October 11, 2009

It’s just hard to explain…


What is happiness?

Is it laughing your heart out? Is it your face blushing with the warmth of those around you? Is it smiling from ear to ear with bright and shiny eyes? Is it contentment and gratitude for everything you have?

I always thought the above were signs of happiness…

Then what is missing? What the hell is wrong with me?

I am laughing my heart out most of the time, my cheeks are all red and my eyes are all shiny and I am growing dimples because of all the smiling! I keep whispering to myself “alhamdulilah” because of how everything just happens!!

But I feel rather sad!!

The kind of sad that creeps inside your heart and makes it afraid of beating!!

It makes me angry at myself for not being able to enjoy all the blessings.

Yes, I am doing my best to overlook that feeling and live each and every moment to the fullest; I literally drag my body to every single experience so that my mind wouldn’t take over with that unexplainable melancholy. But even then, in the midst of my so called “happiness”, I just don’t feel happy!

I am extremely vulnerable to all the little inconveniences, the ones that I know should never bother me, the ones I know didn’t bother me much before because I can always justify them. Now, I just see them loud and clear and I find my face shrinking with disgust!

I try to analyze my moods according to all the colors I buy, but it’s really hard; I keep choosing purple, aquamarine, blue, and then I have strong brown and beige urges, but then I try to focus on pink and coral shades because they bring out my natural blush! When I think of it, I realize I am only choosing those colors because purple matches my new shoes, aquamarine is the closest shade to green that’s not green, and I need to have green to get over my dislike of it, blue, I am just missing blue; it’s familiar, and no matter what I do, I never have enough brown and beige; like I do not belong to earth that way, as for the pink and coral shades, I am just living up to what looks good on me!!

But what is it do I want??? It’s not just about the colors; it’s about everything else I pick!!

Which color? Which mood? Which activity? I find myself choosing everything for a reason, but I never really do anything just because of the utter urge!!

Have I become addicted to sadness? Have I gotten used to resentfulness of all the things I don’t like?

Right now, I have some hole inside my heart aching because I can’t stand certain things that just suffocate me. I wish I could just scream them out and let them fester somewhere else other than my heart, but I am too aware of the potential and unnecessary damage it would cause, so I am taking the chances of harbouring them! I am not even sure I will feel better if I do otherwise.

I found out a couple of things about me though… I am a control freak, at least inside my own head; I want things done in a certain way and I get really angry when they’re done differently even when I don’t show it, and to make it worse, I am usually right, which adds up to my frustration. I also have serious confrontation issues; I’d rather be passive aggressive than point out my dissatisfaction, sometimes out of being considerate to others and sometimes just because I am aware of the futility of acting on my anger!

Speaking of anger, one of the main reasons why I’m angry is that I don’t get why it’s just me who sees all those inconveniences and get annoyed by them the way I do! I hate how my parents made me that way, I am really angry at them for exerting that much effort to teach me to be aware of my behavior so that I would not offend others! I am angry because I am offended by certain people acting on their rather dumb and extreme impulses while I have to hold back my opinions about that because God forbid my opinion would make them uncomfortable!!

Perhaps some day I will just say it and walk out without ever having to look back, just like how I no longer feel a thing about the x! I guess it’s part of who I am; either I care too much or I just give up and replace that built up repressed resentment with indifference, regardless of the person and how close they might be to me!! It’s how I mend my broken heart and my big disappointments; and the scary thing is that I know I would do it with anyone, even my own babies if they ever push that far!!

What kind of person is that who just punishes people by banishing them outside of her existence instead of dealing and talking things through???

I guess the kind who does not pretend to feel things she doesn’t feel, and find it hard to express her gratitude in words, and the kind who has it in her to leave her own babies to go on a much needed vacation.

I am tired of all the judgmental questions. It hurts that my feelings and my pain are taken for granted the way they are just because I guard them so very carefully with all the smiles and laughter and sarcastic comments. It hurts to be viewed as the cold-hearted-ice-bitch I know I'm not but would never admit to it. It hurts to be that sensitive and have people think of me as the other extreme, and it hurts even more that I force myself to fit into the role of that other extreme just to preserve my pride!

