September 1, 2009

Some of what I have gotten figured out so far…


This is not exactly a post; it is only post material because it was too long a reply for IBHOG’s comment on my previous post, and well, it got me to reflect a little bit on who I am!

I must say that it will be in the form of a comment reply, only with a beginning and an ending for each sentence and appropriate capitalizations when there should be any… here is goes:


I do not hate gray areas as much as I used to (I am 28, no longer 22, it could be an age thing). Now, I acknowledge and accept the gray area, but I never feel comfortable there myself. I remain emotionally detached from those who prefer
the gray area as much as I try not to judge them for it. If I am to give a person the keys to who I am, they can either be black or white; then leave it to me to take whatever risks there might be, knowing what the stakes are!

I would never forgive or trust someone who had lied to my face. I have told my own share of lies when I –thought I- had to out of self-preservation, but they were never told with cold blood. It's actually very easy to tell when I am lying regardless of how brilliant my lie is (I don't lack the logical imagination). I no longer tell lies because they are simply not worth it, not worth how undignified would feel when those lies unravel, and lies always do!

Right and wrong, I see them clearly. Even when I am choosing wrong over right, I would never fool myself or justify by lying; when I do wrong, I either think it's right and admit it later with shame written all over me, or I simply say "it is probably wrong, but I am doing it anyway" (stubborn as a mule syndrome). But I know not everyone sees things the way I do, or at least I keep reminding myself of that on daily basis (I am seriously thinking I’d have it written in a bold font, framed and put on my night stand).

I can’t say I have an eye for victims. If anything, I could be intolerant of the cliché victims, the ones that whine and complain nonstop; I tend to think that the real victims are the ones who have too much pride to sit around and mope, so they try to pretend that it’s all ok. I see them, and I wish I could hold them and let them cry the tears I never could, but then I would ruin the act they maintain to be able to… live?

I’ve been told a lot that I am a child and that I am really naïve, and I am aware of that because I still take certain things for granted. However, I think I have been shocked in a sense because the very same things I take for granted are the ones I am forced to constantly doubt!!!! For example, I am known for that phrase “why would he/she lie, they they really didn't have to!”, but now I find myself analyzing things I’ve been told making sure I didn’t miss any hidden meanings that could change the whole message I was sent!!!

It could be what bad experience has done to me, but why do I still act all naïve like no one would expect?? (I have two friends who constantly send out vibes that they want to snap my neck because I am “sazga”). But with every singly birthday, and with every month away from it, I find myself wondering where my years have gone and wonder how I missed out on the little things I wanted to do when I feel too old to do them already!! It’s sad and I don’t dwell; thank God for my short attention span, sometimes I think I cling to it with everything I got to help me survive.

I talk with myself since the day I mastered speech. I had all sorts of imaginary friends until I finally settled that there is another me who listens and understands like no other. We talk a lot and we get along most of the time, and I am miserable when we’re mad at one another. I see every conversation I had/about to have with anyone in so many scenarios and sometimes I finish the conversation differently in my head just to put my troubled soul at ease.

Would you sleep with a mind that functions that way? I sleep, for two hours, and then I wake up and think some more until my thoughts take me back to sleep and then abandon me two our later to wake up on a new thought. I am a very light sleeper and I barely wake up feeling like I’ve had enough sleep.

I don’t know how to say the words I have in mind, I write them better than I say them. Ironically, my therapist showed amazement at how articulate I am when I first visited her. But I have a friend who agrees that I blurt stuff more than I should, and that it sort of gets me in trouble most of the time.

I only know I live in a bubble because I have been told that by almost everyone I know!! And because since the moment I decided to believe them, and took a real step out of my bubble and tried to see things for what they really are, I rushed back into my bubble and wished I never stepped out. Fetal position comes to mind when I think of my bubble versus the real world!

As for being strong, it comes and goes, when it goes, I see myself falling into little pieces, but Alhamdulilah it comes back shortly after and I see myself being gathered again!! I wish I could describe it more eloquently, but it’s the closest to how it feels most of the time; it could be because I am moody or I could be moody because my strength comes and goes, either way will do!

