May 31, 2009
A year ago, I wished for something extraordinary for my birthday.
Throughout the year, I had one constant wish; get my divorce before I turn 28.
That was the gift May (the month) promised, and that’s the gift it delivered after too much anticipation. I am no longer his wife. Although I have not been his wife all through the past two years, it feels good to know that no law binds me to him anymore.
May also threw in another gift, my best friend D is back to Egypt for good. I can still remember August 2007 when I was crying my heart out because she was moving there for two years. It’s funny how I can almost cry again at the thought of her leaving me alone in the midst of all my drama; makes me twice as grateful that she’s back. Of course she’s still jet-lagging her brains off, but we have all the time to catch up.
For the first time in a long time I have no great wishes for my birthday, only small material ones like a pair of shoes I liked or some accessories I am too broke to spare money buying after my last online shopping spree (yes hints for my sisters)!
Otherwise, I am thankful that way!! I have no wish for ultimate happiness because I would like to believe that I have it in me to see the little happiness-es that come my way and help me through crappy days, and I am old enough to realize it counts for a lot more than a grand happiness disappearing due to a horrible tragedy.
So June, you can come peacefully without any promises of things getting better. Oh ok, promise me I won’t look 28, and neither will I look 30 in two years :)
I am still trying to figure out how I will spend tomorrow, I’m contemplating taking the day off and doing all sorts of things that randomly come to mind. I wish I could see all my friends at the same time, but my friends are too diverse to gather in one place and have fun, so I will just make myself time with each at a time... it's actually good because this way I get to expand my birthday to more than just one day ;)
Tomorrow I turn 28, and I have enough good things in my life that make up for the not so good ones!
This year, no birthday blues for a change :)
May 30, 2009
Listening to Nina Simone’s strong deep blue voice, I lay in bed as I try to recall the day and figure out what it was that got to me that way.
So what? I spent yet another day unable to avoid him as we took the boys to the pool. As usual, he tried to say and do all the things that he knows get under my skin and I pretended not to be bothered as I shot back my share of insults at his character. Pretty much an average Friday out with him!
I am grateful to how he keeps ensuring me that I made the right decision choosing to leave him, but I wish I never had to see him again and I honestly wish my kids didn’t need a father. I feel like I did something horrible bringing them into this world with such a person, he doesn’t deserve them or the way they love him! Touché!
I keep remembering everything trying to point my finger at what shook me so hard…
We drove by so many places that held not so pleasant memories; it made me more receptive to his attempts to ruin my mood. Or was it the other way around; perhaps he he said or did something that made me receptive to remembering all those bad memories!
He was mean to her on the phone. I don’t feel the least bit sorry for her. He said he was into someone else now, someone new! It made him see how he doesn’t want to be with her.
He made me hear him talk to her as he implied those meanings so bluntly and so coldly… and I remembered. I remembered the resemblance between the way he talked to her and the way he talked to me, I remembered.
I didn’t feel sorry for her, but I felt sorry for me, all over again! And I hated the way I felt back then, and I hate it now twice as much.
Later, on our way home he said he was not in love with the new one. He said he was drawn to her because she was “angelic” and that he knew she’d make a good wife. He said he knew he wouldn’t have her outside of a marriage. It sounded familiar.
I found myself those words when he asked me what I thought of it all “you don’t deserve angelic, if she is really as good as you say, then I hope she sees you for who you are soon enough, lest you will only ruin her chances of having a good life with someone who actually deserves her… otherwise, I just hope she’s like you”
Yeah that’s probably it; he ruined my chances as well as my kids’.
I wish him no happiness and no peace for he simply denied me mine.
May 27, 2009
A couple of days ago, I posted that there were certain thing I was looking forward to and things I wished for among the Eight Tag. Little did I know that I would get some of those on the same day!!
Behold people, some joy for a change…
I took a day off, which would pretty much count as a vacation from everything. The fact that it was one day made it easier to dodge my mommy responsibilities for a while since the boys are ususally at the nursery during my working hours.
I met with Rasha, had coffee and breakfast, a few hours later, we went to the pool and spent the rest of the working day.
The hours just flew! Yet, I am grateful for every single minute…
Grateful for the time off from my daily routine…
Grateful for the early walk…
Grateful for the breeze brushing my hair and for actually releasing those curls where there was sun and air!
