October 9, 2007

Just to sum things up…

“I am a lousy person; I am too opinionated and I am blunt about it for any guy to handle, let alone a husband. I am provocative in a way that I can tell when someone is lying, yet I choose to let them know I am on to them rather than let it slide and pretend it never happened. I am also too stubborn, and when I am right I get even more stubborn and refuse to compromise; it’s all or nothing, even if I end up with nothing.”

This is how I wrecked my marriage, they say.

“A wise woman should never let her husband know that she’s on to him; she should keep a mask face and pretend to be the weaker one, but she must know that it’s her responsibility to be the strong one who makes the marriage work. She should wake up early in the morning, prepare breakfast, be all smiley and shiny and wish her husband a good day at work, until he’s back, she is to clean up, prepare a nice meal and think of more things she can do to make him a happy happy person when he’s back. When he’s back home, she should welcome him warmly, if he’s grumpy, she should not bother him more, she should let him be if he’d rather be alone or try to cheer him up if he could use some cheering up. She should never complain the he doesn’t spend time with her, who needs men anyways?! Yet somehow, if he asks her to join him and his friends out, she should make him proud by looking nice, speaking intellectually; however, without making him sound less intellectual.”

I won’t say I did it all, I learned how to cook his favorite meals (including Daany that I can’t even stand its smell), cleaned up as much as I could (I am a messy person by nature), used to prepare him whatever little surprise I could think of on daily basis, ran to the door for a daily welcome-back hug, left him for hours with his pc when he did not want to be interrupted, and sat and heard him through when he needed to vent. When we went out I made him proud; his friends never complained about me being a drag or them having to act in a certain way because of me. I did however complain I never spent enough time. I did complain about spending the whole day home alone since most of my friends were also busy with their lives.

“You should have kids you know; once you do, they will keep you busy.”

But I did not want kids, I thought 21 was too young to be a mother. I thought I was a child myself and the responsibility of being married had secretly overwhelmed me and scared the crap out of me. I wanted to have kids when I was ready for it, not to fill my time.

“Well, you should work then, work will build character and will show you that there is more to the world than being home waiting for your hubby. You will earn your own money and it will feel much better than getting your allowance”

So I worked. It was my first job away from my father and his company. I made friends at work easily, and learned how to do my job fast enough that my trainer and my supervisor were impressed. Work was 40 minutes away from home on an average day, yet I didn’t complain until I found that I started slacking at home. No more warm daily meals, no more fancy things to work on, just the weekly clean up and two home cooked meals at most. Did not get any complains in that matter though.

Two years passed that way and I had no clue he missed the meals because every time I apologized for it and asked him if he wanted me to quit so that he can have things the way they were, he smiled and said it was ok and we were both happy. We’d stop at each other’s offices for a surprise lunch or drink. He’d come on my birthday and I would take the day off for his birthday. Everyone I knew, including me believed I had the perfect marriage and the most understanding and supportive husband.

I got pregnant, I thought I was ready and he was eager to be a daddy. He was doing his masters meanwhile, and both of our jobs were stable. Pregnancy sucked for that matter, I did not suffer from nausea; I just wanted to sleep all the time and got terrible headaches when I couldn’t. As it turned out, I am hypertensive and I had to deal with it until the first trimester was over, then I was on medication that didn’t help much anyways.

I could no longer handle pressure at work; started losing my temper all the time and I remember I even yelled at a colleague whom I really liked for trying to cheer me up. Eventually, I made the decision of quitting to rest at home and prepare myself and my surrounding for the new comer since I wanted to be a stay-home mommy anyways.

I was six months pregnant when his dad died. I was there every minute of his day so that he would talk to me if he needed to. Instead of staying home and trying to rest like the doctor said, I used to drive him everywhere because I was afraid he’d drive on his own. I used to wait for him in the car in the midst of June when I couldn’t join. I even agreed to leave my home, which I pretty much loved and move with his grandma and his aunt so that he wouldn’t spend hours driving back and forth when they need him. I spent my last month of pregnancy packing and unpacking, sitting in an empty apartment as it was being maintained to embarrassed to sit in a comfy way and had to suffer from swollen ankles and backaches. I never complained.

