March 25, 2009

Stupid Passion


Is it possible for someone who doesn’t know their passion in life to get so passionate over the stupidest of things!!

I guess so; I’m a living proof!

Months ago, my therapist told me I needed to find my passion; that I was lost and I needed to find my soul doing something, and that I had to figure it out. It made m look at him desperately asking for a clue but he kept looking at me and said I should find my passion on my own because no one else would know it if I don’t.

I’ve been thinking of all the possible things I could be passionate about. I replayed my life trying to remember the things I liked doing, the things I was good at doing, and there was the shocking truth…

I never really liked anything long enough to be the best at it; it could be because I was afraid I would never be the best, so I gave up at the stage of it being just a hobby to escape any potential failure.

Wait, it gets better…

The things I was actually good at, I kept them at a distance because I didn’t want to wake up one day to discover I got bored and stopped liking them!

How pathetic is that! Yes, my fickleness scares me from getting too close to things or people because I could either disappoint of be disappointed. Like I said, pathetic!

I decided to stop searching; I told myself my passion will catch up with me and find me.

It kinda did a couple of months ago, or so I thought anyway. It was helping people; helping people gave me a feeling of euphoria I enjoyed so very much. For a couple of days I could sleep better, my diet became healthier, and something about me was radiant, people couldn’t help but notice!

The Caller actually sent me text message saying I should do more work on the other blog because I am good at it; it made me post a couple of times before I went to my ridiculous state of hibernation! Yes, I admit it, I don’t know how to make that blog work, and given what happened next (or below), I was not ready for another disappointment!

So here is what happened next, I thought I should help people!! I contacted my shrink whom I knew started an NGO about creating awareness against violence and providing psychiatric help to those who had been traumatized. I told her I was willing to volunteer and take whatever courses and take a parapsychology degree so that I can do it professionally, no medications involved, just compassionate and professional help to those who seek it.

It was such a disappointment! I know my shrink could read this, and I hope she does because I never had the guts to tell her in the face how disappointed I was at the meeting I attended! It was only about raising money for a party that was supposed to help create awareness to the NGO. Mind you that the attendees who should buy the tickets, you know because of whom that specific singer was chosen (wa7ed aslant masme3tesh 3anno abl keda, but I blame my limited awareness of Arab singers), are upper class people who –according to the people in the meeting- only go there to see who got married and who is still man-hunting!! And don’t get me started of what I think about that! Anyway, all the talk was about sponsors and advertising and the tickets prices! No one mentioned the help we were supposed to give, not even for a few minutes on the side!

I know I know, I am too freakin’ utopian and I expect things to be in a certain way. I’ve heard it all before! Every time I remember how disappointed I felt I almost cry! I wanted to help people; I was thinking support groups and nonfinancial gain and there I was looking at people fighting over the best way to bag sponsors! If I wanted to do that, I would have worked in my field of studies, marketing! Oh well!

Don’t get me wrong, I am not an NGO kinda person; if anything I hate belonging to a bigger group where the goals and motives get confused with other things that have nothing to do with the cause! I inherited by dad’s cynicism unlike baby sis who still believes she can still do good even within a corrupt system. My good baby sister.

Today, it hit me. My passion for helping people is only the positive side of how I feel when I see people doing/accepting injustice! I can’t help but feel furious when I hear a story about someone hurting others with no regard to anything but their own interests and I get even madder when I see the victims accept their roles so submissively and endure the abuse and perhaps even invite some more!

I get so angry I wish I could turn into the Goddess of war and rage so that I can rip off the hearts of those who inflict pain! If any of the ancient mythologies were ever true, I would have loved to be Sakhment, Ishtar, Athena or Minerva who ironically also represent good things like health, wisdom and wealth!!

But who am I to mess with anger; all those myths tell how the Goddesses were blinded by their anger and ended up inflicting harm on everyone equally!! I guess I should just stop trying to think like a God and accept that only Allah swt has the key to all and that we’re all in a constant battle testing our strengths and beliefs!

My dad always tells me after bad disputes with my mother that I should stop behaving as if I were an equal and accept my role and live up to it. As right as I believe he is; I just don’t know how to accept my role if it subjects me to be wronged even if by my mother and even if unintentionally!

Deep breath in… aaaand out…

Maybe I should consider yoga like my sis! Oh crap, I don’t want to be around her anymore than I have to; Zen people get on my nerves. It’s beyond me how anyone can see the mess that happens all around and still be calm just makes me wanna hurt them or something, may they’d get as angry!! Yeah, it’s probably envy talking; I am not envious by nature but it seems that anger visits me bringing all its friends lately as a punishment for not letting it in enough, or perhaps locking it in that box! Kick boxing seems more fitting for me!

Anyway, back to the reason I started writing this…

Yes, I have a misplaced passion! Whoever taught me about right and wrong as a child screwed me for life because they didn’t explain that it’s not up to me to make everything right and that the universe does not answer to me, and that even wrong happens for a reason and hard as I might try, I will not always get it, not even often!

I am so darn angry right now I want to cry! That idiot talks about wanting to marry anyone we khalas as if other people’s lives have no regard as long as he gets his needs satisfied! How arrogant!! And the way he says “at least mesh ha3mel 7aga 7aram” makes me wanna kick him where it hurts!!! I keep yelling at myself “don’t argue, don’t argue; he’s aware you’re getting angry and he feeds on it, don’t argue” I would gladly hope he meets his match, the one who teaches him the cruelest of lessons only to balance his own cruelty, but I learned it will not just be about him suffering, more people will suffer, people I care about!