Grateful for Turkish coffee that helped me up all through the day…
Grateful for the tan (and I am so willing to go for more)
But most of all, grateful for the amazing company! Rasha, you ROCK!
Aaaaaand, today my car got some maintenance while I was getting mine :)
We kaman, my physiotherapist said my back was MUCH better alhamdulilah, and he actually seemed to mean it; he said it without that cynical indifferent tone of his! He said I should do more walking and go for swimming!!
Oh oh oh, and I think soon enough I will get to the whole hair-coloring thing, Rasha helped me decide on the color!
May is wrapping up nicely and sending me off to my birthday with a smile :)
I know it’s greedy, but I can’t help but hope for a good dream as I go off to bed in a while… we 3ala ra2y B “elly yela2y dala3 wala yeddala3sh….”
Anyway, sweet dreams or not, I am grateful… الحمد لله
May 24, 2009
That happened around three weeks ago, and it popped into my mind today as I was driving to work. I just had to rant about it before it festered and gave me emotional poison!
“you know them, you know how they think 7egab is bee2a” said by my good friend of 16 years!
She’s been married for a while now, her husband is more on the religious side than her mother’s family; he had asked her not to wear swimwear where men could see her and not have her hair cut by men. He also said he’d love it if she gets veiled but he’d never really ask her to do it because it’s her decision.
She started dressing rather modestly; no more shorts or sleeveless tops to put his mind at ease. Her mom noticed how she’s been dressing up so differently and told her point black “enty mesh hatet7ageby, mayenfa3sh, ana olt mesh hatet7ageby”.
She was telling me how she wants to get veiled to please her husband and to stop her family from asking why she no longer swims when they go to the beach, but she’s dreading their reaction because they think veil is not classy!!
It actually felt a slap to my face in so many ways! Not from my friend, I know where she stands from veil; I know she respects it but just doesn’t think she’s ready to wear it. She’s one of the most tolerant people I’ve known and most of our mutual friends are veiled… hell, I am veiled and I know she proudly refers to me as her best friend.
I just resented her family twice as much as I already did. Those people have been pressuring her into a life style she was never able to keep up with because they view everything religious as “bee2a”! I am not saying they’re ill mannered or generally unethical; all I am saying is that the only way they’d positively judge a “religious” group of people would be if they were filthy rich, but in a classy way, whatever that’s supposed to mean!!
I’ve always known her mom never liked me because she first heard of me when I had gotten veiled; you see, tant lived away from my friend to make the money which she keeps bringing up whenever they quarrel, so she never had the chance to know about her school friends!
Yes, I am being judgmental because that woman had done nothing to make her daughter’s life easier except send money and then rub it in her face!! Yes, I am being judgmental of that same classy woman who kicked her own daughter more than once for the most trivial of reasons! The woman didn’t even see that my bee2a veil had never influenced her kid in anyway, that her daughter and I manage to go out together and have fun despite how different our attire is! How shallow can one be?!
And don’t get me started on her brother! I’ve stumbled on the guy so many times and he never recognized me, not that I'd stop and say hi! To him, I am invisible. Of course I didn’t make it easier for him to recognize me because my defense mechanism had picked up on his prejudice and I ignored him back twice as much.
The same guy –to whom people refer as sociable and friendly- had small talk with the x when he met him in a business presentation because the x drives an expensive car and does the “classy guy” talk (Rasha, please try to not throw up!). When he told him he was Inso’s husband, the guy sat there trying to put a face next to the name and he couldn’t until the x said “your sister's best friend”, and I bet even then he didn't remember my face. I asked my friend if her bro had actually met the x and she laughed and said “you know my bro, he’d talk to an ass wearing a brand and driving an expensive car - he is sort of the ass who wears a brand name and drives an expensive car, only he’s my brother and I love him, and of course if he was trying to land a deal with your ass of an x, he’d be even nicer!”
Now, I am not judging people who do not practice religion; I am not the best practice-r by any means, I don’t even consider myself religious enough. What’s pissing me off is the ignorance and the prejudice over something that’s supposedly no one’s business! I’ve known people who live in the least “religious” ways, yet somehow have it in them to respect those who practice their faiths! I know of atheists who remind their religious friends of prayers! It’s called tolerance!
