December 1, 2008

Life is funny, sometimes…

It’s extremely funny to see how someone’s tone can switch from soft and inviting to obnoxious and offensive when they know they are definitely failing to get to you. It’s even funnier to take it with a smile and find fulfillment in their anger as they withdraw. Priceless!!

Now let’s rewind a bit to get to that point…

He calls every day, more than once, and I answer, but not every single time. I answer because I like to confront my feelings and defy them; I know my dislike for him is huge, and I am taming my anger and discontentment and forcing myself to be civil around him until I can fairly say I reached indifference. Someone once told me I was my own worst critic that way; because I keep pushing myself to do the things I think I should do.

I told a friend of mine last week that my x’s tone is not making me feel comfortable; it’s like he still wants me back and he’s trying to be extra nice and sweet to make me “fall in love with him all over again”!!! He has no clue!

Throughout the week, I noticed how he’d call and start out by saying he was checking on the boys, and then he would babble on and on about his daily activities until he finally noticed my lack of interest with all my “hmm” and “aaah” that are not even synchronized with whatever he’d be saying.

He tried everything; he tried provoking me into arguing with him, to my surprise, I was not even tempted to honor his argument by answering or even saying a remark! He picked things that would annoy me, and it kinda did for a while there, only I managed to shake them off in less time than it took him to finish his sentence!! It was more surprising for me than it was for him! He ended up saying “damek ba2a te2eel awy”… I said in my monotonous tone without noticing what he was saying to begin with “ahuh, ghaleban”. We stayed silent for God knows how long until he realized there was nothing he would do to make me talk to him and just said “ok, I’ll talk to you later”, I just put my cell aside and resumed working on my excel sheet, like he never existed.

My recent indifference reminded me of that poem.

Confronting myself further, I wrote an email to a friend describing how I felt; how some of what he said kinda got to me, why I think they got to me, and how I told myself they shouldn’t. I admit I was a bit more upset after finishing the email, may be because I confronted myself way too much, but I soon forgot all about it having to finish up so many reports and go home to my babies.

Sitting on my bed and browsing away on my laptop, he called again. More or less the same scenario; soft tones hiding millions of futile ways to get under my skin, but I learned the trick, ignoring him is much easier when I am distracted checking my reader. He started the most pathetic thing, reminiscing! He kept talking about the good things he remembers of me, things I once did out of love, not because I wanted anything in return, things I would do again for anyone whom I care about half as much! And I was barely listening, so I didn’t know when it was my cue to say “aah”, so he was like, “do you remember?”, I instantly answered without thinking, “remembering does not make much of a difference really; it’s all meaningless now”… I did not say it to spite him or hurt him, I said it because it was how I felt!

That was when the tone altered dramatically as he turned into his most condescending tone “bey2olo elly maloosh mady we zekrayat, maloosh mosta2bal bardu”… I went BLANK!!!!!!! Normally I would have said something sarcastic or twisted his words to make him sound like an idiot, I would have found millions of way to use his own remark against him; instead, I didn’t even care the least to think of something, it just didn’t matter! He gave me his upset and hurt tone as he said “salam, and thanks a lot for the motivation, tesba7y 3ala kheir”, to which I replied “bye” and hung up.

After hanging up, it hit me that indifference has such a sweet sweet taste that’s only appreciated by those who stop caring. Either that or I have become numb. No complaints though, alhamdulilah.


The.I.inside said...

I have to congratulate you, you now ceased to care.
"You know, it's a common misconception that "hate" is the opposite of "love". In fact, that's not true. To hate someone means that you still have some sort of emotional involvement with them. The real opposite of "love" is actually "complete indifference".
something I heard at the show Desperate housewives and it just stuck to my brain.

insomniac said...

you know, i heard that a number of times, perhaps since i was in school or something!

years later, i beg to differ...

love and hate are two sides of one coin... they both mean intense emotional involvement alright... but it two opposite directions.... hating someone does not mean you love them, it's the exact opposite with the same heat and passion... it's bad because it's consuming, unlike love (i think!)

indifference on the other hand is the opposite of caring... i've spent all my life being told i care too much about everything, and now that i have somehow managed to stop caring, it feels liberating!!

Will E. said...

I have to agree with insomniac, you can hate someone and care enough to wish them ill, indifference is when you don't care at all even if you love or hate someone. I would say indifference is the opposite of love/hate both or just a different issue altogether.

Poor children of the world though, they don't have a past and hence they can never have a future..

Only Love said...

Inso I really like reading your posts very much coz it really touches me very much and leaves a great impact inside of me in many things.
your faith in yourself gives me the impresion that I can be that strong person one day with my faith also.

Good luck in your journey and I will follow-up with you :)

insomniac said...

thanks :)

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