April 21, 2009
He said “you don’t get it, it’s not my place to make any decisions; if you think about it, nothing is up to me to do for the time being”
I said “I understand, strangely enough, it is my decision but I can’t seem to make anything happen, at least not to my liking!”
He laughed “my point exactly!”
I said nothing.
I hate it when someone is that right...
I hate it even more when I am finally capable of making up my mind only to be forced to keep it to myself until it’s time.
B tells me I should learn to be patient and that patience is my ultimate lesson if anything!
B tells me to stop rushing everything and learn to sit back and live each day at a time instead of wasting my present hoping for a future that may not bring me the happiness I anticipate.
B tells me to pray for whatever is good for me and to not label it because we humans never really know what’s best for us.
B is my Zen master, my religious friend who always sets me straight when my faith weakens.
B is also right!
It’s much simpler for everyone to see how all I can and should do is let go, have faith and stop trying to define and understand things that are just beyond me.
All of a sudden, I have to fight my nature of trying to make sense of everything and accept the life I never really owned until so recently only to find it already a mess I cannot seem to set straight!
If I were watching a movie, I’d feel sorry for the lead actress, but in real life, I resent self pity and it makes me want to struggle harder to do the exact things I should not be doing.
My only alternative otherwise is to stop wanting to live, lose hope and wait for the day I die; because waiting for the day you live is just like waiting for the day you die, only dying is more guaranteed.
All I want to is to live, doing a few of the things I want so that when my time comes I can say I did at least one thing my way! But it looks like living is a luxury I simply can’t afford, and ironically, neither can I afford dying!
I hope B is not reading this; he’d be disappointed at me for not living up to my potential!! Turns out that my potential is among the rest of the things that are simply overrated!
Can I sleep all this out?
Will you wake me up when it’s my birthday to remind me that one more year was wasted for the sake of God knows what! Just if you do, tuck me back in to sleep off one more year. After all, what's a year? Only another thing that's overrated.