I gave birth and had to deal with his I-am-all-freaked-out-because-I-am-a-daddy-now, he would spend nights with me in the hospital seeing how I couldn’t breathe, and tell me that I am making a big deal out of it and that a c-section is meant to be easier than natural birth.

I had to do further surgeries once my son turned 6 months since my troubles breathing and painful stomachaches were due to gall bladder stones, not me faking pain for more attention as he suggested. My doctor asked him how he did not notice that I was in that much pain for six months, he said I barely complained once the pain was gone.

I have to say that all through the time since I moved to his family’s (two days before my c-section), I barely cooked since it was either my son or my pain or my cleaning up the little space I had. It was his aunt who did the cooking and I would try to help by doing grocery shopping when I was out or do some minor things in the kitchen to make it easier for her.

Shortly after my surgery, I was chatting on his laptop with a childhood friend who lives abroad and she kept talking about her private life, so after finishing up with her, I though I would delete the chat log to make sure no secrets would be out. I found his own chat log with his girlfriend whom he’d known all through my pregnancy.

I called him in tears and asked him to tell me the truth. He came home and started yelling at me for looking through his files and using his laptop to begin with. He tried to tell lies but couldn’t; every lie he made fell apart against my logic. He finally confessed and I cried a lot more.

He begged me to not leave. He knew I would. I thought I would. For some reason I didn’t. He said he’d do whatever I want if it’s a divorce I wanted and that he would never force me to live with him if I no longer wanted; however, if I decided to stay he would do whatever it took to make it up to me. I kept crying not knowing what to do. I thought it was easy to walk away, but I chose not to. I loved him, yet I couldn’t forgive him.

It went downhill from there. He could always see that look in my eyes, even when I smiled, even when we joked about anything. In our fights, I tried never to bring it up, but sometimes he just had it coming saying all the things that would give me no choice but to mention it. We both tried, but he couldn’t really make it up and I couldn’t forgive him. I couldn’t hear him say he loved me without wondering if those words meant anything anymore; he told her he loved her and then said it meant nothing, so was it just something he’d say to sound sophisticated? Whatever the answer was, those words lost their meaning; if anything they were a painful reminder that would fill my eyes with tears.

I traveled for a week with my family and my son hoping that spending a couple of days away would make me miss him, and it did. I was touched that he came to the airport for I knew he would normally count on my dad’s driver to pick us up. And just when the ice started melting, I got pregnant again. It was my time to freak out and start crying. I believe in abortion, I just don’t know if it’s ok to do it from a religious point of view, so I kept crying wishing the best would happen.

My best friend thought I was déjavu-ing when I told her he was different around my sixth month of pregnancy. She told me he would never do that to me again. She said it was because of my hormones and my insecurities. I listened to her because I was afraid I’d trust my instincts and act in a way that would be unfair to him.

Around the time I started thinking happy thoughts and started being all bubbly and shiny despite how beano and the pregnancy were killing me, he had that business trip with a female colleague of his whom I had met early in my pregnancy. I had no formed opinion of her since he would only mention her to make fun of the way she talks.

That’s her. How it all started, I’ve heard different stories from him and I no longer know or care what the truth is. I guess it’s still too raw for me to talk about the two of them without feeling that pain. It’s not just her; it’s the time he chose to do that to me, it’s how he did it and it’s all the pain he caused in the process. It’s him blaming it all on me saying that I had it coming.

I stopped defending myself, I even apologized for all the things he’d blown out of proportion to make it sound like it was all me, but I couldn’t understand why he never left if I was that horrible. All I did the first time when I didn’t leave was ask him to leave me before ever doing any of that to me again.

