*smile*

It was an unexpected surprise…

It was dark, and I couldn’t see its color…

I kissed and hugged Rasha for giving me such a surprise that made me cheer that way…

I put it on my dashboard all the way to Alex, and I kept glancing at it while driving…

I kept smiling because of all the memories and thoughts that came to mind just because of such little pretty thing...

I arrived home, I unpacked, I changed, I asked mom for something to put it in, but she ignored me and kept asking who got it instead; it made me sort of angry so I decided not to answer…

Beem kept holding on to me wanting me to hug him to sleep… I fell asleep too and forget about my little beauty...

Today, I ran to where I had left it and I was relieved to see it still in good shape, I emptied a vase where mama kept some of her karakeeb, washed it, et voila…

I am not usually a big fan of orange and yellow, but those pastel shades on this particular tulip look amazing, it’s such a delight to keep looking at it…

Thank you ya Roosh, you made sure there would be something to cheer me up every time my mood goes down, at least until it wilts… (mesh hannaked 3aleiki wa2ollek how it will feel when that happens)

Me is happy for now :)

Not again!!

“… the profoundest changes take place within a very reduced time frame. When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready.

The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny”

- Paulo Coelho' Author's Note from The Devil and Miss Prym


That’s what I am so afraid of, and it stared me right in the eye when I was trying to distract myself by reading!

I don’t hate change, I am rarely ever scared of it or unwilling to do it, on the contrary, I throw myself right into it, and that scares me. The possibility that the change could be to the worse or that it would bring out the worst in me is what terrifies me.

Uff ba2a! we kaman I barely know who I am and what I want for it to change already, mesh 3ayza al3ab khalas! Being a Gemini can get really exhausting!

Mesh 3arfa!

I sat there all alone pretending to be someone else…

I had a strong urge to be anyone but myself if I was to sit and relive those memories in order to write about them; it felt like it would be easier to remember bad things as if they happened to someone else…

But I couldn’t…

I referred to each memory as mine, and every time I came close to digging it all up, I found myself revisiting recent memories that only occurred because of old ones…

And it kept hitting me that right there, as different as I looked, I was still the same person from whom I was running away… yes, I’ve changed a bit, inside and out, but change does not make you a different person…

I felt alone.

I looked around me, took deep breaths, and tried to write it down, but I kept getting stuck at the same point…

Do you ever go back to a turning point in your life and wonder if you chose the road not taken? Usually, when I do that, it’s does not bring regret or a futile wish that time would go back so that I’d redo things differently… but today it felt like it, it was overwhelming, and my mind kept resisting my attempts to remember…

I tried and I tired, and each time my mind resisted even more stubbornly…

It scared me that I just couldn’t do what I planned on doing… I could see how my mind tried every defense mechanism it knows and it scared me because it only meant something hurts in there and I was getting closer, and worse, I am not ready to feel that kind of pain…

I am the kind who would pour salt on old wounds just to make sure they’re dead tissue and they no longer hurt, but today, I felt too overwhelmed, I felt too alone to handle it on my own and I just found myself letting them be and I decided to distract myself…

After spending around an hour and a half in my own mind, I decided to leave my Pandora’s box unopened for a few more days, and I got in my car…

I drove in the direction of Kattameya road because I didn’t want traffic. I drove and I drove, and I let music play…

I made it until 90 kilometers to Sues and then I started looking for a u-turn, not because I wanted to go home, but rather because I needed to be home before 10 if I am to avoid an unnecessary fight with my dad…

This played…

"انت تمل، و راسي يدور... تقوم تفل، و بحالي دور... دموعي تكل، تعدي بحور... و انت بعيـــــد"

Feels like I’ve always been stuck there, always will be, I can see it, smell it, and feel it… and it hurts... and ana kaman bammel… I am tired and bored from that feeling I get when I am unable to let my thoughts out…

I feel crippled… paralyzed…

I am not sad; I am just utterly confused and lost in my own thoughts and attempts to figure myself out… I am not in peace with myself and it’s driving me mad…

I am waiting for my mood to change; this is when being moody is a blessing…

Something I just have to blurt out!!

Ok, I can understand if you’re an atheist…

I can also understand if you’re agnostic…

I can even try and tolerate your endless obscene and crude remarks on almost everything…

I just can’t take the condescending attitude or how offensive you get when you describe those things you dislike…

Seriously! Why the hell offend the very same things you accuse of being offensive!!! I mean, hello, you’re doing exactly the very same thing you resent and reject; don’t you accuse all religions and those who practice them of judging you, labeling you, and cursing you? Whatever makes you think you’re any better than them in your own eye?

News flash, YOU’RE NOT!