And for whatever it’s worth, I resent the idea that hegab is in anyway not classy! I mean, I believe I dress nicely, and I am very particular about how my scarves match what I wear not just color-wise, but also style-wise and fabric-wise! When H got veiled and people asked her why she did it, she said “I always thought of wearing it, but I was held back by the thought that it would be hard to dress as nicely once I get veiled, but seeing who Inso does it so easily, it made me feel silly for ever thinking that way”
I won’t say that all my friends do not wear hegab, but I will sure as hell say that I have friends who do not wear it whom I love and respect for who they are, not what they choose or do not choose to wear!! We like/dislike people based on their personalities and how they treat us, it is that simple, and why do people insist on complicating it?!
And again, it is always those people; the ones who are always speaking religion, or those who are always blabbering about liberalism! AGAIN, you guys suck!
And to my dearest friend, do not wear hegab just yet; I think you should only wear it when you’re not worried about any reactions be it the happy husband or the mad mother, brother and aunt! Either way, you’re a beautiful person who makes my world a much better place and that will not change.
Too many people tagged me, and I just can’t ignore it anymore!
My answers are random and in no specific order.
Knock yourselves out!
Things I’m looking forward to…
1- A vacation… not just from work, but also from all my responsibilities
2- A recovery from my disc… I can almost hear my physiotherapist’s laugh!
3- D’s return to Egypt… should have put that one first since it’s the soonest and most likely to happen :)
4- Re-decorating my room… I still haven’t gotten to that, ya mossahel!
5- The raise I was promised at work… R said it was expected by June; however, I am not sure if it really happened or it was one of my work-related dreams!
6- Meeting with some of the gals from my old work… they’re shaken up about my divorce!
7- More friends visiting from the states, and my friend from Canada…
8- Enrolling my Beem in sport/music classes or both!
Things I did yesterday
1- Took the kids to the pool with their dad… my mocha is such a kitten!
2- Held myself back from swearing at the x for bringing tanning oil instead of sunscreen for the boys!
3- Had to endure his singing along with Esseily’s new CD (what is that load of crap btw?)
4- Finally told him to stop having small talk that involved his girlfriends and acquaintances…
5- Talked to a friend… (or was that the day before??!)
6- Met with a friend… who actually made it early, luckily so did I!
7- Ate yoghurt with coconut… that’s actually something since I hate milk and I’m not a big fan of yoghurt!
8- Felt sleepy all of a sudden to the extent that I asked baby sis to come tuck me in, switch on the a/c, switch off the lights, and close the door because I could barely get out of bed!
Things I wish I could do
1- Feel fresh air brushing through my hair…
2- Travel to Turkey and Lebanon for a week and do things my way…
3- Have my own personal time to do what I want without ignoring my kids… perhaps when they grow up a bit
4- See those I love who are no longer there… I would settle for dreaming of them
5- Have the guts to color my hair!
6- Stop stress-eating
7- Walk on daily basis
8- (there is something I had in mind and I know it was BIG, only I can’t remember it! Barakatak yally fe baly!)
Shows I watch
1- Grey’s Anatomy… I HATED their season finale, makanetsh talbaha ghamm!
2- Private Practice… I don’t even want to comment on the last episode I’ve watched!
3- Frasier… I’m in S08 now and enjoying :)
4- Dirty Sexy Money… Anyone knows if there will be a S03 and when??
5- Everybody Loves Raymond… Just downloaded all eight seasons and plan on watching them once I’m done with Frasier
6- Sex and the City… I am contemplating downloading the seasons I never watched and catch up, just not sure if I want to!
7- Scrubs… I finished all eight seasons :)
8- I think that was too much TV already!
Things I like
1- Flowers… cliché I know, but I can’t help it
2- Jazz… nothing is as uplifting!
3- Hanging out with friends… best mood booster ever!
4- My boys when they’re quiet and cuddly… they’re just amazingly cute!
5- The scent of vanilla and that of Turkish coffee… that’s basically why I always have vanilla splash in my purse and must have Turkish coffee at least once a day!
6- Horses… I just can’t get over how beautiful those creatures are!
7- Movies about previous centuries, of course given that they are good productions and acting!
8- Profiterole… we ba7ebek aw ya rasha for getting me some akher marra!
Things I dislike (I decided to add that one instead of tagging eight people since everyone is being tagged... AND I had the urge to share the things I dislike that kept coming to mind while doing the tag)
1- Going to doctors’… I really like my physiotherapist but I still hate going
2- Yelling at my kids… I do that a lot recently!
3- The scent of pesticides… mama rashet 3ashan el naml!
