I just can’t take it anymore…

I’m writing this in the midst of angry tears and my almost two year old son sitting right next to me patting my shoulder after he saw me totally losing it until my voice got scratchy.

The only reason I am writing this right now in this very mood is that I want it all out of my system so that I can go by my day without anymore resentment.

What’s so bad with getting a divorce?! I have covered all the cons and I think I can live with them more than I can do with being married to him. I think this is what divorce was made for anyway; because it is better than a resentful marriage where I will always see his betrayal right there in his eyes every time he looks at me… every time he says the L word I will just feel sick and head to the washroom, I know it… it just turns my stomach.

All I can remember is the time he would just hurt my feelings with his senseless words to cover up for his own feelings of guilt when we have eye contact and he sees the i-know-ur-having-an-affair-so-just-come-clean-and-get-it-over-with look. All the times he heard me cry and instead of letting me be, he would start a fight only to make sure there are more scars, and then hold me and start saying his cheap ass sorrys.

How can I go on in a marriage where I feel nothing towards him but contempt, distrust and disrespect!! This is not right, I was raised where it’s mandatory for a woman to respect her husband and to trust him enough in order to be able to be obedient or whatever; I just can’t do it anymore. I am sorry I just can’t (I am not really sorry).

I know I was once in love with him, I know I once put him first. I just don’t think he’s worth it; I even have my doubts he ever did, I just don’t wanna dwell on that since it won’t change much right now. Be it a mistake or things have just changed, it’s time to end it at least to do some damage control.

I saw him the other day, he tried to find that love in my eyes, he just saw dismay… the same dismay I saw when I confronted him… I don’t care if he once cried to me to forgive him, it doesn’t mean anything anymore; after all he knew I don’t forgive easily and he knew the wound he cut went deep enough to the bone.

Now my dad’s argument is that I should not be the one asking for a divorce because it would make me responsible for whatever consequences my children will probably suffer from. I think it’s a load of bull. I think my dad hates the label and dreads it to an unhealthy extreme. I know he cares about what people think and thinks I would not be able to handle the gossip and neither would my children. I wish to tell him that I’ve stopped caring what people think long ago, I wish he would do it, it’s liberating. As for my kids, I don’t think growing up to see me in constant agony over having to deal with a man I can no longer stand the sight of is a healthy thing either. I will do my best to speak well of him, try to remember anything good to share with them. They will see him as often as he would like (even though I don’t like it much). I think their chances of being balanced are better off that way; away from the environment my own husband grew in where he was brought up to believe he can do anything just because of the Y chromosome (that’s the nicest way I could put it).

Now his aunt calls my mom and tells her to talk some sense into me (ME) cause if I don’t go back home, he’ll remarry and have whoever he marries impose her rules on how much cash my kids would get we hayetla3o men el mooled bala 7ommos. Seriously!! Like I care! I don’t want anything from him; as a matter of fact, let him remarry, may be he will realize that it was him all along, not me!! As for the cash, do they actually think it’s a good reason to remain in a marriage?? Well, not for me. I say if that’s the man they have for a father, then it’s best they live without him and his cash.

And finally, I did give him one last chance, which he blew big time. Can’t say I was disappointed he did, I was thankful he did because it was too consuming for me; it literally absorbed my ability to be a happy and content person. I am glad I can look myself in the mirror and say I have done my best. Why can’t they just let me have that? uffff

Now really, when does a marriage end?? Do I have enough legitimate reasons? Is there anything to go back to when you reach the point I did? I am curious to know what other people think; however, excuse me I will end up doing what I think is right, since it’s me who deals with all the consequences after all.

p.s. if any cousins stumble on that post and actually recognize it’s me… don’t call me up and ask how that happened or why I never talked about it, because the reasons are quite obvious: marriage problems and divorce are a taboo in this godforsaken country.