August 31, 2008
August has been…........... I guess there are no words to describe it really!
I met some new people, friends that I would like to keep…
I caught up with old childhood friends, found out we’re still the same, only years older from since we last met…
I laughed, I cried…
I felt too warm and happy, but again, I felt sad and hollow…
I regained my faith in some people I thought I had once given up on, and I also lost faith in some whom I once cherished, and still cherish that it kinda hurts…
I smiled, I couldn’t speak my mind, I tried to express myself and I couldn’t, so I just smiled…
I made too many decisions that I still don’t know how to put in an action plan, but at least I know I did make some decisions, hard ones…
I finally asked for something I wanted, and I got it! For the first time I get something that I had actually asked for…
I couldn’t say a lot of words out of loud, not even to myself… I played them in music, but no one listened, not even me…
Words still couldn’t come out, so I smiled and nodded though no one was looking… played more music, few tears fell, my heart ached, but the words never came out!
Decisions are hard, especially the right ones…
One reoccurring thought though… I am alone and I am scared… I keep looking for peace, company, and reassurance in my kids’ eyes, I find some, a lot actually! Yet, somehow, the feelings still linger more strongly!
August made me happy, but left me with sadness. It could be because my sadness is still too much for any happiness to take its place, but I know deep down that one day, my sadness will no longer haunt my happy days… I could be either optimistic or delusional, either one will do for now!
Bye bye August...
August 30, 2008
A childhood friend of mine had a brain tumor right on the nerve feeding his right ear. He went to the states around three weeks ago and had the tumor removed, along with his hearing ability in the right ear. Now, he hears absolutely nothing if he sleeps on his left side, blocking his good ear. My friend is now recovering from the surgery and undergoing rehabilitation in order to deal with regaining his balance, since apparently it was not just hearing that he lost. I am grateful he recovered, but I can’t grasp the loss, and I am terrified the tumor would come back.
I’ve last seen my friend during my Luxor and Aswan trip. My friend turns 31 in September. My friend had two beautiful girls, and his wife has just given birth to the third while he was in the states having his surgery. My friend is a good husband and a great daddy.
My friend is a good guy. My friend used to help me carry my kids’ stroller on and off the boat in Aswan. My friend would hold my Beem and soothe him when he noticed I was too tired to walk carrying him. My friend is a good guy.
My dad told me about my friend a couple of hours before the x’s aunt came to visit the kids bearing his cheap gifts. I couldn’t return the toys because my kids were so thrilled, but I did return the clothes and I was too stiff about it, it almost felt like I was kicking her out as I did it.
I was thinking of my friend, and how his health and his time with his kids has been affected for good, while my x enjoys his health and the time he doesn’t bother spending with his kids getting to know them; how my x never really held Mocha and has no clue what Beem would want for his next birthday! How all that seems trivial when compared to how my friend loses touch with his surroundings if he sleeps on the wrong side!
Things like that are hard for me to grasp. Things like this shake my entire existence and make me beg for God’s mercy and beg to understand His wisdom.
حكمتك يا رب
August 17, 2008
I've watched this movie with friends in its year of production, which means I was fifteen! My friends hated the movie and back then I was still the kind of girl who would be too embarrassed to stand out in such crowd and say "I love this movie".
I love this movie - I love the cinematography, Gabriel Yared's music, the plot and how it develops and how it leaves you at the end of the movie, and most of all the performance of Ralph Fiennes, Kristin Scott Thomas, Juliette Binoche, and Willem Dafoe.
I could go on and on about this movie, and perhaps I'd do in the comments area, but for now, I will leave you with quotes.
P.S. If you have not watched this movie, please disregard this post because it has a spoiler or two. OH, and go watch this movie for God's sake!
Hana: [crying, her face a frozen mask] I must be a curse. Anybody who loves me, anybody who gets close to me... or I must be cursed. Which is it?
Katharine Clifton: Will we be alright?
Almásy: Yes. Yes, absolutely.
Katharine Clifton: "Yes" is a comfort. "Absolutely" is not.
Katharine Clifton: [dancing] Why did you follow me yesterday?
Almásy: Excuse me?
Katharine Clifton: After the market, you followed me to the hotel.
Almásy: I was concerned. As I said, women in that part of Cairo, a European women, I felt obliged to.
Katharine Clifton: [beat] You felt obliged to.
Almásy: As the wife of one of our party.
Katharine Clifton: [sardonically] So why follow me? Escort me, by all means. Following me is predatory, isn't it?
Almásy: I once traveled with a guide who was taking me to Faya. He didn't speak for nine hours. At the end of it he pointed to the horizon and said, "Faya!" That was a good day.---
Katharine Clifton: I'm impressed you can sew.
