March 4, 2009

Some unresolved anger


It’s been a while since I talked about the x or any of his detailed stories! It’s about time.

We’ve been meeting weekly on regular basis, we take the kids out on Fridays, have a family lunch and then he drives us home. To any outsider, we’re a perfect family made of two young parents and two adorable boys. However, if you look close enough, neither of us wears our wedding bands and we do not touch or have any private moments at all; and if you look really closer, you’ll see a dirty look I glare at him whenever he tries to move closer to me or flirts.

Nonetheless, I try to help him bond with the boys; when he gets them stuff I tell Beem “ben2ool le pappy eh?” he’d say “merci papa” and I’d tell him “meen bey7eb pappy”, he laughs and says “anaaaa”, and with Mocha I just tell to give daddy a kiss and he does. I love seeing how happy they are around him and how even happier they get when they get him to buy more toys than I would normally get them; I admire their intelligence and how they pick on how he wants to impress and use it to their advantage.

Between him and I, I tell him he should tone down the whole fun figure and act more like a parent when they’re being stubborn. Of course he doesn’t always listen because he’s tempted by the notion that they’d love him more if he always spoils them rotten, but they failed him the couple of times I disappeared to go to the ladies room or something; both times I found them waiting right outside all cried out cause mommy was gone. I just love my boys they make me feel like I’ve been doing an ok job all this time.

Moreover, I’ve had a chat with Beem’s teacher at the nursery and she bluntly asked me if things were fixed between his father and me. I smiled at her and told her that the decision to end the marriage is final but the procedures are taking some time. I confirmed that none of it shall affect the boys. She said she was happy Beem is adjusting because recently he’s been saying papa this and papa that while before that he used to stop talking whenever any of the other kids mentioned their daddies. So my decision to do the whole weekly outings was a good one.

One thing though, the x has been asking nonstop if he could take the boys to Zamalek where we used to live so that they’d see his grandma and his aunts. Normally, I would have been the softie I usually am and agreed except for a very important detail; last time I went there to pick my stuff two Ramadans ago, I was brutally kicked out and had my purse thrown behind me. That day I swore my kids would never get inside the place from where I was once kicked out. I think my pride is still a bit bruised because I can still feel a bit angry when I relive that day in my head and remember my feelings back then.

Today, I told him over the phone that we will not be seeing him this Friday because we’ll be in Alexandria for the weekend and out of the kindness of my heart, I offered that we’d meet on Monday instead since it will be an official holiday. This is how it went:

Him: ok, mafeesh moshkela
Me: tab ok, ana bas olt 2a2ollak abl mansa, bye
Him: tab estanny, 3ayez 2a2ollek 7aga
Me: mmm??
Him: eh ra2yek nekharaghom fe 7etta maftoo7a, zay el nady masalan?
Me: yeah sure, no problem as long as the weather is fine we mafeesh torab…
Him: tab eh ra2yek nekhaly 3amety teshofhom
Me: X, I will say this one more time, welady mesh hayroo7o beet ana edtaradt menno, and I really don’t think you should keep asking
Him: ana ma2oltesh yeego el Zamalek, net2abel fel nady, 3amaty 3ayzeen yeshofoohom
Me: fffffffffff
Him: betonfokhy leh? 3amaty makanoosh mawgoodeen 7ata yoomeeha…
Me: (annoyed that he’s getting around with a technicality and trying to avoid that my father hates for those two aunts to see the boys because they lied on the investigation reports) well, whatever, if anything I do not like happens, I’ll take the kids and walk out….
Him: ok, law 7ad day2ek be noss kelma emshy
Me: and your cousins will not be there, none of them
Him: ana 2olt 3amaty bas…
Me: if I spot any of your cousins I will not be nice or decent, I will probably be very rude
Him: I said none of them will be there…
Me: (mumbling)

I am very disturbed with that settlement, especially that I have just confessed to a friend of mine –as well as myself- that as much as it seems that I have come to good terms with everything that’s been as far as my wreck of a marriage is concerned, I am definitely not ok on a few aspects, like his family. I know he’s more flawed than they are, but I am also aware that he is the way he is because they taught him one way or the other that he can get away with anything; moreover, I cannot deny my kids a father, but I can keep their distance from his family, no?

