November 25, 2007

I need a break…

I really don’t wanna bit$# anymore, I just don’t… but this is where I vent, so here it goes…


On Mom…

Ok, I love her, underneath that much anger and lack of self control that shows when I join her in her yelling contest, I do!! She just can’t stop getting on my nerves and pushing all the wrong buttons.

You would think that knowing and accepting who she is and what she’s like would make things easier to handle, but nooooo, she’s creative that way!!

Why would she keep telling me things like “manty elly gebteholna”, has she no idea how hurtful this could be? Doesn’t she get that when I say something mean in return, it’s basically because I was hurt? Moreover, doesn’t she get that I have even worse answers that I do my best to keep just for myself?

Why would she keep whining about how tired she is? Is it to tell me that it’s because of me? Because when I try to offer help or take the kids for the day out to give her sleeping time, or just private time, she acts like I betrayed her!! I even offered to take her out shopping or whatever, I got the you’re-acting-out-of-guilt lecture!

How about I am acting out of gratitude? How about responsibility? How about even sympathy? Yeah there is a little guilt in there ma, but it’s because it’s all you can enforce!! I offered to bring over a nanny to make things easier and give her the supervisor role, but she said the maid already kept her on her toes and that she DID NOT need more intruders!

When I am home, I try my best to take the load off, I know my best isn’t much, but guess what, I am tired too! I have headaches that won’t go away, which I stopped even complaining about, I get chest pains from time to time and I won’t start talking about the backaches or the knee pain because I feel pathetic already about all that.

And stop complaining woman! All have their problems, my sisters have problems, my dad has problems, and the maid has her own set of problems!! Try; just try to be thankful for whatever little health you wouldn’t acknowledge having… I have friends whom their moms have some serious shit and don’t complain half as much, and I try my best not to compare you against them because it’s not ok! So stop comparing me to your imaginary ideal friends’ daughters and count the things I am actually good at. And when I tell you “e7medy rabena, some people have it much worse” don’t give me the “ya3ne enty 3ayzaha teb2a worse for me” I mean, when you insist on being miserable, miserable is all you shall ever be, trust me; been there!!

Despite that I keep telling her all that, she just never listens or understands that I do say it with love.


On the soon to be x…

Seriously, what’s wrong with you!! Do you need a slap on the face, a punch maybe? Would this bring you back to your forever lost senses??? What it is that you need??? I may not be able to give it; for you could burn in hell for all I care, but just go dump your shit elsewhere and let me fix the damage you caused and do all it takes to stop having angry thoughts when I think of you.

What’s with the “you look amazing, and cute” wtf, we’re meeting COURT to revoke the TA3A thing, remember??? When I gave it time to think what to wear, it was not to impress you, you moron. If the smiles and the warm welcomes is to impress the government officials, then let me tell you, you lost your audience when you started offending my lawyer, my dad and saying you were gonna flea the country and remarry!! You lost the audience when you started claiming you were paying off your late father’s debt yet talk about your new German-made car. I kinda thought you were a bit smarter than that!! But as it turned out, I know nothing when it comes to you.

So how did it feel when you could break my shell for those five minutes I looked down and took the time to wipe my eyes and my cheeks? Did you feel some kind of sick victory for seeing that you still have it in you to make me cry? Or did you feel guilty because somewhere under the piles of scum, there lays a conscious that is aware of what you did and hopefully haunts you from time to time about it??

Why did you ask how the kids were doing? Was it to hear my voice soften when I speak of them because you could no longer hear it that way when I am talking to you? Was it because you knew that this is my one weak point, the one way you could still get to me? Or was it because you were genuinely concerned about them? I don’t think it’s the last one; a concerned father would have done things much differently.

Believe it or not, even when I ask those questions, I no longer care the way I used to about what the answers are. I stopped trying to understand and analyze, I even stopped trying to split you in two. I even stopped seeing any trace of you when I look at my kids. When I look at them, they look like young me, my sisters or my dad, sometimes mocha moves his eyebrows like uncle K, but neither of them reminds me of you anymore, and I am grateful.

I thought of calling you yesterday when beano started coughing and throwing up and I had to rush him to the ER. I felt that desperate and helpless! My own son, throwing up all over me and crying and saying my name and all I could think of was “should I call him?”. But I did not. Care to know why? You’re the hysteric one, remember? I am the one who would call the doctor, explain to her how his cough and vomit are like, understand her advice, and have it applied at the hospital accordingly. I am the one who would hold the boy and not mind the vomit. I am the one who would postpone all the drama until I know he’s stabilized, and then start fighting over what could have been done better.

You have no idea what it’s like really, although you always said it was your responsibility to do everything, it never really was, I just gave you too much credit for everything because it wasn’t credit I wanted for myself.


You have no idea what it’s like to worry that much about a son and try every denial tactic you hcan think of to convince yourself that bad things happen to other people only, and that your kid will be ok, will be ok, and that he won’t suffer from any sever damage for the rest of his life.

Yesterday, I could handle the ER trip, with my sister’s help. If I ever need more help, I have better people in my life who would offer it and give it, and I will never be too proud to ask for help when I need it concerning those two, the way I usually am when it comes to me. I will just never ask it of you because, help will never be what you have to offer or give.

