November 6, 2008

It hurt…


I am not sure where this came from, but as I was driving home with both of my kids in the backseat when this conversation took place….


Beem: mommy…
Me: na3am ya beem
Beem: (pointing at a Toyota) heya el 3arabeya de eeh?
Me: esmaha ToYoTa ya beem
Beem: heya beta3et meen?
Me: beta3et uncle elly saye2ha…
Beem: ana 3ayez arkabha
Me: mmm, bas e7na mane3rafsh uncle da a beem (thinking to myself, he’s almost got into all the car brands we bump into except Toyota, how perceptive!)
Beem: ana 3ayez arkabha ma3 pappy
Me: (WHAT!!!) bet2ool eh ya beem?
Beem: 3ayez arkab Toyota ma3 pappa! Pappa Ahmed, howa bey7ebeny wana ba7ebo we harkab ma3ah…
Me: (WHAT WHAT WHAT!!!! Think of something, QUICKLY!) bas bas ya beem pappa masmoosh ahmad!
Beem: la2 pappa esmo ahmed, ana 3ayez pappy ahmad…
Me: ya 7abeeby walahy masmoosh ahmad! Pappa esmo (my x’s name, obviously not ahmad), mesh enta esmak (his full name)… yeb2a pappy esmo (my x’s name)…
Beem: howa 3ando 3arabeya eh
Me: mesh 3arfa ya beem… tab enta mesh beterkab ma3aya fe 3arabeety, we beterkab ma3 geddo fe 3arabeeto we ma3 agga fe 3arabeetha we goody fe 3arabeetha, enta zehe2t wala eh!!
Beem: ana harkab ma3 Geddo 3arabeya Toyota
Me: (relieved he stopped referring to his dad) ok, hanshoof el mawdoo3 da ma3 geddo
Beem: (coming closer to me while driving, within my reach to hug my right arm) ana ba7ebek awy ya mommy…
Me: ana ba7ebak aktar….


OUCH!!! Who the hell is “pappy ahmad”??! I couldn’t see the road clearly and I started feeling like I was about to bump into the sidewalk with the dizziness i felt!



Later right before having lunch at home…


Me: yalla ya beem ta3ala 3ashan takol ma3aya
Beem: ana ha2akel nafsy
Me: tab ma 2a2akelak ana 3ashan matwasakhsh nafsak
Beem: bas ana kebeer
Me: tayeb ok, hat2akel nafsak bas el kebeer mesh yewa2a3 3ala nafsoh
Beem: ana hakbar tany lessa?
Me: (smiling) ah taba3an, hatekbar lessa in sha2 Allah
Beem: we hageeb 3arabeya Toyota kebeeeeraaaa
Me: (smiling even more) in sha2 Allah
Beem: we hakhaly geddo yerkab ma3aya feeha
Me: (on the verge of tears, and my voice choking) enta gameel awy ya beem, yala ba2a ta3ala kol
Beem: malek ya mommy?
Me: (running in his direction, and making a funny tone) ana hagy aklak 3ashan mesh takol akly
Beem: la2 ana hakol el akl kolo…


And we ate!


How does this kid come up with all those thoughts and ideas and puts them in words? And what’s with the Toyota obsession??!!

More importantly, what do I tell him when he starts focusing more on the fact that he’s missing a father? It hurt like hell when he said “ana 3ayez pappy ahmad” and “howa bey7ebeny”! he’s missing a love he never even received from my idiot of an x. moments like these make me resent my x much much more than I already do. I can only quote my own dad “A7MAQ”!!


14 comments:

jessyz said...

Awww :-( can I give you a virtual hug.

Anonymous said...

I wonder why he doesn't care to visit the kids or even take them out?? why why why?? :(

Try to talk to him about it..for your kids of course.

R

insomniac said...

jessy :)

thanks dear, hug appreciated :D


R,

some Why's are forever left unanswered, mostly because there is no good enough reason...

u think whatever i say to him will set him straight?! if a person does not have it in him to long for his own kids, nothing i can say will change that... my kids deserve better than a father who needs me to bring his attention to things everyone seems to see clearly, except him!

i just hope it shapes them the right way.

Ma 3lina said...

Ouch !! I think u should show him a pic of his dad or something and explain his name again..

Do u huv any relative called ahmed that he likes or somthng ??asl eshm3na ahmed pappy y3ni

karim said...

i don't know what i say but takecare of your son mind and fellings

insomniac said...

ma 3alina,

we had the "papa's name" talk, and he figured it out because he's been saying nothing but his full name for a while.... i don't need to show him a photo, at least not now...

the ahmad's i know are not confusing figures to him, i guess ahmad is the father of one of the kids at the nursery... God it felt like one of those cheesy egyptian movies!


karim,

yep, my sons are on the top of my list, thanks for stopping by :)

silent observer said...

:( OUCH!

well I drive a toyota, I could give him a ride if that helps :)

Geddo Iskandar said...

