Those were drawn through three visits to Dr. M (one amazing man!), but I didn’t get to discuss them with him until earlier this week. Although those were not discussed in the same order, I’d rather discuss them in the same order I drew them.
01- A Weekend, around a month ago with baby sis… I was not even in that much distress; I thought it was a skewed drawing of a tulip!
Dr. M.: This reveals too much pain and agony*silence* This looks like *pause*an abortion! *looks at me* Suffering and trauma like one feels due to an abortion! Are you ok? Is it true?
Me: *smiling* la walahy, da I was in a good mood 7atta! That’s a tulip!!!!
02- Same day as 01… I love the moon and the night and it was all I felt like drawing. There are black edges but the paper was too big to fit into the scanner! It was the first one she held after looking at all the other stuff and wondering if they were all drawn by the same person!
Her Suggestion: This says it all, *pointing at the other drawings* it wraps up all those. She has hope, but she’s surrounded by too much darkness; she keeps surrendering
Dr. M: No, it’s fake hope, or a wish for something better and brighter, you painted it white, you didn’t just leave the original white of the paper; you want certain kind of things. Did you start with the white or the black?
Me: White
Dr. M.: *smile* you want too much but it keeps hitting you hard, the darkness until it fades to black; you feel desperate too often after being too optimistic!
Me: *laughing* yeah it starts with white, then te3’ma2, then teswad, eswed eswed eswed!!!
03- Same Day… I was wasting my time; it started out as a butterfly and ended to look this way!
Dr. M: This is so dead! It looks lively and colorful, but it’s too dead, it barely has any life within. It’s only held together by a spiritual bond.
Later during our talk he said: so this is why your “butterfly” is so dead; you seem to have it all, the life a lot of people want, but no one knows your marriage is ending, has been ending for two years now, no one knows about your daily struggle with those you communicate with on daily basis and the responsibility that burden you day and night…
04- Was drawn two weeks ago, I went to get interpretations on the previous ones and I felt like I needed to get a glimpse on what was in my head due to the pressures I knew were coming my way. I needed insights and I needed help…
Her Suggestion: *pointing at the orange circle and lines and their yellow shadow* That’s her, right? She’s trying to find peace but she’s not able to reach for it; mesh wasla lel ard? We elly foo2 de mashakel we 7agat bedaye2ha, attacking?
Dr. M: *nodding*
05- I scribbled it while talking to my friend and waiting for our turn. I got a call from mama and decided to give her hair, something to do to get my anger out!
06- I drew that on the same day I went; I was sitting at the office overwhelmed and I decided to go to the Art Therapy that day, so did my drawings right then to save time…
Her Suggestion: *about #06* that’s her, she only sees half of things, the half that upsets her, she’s too focused on it *pause* or perhaps she wants to take a peak of something*about #07* That’s definitely drawn on a different day…
Dr. M: Definitely! She wants to yell in anger, 3ayza tesrokh *about #05* hena heya confused, shakka fe 7aga we mesh 3arfa heya e, she’s worried and curious and does not trust what she’s being given…
07- I wanted to put it all in one place, the green felt like bad stuff as I drew them, like poisonous weeds! I know I wanted the sun, I drew it first!
Her suggestion: *pointing at the red blob*that’s her; she’s bleeding, she’s in too much pain, she’s silent *pause* she’s in the darkness, but she strongly hopes for the sun and the clear skies*looking at me* your tendency to hope is amazing! I miss that feeling hoping for something and telling myself it will be good the way you keep doing! *pointing at the green* see it will all be good, you know it in your heart…
Dr. M: But the green is superficial it’s on top of brown from the surface; it has no roots*looking at me* the brown is an abandoned place, you in a way, you need care and nourishing but you pretend to have it, only it’s on the surface; the green is not real, it’s not making you happy, walla eh?? El ard el teen de me7taga care we tetzere3?
Me: *laughing nervously* la2, 3agbany be tenha, I am fine without the care, I just need to be left alone, perhaps it would turn green on its own someday!
Her: but it’s a good feeling in general?
Dr. M: actually no *pausing* it’s too much to be put in one page; she’s contantly divived… law baseety lel soora 3ala ba3daha, te7esey ennaha te2eela 3al 2alb, mesh adra tetnafesy *looking at me* malek, eh elly khan2ek awy keda?!!
I almost cried right there!
08- Those were my thoughts as I was scribbling this… “I wish I were talented; I feel like I have a lot to express, but I am not talented enough to get it out the way I would want to” I was provoked and I was angry and I felt desperate. FYI, it was the second one discussed, the first one was the one with the mood (the bright spot with darkness all around)
Her suggestion: *asking me* do you play any instrument? *I shook my head* *she looked at him* She wants to scream, so loudly, in so many ways but she can’t! and there are voices that are driving her crazy and hurting her??
Dr. M: not just scream, she doesn’t want to scream about what’s really upsetting her; it’s indirect *looking at me* how true is that to you?
Me: *gasping* I was feeling the exact thing, I wish I screamed! And yes, I don’t want those who cause my anger to know how angry I really am but I can’t find an outlet! And I am being subjected to words of other people that get to me more than they should, I know but I can’t help it…
I sat there for three hours!
I don’t know why I’m sharing this!
I realize he didn’t exactly tell me things I didn’t know; but he managed to understand what I did not say and validate it, I needed that.
He showed me that even when I was ok, I actually thought I was; I was just piling it under hope. That’s why I keep relapsing from good moods back to bad ones.
He said something about starting to do something instead of just hoping, doing something to make my life better and more independent so that I can start being myself for a change.
He said I was full of extremes and it was exhausting to be me!
I don’t know why he insisted that I was mentally stable nonetheless!! At that particular point, I would have so much settled for “enty magnoona”!!!
5 comments:
I am so amazed at your ability to open to others who don't know your identity. You should move out from your parents house, have your own, start your own life, forget the old, embrace the new. The more you stay in the same environment the more you will prisoner of it. The Arab world is no friendly place for us.
Anon,
don't be :) it's because others do not know my identity that i can open up :)))
as for the moving out; it's the plan, but i need to do it right so that i won't fall back into my parents'...
wish me luck :) (shall i say fellow divorcee??)
Yes I am a fellow. I was where you are at few years ago, but I didn't take the time to heal; started a new life and brought the baggage from the old. I let the social pressure take over and didn't listen to the word of reason, the one coming from inside. I take solace in the fact that I have now a son who I love dearly but my new marriage is not working the way I'd dreamt it to be. Part of it, was the high expectations I had. I believe that healing will take a lifetime since part of us is there in the past and the new us needs to draw from it to keep on evolving. we don't only divorce from the other but we divorce from a piece of our own life. May be that's why it is so hard to bounce back if any.
Hang in there:) Your painting are beautiful
oh dear...
i completely agree than we leave a part of us when we leave the past behind...
i tell myself that the part i leave behind is not worthy of keeping... she was never me, i only thought she was because i was blinded...
i have no clue what to tell you about your marriage, but i trust you know best... i'm glad to know you have solace in your baby :) it's amazing how a smile from him can have such a healing power....
and thanks for calling them "paintings"! they are mere scribbling and childish drawing... only i manage to make a tulip look like "abortion"!!!
oh and i just realized i commented using my other identity!
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