Katharine Clifton: You sew very badly.
Almásy: Well, you don't sew at all.
Katharine Clifton: A woman should never learn to sew, and if she can she shouldn't admit to it.
Almásy: When were you most happy?
Katharine Clifton: Now.
Almásy: When were you least happy?
Katharine Clifton: Now.
Almásy: What do you love?
Katharine Clifton: What do I love?
Almásy: Say everything.
Katharine Clifton: Water, with fish in it. Hedgehogs, I love hedgehogs. Marmite. Baths, but not with other people! Islands. I could go on all day.
Almásy: Go on all day.
Katharine Clifton: Your handwriting.
Almásy: And what else?
Katharine Clifton: A husband.
Almásy: What do you hate most?
Katharine Clifton: A lie. What do you hate most?
Almásy: Ownership. Being owned. What you leave here you should forget me.
Katharine Clifton: This - what is this?
Almásy: It's a folk song.
Katharine Clifton: Arabic.
Almásy: No, no. It's Hungarian. My daijka sang it to me when I was a child growing up in Budapest.
Katharine Clifton: It's beautiful. What's it about?
Almásy: Szerelam means love. And the story, well, there's this Hungarian count. He's a wanderer. He's a fool. And for years he's on some kind of a quest for... who knows what. And then one day, he falls under the spell of a mysterious English woman. A harpy, who beats him, and hits him, he becomes her slave, and he sews her clothes, and worships... [Katharine starts hitting him]
Almásy: Stop it! Stop it! You're always beating me!
Katharine Clifton: Bastard! You bastard, I believed you! You should be my slave.
Hana: There's a man downstairs. He brought us eggs. He might stay.
Almásy: Why? Can he lay eggs?
Hana: He's Canadian.
Almásy: Why are people so happy when they collide with someone from the same place? What happened in Montreal when you passed a man in the street? Did you invite him to live with you?
Hana: I'm not in love with him. I'm in love with ghosts... And so is he, he's in love with ghosts
Almásy: Betrayals in war are childlike compared with our betrayals during peace. New lovers are nervous and tender, but smash everything. For the heart is an organ of fire.
Almásy: I just wanted you to know: I'm not missing you yet.
Katharine Clifton: You will.
Katharine Clifton: Do you think you are the only one who feels anything?
Katharine Clifton: Why did you hate me?
Katharine Clifton: Don't you know you drove everybody mad?
Almásy: Don't talk
Katharine Clifton: You speak so many bloody languages, and you never want to talk.
Almásy (They stagger on. He suddenly notices a stain of gold at her neck. It's saffron, leaking from a silver THIMBLE which hangs from a black ribbon): (overwhelmed) You're wearing the thimble.
Katharine Clifton: Of course, you idiot. I always wear it; I've always worn it; I've always loved you.
Katharine Clifton: Do you promise? I wouldn't want to die here. I wouldn't want to die in the desert. I've always had a rather elaborate funeral in mind, with particular hymns. Very English. And I know exactly where I want to be buried. In our garden. Where I grew up. With a view of the sea. So promise me you'll come back for me.
Almásy: I promise, I'll come back for you. I promise, I'll never leave you.
Almásy: Every night I cut out my heart. But in the morning it was full again.
Almásy: So yes. She died because of me. Because I loved her. Because I had the wrong name.
Katharine Clifton: My darling. I'm waiting for you. How long is the day in the dark? Or a week? The fire is gone, and I'm horribly cold. I really should drag myself outside but then there'd be the sun. I'm afraid I waste the light on the paintings, not writing these words. We die. We die rich with lovers and tribes, tastes we have swallowed, bodies we've entered and swum up like rivers. Fears we've hidden in - like this wretched cave. I want all this marked on my body. Where the real countries are. Not boundaries drawn on mapswith the names of powerful men. I know you'll come carry me out to the Palace of Winds. That's what I've wanted: to walk in such a place with you. With friends, on an earth without maps. The lamp has gone out and I'm writing in the darkness.
August 16, 2008
Tagged by Deeeeeee
1. Put your iTunes/music player on Shuffle,
2. For each question, press the next button to get you answer,
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT!!
After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do them themselves.
[if D couldn't help not commenting, I doubt I could!!]
1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
Non, Je ne Regret – Edit Piaf
[hehe, I like the sound of that]
2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Lose Yourself - Eminem
[I didn’t even know I had that!! Ooo my kids are dancing to it!!]
3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
The End of a Love Affair – Billie Holiday
[does this mean I like it when it’s over?!]
4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
People Aint No Good – Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds [Shrek 2 OST]
[itunes is telepathic!]
