October 18, 2007

Trying so hard to remain positive here…

There was a time I would have gotten angry; I promise, you would have almost seen fire in my eyes and smoke coming out of my ears…

I would have cursed and cursed, kicked the floor, and then broke into angry tears when I found that my anger is not changing a thing…

And when I had gotten just a little bit less angry, I would have started thinking “WHY do bad things happen to good people? Why do assholes always get their way?” (questions that led to serious faith crisis at a time)… I would keep asking myself that without any real answers, probably because the question wasn’t well structured to start with…

I would have even promised not to be good if that meant I would have my way… (I have actually proven that I am a complete failure when it comes to being mo’zeya)…

Those were my angry times… when I used to get angry at all my surroundings and even myself… I still get angry, I do… I think I just learned how to control it for I have come very close to knowing why wrath is one of the seven deadly sins… Anger IS dangerous… it cost me too many things, but I think it cost me things I didn’t really have to begin with.

There is more to the angry me, I just think it needs more space… and I am not ready to disclose that much for now…

NOW… when the same things that used to make me angry happen, I remember what my uncle once told me when I asked him how to manage my anger “say: a3otho b’Ellah men al shytan el rajeem, etwaddy we sally, ala be thekr Ellah tatma’en al koloob”… sometimes I am in a situation where I can’t pray at the very moment, so I keep saying du’aa and mean them….

Back in my angry days, I would have told myself that mere du’aa words will not take away the injustice, but now I think I know better… I think I needed to have more faith to believe that there is a reason things like that happen, and that they will take the time God intends for them to take, and all I have to do is keep my faith, be patient (a virtue that I am trying so hard to learn), and do my best not to do or say things that would make me less deserving of whatever good that awaits me…

I tell myself that whatever unfairness I may be subjected to is well deserved for all the angry times, I tell myself that if that’s the way I would make up with God, then I am willing to take it… a good friend of mine once told me “enty rabena beyeghselek, so khody thawab and be patient, it is worth it… being patient is hard, you know el sabr morr; this is why esmo sabr, from sabbar… don’t worry, it will be over soon, just khody thawab el sabr until it is”… thank you friend.

So now, with all that is to come, I tell myself this: he cannot harm me… he can try, and I may think he did for a while for he will gloat about it and probably even celebrate it… for a while… until all my dues are paid I guess… but I believe I will not lose, I will not lose the things that matter, for since I have come to my senses, I have only acted with good intent and that can never go unrewarded… I may not be able to see the reward, but if I can’t see it, I won’t let myself be blinded again by the injustice I may feel.

Let this be something for me to read over and over when it gets tougher and harder to handle, for I know it will… I won’t hide my fears; I will face them, and I will try to be patient… I will keep reminding myself that life isn’t unfair; we make it that way when we are unfair to one another and to ourselves, so I will remain fair and I will stick to whatever values I have…

On another note, this should have been my 5 year anniversary… bala kheiba :)



October 18, 2007

11 comments:

الشنكوتي الكبير said...

At first I was shocked with all that anger in your words
But thank God I found you are more wiser than I thought
Good luck dear and make sure that God will repay you, as you never expected
واسألي واحد مجرب قوي الحكايه دي
سلاااااااااااااااااااااااااااام

oceaneyes said...

in each word i felt afraid ..i was scared ...i couldnt believe that someone like u has so much anger !!!

...

just the idea of being angry means that u care ..

but thank god that u know ur way ..and u r not lost ..

...

insomniac said...

thaksfor your words shankooty

oe, my anger was not thee scary type of anger, it was the pathetic kind that would make ppl shake their heads and wish me better mental health... thx for ur words :)

OLA said...

I'm proud of you!! yes i'm.
All the anger in ur words is a healthy sign, i mean how couldn't u b angry after all of this?!
But do u know why am i proud of u?? because i can feel the changes in ur personality, u r calmer, more patient with much more faith al7amdolillah. Hang on my dear & u'll pass all these soon isa.
Also remember that u have a friend who is less than 300 Kilometer away who is willing 2 listen & help at anytime:)

insomniac said...

LOL ola, the anger i was talking about was not the healthy anger u like... and it wasn't because of just that, it was repressed anger from since i was a teenager due to so many other things that now sound less annoying... i tried to express that before in my diary of an angry pregnant woman (remember??) i should have completed that when i was still that angry...

anyways, i am not that angry anymore alhamdulilah, yes i get healthy angry every now and then due to current event, beats getting depressed :))

and ola, i have always been a great personality (LOL), walla eh?? e7na 3eela 3azima we motawad3een fe akhla2na (LOOOOOOL)... (don't make your friend R read that, 7aram, heya tayeba, matestahelsh 7ar2 el damm da)...

seriously tho, i know i have changed into a calmer person, but it's basically because i am becoming more accepting of how ppl are, i no longer care about changing ppl to my liking... so i just ignore the things i don't like about those i like..... that's the reason why i am calmer!!

we leeh 300 km, fe cell phones ya3ne, wala lazem neshoof ba3d... and u still owe me a visit btw!! thanks for the support cousin :)))

NOTE: for those who find my comment too informal, Ola is my cousin who's been following my blog and being all supportive and great about it, especially that she did not mention any of my blog's contents to other family members. Thanks O.

Nora said...

it is great to find something that helps make it hurt less. Patience is a virtue and it is hard.. but so is acceptance, and it seems you have mastered that one!
I hope it gets easier for you...

Will E. said...

I guess sometimes we have to be angry and test ourselves so that we have better control.. i'm letting myself be angry these days.. hopefully i can remedy that.

hurricane_x said...

takfeer zonoob..
u know, when I think that way, I mean when facing problems, I'm somehow relieved, knowing that God will reward me in a way I'll never imagine. And that's what we all should do.
Of course I have my moments of weakness, but that's what eventually relieves me.
But ANGER is what I can't get rid of till now!

insomniac said...

thanks Nora, and right back you girl :D

Will, angry!! you!!!!!! would love to read something on ur blog about that :))) embrace it until it's over :)

Hurricane, exactly takfeer zonoob it is, it kinda makes you more willing to endure it! anger is very hard to get rid of, i KNOW :)))) rabena ma3ana kolena

ZeRoCoOl said...

channel that energy to rise above all that pulls you down..Do it for yourself and the little one..

insomniac said...

zero, i am.... i am kinda feeling better these days alhamdulilah although it's far from over!

Thanks...