Compassion and carefulness, I don’t know, but sometimes I find myself unable to show the compassion I feel because I am afraid I would be intruding or that my compassion would be misinterpreted as sympathy and would bruise someone’s pride in the process, and it hurts to think that! Is that carefulness, or just some sort of temporary emotional paralysis? I am cynical, but under that thick layer of cynicism, hides a helpless Utopian who has high hopes, the kind that sends me blindly to my own cliff, don’t they say that cynics are the mushiest, or something of the sort?


Thanks IBHOG for helping me put what I knew about myself in words!

The rest of the reply to your comment belongs to the comment page, because it’s not about me to publish.

9 comments:

The.I.inside said...

I 've read ur last two posts one after the other so I will reply to them as one. First of l like the fact that u understand ur self so well and I feel like I should congratulate u I wish I understood my self as clearly. I find that society is a real scum but what I find truely amazin is how rare you actually find ur self inface with a scum individual .because in truth that what society is a group of individual. My theory is that most ppl are good unless u stand inface what they view as their intrest (masla7thom). I wanderd so far offtopic that I don't even remember what I inttended to say . Yeah I just want to add that I must admit that although I have no tolerance 4 gray areas with anyone I find my self stuck their more than I like to admit. A major flow of me is that I tend to cut my self more slack than i'd care to do 4 other ppl.Anwayz sorry 4 the long comment u said once that u enjoyed them but still I think that 1 dragged 4ver

insomniac said...

I,

feinek!

that was not exactly a long comment and it certainly didn't drag!

knowing myself is not exactly bliss... you see, when you know how your mind works and all its defense mechanisms, you lose the ability to cut yourself some slack when you screw up! it's.... exhausting... talk about "there's a price for everything"!

as for people, their being good, bad, or scum depending on where their own personal interest is, that's another post, more like a question to which i still can't find an answer, bas 3ashan ana raghaya it will probably be a post :)

why aren't things less complicated?? (that's a phrase right from my bubble) :)

good day!

ibhog said...

I'm privileged to have been of any use, and I obviously have yet so much to learn.

You're on my blogroll btw, not to mention one of my most favored blogs ever now :)

insomniac said...

aww,i am really flattered :)

and we live we learn... sometimes i think i am not that much of a fast learner when i see how the lessons keep repeating themselves for me to get them! it's bad to feel stupid!

The.I.inside said...

Work have been suckin out all my time I am tryin to come back thou.
Self understandin is a real issue with me it's v. Frustrating for me to be able to understand ppl's motives and personalty but not my own. Like the fact that am cutting my self more slack than I do to ppl somedays I say it's because of my ego, others because I understand my own motives others I claim because I see no point in remource, then their is times where I deny it all together.
You see why now it could be exhausting?
I have 2 admit that I was raised inside a bubble, and I still spend most of my times inside. It's comfy and simple inside. Because of it I have the childish illusion that nothing can break me, rationally I know am as vaunirable as the next person. But I still maintain my illusions and retreat back inside at the first threat of shattering the illusion.
I a lookin forward 2 readin ur question/post, don't throw it among the list of post u'll write someday.
Ramadan Kareem

Mohaly said...

The best thing about blogging is that it makes you share your thoughts and realize that others are sharing a lot of common interests and problems too.

I am 34 (ya3nee same generation) and I can see that what you face is a general symptom of our generation. All the solutions I have tried has worked on short term only.

Believe it or not Gray areas -although stressful and provoking- are the majority. Very few things are black or white.

insomniac said...

mohaly,

i've always thought that we're all the same and still very different!

we have more or less the same issues, but we still handle them differently because they still get to us in different ways...

and yeah, the gray are is much bigger, and i must admit, it's easier to hide in the gray area than it is in black or white, i know i am a shade of gray myself on so many things where i know i don't fit either in the black or the white... it's a lot like "yes/no" questions when there is more to the answer than just one word... yet to me, as well as everyone (or so i would like to think), there are things that need to be black and things that cannot be but white, and because my perceptions are different from others' it comes as shock to see that others might prefer a shade of gray about my strictly black/white perception...

did that make sense?

Mohaly said...

yes it does :)

the problem is: who defines what is black and what is white!

insomniac said...

each and every one of us does... isn't everything after all relative! i think this is why we have such a big gray area :)