So, next time you see me, don’t pretend like you wish things were better for you have done nothing to make them better. Don’t tell me I looked nice or ask me when I got those shoes or what was wrong with my left eye. Don’t ask about the kids and if beano remembered you still or if mocha started to look any different. Don’t do that cheap attempt of making me feel vulnerable because I have to talk about them like they were orphans. Better yet, leave the country, go get married and start a new life, and forget all about those two kids, and forget about me. We don’t need you. We don’t.

11 comments:

SaRa said...

Oh Dear I am sorry to hear about Beano.. I hope he is feeling better and I am really glad that you did not call the X. Trust me it is not worth it. I am glad you vented and let all that out..
If you feel like doing so anytime just let me know.. I do a lot of venting myself and I totally understand the need. :D
About mothers.. Well they are all the same all around they need somehow a special treatment and mostly they get on your nerves more than anyone else..
Do not feel alone out there you are surrounded with friends :D

insomniac said...

thanks for the support sara :)

when i thought of calling him it was because for a split second i thought he could be of some kind of help or that somehow he would act in a responsible manner, thank God my instincts took over tho.

beano is ok i think, still under observation, however he's taking advantage of it and scattering our shoes all over the place :) baltaga ba2a, mesh 3ayan :)

my mom is just amazing, she's extra nice since yesterday out of her own guilt of what happened with my son... guilt is the only emotion that makes her act nicely; however, love makes her act kinda mean... she's weird that way! i love her good moods tho.

hurricane_x said...

So sorry about ur son, and thank God he's better now.
Well,..u don't have to bother about ur X's attitude or being caring for the kids or not, after all, as u said, there are others who genuinely care much more about them.
God bless u :)

الشنكوتي الكبير said...

I don’t know what to say, so I’ll start with the second part the devorce
I’m proud of you for being strong again. I believe that he couldn’t find a way to improve his image but trying to show that he still cares and he is worried about you and the Kids but I still don’t feel any nobility in his action I jess it just his lawyer advice to gain the court any way I’m still confused about his insistence not to give you the devorce while he is planning to get a new life maybe he feel betrayed he used to feel guilt so when he found that you will be no longer his victim he is shocked so be brave

For your Mother I know that feeling thank god that my Mom is not that way but I have seen women just like yours be patient and God will repay you more than you could imagine

Good luck dear

Jade said...

Inso,

I feel you must sit your mother down sometime - in a day where laughter is heard all over the house... on a day when the mood is good & the love is felt & talk to her.

Everytime you speak of her it hurts & it is sad for I am sure she loves you & her hurting you is actually out of her being hurt FOR you... Yes, we humans are complicated like that.

Maybe you need to let her know how you feel calmly - as you did in the letter - as a friend - not a screaming match... I am sure you tried.. but dont give up.

As for the Ex - I dont give a shit about any of that... you will be better off if he goes to Europe or somewhere & leaves you to handle the kids alone.

God Bless You...

insomniac said...

thank you hurricane, thank u very much! beano is fine alhamdulilah, hayhed el beet 3ala demaghetna :) i am grateful tho :))


shankooty, i think you're kinda right about my x, he can't get over that i no longer need him!

as for mama, i really wish i could be more patient!


joujou, logic never works with people as emotional as my mom... i know she's hurt for me, i really do... i know most of her physical pain is her body's way of recognizing how much agony she feels because of the divorce and all the crap he's putting us through, and i try to support her on that, but i need her support as well, minus the mean comments!!

i tried the calm way, and the hurt way and even the no reaction way, nothing works!! and i should know that it is what it is like her own brother says when he sees us fighting, but i am not that much of a zen person :) not there yet

as for him, his role with the kids ended.. i am not handling them alone tho, all good

Will E. said...

That was a pretty intense post. Hope Beano is okay though.

Yes logic doesn't work with some people. The question is, can we control our own reactions as much as we want people to control theirs? It's an impossible situation.

insomniac said...

it has been one intense day.. yeah beano is ok now alhamdulilah, just flu for now...

i don't know about most ppl, but i can fairly say that i have no control over my reactions when it's someone i care for, like mama's case...

i think once you stop caring, u have more control over your reactions, not necessarily your emotions tho!

Nora said...

Insomniac,
I am glad to hear your son is doing better and I hope he gets well soon...

Venting is great.. and it is great to do it here.

What you wrote seems too personal for me to intrude with my comments..
But, I just wanted to tell you that I think you're a great mom.
My parents went through a horrible divorce when I was a kid. It messed me up for a long time. it did so because my parents forgot about us and only saw their problems and their pain.
They forgot their love for us as they thought about new ways to ruin each other's lives.
So, all I see in your posts is the constant thought about how much you love your children.
Divorce will be hard on them and on you... but the love you express for them here makes me feel like they will be affected by it with as little negativity as possible. I am sure they will grow up to be strong, happy, and confident people because of the strong love their mother has for them.

So, if you ever want to vent or bitch or whatever I am here...
I have been on their side of a divorce and I understand the pain felt by all... plus I am a good ear when it comes to listening to people.. e-mail me if you ever need to.
norahamdy@gmail.com

Wish you all the best!

insomniac said...

oh Nora, THANK YOU for your words... i am not sure you would think i am that good a mother if u knew me in person tho :)))

i mean yeah, of course i adore those two... i just feel they deserve more of me...

u know what, i am writing a post about it now... u inspired me :)))

Nora said...

I still think that I would think you're a great mom.
Just thinking that they deserve more of you means that you still want to give more of yourself to them...

Sounds like a great mom.

:o)