly over heard mama saying “howa elly gablaha el marara”, and just gave her the stop-saying-crap look. However, according to her, my husband was mean to me since our first baby. She saw my continuous sobbing long after my baby blues was supposedly over. She saw that fight I had with him over the phone in the hospital parking lot. She knew how extremely uncomfortable his grandma made me feel and saw how many times I have endured it saying “my late nana wasn’t that easy on people either, but she loved me; the least I can do is endure that woman because I know she loves him”.

As my mother, she felt bad for me of the past year, she sometimes badmouthed him, but she was immediately silenced by my glares. And of all the people he has offended all through the past six months (and even before), she was the one he offended the most because she was an easy target; given how he knew we never got quite along.

So what the hell is wrong with her to tell me that yesterday?

Her: you know, this court thing, could drag for a year, it’s not good for the kids
Me: so? There isn’t much I can do about it!
Her: I was thinking… but you always dislike my opinions and give me attitude, although all I want is the best for you and the kids..
Me: meaning?
Her: really, it’s for the welfare of the kids, and I know you wouldn’t like to hear the end of it
Me: mama, just say whatever it is you want to say and spare me the intro; this is exactly what makes me impatient
Her: he wasn’t always that bad you know
Me: MAMA, say whatever you want already
Her: well, for the sake of the kids, don’t get me wrong, what would happen if you –just for the sake of the kids- compromise and go back to him..

I will not repeat what I said to her in reply, because it was extremely rude and impolite of me. However, I am ashamed to say, I would say all over again.

When telling my father, he smiled and said “typical”. I told him “no seriously, I need to know what she was thinking, did she really mean it? Or she just wanted to piss me off?”. He tried to explain by telling me that she thinks I am acting irresponsibly, which is making her believe to some extent that my husband had reasons to behave that way!!!

Again, I was overwhelmed by what my dad told me; I asked him what she was expecting of me exactly and what her definition of responsible was. Again, he repeated that it is a fact that I am being irresponsible to an extent, and did his best to change the subject after making it clear that he does not agree with the rest of mama’s theory.

What do they want? I may not act ‘responsibly’ all the time, but I sure as hell have a big sense of responsibility that is suffocating the crap out of me.

I have admitted what I have done wrong in my marriage more than once; heck, I have even apologized to my husband for it repeatedly despite my awareness that it no way justified what HE did to me.

I am the one who takes care of the kids (with my family’s help), not him; he never even did that. The most he has ever done was take beano to the pool and then giving him to me to shower and change him, even when I was pregnant.

I never complained when he wasn’t that bad. I was as responsible as I could be, given all the circumstances.

Damn it, they can’t just do this to me, they can’t!!

Now, I know she expects me to take care of mocha more, but how am I supposed to when I sleep less than 5 hours a day, work 8 hours a day, and run errands every now and then, and let’s not forget I have a flu that simply won't go away!!

Yes, I get tired!! Am I not supposed to??

Yes, sometimes I can’t stand the sound of a crying baby, and I am entitled to; still, I take him in my arms and try to smile and sing to him the way I normally would if I wasn’t that exhausted.

Yes, I lose my temper at beano when he insists on doing the same mistake over and over just out of being stubborn and I yell at her when she tells me to take it easy because I don’t want him to be a spoilt brat like some I know. But I also know how to take him in my arms and make him feel loved and accepted for whatever her is.

I am admitting I am not the best mother in the world; I know I am not. I even know I am not as responsible as I should be at times.

But I am responsible enough to stay in my room when I have extremely strong urges to get dressed and leave all the chaos I have and just drive away until I feel ready to go home and take it from her or from my kids.

I am responsible enough to wake after midnight and change mocha’s diaper when I am too tired and finally sleepy.

I am responsible enough to keep my social life to the minimum so that i can spend more time at home although I would love to go out and have some fun for a change.

I am responsible enough to still respect that I am married, even if it’s to someone whom for all I know is probably either married or dating or doing whatever, and living his life to the fullest, yet ignoring the family he crushed.

I am sorry ma, I can’t be any more responsible than that! I am a 26 year old child who feels ages older than she really is. I hated responsibility since I was a little kid, but I always took it because no one else would, so spare me that crap.