My only defense mechanism helped a bit! God bless heartless sarcasm! I gave him a bitter taste of it and then told him I had to go.

Only I found myself writing this post….

If any of my good friends called me to rant about something so mundane, I’d try to calm them and point out to them how ridiculous it is to get upset about the same thing all over again when they have absolutely no control over any of it! But here I am, unable to get so angry, so passionately angry I could hurt people!!

Darn!

Where is my art therapist when I need him! I can’t see him before next Sunday!!! And I can’t even just draw it out because my mom is spying on me, thinking she can look at the shit I draw and figure me out, or even worse make up silly remarks about me trying to be a painter! Either that or I am developing a severe case of paranoia!

Note to self:people can be really sick and twisted, including you! So stop whining, get over the shock and accept that there is nothing you can do to change it; you can barely change yourself! Etweksy!

What do you know, another incoherent rant!

11 comments:

Mohamed ElGohary said...

An internet friend of mine is a psychiatrist doing the same job in an NGO called ElNadeem

Here is the link

http://alnadeem.org/

If you are interested I can refer you to him and see if things work out. :)

And too bad Class A lifestyle magazines kind of activism got on your way, I really know how your feelings, but you try get over it inshaAllah. My email is on my Blogger profile.

insomniac said...

Mohamed,

THANK YOU very much, thank you thank you thank you :)


i will check them out, and once i clear my schedule from the obligations to which i'm committed with this NGO (i have editing work that i received shortly after i posted this!), i will contact you :)))

thanks to my good friend who promised to take me out to work, i might finish even before the weekend starts...

God bless you :)

enadaha said...

Inso,
sanya wa7da.
(Goog ya gamed :))

Inso,
wa7ed etweksy my way please :D
yet that's another story :D :D
(sa7betek lasa3et moot)

- I never told you this and I will never discuss it with you any further (i know i'm baykha)...i may have hinted it once...but, I can see your passion. if that counts for anything ya3ni...howa ghaleban 3asham enny just stated that :D

- ana elly mesh fahmah...eh gab saba7 elkheir l'om elsa3d??? you felt like helping people out, you were willing to gain more knowledge in that regards...why do it through a group aslan...whatever it was called??? why not just have a guide and you approach in the simplest forms and let it grow fluently??

- Does that idiot remind you of someone??? same approach different scenarios right??? tayeb...fakra the other idiot's final scene?? bossy, he really doesn't know that he's messing things up even more...begad habal...he has no idea how that line would affect someone like you...mesh affect bema3na cause something to u...i mean, he doesn't know how you'd find that repulsive...simply because in such cases idiots are..hmmm, IDIOTS!!!

P.S. I love you.
!!!

Anonymous said...

Try Rotary

insomniac said...

nadahty :)

mafeesh ashal kmen eny 2a2ool "etweksy" u know i have it copyrighted ;)

- i don't see how it's 3asham mennek that you said that, mesh fahma, but you know u can have more than 3asham; you're one of the few people whom i know won't abuse it :)

- i needed to do it through the group because i needed the motivation since you know how lazy i can be... i think i should do it the older way, our way!

- that idiot does not want to get a life away from me; even his attempts to get a life has to be rubbed in my face... walahy i know, pathetic and i should stop reacting, but it hurts my head that people can be so BLUKKHHHHH and shitty and inconsiderate... whatever happened to manners and decency! yes, he's hoping for a reaction out of me, but he has no idea how he's getting the wrong one! rabena 3al ghaby!

P.S. yalla ne ice-cream?

insomniac said...

Anon,

i hate saying that mostly because i do not know how many people might find it offensive, but here it goes...

Rotary people, they mostly do nothing! and btw, they were the target market of that party... sorry, sad SAD truth!

thanks for your attempt to help nonetheless :)

Shimaa Gamal said...

Political Party?
ana adkhol el segen wenty tesa3dy el nas ;)
deal?

Mohamed ElGohary said...

Rotary to me is a part of a conspiracy theory. I just hate them very much. The "apparent" activity reminds me of the National Assembly for Women, sucks big time.

Ma 3lina said...

I am really happy to read this post coz I once wrote about lack of passion in my life and how that really depresses me coz b4 I used to be passionate about some stuff including blogging but now I huv nothing and I feel miserable.

The difficult part like u huv said to find it coz no one can help u in ur search for it.

God helps us both :))

insomniac said...

Shimaa,

mesh fahmaki awy! bas i am not into politics and i don't talk about my political affiliations khales... maly we mal political parties?


Mohamed,

like i said, i am not much of assembly person mostly because i was raised to not believe in their integrity! sad, but it's actually sadder because there's truth to it!


ma 3lina,

sada2eeny at this poin i think lack of passion is much better than the misplaced passion i am suffering from!

what can i say, ma7adesh 3agbo 7aloh!

Shimaa Gamal said...

Ya Inso el mafrod tefhameeny 3ala el tayer :)))
I am looking for a passion myself, fa I thought of sharing one of the ideas elly gat fi dema3'y. A political party :)
mesh shart tekoony into politics, maho el 3'arad mn el passion hunting enek to explore new horizons :)