4- Ignorance and lack of responsibility… I just came from the club and people are just… frustrating!
5- Police officers, and specifically the high-ranked pieces of shit who stand in the streets and terrorize people, 2al eh beynazamo el moroor! *insert sheteema*
6- Being asked to do favors… I believe I should do things because I feel like it, not because someone asks me!
7- Standing in lines… and I just hate when someone tries to stand in front of me, I become a complete b****
8- Family obligations… keyword “obligations” not “family”!
We kol tag wento tayebein!
May 20, 2009
This post might make me seem heartless and cruel. Speaking about death usually makes me sound heartless and cruel, but it could have to do with my upbringing and how somehow I learned in the process that death is something we don’t talk about, it is something we should rather learn to deal with and accept, eventually. I understand it is only true as far as I am concerned and that it does not apply to other people.
Some relatively long time ago, when my nana died (Allah yer7amha), I didn’t cry because I thought it was better for her to pass away rather than live an non-dignifying life with the paralysis that left her unable to move or speak or even recognize any of us at some point. She was a strong woman who deserved to die with her pride and dignity intact, or so I believed.
Around a year after her death, my uncle (who had just turned rather a bit more religious) was talking to me about someone’s death, I don’t remember who exactly, but I remember saying that a short death is much better than a prolonged one. My uncle argued that the prolonged death is sometimes better for the person because it’s a way for them to repent and pray for Allah swt, as well as it is for those around them to earn thawab for taking care of them. He said I was blinded by my pride and life-related calculations, while the bigger picture is about humility, thawab and takfeer zonoob!
That was when I mourned my late nana (Allah yer7amha). That was when I kept praying that the suffering before her death was counted for more thawab and that all her zonoob were repented already. That was when I found myself wishing she had more humiliation in life for the sake of a better eternity. Oh well.
Still until now, death baffles me. it shocks me beyond my ability to cry and it paralyses my tongue from saying the right prayers for the people I know are dear to my heart.
Uncle A died around three years ago, I cried from the shock even though I knew he was terribly sick. I cried his loss; that such a good person was taken from such a horrible life leaving it one good person less, until I went to his wake. Seeing how strong his family was holding up, seeing how peaceful things were where he had once been, it made the peace seep through my soul. And later, I had a very good dream of him, a dream that meant a lot as my mom told me later. May he rest in peace.
Last month when Dr. Magdi died, I was shaken so hard. It was probably the shock of losing him so suddenly and unexpectedly, especially at a time when I relied on him to feel better about all that was going wrong in my life. I cried so hard -to my own surprise- over someone whom I barely knew, yet had such a positive impact on my life. I didn’t want to stop crying over him because it was the only way I could hold on to his memory; until I realized that I had special memories of him to hold on to, things I needed to remember for my own well being. And so I let him go with my prayers.
Two days ago when S passed away, it was another anticipated tragedy. She was badly sick and I knew she was dying after 5 years of fighting cancer that kept re-attacking more viciously one time after the other. I tried to use my previously learned lesson about death to not collapse or cry, I tried to find the right prayers for her, but I just couldn’t. Tears just fell silently without any control when I pictured her walking around us like she always did, right there while I was at her wake. I kept murmuring “Allah yer7amha” and I kept thinking of how amazing she was, and it made me smile even through the tears. Her strength will be missed, but her beautiful spirit will always be there in my head reminding me of all the things she used to tell me.
It could be that I lost a few good people whom I mourn on daily basis as little things in life remind me of them or when their memory just lingers in my heart. But hearing about the president’s grandson dying didn’t get to me at first. It may make me seem heartless like I mentioned, but when you had just lost an idol to death, hearing that someone you simply do not like had lost someone dear to him doesn’t touch you, you find your angry self (at death, life and all the people in it) murmuring “so what, people lose loved ones every day and they hurt and ache and their lives are forever scarred that way”.
No, I didn’t instantly feel any sympathy because in my head that man never had any sympathy for the pain people go through on daily basis; pain I can almost taste when I deal with people until I forget about it once I go by with my own daily concerns. Not to mention the agony and fear caused by the injustice and abuse that you hear of happening to othe people and thank God on daily basis that it is not yet your turn to be that kind of victim and fear the day when you will be.
Until I saw the photo, a family photo one of my FB friends posted with the little kid, the father, the uncle, and the grandparents. It completely changed how my heart felt and I instantly found myself aching. I couldn’t see people I didn’t know or care for; I saw my own son, and my parents surrounding him with their happy faces and I felt my heart clenching had it been my boy who was taken.