You’re merely someone who couldn’t fit anywhere and decided to make a world for you and those who feel exactly like you! If it had just stoped there, I’d completely respect it; hell, I’d start my own world with my own beliefs and invite people who are like me to join too…

But don’t offend, don’t judge and don’t curse anything or anyone just because you don’t fit or you don’t understand… yes, we all hate feeling rejected or labeled, that’s why I understand that you’re angry…

You don’t need to offend me because I happen to believe, you shouldn’t assume my scarf covers a brainless scull just because I chose to practice that little… And you simply can’t assume that I am dumb because I pretend not to understand the sex jokes and give you the satisfaction of seeing the disgust on my face…

And don’t think I don’t understand your sick words, I just choose to pretend like I never heard them before because it’s easier than throwing up all over your twisted notions!!

I would have really tried to understand and even respected all the things you are, if only you had tried, just tried to show a little understanding of who I am and the things I believe in…

So there is another side to the coin you so much dislike, and guess what, you’re on it!

(and I didn’t offend, at least not as tastelessly!!!)

P.S. this is addressed to all the idiots who go about publishing their garbage of so called free opinions offending everyone and giving a bad name to those who share their beliefs!! It is not against any belief or practice, at least not those who do not offend others.

It’s just… pathetic!

Back in my school days, whenever I traveled abroad with my family, I used to buy those little pins with flags on them (I wonder where those are!!). They looked cute and I must say, something about a flag is just… captivating, like it holds the entire culture of a country in it!

A few years later, when I joined a Canadian college, I used to have the Canadian flag on my backpack, until my dad saw it and gave me a long lecture about belonging to no country other than mine. He went on and on about how people in the states put their country’s flag right outside their doors and that I do not have to do the same, but neither should I ever bear a different country’s flag.

Back then, he made sense even though I did not pin the Canadian flag to my backpack to represent anything more than just my admiration to the country I’ve visited. To avoid any futile arguments about my patriotic opinions, I just replaced that pin with another of my college’s badge, after all, that was the college I belonged to whether he liked it or not.

Oh, and I tried to find a cute little pin with Egypt’s flag, but I found none!

***
Around a year ago, one of the managers in the Kuwaiti company where I work decided he wanted a small sized Egyptian flag to put it on his desk back in Kuwait along with the rest of the flags of countries where the company has business. He sent me an email asking me if we had any at our Egypt branch, I said we didn’t, so he asked me to send for around ten small flags, for our office as well as the head office. Moreover, he also asked me to get a bigger flag similar to the size of the Kuwaiti flag he’d send, so that both would be hung in our company here in Egypt.

I did not find any of good enough quality to be measured against the other flags I’ve seen. I’ve been told I could go to Faggala and check a bigger variety or have one custom made, but I was too busy to do it then! I asked friends who work in governmental authorities about the ones they put on ministers’ desks or at the doors of ministry buildings, but no one gave me any useful information. Eventually, I gave up and lost interest and so have my boss.

***
I see Egyptian flags everywhere! With all sizes and all qualities, simply every freakin' where!!!

Seriously!!

The match, screw it, I mean, what is the point of winning a silly match? What kind of advancement are we as a country and its people achieving here? Will our educational systems be any better? Will we be doing a better job on containing the epidemic flu that is closing all our schools? Oh and about H1N1 flu, how come the Minister of Health (beroo7 Ommoh) did not have any useful announcements about crowd management!! Wala el gomhoor el reyady 3ando wa3y se7y kafy, ya sheikh bala waksa!!

***

I will say it and I will not care about how many people will resent me for it… I wish Egypt loses this match. I think we Egyptians need to realize that there are more important things we need to win other than a meaningless match. We need to develop better behaviors and attitudes in order to lead better lives, and honestly, I think winning this match will close our eyes even further to the fact that WE NEED TO BE BETTER IN OTHER THINGS!! Not to mention the traffic madness and the accidents that WILL happen like the last time Egypt won the stupid African cup!

Wel ahbal elly ba3et email saying that he’s happy we’re all uniting for this, yala roo7 egry el3ab be3eed!! Maho men khebetna!! We kaman we are emotional people, benetlam we ne unite fel kheiba, 3ady, heya awel marra ya3ne, bas sa3et el gadd, when our union is needed for something useful, we only throw charity parties for the cause but do nothing useful, so etwekes!! (he’s the same guy who urged his fellow Egyptians to show their compassion to the President for the loss of his grandchild, Alllah yer7amoh… 3ayel 7o2na, we monafeq keda we te7esso maloosh substance!!)

I am sorry fellow Egyptians and soccer fans, we do not deserve that kind of victory when we’re so oblivious of our failures in every other aspect of our social and cultural life, hell, in how we deal with one another!

***

I want to go to my dad and explain to him that I’d rather carry the Canadian flag than the Egyptian flag because I learned my most useful lessons during college from Canadian professors, not Egyptian ones. I want to sadly admit to him that the only reason I belong to this country is because he does. He’s the one who paid for my education, my health care, and every privilege and luxury I enjoyed, so I belong to him, and if it means I belong to this country for his sake, then I do.

