Mixed emotions

It got ugly.

I cried, I begged, I prayed, and then I cried some more… he felt his strength and he was stupid to push even more…

I tried to sleep, but instead, I hallucinated for a couple of hours -if not less- until my dad walked in the room and asked me to join him in the living room…

As I was waking up, the vibration of my cell phone disturbed me again, it was him… I answered… he asked why I haven’t been answering the past hours I said “ta’bana” in a very exhausted voice… he said “we lama enty mesh ad fighting with me, why do u do it… don’t you get it, you will only get hurt”… I found nothing to say, what’s the point anyway!!

My dad walked in again, asked me if it was him, I nodded, he said in a voice loud enough for him to hear “hang up with him, mafeesh kalam khalas, feeh mahakem, howa daya’ forset el zoo2”… I hesitated, and then hung up…

I am scared… this is a desperate man, he wants to cause harm, and for all I care he is capable of it… not necessarily by actions, words cause more harm, at least to me… and his words, well they scar me… it’s hard to admit, but they do… they will keep echoing in my head till I go insane or something…

Why did he push so hard? Why does it seem like he wants to break me? I don’t care what he does with his life; I just want him out of mine… I am tired…

Now two days have passed, and I am not to answer any of his calls… and boy does he keep calling…

Every time I hear his ring tone (khasara 3aleik for Souad Massi), my stomach clenches… I silence the phone. All my system blocks for a while; my eyes get blurry and my head gets clouded with thoughts and I shake my head so hard but my neck kinda hurts. Actually my physical state sucks these days, I even started having those marks I get when I am upset… great!!!

I feel too many emotions; hate, fear, anger, resentment, anxiety, helplessness, weakness, restlessness… and now as I read his more polite / less offensive messages I feel pity!!

Yes, I feel sorry for him (despite the strong hate and anger)… I feel sorry because I can no longer have any good feelings for him… I feel sorry I will no longer talk myself into forgiving him for he wasted all the chances I tried giving…

He mistook my kindness for weakness, and I am no longer capable of being kind; it’s out of my hands now… I am scared of what will come, I really am!