August 31, 2007

I just can’t take it anymore…

I’m writing this in the midst of angry tears and my almost two year old son sitting right next to me patting my shoulder after he saw me totally losing it until my voice got scratchy.

The only reason I am writing this right now in this very mood is that I want it all out of my system so that I can go by my day without anymore resentment.

What’s so bad with getting a divorce?! I have covered all the cons and I think I can live with them more than I can do with being married to him. I think this is what divorce was made for anyway; because it is better than a resentful marriage where I will always see his betrayal right there in his eyes every time he looks at me… every time he says the L word I will just feel sick and head to the washroom, I know it… it just turns my stomach.

All I can remember is the time he would just hurt my feelings with his senseless words to cover up for his own feelings of guilt when we have eye contact and he sees the i-know-ur-having-an-affair-so-just-come-clean-and-get-it-over-with look. All the times he heard me cry and instead of letting me be, he would start a fight only to make sure there are more scars, and then hold me and start saying his cheap ass sorrys.

How can I go on in a marriage where I feel nothing towards him but contempt, distrust and disrespect!! This is not right, I was raised where it’s mandatory for a woman to respect her husband and to trust him enough in order to be able to be obedient or whatever; I just can’t do it anymore. I am sorry I just can’t (I am not really sorry).

I know I was once in love with him, I know I once put him first. I just don’t think he’s worth it; I even have my doubts he ever did, I just don’t wanna dwell on that since it won’t change much right now. Be it a mistake or things have just changed, it’s time to end it at least to do some damage control.

I saw him the other day, he tried to find that love in my eyes, he just saw dismay… the same dismay I saw when I confronted him… I don’t care if he once cried to me to forgive him, it doesn’t mean anything anymore; after all he knew I don’t forgive easily and he knew the wound he cut went deep enough to the bone.

Now my dad’s argument is that I should not be the one asking for a divorce because it would make me responsible for whatever consequences my children will probably suffer from. I think it’s a load of bull. I think my dad hates the label and dreads it to an unhealthy extreme. I know he cares about what people think and thinks I would not be able to handle the gossip and neither would my children. I wish to tell him that I’ve stopped caring what people think long ago, I wish he would do it, it’s liberating. As for my kids, I don’t think growing up to see me in constant agony over having to deal with a man I can no longer stand the sight of is a healthy thing either. I will do my best to speak well of him, try to remember anything good to share with them. They will see him as often as he would like (even though I don’t like it much). I think their chances of being balanced are better off that way; away from the environment my own husband grew in where he was brought up to believe he can do anything just because of the Y chromosome (that’s the nicest way I could put it).

Now his aunt calls my mom and tells her to talk some sense into me (ME) cause if I don’t go back home, he’ll remarry and have whoever he marries impose her rules on how much cash my kids would get we hayetla3o men el mooled bala 7ommos. Seriously!! Like I care! I don’t want anything from him; as a matter of fact, let him remarry, may be he will realize that it was him all along, not me!! As for the cash, do they actually think it’s a good reason to remain in a marriage?? Well, not for me. I say if that’s the man they have for a father, then it’s best they live without him and his cash.

And finally, I did give him one last chance, which he blew big time. Can’t say I was disappointed he did, I was thankful he did because it was too consuming for me; it literally absorbed my ability to be a happy and content person. I am glad I can look myself in the mirror and say I have done my best. Why can’t they just let me have that? uffff

Now really, when does a marriage end?? Do I have enough legitimate reasons? Is there anything to go back to when you reach the point I did? I am curious to know what other people think; however, excuse me I will end up doing what I think is right, since it’s me who deals with all the consequences after all.

p.s. if any cousins stumble on that post and actually recognize it’s me… don’t call me up and ask how that happened or why I never talked about it, because the reasons are quite obvious: marriage problems and divorce are a taboo in this godforsaken country.



19 comments:

ZeRoCoOl said...