I don’t hate Egypt; I love it… ok, it’s a classic love/hate relationship like Will calls it. Egypt is like the mother who constantly abuses and insults me and expects me to forever love her because it’s my duty. Egypt is like the mother who never showed sincere care or did anything of value contributing to my wellbeing and development, yet expects me to acknowledge her non-existing role in making me who I am!

Egypt is the mother I could never bring myself to love or honor simply because I refuse to be an abuse victim, yet my good upbringing prevents me from showing my dislike and discontentment to others. It’s because of my upbringing that I find myself speaking with pride whenever I am asked where I am from, although it was never Egypt who gave me reasons to be proud, it was always my father.

***

So tomorrow, I might go and buy that flag after all, regardless of the score of the match because to me, it was never about a silly match, it is about something more profound than that, something I still hope I could find and feel for this country because I can’t feel it for any other.

Fallen

I admit, I was righteous, a tight ass according to many, but in my righteousness I found my comfort. Even in my constant struggle to live up to my own high standards, I enjoyed my pride enjoyed winning every ethical challenge.

In my own utopia oblivion, I always believed that the one thing I should always do is what I think is right; I believed in the notion of “wrong is wrong, right is right” religiously; I never accepted any justification for wrong and I never thought people would disagree on what’s right. After being slapped around, I learned to tolerate wrong from people and have it in me to see their “false” justifications, but never from myself... condescending perhaps, but in the most tolerant way I knew!

This was how I nourished my pride; this was also how I kept my faith. I always believed that if I could live up to those standards with every challenge, I would definitely have it in me to accept all my misfortunes and I would be able to pray for God’s mercy in times of crisis. This was how I managed to be patient, strong, and confident; I used my pride and my stubbornness to hold on to who I thought I was, and when everything fell from around me, I held on even more tightly and stubbornly.

Until today.

All my righteous notions and phrases haunted me so mercilessly. Today, I learned the hard way that sometimes what I should do, is not what I think is right. I saw first hand how what I should do, as not-right/wrong as it is, is still justified and somehow right! I was shocked and hurt and confused and… hurt, majorly hurt.

Today, stretching the truth to its maximum was not a lie. Today, the thing I took pride in the most, my truthfulness, was compromised because that was what I honestly believed I should do. I stretched the truth because that was what I should do for the one I love the most. I could not look him in the eye and beg him to spare me because it would have been selfish of me to serve my pride over him… meh, I guess I am too proud to feel selfish anyway.

I shivered inside out… and I felt cold inside out… and I could see my surrounding blurry doing as I was told. I tried to block the feeling and its humiliation by remembering all the reasons and all the justifications; I held on -as tight as I know how- to the context that brought me there as the words rigidly got out of my mouth. I did it when in my heart I knew I will never look at myself in the mirror and feel as proud... and it still hurts too much that I will be too ashamed to ask my God to bless and protect me and those I love, because today I took it on my own to do so, and I know I am not half as strong as I ask my God to be for me.

“some rise by sin, and some by virtue fall”

I just wish I fell… I would like to believe that if it were really my choice and if it were only me who’d deal with consequences, I would have chosen to fall.

Today was a bad day for me, for my stupid notions and my foolish foolish pride. Today, I only felt fear and shame, and that was a worse fall.

Sleep sleep sleep, bye bye insomnia!

All through the past two weeks I’ve been having some serious sleep encounters, as in I fall asleep almost everywhere, which is my baby sister’s thing actually!! Coffee no longer works, I drink about three huge mugs a day, black, no sugar, and yet I can’t seem to keep my eyes opened, not even while driving, ME!!!

After the second time I fell asleep while driving, I decided to see a doctor. I hate how doctors laugh at me when I speak of my eccentricities as if they were normal. Yes, I barely sleep 4 hours straight a day, and I wake up in the middle of the night having serious troubles falling back to sleep; hence insomniac. Always have and I think I have gotten used to it by now, this is not a change I would welcome actually!!

Apparently, my body has a different agenda! I lose focus; I get dizzy, and eventually fall asleep. My body has decided my insomnia days are over and now I don’t even sleep like normal people, I sleep all the freakin time and I hate it!!

I tried to act all stubborn and stay up late without even a nap that weekend and the punishment was horrible; I couldn’t lift my head off the pillow for the next 14 hours. I had a nasty migraine as if an iron fist was squeezing all the brain cells out of my scull, and when I eventually got out of bed I almost didn’t recognize my mirror image; I was extremely pale and fuzzy, I looked more like a zombie!

So yes, I am surrendering to all the sleep; today I woke up at 10am after sleeping at 1am, only to go for a long nap at 5pm and wake up at 9!!! And I know I will probably be in bed within an hour at most!!!

I sort of have an identity crisis!! If this lasts, I will change my name from insomniac to sleepy head! Oh insomnia, I will miss you.

P.s. The reason I have not been posting is basically because I am either asleep or out of focus most of the time :(