And that is compassion, the kind of compassion you feel without any control, the kind of compassion that makes you human, it makes you able to sympathize with people for whom you would normally feel no sympathy. The kind of compassion that makes you feel for people for their own loss rather than refrain from feeling because you’re judging them for their actions that you condone.
But like death, compassion is not something you should talk about, at least not in my book. You don’t walk around parading those human feeling you have just like you don’t walk around parading the tears you cried over a loved one lost to death. You say those things with a low tone of voice because they are supposed to come from the heart and they are not supposed to be for show; they lose their meaning that way.
So watching the Amr Adeeb segment on u-tube, the one with him urging the people to support the grieving family and reminding them of all the good that family did and make it sound like the people owed them that compassion, it made me angry. Sorry, but he was more like beating compassion out of them. Compassion is not something you feel because you’re asked to, and you never feel it out of gratitude, especially if gratitude is barely due!
To me, it sounded like nothing short of a cheap attempt to suck up by using a painful tragedy; if not, then it was just plain rude and insensitive, to all people including the president and his family; because if I were them, I wouldn’t like someone to beg others to feel sorry for my loss and support me.
I was not going to comment about that, or the tragedy of losing a grandchild for that matter out of my respect to the tragedy itself, and out of my own belief that such things are rather private.
Until I was provoked by reading an email a guy on the cultural group I’m in sent as a letter to the mourning grandfather. That letter reeked with pretense and lacks substance, and who the hell is that person and who died an made him in charge for him to say “Mr. President, I address you today not on behalf of the people but on behalf of myself, not as a citizen but as a human being…”! Speak for yourself man, and don’t trivialize other people’s feelings by implying that your words are good enough for them, especially when those words are not even proof-read!
Sometimes “el baqa2 l’Ellah” and “enna l’Ellah wa enna elayhi rage3oon” is much more eloquent than big phrases that give compassion a bad name.
May 17, 2009
She died yesterday.
Her death was not sudden; it was rather anticipated, or perhaps even awaited in hopes of her relief. The cancer had attacked again for the third time and this time it was more aggressive and vicious, and her body was already drained by the previous chemotherapy and radiotherapy to which she had been suggested the first two times around.
I called her the day I got my divorce; I was really happy and I wanted to share it with her. I knew she spent her weekends in Maadi and we’ve always said we’d meet at the weekend. Hearing her frail voice, I could say but “kont 3ayza ashoofek bas sootek ta3ban, kalemeeny when you feel better we hageelek 3ashan enty wa7shany” she responded “enty kaman ya habibty wa7shany, enty kowayesa?” I told her I was doing great, but I didn’t want to tell her the news on the phone; she would have needed to see my face to know for sure that I was ok and she sounded too exhausted.
Hanging up, I couldn’t help but cry! I mumbled something about how I don’t know if I will see her before she was gone. I am not psychic; it’s just that she was really sick.
Hearing the news today, I didn’t flinch, at least not at first. I quietly changed from white to black, dropped the kids off at the nursery, went to work and informed my boss that I’d leave for a funeral midday. I told a couple of people and I still couldn’t cry; death usually takes me some time to grasp and react.
I parked in the same street where I once visited to give her my condolences for her mother’s death. As I got off the car I saw one of the guys I worked with, I yelled his name and asked him where the mosque was, and he pointed and I went there.
My whole body started shaking when I saw the box that carried her coffin, and before I knew it, I started crying, it was as if I was seeing her for the last time, only I couldn’t. I saw Shery on the sidewalk with some other girl crying and sobbing, so I went to her, I know she’s the weaker one, I know S always worried about her and always asked me to “akhaly baly 3aleiha”. She saw me, and she collapsed in my arms and she kept saying “she’s gone” and I couldn’t stop myself from crying.
I sat there at the mosque completely out of my element; I don’t think I was even paying that much attention during dhuhr prayer or during salat el gha2eb.
S collapsed again as she saw the men carrying the coffin back to the car, I couldn’t watch I looked the other way and tried to soothe S. needless to say I failed miserably.
I didn’t know anyone but the people I worked with, I didn’t even know what her daughter looked like and I felt awkward giving her my condolences when she never met me; what would I tell her, your mom was my safety, she was an inspiration for me to be as strong as I never thought I’d be. Words would really fail to describe the things she represented to me, and words would not convey how I felt about her.
