March 15, 2009
For those who actually enjoy my incoherence…
Seven years ago, my late nana (Allah yer7amha) died on the same day. I say a little prayer for her with every time I wrote today’s date on a piece of paper or every time I come to think of today’s date. Neina, Allah yer7amek, wa7shany awy.
I woke up today in the itching mood of Vaya Con Dios, specifically I Don’t Want to Know. I was shocked to find that my music file at work did not include any of their songs so I downloaded the whole discography only to listen to my favorites. Until the download was complete I listened to Hanine’s version of Fareed’s Ya Zahratan Fe Khayaly. Those words speak for me like no other.
He keeps calling. Apparently he’s really bummed about everything in his life and he’s under the strong impression that I’m the only one he got! I am not happy with that but I am not able to hurt him because apparently his grandma is in such a bad shape and I am not cruel enough to hit someone so beaten up about life already. I keep telling myself that once on his feet, he’ll soon hurt me twice as hard; it’s what he does and I’d be stupid to think that a short moment of remorse can change who he is. I am starting to think of a smart way to set him straight; give him my dad’s strict conditions of having me back (and OH they are dead STRICT), but I feel ethically challenged since I have no intention to live up to my end of the bargain if he lives up to his. Why am I so ethical? I blame my dad.
I have so many plans I should mark in my calendar of people with whom I want to meet and catch up. My boss from my old work for next Thursday, and my friend from the same place for next Saturday, and I’m sure there are things I am forgetting! Oh, I must call H and see her, it’s been a while; still there is something I’m missing!
I don’t know what it is with you, but every time I try to be just nice or I don’t know more me, I find myself blurting out nothing but sarcasm! Ok, I know it’s a defense mechanism, but I thought I was over that with you; only it gets even harder to control. I hate it because this is not how I want to act around you and I hate it because I’m afraid you’re attributing it to the wrong reasons. May be it’s best to keep that distance.
I want a quiet evening in a night landscape with nothing but the moon and the stars in the velvet sky and perhaps some good music. I don’t want people and I am not sure about the company yet. The really sad part is even if I was granted that ambience; my restless nature would have me bored in less than 30 minutes. I’m pathetic!
I also wanna take the kids out and have fun, but they’re too crazy and chaotic and I am too tired to handle them without having a nerve blown out or something.
On the very same note though, yesterday I held both of them as I sat on the couch in the living room (I barely ever get out of my room), and I read them those three little books my sis wrote. My Beem just loves that character and I keep using it to make him do things (evil), but it was him who made me think of it when he said “mommy ana 3ayez aghsel senany zay boxa”
I’m overspending these days. The scary part is that I am a bit low on cash and using my credit card. I know I will have to deal with the consequences but I feel too stressed to start caring.
My mom seems to want me out of the house at any expense. She deliberately gives out instructions of the most disgusting food to be cooked. My parents were in Alexandria for the weekend and they returned late last night; still, Kaware3 was yesterday’s dish! EWWW I mean seriously EWWWWW, it ruined my apetite to walk in the kitchen and see that cooking!! I ended up eating salad from Pizza Hut followed by a muffin from Costa with my dearest The Caller. I want good food ba2a, and I hate home delivery, so they either start cooking real food or let me go dine out without calling me to yell!
I’ve been sitting on my desk all day juggling tasks. During the past four hours I’ve wanted to go boil some water and dump the noodles in it and have a snack to stop my stomach from growling, but something keeps coming up! I’m going home in less than 15 minutes now. Ooh, I’m so hungry that I actually feel sick; nonetheless, I keep getting cravings of Feta cheese & tomato or tuna & corn. It’s only good because I can totally settle for either if they all there was at home were yesterday’s kaware3.
Ok, I should go home now. Good day everyone.