April 21, 2009


He said “you don’t get it, it’s not my place to make any decisions; if you think about it, nothing is up to me to do for the time being

I said “I understand, strangely enough, it is my decision but I can’t seem to make anything happen, at least not to my liking!

He laughed “my point exactly!

I said nothing.

I hate it when someone is that right...

I hate it even more when I am finally capable of making up my mind only to be forced to keep it to myself until it’s time.

B tells me I should learn to be patient and that patience is my ultimate lesson if anything!

B tells me to stop rushing everything and learn to sit back and live each day at a time instead of wasting my present hoping for a future that may not bring me the happiness I anticipate.

B tells me to pray for whatever is good for me and to not label it because we humans never really know what’s best for us.

B is my Zen master, my religious friend who always sets me straight when my faith weakens.

B is also right!

Problem is...

It’s much simpler for everyone to see how all I can and should do is let go, have faith and stop trying to define and understand things that are just beyond me.

All of a sudden, I have to fight my nature of trying to make sense of everything and accept the life I never really owned until so recently only to find it already a mess I cannot seem to set straight!

If I were watching a movie, I’d feel sorry for the lead actress, but in real life, I resent self pity and it makes me want to struggle harder to do the exact things I should not be doing.

My only alternative otherwise is to stop wanting to live, lose hope and wait for the day I die; because waiting for the day you live is just like waiting for the day you die, only dying is more guaranteed.

All I want to is to live, doing a few of the things I want so that when my time comes I can say I did at least one thing my way! But it looks like living is a luxury I simply can’t afford, and ironically, neither can I afford dying!

I hope B is not reading this; he’d be disappointed at me for not living up to my potential!! Turns out that my potential is among the rest of the things that are simply overrated!

Can I sleep all this out?

Will you wake me up when it’s my birthday to remind me that one more year was wasted for the sake of God knows what! Just if you do, tuck me back in to sleep off one more year. After all, what's a year? Only another thing that's overrated.


Anonymous said...

That's the sadest truest thing!!! but just remember that life is short , no matter how long , it's still finite.

rabena yfok karbek .


insomniac said...


oh that i am constantly reminded of!


thanks dear

Innate_Inanenuss said...

I remember there was a time when u were promoting fear and thinkin of it as not so "bad a thing". Now, let me tell u this, there's never been a time in ur life when u needed to let go of ur fears and face them more badly than now. U won't ever live unless u do that...to live u must conquer and tread over them fears all...

Now u do really need some "recklessness" more than ever. Until then...life itself would continue to be overrated.

Sleep well.

insomniac said...

it's amazing how you pretend to understand things you can't even begin to grasp!!

and it's disturbing that you link this post to the one about fear; if anything, you proved that you didn't understand what i meant to say then and neither have you understood what i meant to say here!

if you had read enough into this blog to make a solid idea about my character, you'd know that i simply can't afford to be reckless because i have two lives depending on mine.... it's futile to explain because it's something instinctive to me even when i feel it the least, while to you it's nothing but mere words on a blog you stumble on from time to time....

your words and your advice cannot change who i am or how i feel about things, and they are far less effective when you make it sound like you know better when we both know that you don't!

well, at least you tried to be nicer, i give you that!

Innate_Inanenuss said...

mmm Well, first of all recklessness was in quotes for god's sakes...know what that means?!!! I didnt like tell u to jump off a building, did I?
I know yakhty that u have 2 souls hanging on to u...well ur not doing them much of a service by being the person u r now...

mmm, so I didnt understand this post or that one before about fear, huh?!! damn!!! n i thought my posts were hard. Plz leave what I understand and what I dont aside...leave that to me; u know nothing about that.

u think I tried to be nicer? thanks but well...ur still the same person --e7em *cough* coward- as before.

eih el 3o2ad deh?!!

insomniac said...

"yakhty"!!!!!! for someone who tries to show off by using big words, this is definitely not your moment!!!!!

and you obviously have no clue what kind of person i am, so don't strain your mind cells trying to make all the wrong guesses!!

your posts are hard because you lack the style and the tact to reach people without offending them... but then again, i never commented or attacked your blog, so i am pretty much leaving it to you... and i am honestly not interested to know anything about you, so get over yourself!

being called a coward is a compliment coming from you because your definitions seem to be skewed!

as for the 3o2ad, i am sure ur next comment will be a delightful demonstration on the real meaning of that....

behold blog readers, you will see some serious 3o2ad when innate decides to reply to this comment, unless of course he's a healthy person who chooses to take the high road and ignore a coward like me!! oh well...

Innate_Inanenuss said...

I didn't want to attack ur blog...I admit that i like many of its posts.
I even liked this one, it urged me to comment. U can c i like these kinda posts that tackle feelings.

Akeed also I didn't mean to offend you...excuse me if i did...wasn't intentional. It's not like I say 'hey am gonna now comment and let's offend this person'. Nay.

I just thought that fear and promoting it & seein it as a good thing can not coexist peacefully with the burning desire to live in a person...it'll immediately cause many inner conflicts.

Yea, am trying to be nicer...whatever!!!