May 30, 2009

A not so welcomed déjà vu!

Listening to Nina Simone’s strong deep blue voice, I lay in bed as I try to recall the day and figure out what it was that got to me that way.

So what? I spent yet another day unable to avoid him as we took the boys to the pool. As usual, he tried to say and do all the things that he knows get under my skin and I pretended not to be bothered as I shot back my share of insults at his character. Pretty much an average Friday out with him!

I am grateful to how he keeps ensuring me that I made the right decision choosing to leave him, but I wish I never had to see him again and I honestly wish my kids didn’t need a father. I feel like I did something horrible bringing them into this world with such a person, he doesn’t deserve them or the way they love him! Touché!

I keep remembering everything trying to point my finger at what shook me so hard…

We drove by so many places that held not so pleasant memories; it made me more receptive to his attempts to ruin my mood. Or was it the other way around; perhaps he he said or did something that made me receptive to remembering all those bad memories!

He was mean to her on the phone. I don’t feel the least bit sorry for her. He said he was into someone else now, someone new! It made him see how he doesn’t want to be with her.

He made me hear him talk to her as he implied those meanings so bluntly and so coldly… and I remembered. I remembered the resemblance between the way he talked to her and the way he talked to me, I remembered.

I didn’t feel sorry for her, but I felt sorry for me, all over again! And I hated the way I felt back then, and I hate it now twice as much.

Later, on our way home he said he was not in love with the new one. He said he was drawn to her because she was “angelic” and that he knew she’d make a good wife. He said he knew he wouldn’t have her outside of a marriage. It sounded familiar.

I found myself those words when he asked me what I thought of it all “you don’t deserve angelic, if she is really as good as you say, then I hope she sees you for who you are soon enough, lest you will only ruin her chances of having a good life with someone who actually deserves her… otherwise, I just hope she’s like you

Yeah that’s probably it; he ruined my chances as well as my kids’.

I wish him no happiness and no peace for he simply denied me mine.


Anonymous said...

Dear Inso,

I know it seems now that your chances are ruined , but i like you to think about it this way , who is he to let him have control over your life???? he's history now (as an ex) he's been the worst test you had to go thru in life , so what?? you passed the worst , there can't be worse :) it's probably better isA .
You're young Inso and i'm sure attractive ;) and always know anything happens to you is Allah's destiny , and we're only reasons for it to happen on earth
"ما أصابك لم يكن ليخطئك و ما أخطأك لم يكن ليصيبك"

I really hope you move on leaving all of it behind you ,always look forward , what's done is done dear you can't change it , it was painful and still it is but you will heal , you can heal ..have faith .

Take the time you want , but dont' dwell on it for too long, he doesn't deserve wasting any minute over him ...praying you find your peace soon .


Ola said...

My dear you have to get over this!! You have to stop remembering all those sad events & memories. His being around is a fact because of the kids & for their sake, so you have to accept it. I think you are grown up enough to tolerate being in the same place with some one you hate for few hours a week!! Come on, you must have to be with so many persons whom you hate in work places or so!!
Hang on my dear

silent observer said...

I was in spain last winter and I was listening to music in those music stores. I really liked the music of a certain woman but when I came back I realized that i totally forgot... now when I read your post i remembered. Thank you :)

insomniac said...


by ruined chances i meant that nether my kids nor i can undo him... the fact that i had kids with him eliminates the options of eliminating his existence, and they're such good kids, they deserve better....

i know it's what was meant to be, i know there were lessons for me to learn and i know of worse things that could have happened and i am thankful that's were it had stopped... but that does not mean that i can't hate him for choosing to inflict harm that way...

i am moving on and i am aware of the good things in my life, i just wish he wasn't there to ruin every other friday, or that he'd dedicate those days to the kids instead of harassing me!!

insomniac said...

ya Ola :)

i remember because if i forget there will be no point of having gone through all that!

i don't mind remembering and you can trust me i am over the worst already alhamdulilah... bas da ensan mostafezz and you know to what extents; danty beteb2y hatetshlly lama ba2ollek el kalam elly bey2oloh!

yes, i know how to handle people i hate, but i also know when to leave them before they start getting to my good mood... problem with him is that i am not able to leave when he does that because if i do, i'd be ruining the kids' evening with him and he knows that and uses it against me, how cheap is that!

insomniac said...

silent observer :))

yeah Nina Simone is so darn significant!!

enjoy hun :)

Anonymous said...

He will get what he deserves , i'm very sure about that :)

About your kids, yeah i understand what you mean but i want u to know that some kids are deprived from the love of their dad within a marriage and the father is actually good for reasons like working 24/7 ...and i can't help but say "rabena yhdeeh" at least for the kids !


insomniac said...

how cruel of me is it that i don't think he deserves hedayet rabena!!