3ala fekra what happened hit my mind before (more than once) - i'm not sure if i mentioned it or not :S

Inso, khody balek eno law delwa2ty sahl enek tehraby men elas2ela de aw tagydelha answers - very soon el 2as2ela 7atkon as3ab ... he's very smart mashallah , w lessa el shama7tagy el so3`ayar ... 7aytla3 smart aktar wa 2aktar ...

ely 3awez 2a2olo eno w 3ala el ra3`m men el wad3 el 7aly - the father should know that beem is starting to identify people & develop feelings - lazem t3arafyh enek 2amam moftaraq toro2 ... ya yezhar fe 7ayathom as a father ya tebtedy twaghyhom by ure answers that he's not avalible 2abl el wad3 ma yatafaqam w yebtedy yshakelohom "gar7" men no3 ma ...

law 2akhadty b nasy7ty fa ana afadel enek teb3atyloh mail bel kalam da ... tell him about that chat u had with beem ... 2edylo forsa eno ytsaraf sa7 for the sake of the children & note that this has nothing to do with u ...

mosh 3aref eza kant nase7ty de sa7 wala 3`alat, bas da ra2yey ... bardo 7`ody ra2y ure father - da mawdo3 lazem ye3rafo w yfakar m3aky fyh :)

Frustrated said...

Bossi, akeed akeed kan el 7ewar da 7aie7sal b shakl aw b a7'ar now or later. El fekra en beem ma7asesh aslan e7sas el ab zai manti 2olti, w i think en geddo bei3awado 3ano!! eli howa eah, 7ob, 7'of, beigeblo kol eli 3aizo, bielga2lo law 7asal conflict bainek w baino,...keda ya3ni. bas fadel bas el mosama, da geddo w da papa!! yemken yekoon asdo a7mad a7'oia aw ai 7ad fel 7adana......w belnesba l ra2i geddo iskandar, he might be right in some aspect bas el moshkela en your "X" b wad3o el 3akli momken yekarkeb el mawadee3 aktar maheia 7aleian!! w bel nesba l mawdoo3 papa da, it's ok, the answer is ready: "papa msafer" & when he occasionally appears )if he evr does), then papa is here for you & then he is leaving again. GOD bless your father & GOD help you with both of them

insomniac said...

silent observer,

you'r so sweet :) he'd love it, he'd love you for it and he'd keep asking for you whenever he sees a toyota :)


geddo & frustrated,

yeah, i know both of them are too smart for my arguing skills... and beem has that sweetness when he's asking beyewga3ny!

bos ya geddo, kalamak kolo sa7, wana 3arfah we fahmah (ma3 en nosso bel fos7a!!)... things is, u may not know how true it is, but their father does not care, that plain and simple... giving him an ultimatum would only make him think he has leverage on me and use the kids to negotiate... it's a cheap attempt that he would do, and i would never allow him not because of my pride issue, but rather because my kids will get hurt in the process...

do u think a normal person would abandon his kids that way? do u think someone who did that would respond to reason?? i used to think it could work, but i learned the hard way....

and like frustrated said, i can always say papa mesafer... until he decides to get more involves, law nadag we 7as 3ala dammo ya3ne...

also like frustrated said, my son does not miss the concept because my dad is a great father figure.... he misses el esm, because he sees me calling my dad "baba" and i think we can work around this...

God bless my dad indeed.

The.I.inside said...

that's so sad, the ahmed thing, since he doesn't know his dad he just went to the daddy figure he liked most and you'll find that he (ahmed whoever he is) drives a Toyota.
but i think as un-lucky as he is to get such a stupid a$$ Jerk of a father, he's lucky to get you as a mother, especially that you have a good support system

insomniac said...

well, my beem has always had a car obsession... he knew our car brands at a very early age and he would point at each brand saying "zay beta3et geddo" or "zay beta3et mommy" etc.. i remember him even relating most of my friends with their cars even if he had only seen them once, hee'd remember their names just because he remembers the car brand, which i really found impressive for a kid under 2 back then!!

the ahmeds we know do not have toyotas, i think a friend at the nursery was having the which car daddy has and he sorta figured that he only has geddo for a male figure in his life, fa he decided to borro his friend's....

trust me, he'd forget all about the ahmed and keep nagging about the toyota :) i love his short attention span, it's selective :)

and yeah, i'm lucky i have that support system...

Marwa Rakha said...

Woman! I can't get off your blog and I am crying now!!!

What a jerk!!!! I have come across his type so many times and people like that just make me sick!!!

What kind of a man is he ... so vain ... so full of shit ... and he is missing out on his kids big time .... this is the best punishment ... he will never have a second chance at being a father for the first time or a father for the second time ... he missed it!!

insomniac said...

marwa,

i'm sorry you're crying... i really am! i don't mean to post those things to make people cry girl! i just vent them out because i can't live with them unsaid...

as for him, i sort of find peace knowing that it's his loss if he chooses to let go of those cuties, because i know they will turn into obnoxious teenage boys at some point and he would have missed out on those amazing years and he'll have to deal with nothing but indifference if not resentment... it's really his choice!

hope u'd catch a more cheered up post in this depression hole of a blog