If it's any consolation my sister is HAPPILY divorced with a 2 1/2 year old son. And now she's stronger than ever a business woman grabbing the world by the ehm ehm.....he was a collage sweet heart but the sweetness faded very fast and only the bitter after taste was left. She live 5 years in purgatory until she made the decision of her life......BE STRONG and listen to your heart and no one else.

insomniac said...

thank you very much for the uplifting words Z, i never thought divorce was a bad thing when marriage turns that bitter... but they always said i had radical thoughts :)

i think i will pass your words to my dad so that he'd stop worrying... it hurts a lot to see him worry that way... he believes it would break me, and i'm afraid his thoughts and fears would break him....

well, the upside of it all is that i could find my strength, so i will hold on to it :)

Jade said...

Insomniac,

I do understand how unbearably difficult it is to make this decision.. & I do not know if this will be of any consolidation to you or not sighting my posts & dirty confessions so I cant really say I am a great person... But what I wanted to tell you is that I grew up in a broken home... dad cheated on mom & she ended it. She remarried & she was brave enough to never bad mouth him in front of us.

She could have revenged in many ways & it is amazing how she had such strength because believe me, what she could have done could have destroyed my dad's life... but she didnt for us.

Now me & my brother are grown adults, we are both very successful in what we do & we were always straight A students (yes I was a nerd!) we never rebelled by getting hooked on drugs or becoming alcoholics or any of the things that the society implies will happen to the children of a failed marriage... on the contrary - we love our parents very much & I am the best friend of both of them... & that is all because of one thing & one thing only:

Our mother (who is really the pivital part of the children's characters) stood strong, resumed her life, made herself a beautiful home, never bad mouthed our father & always explained to us that people fall out of Love & that doesnt mean that he is a bad father, she believed in life & in her late forties remarried & now she is happy & so are we.

I think if she had stayed though, with all the distrust & the resentment & the fights, we would have been way harmed...

Follow your instincts, I am not telling you that divorce is the right thing, or the wrong thing - only you can make that decision... but maybe taking a step back & having an initial separation could be your key to finding out your own strengths & how he will react towards your children... If he decides to go & remarry - then you know you werent in the wrong to want a divorce in the first place.

Pray a lot... pray a hell of a lot for God to show you the signs & show you the way... & lastly do not make any decisions when you are angry.

I hope you He lights your way...

Good Luck...
J

Adrasteia said...

habibty you're following your heart. that's all that matters :)

it's better for your kids and it's better for the world.

i have the same problem with immediate and extended family just being completely out of touch-- don't let them for a second make you believe you've got radical thoughts

radical is such a harsh word and the softness of this post is anything but radical--it's home

home is where the love is :)

i dont have a happily divorced story for you but i have an unhappily married 22 years later story.

everyday since i was 13 years old i've wanted my parents to get divorced-- i've suffered from clinical depression, my sister suffers from panic attacks and my brother is anti-social and has incredibly low self worth

you're an amazing person for not letting it progress to the situation my parents are in now--

you're a truth seeker, and that's one of the most difficult things for people to handle. you should take comfort in their lack of support-- i mean i'd be worried if somebody willing to have a sugardaddy for a husband thought i was doing the right thing :)

lots of love and online support from me

Anonymous said...

feel free to delete that!

ok, so you're right almost about everything ,
but about the agony, i'm sorry its just part of who you are and where you come from ,
what about the kids being raised with all the anger? the drama, the yelling, its not about whats better for the kids, they're screwed anyway, am sorry , but its just ur heritage.

and yes fight for ur divorce, just be a little less dramatic ..also for the kids

insomniac said...

jade, u see, that's what i am hoping for, to be as strong as ur mom, and well as appreciated (yeah, i have some serious ego issues)... as for praying, it's basically how i started finding my peace :))

adrasteia, thanks so much for the warm comment, really touched (u can be warm, or so i would like to think)...

anon, first of all, i won't delete it.. second of all, i kinda know who u are, since u mentioned the drama.. well, since u know my heritage, u know i come from a long line of angry women... i am embracing it... but i believe that once it's all over and i get my closure things will get a tad better... i know u don't believe so, and i know u wouldn't admit it even if it hit u in the face :)) and for the love of God, stop judging me :))

Cairene said...

Adrasteia DOES have a happily divorced story, she just forgot to tell it!