Goodbye strong one, you were a tree in every sense of the word, you stood up high for every one of us, and you were just amazing at it! You will always be remembered and missed, may you rest in peace.
May 14, 2009
I am finishing off one hell of a crazy crazy week!
My boss told me a month ago that our company will be an exhibitor in some event and that I’d be “mas7oola” but I didn’t believe it, basically because all maters were supposedly arranged by the HO, which made it seem like all I had to do is dress up and look pretty! But Nooooooo!
Luckily I had a good Saturday afternoon to prepare me for that, I met up with Slop, Sou, IQ and Ma 3alina and actually had the healthiest meal until today!
So back to the madness; here are some quick and random stuff from the week…
Guys do PMS! I don’t care how many guys out there will yell at me for it, but dudes, FACE IT! You do PMS on regular basis, or as Mayo says “between each cigarette and the other”! The scary part is that you do it without our “crazy hormones”! You think you have God’s given right to lose your temper just because you’re “under stress”, which is by the way the same kind of stress people around you are dealing with! That’s what I had in mind when my colleague was behaving like a total prick; I wanted to tell him “ma testargel showaya” but I realized it would give him more right to whine and bitch without trying to actually fix things! Anyways, I gave it to him bad, real bad. That’s what one gets for giving me the wrong kind of treatment. PMSing dudes, you’ve been warned.
Walking in Nasr City malls with a Gulfie man is not something any woman should do, especially if we’re asking for table cloth at shops that sell newlyweds kinda stuff. VERY BAD IDEA! I realized that when I got “the look”; it was awkward and very embarrassing that I asked my colleague to wait in the car and let me handle things! And dear fellow Egyptians, you really have it in you to behave like pimps, more than you would like to admit!
VIPs are overrated. If I am to develop any prejudices, I would make it about VIPs or hotshots, and especially the people who follow them around and make such a big fuss about their presence; they make you forget that they’re just humans! THEY ARE HUMANS. Sadly, we make strong symbols out of them and associate mostly negative feelings to them because no one hates to feel unimportant, yet we all do in comparison.
On the other hand, there are people who work with/for those hotshots who are as sweet and decent as you may never really guess. I have managed to talk to about 4 of those and I got better treatment than I expected. I realize they were mostly nice to me because my name was associated with my boss’s and he’s one popular man (whom I am crazy about). Nonetheless, some people can still be stiff and arrogant, those people simply were not!
Oh, and did I mention, my boss is such an amazing man, and for that I am eternally grateful. He makes sure I am not being abused by my colleagues, he gives me credit for everything I do, and he thanks me for it. I guess this sort of makes up for the rotten deal I got on the husband! Oh, I meant X-husband ;)
I am proud of my Kov ;)
And that guy from last week’s audit emailed me yesterday thanking me for my great assistance! I was really grateful someone was that nice! Does that by any chance mean that I have become cynical due to being taken for granted and subjected to emotional abuse?
Yesterday, the physiotherapist said my back seemed significantly better, despite the exhaustion, the leg crossing, and the painful heels!!! He said I needed to do my exercises more seriously though because my muscles are still too weak! And who falls asleep during a session, certainly not an insomniac! Anyways, disc or not, I think my pain has to do with my mood; yesterday I was dead tired but generally in a good mood and there was no pain; however, today, the x managed to piss me off and before I knew it I was stress-eating and my back was killing me!
Finally, I outed myself on FB today… this is how my status message reads “…is divorced and for whatever it's worth, there are no negative feelings associated except for the waste of 9 good years! so yes, divorced and proud of it, so to speak!”
And now, I go home and sleep!
May 10, 2009
Yesterday, I decided to go to bed really early since I have one hell of a busy week ahead of me. I normally don’t have any before-bedtime rituals, but for some reason I lingered in front of my dresser.
Something about my messy curls made me decided to take a longer look and fix my hair. Untying my hair band I didn’t feel like brushing the curls loose, so I just fixed it with my hand and kept observing my face.
I looked different… I admit I had a glow about me, a glow I haven’t seen in such a long time!
For the first time in years, I looked at my face and felt pretty! I liked how almost round my face looked although round is not how anyone would describe my face. I liked how especially pink my cheeks were even though I blush as a reflex action to happiness, anger, excitement, heat, embarrassment, and you name it! Most of all, I liked how bright and shiny my eyes were.