I know I haven’t been perfect for the past couple of years. I know sometimes my resentment showed and I won’t blame him for it, I will just say that being unable to forgive is who I am, and it’s not like he’s much of a forgiving person himself to judge me. I know I can be hard to handle at times, I know all my flaws and I always try to make up for them to those I care about.

However, at the end of the day, I refuse to be blamed for his infidelity; it was his choice, there was a moment when he could have chosen to not start that affair, there were even more moments when he could have chosen to nib it in the bud, only he didn’t. Moreover, he chose to hurt and humiliate me in the process, and that’s even harder for me to forgive.

Yes, I left home to the hospital in order to give birth to my mocha, and since then I haven’t been back. But that was never my home. I left my home the day I agreed to move with his family to make his life easier. If it had been my home, he would have never took away the keys or changed the lock after he returned them, he would have never told his aunt to not let me in when I went to pick my stuff. If it were my home, I would have never left.

So back to the sum up I started the post with. Yes, I am an opinionated uncompromising person who has zero tolerance for lying and who would call you on it. This is who I am, but I know for sure I am worth it for I am capable of giving as much back, and even more; so I will not apologize for who I am.

“The wise wife should bear the full responsibility of keeping the marriage intact no matter what. She should overlook all her husband’s flaws and mistakes as long as he supports well financially and apologizes every now and then for the times he’s weak. She should never leave her home and should always forgive her husband for all men are meant to make mistakes since they are weak creatures. The wise wife should befriend any woman she thinks is after her husband, so that to prove her existence and eliminate that of anyone else’s. The good wife should always make her husband feel needed, wanted, and loved even when she can’t stand to look at his face and see his cheating eyes. The good wife should put her husband and her family first, for that’s her purpose in life.”

I’ve heard all that and more… if that’s what a good wife is, then I am a terrible one. I refuse to be the only one caring for this marriage. I would gladly overlook his flaws if they are tolerable and if he has qualities that overweigh them, but I would refuse to overlook betrayal. I refuse to stay in a home where I constantly feel like a guest. I refuse to forgive him for a mistake he had repeated knowing the consequences and I refuse to think that all men are weak that way. I refuse to befriend someone who wants my husband, if she wants him; she can have him if he lets her, for I would never fight for someone who would want to be taken. My love and my feelings are genuine; I refuse to fake them when I don’t feel them. And finally, I refuse to believe that my sole purpose in life is to be a wife or a mother. I am a person who would gladly choose to be a good wife and a good mother as long as it doesn’t change the good person in me.

13 comments:

Epitaph said...

if that was the definition of a good wife for some people..what about a GOOD husband? grr...!! why should I befriend a woman who wanna have my husband and the ironical part is that he wanna have her as well and give up my genuine love?! why won't he be a good husband and care for my love and feelings..or at least for my kids and save the world..isn't he the man..the masculine power on earth as they define it!

well..dearest, just embrace your children with love and warmth.. and let what's to come settle things!

don't go back to details anymore.. keep your mind at ease.. to be prepared for what's to come!

May Allah enlighten your path

w kol sana wenty tayba :)

hurricane_x said...

Well, that's the description of a rock not a wife, and u don't have to tolerate all that for the shiny title (wise wife) and u r falling apart!

I'm not good at telling soothing words, but I guess u owe urslf a good treat to mend all what happened,..for ur own sake and for ur kids too!

Maat said...

aiwa da es.hal msh posts! enty ghalabteeeeny!
but as intimidating as it looks, it reads easily so it's actually not THAT long!

the quoted words in italics... @$#*&%$%#$ :@ :@ .. w kaman #%$&^%*&%$###### !!!!! ooofff

hfff :S yeah..

ana leh ba comment aslan!!
:D

insomniac said...

first of all, i can't believe the 3 of you guys actually read it!!! i wrote that very post for my own indulgence and because i had a couple of hours to kill... and i had just hung up with him after a long one sided conversation of him naming the things i did 'wrong'!