It took me two pages of rambling to get a big part of it out… there is more, but like I said, it’s just hard to explain.

P.S. I may not be feeling the kind of happy I wish I’d feel, but I am surely having fun, aside from all the enforced guilt… and I am grateful, for everything… alhamdulilah.

7 comments:

Knowledge Seeker said...

so damn hard to explain, u can't expose the real sensitive you to outside danger instead u put the tough mask to handle life..
u need ppl to be gentle with the inner sensitive u, but in same time u don't accept pity... want them to feel ur misery without making u admit being defeated...
sorry life isn't that fair, only few ppl can act like this - the few word is to not be so pessimistic but the more accurate word is noone - & finding any of this kind persons is a life blessing...

Cesario said...

Can I say this already? HAPPINESS IS A FARCE; it doesn't exist, it's something made up by God knows who to make us desperate all the time. I think that the best we can hope for is contentment and satisfaction.
I think you should go on forcing yourself to do stuff and then eventually (by time) things are going to get easier and you will start enjoying your life.

Believe me, I am yet to meet someone who is really genuinely happy. I see content, indifferent,unaware, satisfied, numbed people, but never happy. Maybe we should just stop wanting to be happy.

Don't accept people's pity, because people are pathetic and you shouldn't feel guilty that you went on a vacation that you deserve.

Hope you feel better soon; you're on the right track.

insomniac said...

Knowledge Seeker,

where have you been??? :)

you're right, i don't do pity, but i don't like it when my problems are taken for granted or trivialized just because i act like they don't matter!!!

i realize very few people are capable of acting that way, and i honestly wish i was not one of those; at least i wouldn't be as bothered as i am now!!!

insomniac said...

Cesario,

but i do feel happy, occasionally!!

you're right tho, i have to keep pushing until it passes, and that's what i'm trying to do!!

i don't accept pity, i hate it... i don't feel guilty, i don't respond to guilt that way... but i do get very angry and frustrated when people try to impose guilt on me... it hurts when i am supposed to feel guilty because i know i shouldn't, yet i hate how people keep making me feel i should!!

thanks for the much needed words hun :)))

Knowledge Seeker said...

been in my shell for a while...
anyway try to fill the emptiness & if u can't ignore it.. & don't even think about it

Sara said...

Hi inso,

well, i've to say that i think what you mentioned about happiness are actually the symptoms of happiness only ..
for me i guess happiness is reda rabena reflected on my life, when you find things working out just the way you wanted, or even completely opposite to what you wanted but it is only for your best and you don't even know about it .. happiness is when you look at your life and say .. yaah, rabena by7bny awi .. He gave me a lot, He prevented me from doing so and so ...

and ..... i just feel that you need to take it easy on yourself a little bit, like you said you're sensitive .. so kefaya everybody else is giving you hard times, msh hyb2a enty w homa 3aleky ;)

finally, u know Allah said ,
لقد خلقنا الإنسان في كبد
so it's okay to be in a constant fight and search for happiness, because He gave us the solution on the other hand He said, بلى من أسلم وجهه لله و هو محسن فله أجره عند ربه ولا خوف عليهم ولا هم يحزنون

insomniac said...

Knowledge Seeker :)

well, it took me a while to comment back because i was trying to fill the emptiness!! i displaced the emptiness to my credit card!!! :) but new stuff are filling the void now!!!

do write some posts, get out of that shell man!!


Sara,

do you have any idea how perfect everything in my life seems to be these days, alhamdulilah.... i feel especially blessed!!! and what hurts is that deep down there's a feeling somewhere that i don't deserve that much happiness, that somehow i will have to pay a price for it and it scares me because there is no price i can afford to pay for everything i have right now!!!!

i know it sounds really dark to think that way... it's like i got used to el nakad or something!!! metghaza because i feel that way!!

i try to take it easy bas like i said, i think i have gotten used to this!!!!

i just hope i deserve the things i am granted and have it in me to keep them, ya rab!