October 8, 2007

I will only say it once

I didn’t want to answer the phone for I knew I would lose control and cry if you made me.

The only reason I talked to you on msn was because I promised I would let you contact me for the kids’ sake, and I was stupid to think you wouldn’t be able to make me cry on msn… u did, good for you.

So now after exiting msn, I will allow myself to say all the things I will not dare say out loud for the sake of both of my kids because I promised I will not badmouth you to them, and unlike you, I do keep my promises.

I hate you. Yes, I tried so much to avoid feeling that way, but I do.

I hate how you make me cry every time you start talking about what a terrible wife I’ve been… the reason it gets to me, is that at a time I believed it, and as it turns out, it was one more lie you made me believe…

I hate you for repeating over and over all the things you’ve “done for me”, when it was only your job as a husband to do them… yet somehow you forget all the things I went out of my way to do for you… does it not embarrass you that I never mention them our of good manners? Would it make a difference if I kept repeating them? Well, the only reason I never do is because I think mentioning them would diminish them.

I hate how you project all your mistakes on me, and say that I did them…

I hate how you would never take the blame for any of it; it’s always someone else’s fault, preferably me, or someone else otherwise, but never you!!

I hate hating you, I don’t want to waste any feelings on you to begin with, all I want is to be able to say your name or think of you without flinching or fighting that bitter feeling I may get when I remember all the bad things…

I numbed myself for a while so that you wouldn’t let hating you get under my skin the way it does, but somehow you found ways to let it back in; it could be because I let you, but it doesn’t matter now.

I try so hard to hold on to the peace of mind I seem to feel now that I am away from you, but then I have to deal with you and in one second it all goes away, even when I pretend to keep my cool.

Don’t you get it, I am literally forcing myself to be the bigger person here… trying so hard to make up all excuses for your behavior and say that it will be over and that it’s my part not to make it any worse than it already is, but you mess with my brain and try my patience and leave me nothing but lost temper and overflowing tears…

I hate crying… my dad goes mad when he sees me crying and knows that you probably saw my tears, he keeps yelling at me saying that I should be proud enough and not let you see my tears… don’t you get it? I don’t care anymore who sees those tears… I let them out in hopes of letting all the negative energy out as well, I no longer care if anyone sees them if it means I’m cleansing my soul from all the shit that’s inside…

You know what else I hate? I hate that I wish you’d die… yes, sometimes I do… I was surprised to hear myself say that to a friend… but the way I saw it, it was a lot simpler than that, your death would make it easier for me to tell our kids there dad was a good guy and they would never deal with you to find out… it would mean that my troubles are over, no strings attached…

But when my anger and hate subside, and when I am finally calm and peaceful again, I tell myself that I can’t really blame you for who you are, sometimes when I am extra peaceful, I wish you well!! I tell myself, he’s a lost soul and perhaps some of those days he’ll be found….

But I think what I really want for you is to know and fully realize what you’ve done, to truly understand the consequences of your actions and acknowledge your part in all that… I want you to know what it’s like to lose someone who loves you and not be able to make it better, I know it stinks, for I lost something I never really had and it did hurt, so real loss should hurt more… may be then, you would understand why I was not able to forgive you and give me a break for a change…

Until then, stop getting on my nerves, stop making me cry and stop hurting me any further, I really don’t wanna keep on hating you… you’re not worth it.


October 8, 2007


5 comments:

Epitaph said...

YOu're strong, dear! I know you are! and that you'll pass the storm and have full grip over it again! and turn a new leaf!

be happy!!

Cognition-sense said...

You should stay the way you are (minus) all that negative energy, you're graceful the way you are..

It's okay to despise, I respect you because you know how to despise.

keep strong the way u r.

insomniac said...

epi, it's strange how i felt no strength writing that! i keep telling myself it will be over and i really believe it, i just worry about the effect it will have on my life i guess.

cs, thanks a lot for the kind words, i didn't expect anyone to tell me i was graceful, not on this post anyway. is there a way one should despise??

thanks for visiting, keep coming :)

Maat said...

"soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name..." - Alanis Morissette

;)

insomniac said...

problem is i think i am all grown up, when will i stop flinching? yeah i was thinking of the same song btw...