so epi, if i tell you what's expected by the same people of a good husband, hatetshally... i might post about it if i am in the same mood again cause these posts kinda drag... thanks for the kind words and for reading that aslan!!

well hurricane, as it appears to be, a good wife IS expected to be a rock, it has been mentioned, i just forgot!! as for the title, i am embracing a new one "divorcee" :S

regarding the treat, i've been meaning to stop and get myself a huge ice cream pack from baskin robbins, just never have enough time to, and i know maat will eat it up!

aiwa ya maat, this is what happens when i spend three days in alex with no internet access!!! i am glad it read easily though.... you always comment even when u have nothing to add.... LIBRA

الشنكوتي الكبير said...

Ya lahoyyyy
Sorry if I used this expression at the first time I get in your Blog but you drove me crazy not because the post is long actually it's a good chance to restore some vocabularies I forgot any way my dear you are objecting what the good wife should have or do my dear I don't believe in this at all but I know and I'm dam sure that all this characteristic you mentioned any wife who really love her husband and he really loves her too and they both trust each other she will do them gladly and even more
also he will try to do all his best to repay her for that
but dear when you talk about a relation full of cheating and lies measures is different when you say the good woman should defend her husband not to be taken , sorry your husband is not your necklace and you have to protect it from being stolen he got a brain and man is responsible for all his deeds I respected you when you tried in the first time to forgive and I was going to tell you that time will heal your bride and he would never put him self in this situation again and people make mistakes and all that crap I use when a man make a mistake and I try to defend him but your husband is a hero he left me nothing to say dear you made me laughed when you said he told you about your mistakes
he lost all his excuses when he cheated you
if a woman did that all men and me with them will judge her as a ....
and will advise her husband to kill her
but when it comes to men as my beloved says men are meant to make such mistakes so we -women she means- know that and deal with it but she was talking about a little mistake a passing fine looking lady which turned my head a phone call things like that wrong but you cant kill some one you love for it but it keep scratching the heart till some day it manage to tear it apart any way I talked too much
I'm sorry for your loss not loosing him but the time you lost with him
I hope some day you will find the one you deserve and you will fulfill all the requirements to be the good wife you talked about but this time you will be to be
best luck and nice to know you
سلااااااااااااااااااااااام

insomniac said...

shankooty, u made me laugh so hard because of the ya-lahwy comment :) ur welcomed to visit, nawart.

i am guessing the description of a good wife that i mentioned, apply when the husband is not a 'good husband' (whatever that is!!)... i think that a perfect marriage is when both parts try to make it work and when each of them is willing to compromise a bit to make the other one feel comfy, but that's just me and i am not to preach in this department anyway.

i said it once and i will say it again, if i was such a terrible wife, he should have left me, it would have been the right thing to do. i was not the perfect wife, but i did not deserve THIS.

and fine the one eh bas, saly 3al naby.... el mashra7a mesh na2sa otala... i am totally fine with being a single mom, it's my family who find it hard to accept.

الشنكوتي الكبير said...

عليه الصلاه والسلام
who mentioned the kotala bas and the mashraha
my dear
in our country every body think that a single woman is a good cache they could hunt but I believe that not right any more woman now has much experience in life and she knows will what a man are aiming at when he starts his conversation with her so if you said you are cool with being a single mom it's cool you know better of course
I just hope you don't waste any moment in your life thinking was it my fault no dear cheating can't be justified I'm saying that now before I get married so if I did I want every friend I have and care for me reminds me with that
Remind me what if was on the other side what if I found my wife cheating on me will I try to find my fault sure not
So my dear enjoy your life and allow me to be your friend I'm not a good person my self but I'm trying to do my best after all we are all human
Good luck dear
Oh I almost forgot it really surprising me your friendship with Jad she is a good person I know and I like her so much but you are in a situation!!!!!!!
You understand me??
any way it's not my business but what can I say nosy nation
سلااااااااااااااااااااااااااااام

Sue said...