Yes, despite all the inconveniences and my childish reaction towards them, I had it in me to be happy!
I washed my face, prayed, and jumped into bed.
Although my body was beat, my spirit was rather too high for me to fall asleep right away.
Without noticing, I found myself daydreaming… and that was when it hit me! I don’t even remember the last time I daydreamed!!! ME! I usually daydream 3ala roo7y!! That was when I realized that I have been swallowed up in all the stress, anxiety and drama to the extent that my subconscious gave up on daydreaming and crippled my imagination.
A big smile made its way to my face, visions of people and places kept flowing through my mind so smoothly; millions of happy scenarios and millions of imaginary possibilities that somehow made my spirit calm as if some invisible arms were holding me safe. And before I knew it, I was sound asleep, no insomnia!
I can hear my cynical self telling me I am digging my own grave with all those dreams; building up expectations and hopes over things that I can’t control! Who cares, I am happy for now, and as for my daydreams, nothing is carved on stone here.
May 7, 2009
I was granted the divorce.
I still can’t find the words to describe my happiness, but I assure you all, I AM HAPPY :)
I thought i'd be able to say all the words that would describe how I feel, but all I can say now, is I am free, I am happy, alhamdulilah :)
I still can’t find the words to describe my happiness, but I assure you all, I AM HAPPY :)
I thought i'd be able to say all the words that would describe how I feel, but all I can say now, is I am free, I am happy, alhamdulilah :)
I went to bed after midnight.
I woke up somewhere before salat el fagr because my face was itching me like hell to find that one of my babies left some candy wrapper on the pillow and it was driving my skin crazy. I washed my face with cold water and made a mental note to pray if I stay up until I hear the azan.
I didn’t wake up, at least not until I had that dream. Part of that dream had to do with my company having an exhibition next week and that we will start working on related arrangements starting the weekend.
I walk into the office to find a florist whom I have never seen before giving the driver and the office boy instructions on how to help him with the flower arrangements they were preparing for an after-exhibition gathering at out premises.
I see beautiful white cala lilies (you know the ones with yellowish insides) and he was telling them they look great with vanilla flowers (pale yellow, and extremely beautiful, I never knew vanilla flowers were involved in such flower arrangements!!)
So I stand there completely overwhelmed at the sight of those beautiful flowers and I keep trying to inhale all their aromas and savor them in my nostrils.
I ask the office boy to make my office arrangements with those, and he tells me alright and asks me to check the other kinds of flowers they left in my office.
I walk in to find three beautiful flower pots which had not yet been mixed or arranged; one containing orchids (ORCHIDS!!!) and the other two containing some sorts of exotic flowers, the really colorful kind!
That when I lean forward towards the flower as if to hug them (I actually do that with flowers in real life) and keep sniffing them so happily.
Ahem, I woke up with one side of my nostrils blocked, but I had one big dumb smile on my face. It was already around 6:30. I could see the sunlight coming through the window but I was too lazy to move, so I just turned on my other side and continued sleeping while murmuring “alhamdulilah”.
My kids woke up in a good mood today. I prayed, wore a purple top and my charm pendant! Later I remembered what Dr. Magdi said about the Color purple and how it signifies spirituality! Anyway… I want to remain that positive, I need it, especially that today is the birthday party the nursery is throwing my Mocha.
Oh oh, and my feel good song played in the car and I kept singing and teaching my Beem the lyrics. It was Robbie Williams’ Beyond the Sea... I wanted to leave you with the version performed by Kevin Spacey since it definitely puts a smile on my face, but since I couldn't, the one by Robbie Williams will do, I like its music more!
May 6, 2009
I just called my dad...
He said I won't know until tomorrow because they announce the verdict after all sessions scheduled for today, and that it won't be public until tomorrow morning when he sends someone to check it.
Alternatively, I could drive to el tgamo3 el khames and wait until they finish sessions and wait up hoping they would actually tell me.
I feel like crying... oh, and my back is KILLING ME... I think I got too tense to the extent that I heard a cracking sound...
All I want now is to go home and sleep it all off until someone finds out and wakes me; I just can't stand the anxiety anymore!
Today is the ruling on my divorce case, the verdict of the appeal for which there was a hearing last February. No closings and no words to be said, not even lawyers to attend; the verdict will just be written somewhere and my dad will have someone read it and tell him on the phone.