My parents have been divorced since I was 5. My brother was 14. My mother was depressed even before they got divorced. She comes from a family of depressed and angry women, actually.

Even though I was 5, I do remember quite clearly the details of things happening. When my mother and my father were married, I was quite a disturbed kid, actually. I lied a lot, I stole so many things. I still remember! They didn't fight in front of us, of course, but you could tell that they're not on well, and it made me really angry and sad.

After they got divorced, my mother cried rivers. She cried for three years. She took a lot of medication and she ate, studied and made sure I was doing my homework well between long sessions of weeping that I attended! It was like *mom crying with a passing-out position, tissues on the table, me sitting next to her doing my homework* and then she lifts her head "Are you doing your homework well? Are you having any troubles?" "No, mom, I'm fine" and that's the second she goes back to crying.

Those were tough years, but they were still better than the time mom cried and dad was there!!!!

Dad got remarried 3 months after the divorce, he is still married to that woman. I managed to deal with his wife and actually befriend her.

My mom got remarried two years ago and she's happily married now.

The divorce was not the happiest thing that ever happened to me, or them, but actually, from a divorce child's point of view: divorce is better than distant living-together parents. So, the children are not the reason why you should stay with your husband.

And for who you are, and what you feel, whoever the hell anonymous is, if he'd seen my mother back then he would have said she was psycho. The truth is, how can you rid yourself of depression that runs in the family if you're in such an unhappy marriage?

N said...

get out, get out, GET OUT

insomniac said...

cairene, i know for sure staying in the marriage would have nothing but negative impact on both of my kids... let's face it, the only way i can get over all the crap i feel is by keeping my distance, at this point thinking about him makes my stomache turn... i need distance and closure.... and i really want to move on, focus more on my kids and my career...

N, i AM TRYING... for some reason i thought it would be easier once i say it out loud, it keeps getting complicated!!!!!!

The phoenix said...

Hii insomniac,

My very very very humble which is based on my opinion is to hold on a little .. Days can change him.. u may say that i am an optimistic and u tried that before .. but believe me for sure he will realize the responsibility so soon .. try to sit and talk to him seriously plz aside all the pride away and talk logically .. For sure u want ur sons to be brought up in a natural healthy environment between the hugs of his father and mother ....

last petition: Try to clear ur mind and then make a verdict


maybe my words seem cheesy but I hate destruction of beautiful things

The phoenix said...

my very humble opinion which is based on my little experience*********************

insomniac said...

dear phoenix, (oh this will be long:))

two years of holding on caused some serious damage in our relationship!! no, this was not the first time, this was only the more damaging one i guess...

when he first came clean and apologized (around a couple of months ago), i broke down and cried because i didn't wanna be right... in an attempt to conquer my fears and my resentments, i told him i'd forgive him and try to work things again...

next day he takes me to a cafe where he knew i'd see her to give me a false victory!! i make it real by holding on to who i am and not getting into a meaningless cat fight...

the very next day, he takes away his apology and says he did nothing wrong and that it was all me; moreover he says all kinds of crap about taking my older son away from me!! i remember crashing in my dad's arms sobbing hysterically and saying meaningless words!!

then he calls again a few days later apologizing and saying that it was "sa3et shetan" (i really think ennena benezlem el shetan awy ma3ana)... i actually made an istikhara that i would overlook things and give it another try... my dad didn't like the idea and said i shouldn't compromise as long as he wouldn't appreciate it, but said he couldn't tell me not to...

it was the worst i've ever felt!! i felt constant nausea and urges to throw up (although i have a very very stable stomach)... i wanted to cry all the time and felt totally depressed... yet i kept it to myself (i think that was plain self abuse really)... somehow he blew it and suddenly we're talking divorce!!

he keeps changing his mind about that, not because of me, not because of the kids... only because he hates losing and this time he loses what every good friend tells him the best thing that ever happened to him... he's afraid of what's next...

as for me, i lost him when i first found out and it took me two years to have my five stages of grief (though i lingered in anger)... somethings just cannot be restored once they're gone; like trust, respect and that sense of security... i didn't even mention love, because i realize that comes and goes :))

i didn't have to explain any of that, but it felt good to let it out... more negative stuff out of my system :))

Anonymous said...