5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Blue Moon – Frank Sinatra
[I love the moon]
6. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Moon Over Burbon Street - Sting
7. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Unforgettable – Frank Sinatra
[like they would give me the space to forget them!! I say it with luf]
8. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Mishet Khalas – Wael Gassar
[I knew I’d regret having D send me this song]
9. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Save Me – Bird York [Crash OST]
10.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
La Vie En Rose – Patricia Kaas
11.WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Leave Right Now – Will Young
[thank you very much]
12.WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Sorry – Tracy Chapman (Acoustic)
[now why would I like someone who makes me think that!!]
13.WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Kohl – Kamilya Jubran
14. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
In the Arms of an Angel – Sarah McLachlan [City of Angels OST]
[I actually had to make sure I deleted the songs that played at my wedding!!]
15. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Ode to My Family – The Cranberries
[ok, I’m fine with that]
16.WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Swinging on a Star – Frank Sinatra
[mmm… the mule, the pig, or the fish??? perhaps the monkeys!]
17. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
I’m a Long Way from Home – Shooter Jennings [Walk the Line OST]
[it’s not secret at all :s! first time I ever listened to that song though, I download OSTs a lot but barely spend time to listen]
18.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
I’m no Angel - Dido
[if that’s what I’m telling them, they know…]
19. WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
Tangled – Maroon 5
20. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOURSELF?
Impossible – Whitney Houston & Brandy [Cinderella OST]
[HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… serves me right for being obsessed with OSTs]
Now, I tag The Caller, Eventuality, Will E, Shimaa, Frustrated
August 14, 2008
Fear has always been viewed as a bad bad thing; I can understand why, I am not really arguing. Or am I?
People always go on and on about how destructive fear is, and how it keeps us from living experiences to the fullest or enjoying our lives and all that. People always criticize those who succumb to their fears and idealize those who overcome them. They have even come up with brilliant phrases praising those who rise above their fears, describing them as brave and courageous.
As much as everyone seems to have agreed on that, society seems to promote fear! How else would you explain why people refrain from saying or doing so many things!! Perhaps even more when it comes to women! Women are not encouraged to be bold, it is somehow claimed that it reduces their femininity or something; they always have to have some fears for their men to conquer!! But then again, is society manipulating fear to promote courage and bravery??! I’m babbling!
I think fear isn’t all that bad! As crippling as it is, fear keeps us from doing stupid stupid things, which we might view later as horrible mistakes. Fear forces us to consider consequences… in an awful awful way, I admit, but it gets the job done much better and more effectively than wisdom. Fear can be useful at times I suppose.
Look at children, they have no fear. Their cute little minds have not yet grasped the concept; it means absolutely nothing to them. Look at how many times they pull the funniest yet most stupid stunts that cause them to repeatedly fall and hurt themselves. They cry their hearts out, as well as they parents’, and they simply do them over and over again until they develop some certain understanding! Yeah yeah, learning and developing and all, but it’s too much pain as well, at least for someone who’s feeling as sore as I am right now, so spare me!
I have been a child for quite a long time that way; I still am in a sense. I face my fears and confront them by doing exactly what they would normally stop me from doing. If I had a nickel for every time I did something because I was too stubborn to succumb to my fears, I’d be a millionaire! I hate admitting that most of them were stupid things that I would regret had I believed in regret.
I would like to meet the wise man who said that the best way to conquer your fear is to face them and share my experience with him and tell him he should have added that sometimes your fears are there for a reason and that sometimes you need to spend more time finding out the reason instead of proving your fears wrong with utter ignorance motivated by stubbornness.
My dad used to push me to go ask for directions whenever we got lost in a foreign country to teach me that I should be daring enough, and well, to hide his own embarrassment for getting us lost in the first place. He always wanted me to be the brave boy he never had, but he realized when it was too late that he forgot to teach me how to listen to my fears. In his own way, he had shaped me into a girl admired for how different she was, problem is her uniqueness was not that easy to appreciate once one had to constantly deal with it.
All my life, people would admire/criticize me saying I am “garee2a awy” because I would bluntly speak my mind!! Well, they can rest assured now, I stopped; words seem to struggle to come out of my mouth thank you very much!
But I am still too stubborn to listen to my fears and reason with them!! I still dare them and do the opposite thing just to prove that I am better and higher; I am vain that way. And today after talking to my “khawafa” friend, I told her that the thing everyone criticizes her for is the exact thing I need to keep myself safe for a while.
So my dear friend, here is to fear, it’s not always that bad.
