December 25, 2008

Back to Phase IV: Depression


Who knew depression can pile up and sneak on me all of a sudden at the very time I would normally think I even passed Phase V: Acceptance!

I was fine, I was alright, and I was accepting, even embracing my life and finding my little joys. A friend of mine was telling me a while back that he was impressed at my ability to shake off the negativity by getting involved in whatever distractions that come my way instead of wallowing and sulking in my bad mood.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!!!

Thanks to my mother for wanting me to reconsider “saving my marriage”; I can’t believe her! I can’t believe she’s still forcing me to have that discussion; I’ve been speaking my heart out all through the past time, wasn’t she listening!!!! I mean hello, the whole blogsphere knows how I feel about that marriage and they don’t even know me; what’s wrong with my own mother and why the hell can’t she just understand, accept and support me? Why is it so freakin’ much to ask?

And oh no, not just that, she’s saying that my dad has hope I would change my mind under his thick layers of disgust at my x. Seriously?! Although there is a considerable degree of untruth to everything she says, especially assumptions she makes about my father; she has successfully managed to alienate me from talking to him!

She is scaring the crap out of me. The fact that someone so close keeps reminding me of how hard raising those two boys will be without a marriage, and the fact that she keeps stressing that I won’t be able to do it and that they will grow up to resent and blame me for it, just cripples me and sends me back to my worst place.

I’m back to my worst days during the end of my pregnancy. Of course I don’t cry as much, but I’m choking on my words every time I speak, and I feel like I really can’t breathe, and I am so close to having a panic attack right at work that I keep rushing to the washroom because I don’t want people to see it happening!

Thanks to all the stress and the fear to which she’s exposing me, death does not sound half as scary as raising my kids; how freaky is that?! If I die my kids will idealize me and they will definitely love whatever memory I leave behind; sounds much better than “hating me for ruining the home they could have had” ME!

You know what ma; if I am such a lousy person and an extraordinarily horrible mother, take over, please. I will completely shut up about all the mess you’ve made; I will not share any of my therapist’s opinions of you or your role in how I picked the notorious x.

Who am I kidding? I can’t just sit back and let go of my boys for either you or him to raise them so that you’d get off my case. And neither can I go back to him; sadly my personality is too strong for his taste, not to mention that I cannot hide my contempt for him.

When you push so hard, you make me wish I were as submissive as you are, but it’s not in me to live that way, and I am sorry but I am not that crushed or broken to let people decide for me how I should live my life for anybody’s sake, even my kids, ok!

Please stop scaring me, I can’t take any of it anymore and I feel so freakin’ alone and I am sick of looking for support because I know that at the end of the day, I am completely alone in this and you’re taking away from me every ounce of strength I need to do it on my own and alienating me from everyone! I can take it from him, but coming from you, it just stinks!

17 comments:

Marwa Rakha said...

May your 2008 end with a full stop ... a complete end to fear, guilt, stress, panic, anticipation, and bad trips down memory lane.

May you start 2009 free from your ex ... free from your parents grip ... free from doubt ... and free from depression.

I do not know you in person but I like you .. no .. I respect you ... you will do well and your boys will love you and appreciate you ... their teenage years will be shitty just like all teenagers .. they will burst out in anger accusing you of sttuff .. do not take it personally .. it is just how teenagers are ..... but hey ... you are years away from that stage .. enjoy their love and cuddling until then xxx

Anonymous said...

I just want to tell you IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD ...you'll get over it , you're not the only woman who raised kids on her own....and it's not that HARD , I think the exact opposite, i imagine your boys growing up and resenting the father for not being there for them and leaving all the responsiblity to you ALONE without him caring .... i just hope he dissappoints my expectations on this part..believe me kids are no fools..they'll know the truth about both of you , they'll realize who cares and who doesn't , don't worry about it.

R

hurricane_x said...

I cannot understand the whole idea of "acceptance" and "moving on", dunno why..!
I guess I just dunno how it is done or whether what I do is the right process or not, 'cause every time I think I've passed the "issues", there's always a setback, and I restart once more.
mmm...
Maybe that doesn't relate to ur case, but shouldn't moving on is all about not going back however the "circumstances" ??!!

Eventuality said...

