March 23, 2009

as incoherent as it is...


When I’m afraid, I face my fears. Unless my fear is about consequences that are certain to happen and which I know I cannot handle, I use my stubbornness to do exactly the thing I am afraid to do. I am not bragging, it’s just how I function, and I admit it had taken me to all the wrong places; it’s not a virtue to live fighting with life and do the opposite of what everyone tells/expects you to do. For that, people who see my strength tell me I am daring and unique; they don’t know the battles I fight with my fear and the crazy things I do to win!

I can’t live without hope. Take it away from me and you'll watch my spirit wither and fade leaving nothing but the anger and resentment I try on daily basis to let go of! Yes, I have those; the scars left by my war wounds, wars where I mostly fought myself! I hope it will all be better once I figure out a way to like myself enough to stop all the fighting. I know I have it in me to be better but I get lost a lot because of my pride.

My heart is so… stupid. It’s stupid among so many other things, but stupid makes the top of the list because its stupidity has the power to take over my brains and make the wrong things seem right! I mistake a lot of things for the right things that way. I let go of my mind and its logic and the sense it makes to follow my stupid heart to where I overly abuse my mind and heart thinking about all the things others might take for granted.

My body is frail when my soul is that weak. And my soul is weak because I seem to take my faith for granted most of the time; how arrogant! My hands are cold and they seem to cramp every time I try to move them. I have a huge lump in my throat and I know I could use a cry but unfortunately I no longer cry the way that would ease my soul, I only cry the way that would hurt my eyes, my blurry eyes!

Every day is a battle to keep a balance that barely lasts for enough time to make an achievement! And I want so much of life, I want to make a lot of things and be a lot of things and sometimes it is too draining to be! I expect too much of people, but the tragic part is that I expect even a lot more from me, more than I can ever be.

And you, you messed that balance for such a long time. It gave me perspective on who I was as I was trying to mend and heal. I took what is probably my first lesson of self discovery and I took it through humility. I am grateful because it was an eye opener to a lot of things I took for granted until they were no longer real. It is knowing that there was something bigger to find and realize that made me find it in me to stop hating you.

Why isn’t that enough for you? It was enough for me! I know we’re not the same, but it’s you who insists that we are!

You just had to push until you made me burst! all you had to do was blame me and ask me to "think of the boys and think of sacrificuing for them before throwing us away" and I found myself saying those words...



Stop it, stop it right there… don’t make me set you straight on this one, don’t make me tell the story again, don’t you dare twist that story, don’t you dare believe your own lies and make a twisted truth out of them!
I was there, not just once, but twice, I let you fool me twice because I didn’t want to throw “us” away and I got my heart broken and I got my ego bruised and I took the time to stand on my feet, so don’t you dare pin it on me just because I am handling it better than you, because I seem stronger…
I am only strong because I resent being the victim but that does not mean you get to become the victim and make me the bad guy! I will not let you.
If you need to know that I have it hard, if that will make you feel better to know you’re not the only one who’ll suffers, let me tell you about my suffering yemken te7es be ne3met rabena 3aleik…
I am the woman in this plot, I get to be blamed by society unless they know the dirty details that you know I am too proud to share…
I am the one who’s either too stupid or too arrogant to a7afez 3ala beity we goozy…
I am the woman most of the other married women will fear that I might steal their husbands, or if I’m lucky, they will pity me because I don’t have a man!
I am the woman who will go to bed every night after I kiss my kids in their sleep hoping that my choice will never affect them in a bad way…
I am the one who tries to smile as I try to accept the fact that no loving fingers will stroke my hair before I fall asleep and no arms will hold me when I am restless…
I am the one who people will always tell me “but you’re too young to remain single for the rest of your life” yet would point accusing fingers at me if I decide to live my life in a way that makes me happy without violating any of their stupid rules, they will assume I am a bad mother and I am an easy woman…
It’s all me, not you… and I am facing those fears by telling myself that for the first time my instincts are backed up by logic and solid evidence… I am telling myself there is hope in a tomorrow, a hope that I’d be killing if I come back to you out of fear…
My heart is overwhelmed and it’s driving my mind crazy, but I know in my gut I am making the right thing yet I have to constantly remind myself of that or I’ll go insane!
So don’t pin it on me and say you’ve tried because it was you who sent me in that direction and I stopped blaming you for it!


And yet, you're still pushing!

10 comments:

Ice Queer said...

Ouch!
I HOPE he reads it and also tell him that Icy will haunt him and take him down if he didnt cut the victim role off!

Cheer up plz and u should be SO proud of urself like how i'm proud of u! You r such a strong person in an impressive way =)

Abdelsalam Rashad said...

Hang in there inso you are a brave and proud woman and mother... And don't blame yourself or even get mad from someone who is playing victim role.. And our community has to change the point of view of " Ya 7aram deh so3'ayara w motalakka" they have to think and to know the reason behind this situation... And single mothers began to be normal in our society..Go to the club to the kid's garden and most of the mothers there are single.And I am glad you win your battles maybe it's tough.But many people cannot win these fights.

The.I.inside said...

Not making sense is a part of being human.
a person who claims to understand him/her self 100% is either a liar or someone silly in every sense of the word.
Keep fighting the good fight and stay strong

insomniac said...

Icy,

there was no ouch there, not really... it got a bit too emotional, and i might have cried a bit, but it was definitely not an ouch; more like two years of emotions bursting into his face in the nicest way possible!

i think being a victim is a terrible feeling, and i can never understand those who embrace it and live it over and over... i just don't get them! my x is one of those even if he's not the victim!

i am cheered up, at least enough to still have hope and believe i have a better life waiting around the corner (keeping fingers crossed)...

insomniac said...

Abdelsalam,

our community is doomed by its own beliefs and practices :)

we "ya 7aram" is sadly the best i can hope for; because otherwise it would be "tela2eeha heya elly tafesheto, tela2eeha heya elly mesh naf3a" or whatever condescending thing there is!

insomniac said...

I,

thank you for the encouraging words :)

Slop said...

I see you've bounced back, that's good, however, know this, people - myself included - will always be judgemental, you've obviously learned to cope, just don't let your emotions accumulate to the point of bursting.

insomniac said...

i don't mind that people can be judgmental... what pisses me off is when they don't try to see beyond that and stick to their false judgments knowingly... oh well

Anonymous said...

Insomniac,
following your blog i can see that you believe in fairness and justice and you were brought up to believe and distinguish between what's right and what's wrong, add to that (you are Utopian) that's not easy is it? I just came by to say easy on yourself.
hope my spelling is OK this time.
my very best regards to you.

insomniac said...

Anon,

welcome again, and thanks for identifying yourself! and your spelling was just fine :)))

geesh, u make it sound like i have it really hard! do i sense a fellow cynic here? :)

anyways, thanks for stopping to tell me to take it easy! i'll try :)

have a good weekend!