October 8, 2007

Nostalgia

Yesterday was just bad! It wasn’t just because I went out with him along with the kids to buy some stuff and pretend we’re family, not because I planned on being sweet and nice and had to deal with his bad attitude which lead to the never ending argument on whose responsibility it was that the marriage ended, and not even because he wanted me to sign a paper stating that I have in my possession most of my belongings.

I guess it was mostly because when it was time to go home, my little beano kept crying and saying “babaa”, and started pushing me away when I tried to hold him explaining that it was time to go home to daddoo and nannaa with mamma and even offered him candy to let go of his father. It was heartbreaking. It was also over whelming that I got in the car and started crying. I am ashamed to say I cried, very ashamed; I just couldn’t help it though.

At that particular moment I kept remembering how everything went down and started blaming him in my head. He got in the car with my son and told me he’d take him for the rest of the day and bring him home later that day, I just couldn’t! I mean at first I said it was ok, but I couldn’t bring myself to give him the back pack and send him off just like that!! So I insisted my son would come with me despite his crying and told the husband that he was to learn sooner or later that he belongs with me and that home is where I am. Was it cruel? Perhaps. Perhaps it was selfish of me to want my son to be with me and get that upset when he wants to spend time with his dad instead. I guess I am not that prepared for the consequences of divorce after all!!

I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy the rest of the day. I went home and crashed in bed hoping my terrible headache would go away. Instead, I had disturbed sleep and a more painful headache. Not just that, I had to get dressed again to have iftar at my aunt’s whom I love and all, but I’ve been having some issues with lately, let alone that every one in my family except uncle G and cousin O thinks that the husband is on some business trip, so they keep asking how he is and when he’s expected back and I reply with lies that I no longer care if they add up together.

Anyways, while we were there at my aunt’s, there was that commercial where they played the music of a Souad Massi song called “rooh ya zaman” (I think). So my sister kept squeezing her brain out, trying to remember which album the song was in until she finally did (aren’t you so proud, sis?). So on our way home we played Souad Massi’s album: Mesk El Lil.

A couple of streets away from home, as the song was about to start since I insisted on listening to the whole album and not just skip to the song. So I asked my two sisters if they were up for a ride in the beautiful empty streets of Maadi right before midnight until the song is played, and they agreed.

I drove by my best friend’s place, saw her car parked where she had left it right before she moved to the states two months ago. Looked at her apartment and noticed that her mom was out although her car was parked next to D’s car. It got really nostalgic. I remembered how D’s dad used to take us for late night rides whenever we got too restless to study. He would take us out in Maadi and sometimes even up to Mokkatam where we’d play our favorite songs and sing along until we got too tired to study so, then he would just drive me home or let D stay for the night.

I miss her. I could go on and on forever about how much I miss her, and I won’t say enough, so I will just stop there.

I think I will call her dad later today to check on him, then I will call her probably later today to tell her how her dad is and talk for a while about whatever (yep, we do make meaningless distance calls to say things like “so, eh el akhbar?” and spend a few minutes silent simply because there is nothing new to say).

I miss being 13 again and spending all my day at school with her only to go back home and have her over later the same day in a failed attempt to study. Life was much simpler then; yet somehow we managed to think it was complicated and have our own dramas over the silliest of things like how controlling my parents were (and still are) and how she could get that guy she had a crush on to notice that she was interested. We had no idea things would get really complicated I guess!


October 8, 2007


8 comments:

Adrasteia said...

beano will understand when he's older-- i'm sure you've been told that and you know that but i just felt like maybe you needed to hear it again.

ex hubby sounds icky, paperwork around the kids?! what is that?

and i completely relate to the long distance 'eh el akhbar' silent conversations. those weren't my memories but i feel so nostalgic just reading them :)

as always, you're very sweet

insomniac said...

yeah, i need to constantly remind myself of that...

you should have seen the list of documents he wanted me to sign, and did i mention the one i signed that states that he can remarry all he wants?

thanks for the sweet comment, it made me smile right after i finished my new post, i needed to smile :) thanks sweetie :))

Ma-3lina said...

Heart Breaking post !!

insomniac said...

it wasn't meant to be heartbreaking, i guess i wrote it when i was still feeling heartbroken though

Maat said...

:(
i feel nostalgic to last year and the year before... how sad is that?!!!!
and yeaaah... i'm proud ;)

i love this post!

insomniac said...

nothing wrong with nostalgia... be proud all you want maat

Deeeeeee said...

Its really good to be nostalgic every once in a while, to remember, good people, good times and say el7amdulellaah about them ever existing. Your post actually made me tear up! Be strong no matter what, I'm sure you're up to it!And always remember that you'll only get what you're destined to get and what you can handle!لا يكلف الله نفسا إلا وسعها

insomniac said...

thanks Dee for the kind words and welcome to my blog :)

hey, i did call D's dad and he was delighted to hear my voice which made me tear up!!