May 6, 2009

Pretending not to count the minutes!


Today is the ruling on my divorce case, the verdict of the appeal for which there was a hearing last February. No closings and no words to be said, not even lawyers to attend; the verdict will just be written somewhere and my dad will have someone read it and tell him on the phone.

I have been counting down the days, but now I can’t seem to be able to count the hours or the minutes for I have no idea at what time I will be getting the news.

Waking up today, I didn’t even want to leave bed or go to work. I wished I could sleep off the whole day until they’d wake me up to tell me. I wanted to tell them to never wake me if I did not get the divorce. But I have work to do, work that can’t be postponed.

I’m scared…

What if the judge is too prejudiced against divorce?

What if the judge decided I am just another spoilt brat who does not deserve to be granted her freedom like the one before him did?

What if he believed that having kids is a good enough reason to stay in a dead-end marriage with a husband who for all the judge knows did not try to reconcile since the first ruling?

I am scared…

I don’t want one more hour of my life wasted, not that I have a clue what to do with my life once this is over. I have spent enough time without making any plans for when it’s over because I was afraid it would keep dragging and those plans would keep falling apart.

Through the past couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to distract myself by doing all sorts of things I wouldn’t normally do. I actually had my back pain checked to think of something other than the tiring anticipation, I go to the physiotherapy session to drown the pain I have in my head by the pain my muscles.

Meanwhile, his attitude is keeping me worried; he subtly hints that it won’t be over yet, he hints it with a sure tone that shakes me so hard as I try to control my facial reactions. He tries every worn out tactic to get under my skin, and I’m ashamed he succeeds although I am aware of those tactics.; he just knows too much about the memories I try so hard not to remember.

I just want that chapter of my life over and done with so that I can put all those bad memories in a box, lock the damn box and burry it somewhere, and throw the key somewhere else, and never find either again.

I am scared the judge won’t end that chapter today.

يا رب


18 comments:

Rasha* said...

ya rab ya rab ya rab yerzo2ek elkheir ya Inso ya bent 2alby :P
cheer up girl...inshallah kheir
and 7anafra7 beeki 40 yoom oo leela...on blogs 3ashan ab2a realistic...bas bardo...7afasa7ek :D
(Dr. kept reciting the moraf3a in fus7a embare7 and he recited along a very nice justice related poem that i don't remember a word from hehehe)elmohem :D

Allah kareem, don't be scared sweetest Inso :)
hugs*
many many hugs*

Marwa Rakha said...

I am praying for you .. may you be free ... happy and free:)

insomniac said...

Rasha....

40 days will not be enough, the whole 3edda 3adretek....

i am cheering up, or at least trying bas i am too anxious that my spine is shivering, i can't even do my execises mel ala2!!!

YA RAB

hugs enty kaman!


Marwa,

Thanks a lot :) really :)))

Sara said...

tafa2lo bel khyr tajedooh :)

insomniac said...

Amen!

in sha2 Allah kheer.... kheer....

soha said...

ربنا معاكي يارب
انا هادعيلك
انت مش تعرفيني

insomniac said...

شكرا اوي :)

بجد شكرا

Abdelsalam Rashad said...

Rabenna ma3aky ya inso...enty testahly kol kher w insha2 Allah Rabenna 7ayeb2a ganbek 3la tool.

Anonymous said...

I really can't believe this X!!!

InshaAllah you get rid of him today...please keep us updated.

much love dear

R

insomniac said...

Abdel Salam,

thanks a lot... i am really speechless here... ameen :)


R,

in sha2 Allah kheir, in sha2 Allah kheir...

akeed you will know once i do!

thanks girl :)

Rasha said...

3edet eh ya ya inso??!!!!!!
??!!!!??!!!!???!!!!!
ya3ni ahoh...i'll shut up :D

insomniac said...

aiwan!! 9o days celebration... da 2a2al wageb after all those years....

Rasha* said...

ay na3am el3eda irrelevant bas ana mwaf2a sana kamla celebration...bossy...7a3mel l harfoush 3a2d e7tekar :D

insomniac said...

LOL

la2, enty 3arfa ana 3ayza meen, balash nasb!

Ice Queer said...

Ha? Any news yet?
Btw, ekhla3eeh!

insomniac said...

no, i am too afraid to call my dad and act all hysteric on him....

and yeah i think khol3 would be the one thing left for me if this doesn't work, but God knows how many months that would take!

Sou-One-Canobee said...

Hey there Girl I know that probably everyone told you what need to be said bass el nassib is a big thing that I am a true believer in If you have nassib in something you would get over everything else.
I know he is trying to shake you he probably knows all your buttons after all he was the husband. But do not let him. Not to not show it do not let him shake you period. He lost his right to affect you any more treat him as if he does not exist hence his words are a mirage, an illusion that makes no sense. He exists for his kids as a father but for you he is no longer there.

God would stand by you cause you did nothing wrong. Be patient and wait hopefully it will be over soon ISA

insomniac said...

you're right sarah :))

i believe in all the things you said... but obviously patience is a virtue i do not have...

and perhaps it's one more lesson for me to learn, ASBOR!