I wasted 7 of the best years of my life on him, and for that I couldn’t be sorrier. So, NO, I will never even think of wasting one more minute on him for anybody’s sake, not even my kids. And by the way, I am 1000000% convinced that it can never be good for my kids to stay in such marriage.

And if you utter one more word about how many times you decided to stay in your marriage for our sake, I will personally go ask dad to spare you and give you your long waited, yet never requested divorce, except that I know it is NOT what you want; it is just your way of making things about you, like when I complain about something and you say you have it too.

LEAVE ME ALONE, I have enough shit in my life and I promise I can take it much better if you just cut me some slag.


Anonymous said...

Well said. Truly well said. If you communicate all this to your mother, I am sure she will cut you some slack. It is not easy, and I am sure that she would want the best for you. She maybe under the impression that the best for you is when you are with him. If you show her that you are at your best when you are WITHOUT him, she will probably no reproach this subject again. This is just a guess, I am sure you know your own mom better :)

You have to understand how brave you are to be 26 and have gone through all this. You should also know that everyone has problems at varying degrees and on different things. Just remember this all through the way.

Samar said...

U have no idea how much u affected me with this post....u touced my heart and I totally feel 4 u although I know it doesn't help that much....

Just want u to know that I pray 4 u...and I wish u'll get through this hard time as soon as possible...

This "person" who was ur husband doesn't deserve being thought of as a good husband or a good father...and I hope ur mother will understand this oneday....this post showed alot of situations where he acted so irresponsibly and he didn't look like he cared aslan....but u definatly forgot all this crap coz that's how our brians works in such marriages...keep giving excuses just so u can can believe them and just feel peace....

anyway...I think at this time u need to see a therapist...anti-depressant might be what u need in this hard time....I remember u mentioned a therapist in one of ur u still see her????

Wish u best of luck...take care

insomniac said...

anon.. first of all, did u comment on my blog b4??

anyway, thanks for your kind words, but you have no idea how many times i have tried communicating all this with mama... it's an agreed upon fact that she never listens....

i know she loves me, but her way of showing it sucks!

she hates him, she just... i don't know! i guess she was raised to believe that "del ragel wala del 7eeta" which infuriates me.

and i promise i know ppl who have more shit that i do, and i feel for them and i am grateful that i can handle what i have.... i really feel that way! and it helps me go through with my problems with perspective.

insomniac said...

samar... your words and your prayers mean a lot! even if they do not change my situation much, they sure count for something.

it helps to hear someone agreeing with me regarding him because sometimes for very short periods of time, i doubt my reason!!

i don't think my therapist will give me anti depressants, she clarified that i don't need any and that the way i feel is normal given the current circumstances.

i am giving art therapy a try tho.. it sounds like something nice to try :)

thanks for visiting....

still breathing said...

I'm sorry about your gall is irreplacable just like the 7 years.

you're entitled to feel the way you do, don't let anyone whatsoever (m3 el 28tram lel kol tb3n) make you feel guilty about those feelings.

I agree with anonymous that you're very brave & strong to be facing this.
& your mama...whats she's saying, thats her job the way she sees it. (even though, you say, "he" offended her the most)

you know what? you don't need to prove how you're being responsible..
YOU know that you are responsible & thats ENOUGH.
but if you're making a list, don't miss out #1 which is, IMO, leaving that (insert a dirty adj here)person you were married to.
yea its not official yet but he's past tense already.
~Rodney Atkins
"If You're Going Through Hell"

(ignore it if you're not into country music, or if you're not into the mood of listening to songs in the first place)

hurricane_x said...

Yeah, it's so provoking when someone else judge u and say u should or u shouldn't while he's not the one who's suffering.
And I don't see a sense of responsibility or logic when u do something against ur will for the rest of ur life that'll end up making u unable to do ur basic responsibilities.
And as (still breathing) said: "YOU know that you are responsible & thats ENOUGH"
It's ENOUGH what u do, and ENOUGH going through problems again!

insomniac said...

still breathing,

i am not missing my gall bladder much :) so i am ok with its loss really!

as for what other ppl think, i could always handle that, it gets to me when mama does it because she expresses her opinions in so many way, and her choice of words is usually hurtful.. sometimes i just can't take it.

thanks for your words girl

insomniac said...

hurricane, that's why i am pissed, she is supposedly going through some of this with me; you would think she knows better!!!

ur right, enough already! i do need a break... i yearn for one.

thanks man..

and happy holidays y'all