When a woman stop respecting her husband then it's over...I think he was the one who chose this not u...coz it's his fault not urs and u don't have to deal with it espically when he gives excuses to his behaviour...

u seem strong and u'll do better without him....wish ya best of luck

insomniac said...

thank you anon, thank u very much :))))

Fadfadation said...

"I will always see his betrayal right there in his eyes every time he looks at me… every time he says the L word I will just feel sick and head to the washroom, I know it… it just turns my stomach."

yaaaah ya Inso, when i read this i felt awful.

As a man, i say sorry. mish 3aref leeh...bas this made me want to say that :(

"Now his aunt calls my mom and tells her to talk some sense into me (ME) cause if I don’t go back home"

EL naas itganent wade7!
There is nothing wrong being a motalaka. It is within our Shar3. And if people havea problem with it, then just say: "God created Divorce for such situation. It was not created for the fun of it."

On another not,

Did you get the divorce or not yet?
mish asdy ab2a 7eshary...but anyone who reads what you say will feel..."Hell this girl needs out!"

insomniac said...

fad, it is extremely sweet of you to actually apologize for something u have nothing to do with, it kinda restores my faith that there are some good men out there (well, i don't think i really lost my faith in that though)...

I hope u and all the good ppl out there never feel that way... deep down i hope he feels the same way he made me feel for the rest of his life (what can i say, i am not in my greatest moods today)...

i say this with all respects, and with sincere apologies to the mad kaman: mahomma aslan maganeen... elly yefahem wa7ed eno madam el ragel we madam beyesref 3ala el beet men 7a2o ye3mel elly 3ayzo mayeb2ash bany adam saleem... bas mesh magnoon, walahy mad ppl have more common sense....

I have done too many research to know when divorce is due in Islam and when it is just wa7da betedala3 like my dad used to say... i deserve one for the love of God!!

and no, i didn't get it yet!!! u'd be surprized that he who did all in his potential to make me feel like chemical waste is now asking i would go to 'beet el ta3a'... so it's taking ugly turns and probably more time than i thought it would... Rabina yehdy.. we yegazy (i am allowing myself to be angry for the day)

i am out khalas alhamdulilah though, divorce or not, i know i am over him and i know he has no more control over my life... all i owe him so far is to behave as if i am still married to him, we da 3ashan 7a2 rabina mesh 3ashano...

thanks for taking the comment to read through my blog btw :)

Fadfadation said...

now asking i would go to 'beet el ta3a'

One thing to ask him:
"
You betray her and now you want to humilate her through beet al ta3a?!

have you never heard what God said:

وَلا تُضَارُّوهُنَّ لِتُضَيِّقُوا عَلَيْهِنَّ

and

فَأَمْسِكُوهُنَّ بِمَعْرُوفٍ أَوْ سَرِّحُوهُنَّ بِمَعْرُوفٍ وَلا تُمْسِكُوهُنَّ ضِرَارًا لِتَعْتَدُوا وَمَنْ يَفْعَلْ ذَلِكَ فَقَدْ ظَلَمَ نَفْسَهُ

Remember ya Inso, your reward for going through this and staying close to God will be huge.

God bless you and give you patience.

I feel so bad,i feel all this is very shameful...DAMN!

Alhoma Ajerkha fy mosebatha, waa a7'lofha 7'ayran minha...ameen

insomniac said...

you what the sad part is... he'd actually quote from quran and provide his own twisted explanation... it is sooo annoying, it did however do me some good since i had to double check for myself and got closer to my faith!

taba3an taba3an, every time i replied saying the proper text book explanation and applying it to our situation he would just snap and do something more foolish!! this is why i've been told men hate smart women (e7em)... i guess they meant that men (or just him, won't generalize) hate it when their wives prove them wrong with logic and reason :)

Thanks a lot for your kind words and your du'aa... Amen :)

Fadfadation said...

thinking of it. Men if they are cornered by their wives and they wives outsmart them and prove them wrong.

We do tend to have an ego crisis :(

lol

The words is the least one can do. Keep the faith :)