I have been counting down the days, but now I can’t seem to be able to count the hours or the minutes for I have no idea at what time I will be getting the news.
Waking up today, I didn’t even want to leave bed or go to work. I wished I could sleep off the whole day until they’d wake me up to tell me. I wanted to tell them to never wake me if I did not get the divorce. But I have work to do, work that can’t be postponed.
What if the judge is too prejudiced against divorce?
What if the judge decided I am just another spoilt brat who does not deserve to be granted her freedom like the one before him did?
What if he believed that having kids is a good enough reason to stay in a dead-end marriage with a husband who for all the judge knows did not try to reconcile since the first ruling?
I am scared…
I don’t want one more hour of my life wasted, not that I have a clue what to do with my life once this is over. I have spent enough time without making any plans for when it’s over because I was afraid it would keep dragging and those plans would keep falling apart.
Through the past couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to distract myself by doing all sorts of things I wouldn’t normally do. I actually had my back pain checked to think of something other than the tiring anticipation, I go to the physiotherapy session to drown the pain I have in my head by the pain my muscles.
Meanwhile, his attitude is keeping me worried; he subtly hints that it won’t be over yet, he hints it with a sure tone that shakes me so hard as I try to control my facial reactions. He tries every worn out tactic to get under my skin, and I’m ashamed he succeeds although I am aware of those tactics.; he just knows too much about the memories I try so hard not to remember.
I just want that chapter of my life over and done with so that I can put all those bad memories in a box, lock the damn box and burry it somewhere, and throw the key somewhere else, and never find either again.
I am scared the judge won’t end that chapter today.
May 3, 2009
This is the first post I ever write with the intent of being obscene. Usually, people who know me say I sound funny when I curse, and they have seen first hand how I can’t contain laughter when people start using language in front of me. My sisters on the other hand are more used to my aba7a and it sort of offends them when I am angry and cursing, this is one of those times!
And here is why...
I drive be adab and I got 1160 EGP mokhalfat, while everyone I know who does all sort of mokhalfat got less than 50 EGP!!!! Mesh moshkela, zeka 3an se7ety el kharbana….
Laken da keteer…
Ya3ne ya welad el *teeeeet* I lived in maadi all my f***in’ life, even school and college were in maadi, even my first years of marriage were in maadi, I only moved out of it for the worst three years of my marriage!!!
You do not even know which moroor I belong to with my zamalek address, some say 3ataba and some say boulaq… we sanya wa7da ba2a, eh elly gab el zamalek le esm asr el neel le boulaq wala el 3ataba ya bahayem ya welad el bahayem!!!
We ghayartelko om el zeft el 3addad we ba2aly esboo3 mesh baroo7 el zeft el shoghl because I am pre-occupied with all the shit in my life on top of which my almost expired car registration! And I actually went with my smiling decent attitude despite how exhausted i was, only to be told I should use that document to change my ID address to Maadi, i got over my embarrassment and explained that I can’t change my ID back to maadi because there is a zeft ongoing divorce case for the last two years and that ba2aly sanateen back in my original residence!!!!!!!
And ok, I get that there are rules and order and that they’re there for a reason, bas seriously ba2a, *TEEEEEEEEEEET*, the f***in’ rules only apply on people like me who respect them, but those who ignore and defy them get away with it!!!!
The x, who happens to claim that he has license plates of mokhabarat (aslan the fact that such thing exists is appalling) did not know how to drive when he had his driver’s license… yeah motawaqa3 eno bel wasta, bas 3ala fekra ba2a makanetsh wasta; it was in exchange of two packs of Viagra (3ameto mowazafet wezaret el se77a el mo7tarama wakhdahom tazbeet men mandoob mabe3at Pfizer so that Pfizer would get chosen on another drug deal) and some sexual performance enhancing vitamins!!!! Which concludes that mowazafeen el moroor are basically some impotent bastards who abuse drugs!
And FYI, I did earn my friken diver’s license because my righteous dad refused to call any of his friends since he believes that people’s lives (whom I might jeopardize if I drive without knowing how) are worth a lot more than the hours I’d spend in el moroor sweating my heart out! And I f***in’ drive better than nos regallet masr awelhom el *teeet* betoo3 el moroor elly *teeet*
Asfa geddan 3al aba7a, I will probably delete this post once I read it after I calm down and feel extremely ashamed of myself!!!