There was a time back in my marriage when I lived with his grandma and aunt, and they always did things with my Beem that got under my skin, like feed him too much chocolate, yell at me when I try to discipline him or just interfere with what I choose for him to wear as if they were the parents! I used to take all that for the sake of whatever harmony I thought was there. Not anymore, the slightest criticism and I am likely to say something nasty and inconsiderate; not because I can’t help myself, but rather because I want to be nasty.

I am not proud of myself for feeling that way, but I am sure as hell convinced that I have very good reasons to. Yes, I have displaced my anger and rage at him towards them and I am not ready to deal with them on fake friendly basis yet, if that makes any sense.

8 comments:

batates_777 said...

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't see the aunts " or whoever related" besara7a , however you can let them go with their dad to see their relatives " quite hard I know specially they are still young and can't be left alone!, your principle is sort of right, that they dont visit a place where their mom hd been kicked out"..yet Selat el ra7em you know..that is the main concern I guess..selat elra7em..
so you wouldnot go, but you shall let them go ! it is quite tough!

and the part about they do stuff to your kids which you dont like , I think that is a problem with all grandpa's /grandma's..what you said , is typically somethin I see and hear of everyday..

Be strong :)

insomniac said...

u know, as ashamed as i am to admit it, i'll say it anyway... i can handle meeting his aunts, i can handle looking them in the eye and being a complete bitch if i have to, if anything, i'd love to live up to that scenario in my head....

i just know they really want to see my kids and i want to deny them that because i want to hurt them badly.... i want to hurt them the kind of hurt i can't do to the x because he's the father of my children....

this is why i know deep down that i should work on it because like my good friend D says, do whatever u want as long as it's not out of stubbornness... so anyway, i will give them the most passive aggressive attitude i can pull off...

as for letting my kids go... i can't let my children go to places or meet ppl i don't like... i am aware that it's something i definitely have to work on as they grow, but for the time being i think it's kinda my job as their mom and their better parent :)

batates_777 said...

Don't be ashamed !,you hv all rights to feel angry!..and being honest with yourself to admit it is smth not so many can afford ! really!
So,wish you good luck on working on that one ! and more luck when you get to see them :)

Mohamed ElGohary said...

I remember that dialogue from "V for Vendetta" where The hero says: "What was done to me was monstrous", the heroine replied:"And they created a monster".

I say that every action has a reaction, and you are trying to control it in a good way, but if I was in your place, I would be the same (I'm very sensitive to criticism from certain people and just jump fighting fire with fire when they say the slightest hint of negativism).

Be well.

Abdelsalam Rashad said...

You put your terms on the table. So he has two options take it or leave it. If anything in the air makes you feel bad. Turn the table. Take your sons and ...
Adios,,,you're gone.

Easy....

insomniac said...

thanks batates :)


mohamed,

this is what i am worried about... i have controlled my dislike for those people and restrained my reaction all the times i had to in the past... if i meet again, i will be hungry to give some of what i've been holding back now that they have taken away all reasons to be civil...

i am not worried about meeting them as much as i am worried about meeting them and not giving them a piece of the anger i still carry :)


abdelsalam,

my terms are pretty clear, at least the legitimate ones :) i am aware i am being extreme not wanting my boys to associate with his family, i know it doesn't even provide the balance i should preserve in their lives... it's more of an inner conflict i guess

Ice Queer said...

What u r feeling is totally healthy, but stop it when comes the day that ur kids start hating their father's family by ur reactions =))

insomniac said...

IQ,

the only reason i don't want my kids to hate their father's family is because i think hate is a destructive feeling... but i definitely do not want them to like them or Godd forbid love them!

moreover, the influence of those people is toxic... i've been piling up too much anger since i moved in with them and it was hurting me without evenn realizing... they are so intrusive and they have almost not manners or ethics and they do not consider that you might actually have any... yes i married into them, but i was young and i was under the false impression that the apple fell far from the tree.... i just want my kids to fall as far as possible from that tree now... a girl can hope...