I am pictureless :(

Today, I noticed my profile picture on blogger is missing.

Apparently the link hosting it is down or forever lost, which is a bit upsetting since it left me with not much choices; either I look for a new one, or leave my profile pictureless.

Thing is, I almost never know what I want for sure. I mean yeah, I decided some time ago that I will use tulips because of that sentimental value they provide, but I don’t have a specific photo in mind.

I tried browsing Google images for a while, but I couldn’t relate to any of the displayed images. I don’t want any representation of tulips in vases or tied in bunches; it felt wrong, those particular flowers do not belong there, they are not domestic roses. And I am not that much into real photos either, I prefer sketches or something. And I hate the number 3, all the ones I almost liked represented 3 tulips.

I know I said I didn’t know what I wanted, but I definitely know what I don’t want. Coming to think of it, I think this is the way I have always been! This is how I have always made my decisions: It may not be what I WANT, because I don’t even know it, but it is definitely not something I don’t want, because that I know.

Was it how I chose to study business? Yeah I guess, I knew I wouldn’t go to med school no matter what. Wasn't bad at all!

Was it how I picked my job? Yeah, I picked based on non-hectic environment and non-extendable working hours which I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle with my kids and all. Good decision I would like to believe.

I think the one time I said “that’s what I want” was when I was asked if I was sure about the husband!! Yep, my uncle K asked me after he first met him “habibty, he’s nice and all, but are you sure this is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? Don’t get me wrong, I like him, but I want the best for you”, and I gave him that answer. Good thing I no longer talk to him that much, he’s the gloating type. In my defense though, I was never trained to know what I want, and that’s the closest I’ve been to knowing, or at least thinking I knew.

Note to self: never NEVER make decision based on what you think you want, old method works much much better.

This started with me being pictureless, but I got carried away (I do that a lot). Anyway, for now, until I find something I can relate to, I am pictureless.