August 13, 2008
When you pray for signs and keep all your senses sharp so that you’d notice the smallest ones and do by them…
When you keep getting signs, almost all of them direct you in a certain direction, a road you do not prefer…
When you start doubting those signs but the voice in your head keeps reminding you that it was you who asked for those signs…
When you tell yourself that even signs can be misinterpreted and that you should depend on your instincts to interpret the signs right…
But then your instincts scare the crap out of you and they seem to side with the scary signs telling you to choose a road you wouldn’t prefer…
And that’s when your mind plays its silly tricks, manipulated by your restless worries and your vicious fears, telling you that your instincts were wrong before and got you to misinterpret signs before, that they might as well be wrong now…
When your doubts and insecurities are your new best friend who constantly keep your company making all the air you breathe feel heavy…
When the constant friend you’ve always had, your insomnia leaves you to fall into the pits of troubled sleep where your mind is supposed to referee between all the worries and the fears and the doubts and the insecurities in the very few hours you are expected to rest, only to wake up feeling like a million sticks were beating you on the head!!
You know you can’t succumb to solutions like medications or even suicide; it’s simply not you and you know it so damn well…
So what do you do???
August 10, 2008
These thoughts could not come out in the form of words when they first came to mind; now after my toothache had gone, they seem to have found their way out!! Here... in the same order and with the same language my mind used!
بيقولوا اللي بيغرق بيتعلق بقشاية... مع اننا كلنا عارفين ان القشاية دي زي عدمها! بس هو غرقان و مش لاقي غير القشاية، هيتأمر يعني
طب و اللي يلاقي مركب، مش بديهي انه يمسك فيها؟؟ يمسك جامد أوي... اكيد مش هيفكر ساعتها المركب دي جت منين ولا عليها ايه، هيمسك و هو مغمض عينيه عن اي حاجة ممكن تخليه يقلق
Makes me wonder how many almost drowning people hailed for a pirate ship thinking they will be rescued only to find themselves trapped in a worse situation!
Makes me wonder if sometimes it’s actually better to drown!
Makes me remember something I read somewhere that went like that… the most dangerous thing to man is desperation… desperation could be derived from fear, but I think it’s worse than fear because it takes over, and when it does, the fear that cripples you is no longer there to stop you from doing whatever dangerous things there are to do!
Now you can see why my toothache was a better idea!!
August 9, 2008
I’ve had the worst toothache since Tuesday night, the worst!! Since then, and perhaps even since before, I’ve been too sensitive towards every single little thing that I’ve been told or simply heard being said in my presence!! I can be intolerable that way, or as my baby sis refers to it “dramatic”
Yesterday, my toothache was too painful I silently sulked in bed and avoided human interaction as much as I could, especially that I had a painful day in the club with the humidity, the sun and the works (my mom and kids, with the latter not so gracefully reacting to the heat and the humidity)!! My day couldn’t suck more! Ok, now that was dramatic.
Today was much better though! My dentist fixed me, even if it’s just temporary, but at least I can actually shut my mouth without jumping in pain! Moreover, I dare say I had a good day; it’s funny how I had one of my best days in quite a while (since last Friday to be exact) without having to say much!!
But with the toothache gone, leaving some space for all those thoughts in my head, I am starting to feel other different kinds of pain!! My head hurts, I am feeling noxious, and oh my God, the insomnia is hitting twice as hard although I have not touched coffee since Thursday!!!
And suddenly, I feel like I miss my toothache!!!!
I am not saying I am not happy, I am!! I am just too overwhelmed by a lot of other things that I can’t seem to quite grasp!!
August 4, 2008
She said “it’s like I’ve been pushed into cold water and I had no idea how to swim, and it’s taking me quite a while to regain a very delicate balance on which it depends whether I will survive or drown”… Or something close enough to that anyway.
The strange part is that those words are exactly what I had in mind when I picked that photo to represent me! I did not want to interrupt her by pointing out another similarity simply because I thought we had quite enough in common.
Now She knows :)
Whoever threw me into the water knew I did not know how to swim, yet never knew that I am a survivor by nature! I don’t think I knew that about myself either!! Perhaps I was never persistent enough to learn how to swim, or float for that matter; it’s amazing how you can surprise yourself when you have to!
Well, I still don’t know how to swim, but I have learnt how to float!
I have a little secret though; my floating is conditional. Every now and then I have to make sure my feet can still touch solid ground and that I have not drifted to a place where I would be forced to count on that delicate balance which I cannot trust my body to maintain all the time.
I keep checking. I keep checking with fear and anticipation of the moment when my body fails me, only to find out that I have drifted really far from whatever solid ground I currently have underneath!
There is more in my head that I am trying to get out, but my words keep failing me… I guess I will just leave it at this for now; so later…