Insomaniac, this post really reminds me of the "Stepford Wives" movie (except for the remote control and the ATM things) where all the men agreed to have their wives turned into radiculous robots.

"The wise wife should bear the full responsibility of keeping the marriage intact no matter what. She should overlook all her husband’s flaws and mistakes as long as he supports well financially and apologizes every now and then for the times he’s weak."

Let me rephrase this:

The wise wife should bear the full responsibility of keeping the marriage intact no matter what. She should overlook all her husband’s flaws and mistakes as long as he loves, respects, protects and appreciates his wife and family.

I've been following ur blog for a while now and I'd like to take my hat off to ur courage. You're one fo those few women who chose the difficult path and refused to be a part of a fake marriage.

insomniac said...

shankooty, i know all my faults very well, perhaps i ended the marriage in a way, but i am not to blame for the cheating; that was a choice made by him, not me.

as for jade, she and i agreed that each story is different and everything is relative, and that's the only explanation i have!!


Sue, welcome to my blog :) and many thanks for your kind words.

the stepford wives is nothing compared to what men in our society expect of women!! and yes, i believe in doing it all if i get what i deserve in return... i also believe that in marriage, no party should be fully responsible, it's mutual or the hell with it all.

Sagacious Sara said...

Oh wow. You've had it pretty tough. I hate how people expect you to just let things slide like that. I mean there are limits. I know how it feels to be cheated on, and I can't imagine what it was like to be a mom and a wife and carry all that load. I wouldn't have stayed either. Hang in there girl. You have my admiration. Your family will learn to live with it.

insomniac said...

thanks S sara for your words... yeah being cheated on hurts big time... i was willing to let that slide at a point although i never really thought i would...

what he did in the process however, is uforgiveable... perhaps one day i would be able to talk about it.... my family on the other hand, rejects him more now alhamdulilah

ur admiration means a lot :) hope to see u here again.

KareemFromEgypt said...

Damn!!!!

how long was i gone

you stop checking blogs for a couple of months and you find that everything has changed

sorry about what happened to you Insomniac, life is hard, and it hits hardest at home cuz this is where it's supposed to be safe... we've already realized that work and friends can be assholes, but when it comes from inside your shelter it hurts.

you did have another blog zamaan?? before august 2007? right??

As soon as one partner finds out about infidelity the relationship is ruined, no matter how hard they try, there's no trust left, if it's only doubt then there's a chance but a confirmed incident is a deal breaker

not a lot of people can genuinely forgive cheating... maybe that's because most cheaters don't deserve a second chance

no matter how hard you try to stay for the kids or for the remaining love you have for each other it's no good

sorry for the late comment but i just got back to blogging recently

you sound very poised in your posts, i wonder if you're taking this well or just bottling it up, forcing yourself to be strong for several good reasons. how long ago did that happen?

insomniac said...

WOW kareem, what made you pick that particular post to start catching up with?!!! hehe... yeah, the blog world is crazy that way!

well it was hard because it came from the person i thought would never hurt me at all; didn't see it coming and would have never believed it would happen!!! alhamdulilah tho!

yup, i did have another blog names Organized Chaos that i started around August 2006 and deleted it to start the old version of this one in April 2007, only to delete it and restart this one. i am very good with dates as you have probably noticed, i should work with the history channel!! i never mentioned anything about my personal problems in my previous blogs because i was still trying to work them out.

i don't know if i am really poised, but i know i am really taking it much better that i would have expected!! i am generally calm and able to distract myself and have fun! sometimes when i have to interact with him or his twisted behavior i kinda lose it, but i recover fast. i have my friends and family to thank and above all God.

actually the only upside to that much drama is making me feel stronger than i thought i would be.

the whole 'can't take it anymore, i want out' took place shortly after i gave birth in May, the problems go back to a year earlier tho!

wow, my comments r getting much much longer these days!

anyways, welcome back to the blogging world, catch up all you want and feel free to comment.