I know how that could depress you. But I guess all you can do is shut her out. Teach yourself to be numb to whatever she says, because let's face it she will not change. Easier said than done, but I personally had a similar situation and taught myself to shut out the people that hurt me that way.

Take care and cheer up dear. xxx

insomniac said...

Marwa,

Thanks for all your wishes and kind words :)

i know my kids will grow up to be obnoxious teenagers, but i keep telling myself that they will then grow further to be good men who do not follow society's ridiculous norms!!


R,

that's what i keep telling myself, but in reality, it's really a bit harder and it gets to be draining at days, and it doesn't help at all when ppl from your own support circle start questioning your reasons making you doubt yourself!

i worry more of his influence if he's around! like i keep saying, he's the same annoying jerk who would never admit his mistakes; i worry his presence as the father who showers them with gifts and outings when he's around would make my job to raise them to be better men much harder... i know 80% i will be the bad guy for a long time, and it scares me.

insomniac said...

hurricane,

u do not do anything to reach acceptance, it just happens and then you find urself moving on!

i didn't know anything, i just woke up one day realizing that i couldn't have possibly seen things going that way and that there was not much for me to change them because i didn't know better! i moved on because there was nothing much to do other than that!

the reverse action happened nonetheless because i am not divorced yet, and it keeps people, my mom at least hoping that i would change my mind or that some miracle would happen that would make everything alright! the way she pushes is beyond me to endure and she does not get how harmful it is!

insomniac said...

eve,

sadly, i am very bad at shutting ppl out, not to mention how relentless my mom is!

anyways, i think i let most of it out and i think she got a glimpse of how her thoughts are getting to me and she will be backing off a bit!

gjoe said...

Inso,

i totally get how can your mother's words be very "THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO HEAR".. I understand the bad timing, the bad choice of words, the low expectations. But for what it is worth, we both know you are stronger than that. Your kids wont hate you for doing what you believe is the right thing. They will look back and be grateful for all your efforts and all your choices.Like Marwa said, when in their teenage years, they might get confused like any other teenager. But yes dont take it personally and you are waaay before that time.

I have a feeling that you dont need a hug. (I wouldnt if I were you). So I will pray pray pray and pray for you :D

rasha said...

all the cheesy movie talk won't shake the blues away sa7?? :)
get out of the house and distract the words away...It'll pass my dear dear Inso. It will all pass.
And yeah, no hugs r u tonight :P

The.I.inside said...

Everyone else seems to beat me to what I was about to say. so there is nothing more to add.
except
I Really think that your kids will definitely hate you if you stayed in a marriage just because of them. because no matter how hard you try sooner or later you would have became just old bitter, frustrated woman. who wants her life back when it's time for them to life theirs .
and don't let yourself (or your mom) make you feel guilty about the divorce so couple of years from now you won't hear .
well if you couldn't stay in that marriage for MY sake the least you could do is buy/give/allow me this.
Teenagers (and sometimes kids) know how to manipulate their parents with guilt. (even when they don't actually believe what they are saying)
Happy New Year, and stay strong

insomniac said...

gjoe & rasha

i appreciate the no-hugs strategy ;) and yeah, i need prayers for the time being :)


i,

trust me, when i get depressed, i am intolerable and i get really worthy of being hated :) so i am sure they kinda hated me a bit last week!

but it got better!

it still gives me the blues when i am down and i find one of my boys coming to me so i smile and hug them (if i have it in me, sometimes i hide because i am too tired to handle them).... i think how that idiot can possibly look at their innocent faces and hold them and not feel those strong urges to love and protect them... those urges sometimes tear me apart just bacause i don't think i can ever put them in action no matter how hard i try!!

makes me wonder how people can be so heartless or inconsiderate (that's the least i could describe him!)

anyways, thanks for your kind wishes... happy new year to you girl!

Brownie said...

i was raised by mom only and to tell u the truth she did a wonderful job el hamdoliah so i think every mom can do it, all u need is strength and determination and in most of the time ignoring some comments,it may be difficult responsibility but day after day u would learn how to handle it perfectly... one last advice full dedication for ur kids does not mean that u should not have ur own life.

Brownie said...

i forgot to wish u best luck ya Rab

insomniac said...

thanks a lot brownie for the encouragement and the wishes :)

i hope i can do a good job :)

thanks again :)

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