December 24, 2008

In my darkest hour…

I don’t believe in regret; to me, it simply does not fix things, it just makes one feel worse about things that are most likely too late to change. However, there are always times when I wonder “what if..??”; I always find it intriguing to think, like it’s my own mental exercise.

Since all my drama began, I would have those thoughts from time to time:

What if I never befriended him?

What if I never believed his lies when I first called it off?

What if I walked out when it got complicated?

What if I called off the marriage like I wanted to when it kept getting complicated?

What if I never agreed to move in with his family after his father died?

What if I never forgave him when he first screwed around?

What if I had decided to stay?

I have a could-have-been answer to each of those, but I really have peace with what really happened versus what could have happened.

But in my darkest hour, one very persisting thought haunts me… what if I never had kids with him?

Every time I find myself asking that question, I realize I’m hitting rock bottom. Don’t get me wrong I love my children, they’re probably the only real thing in my life.

The thought starts creeping in by me thinking “had I not had children with him, I would have walked away for good and never had to look back or be forced to sit and have all those futile arguments”. After all, most of the time I seem to manage not to cross ways with those I don’t like.

Then, I feel horrible having those thoughts in my head, and as I start blaming myself, I hear the other voice justifying “but they deserve better than such messed up parents; and let’s face it, aside from their crazy father, you know you are far away from the perfect mom they deserve. You wouldn’t be wondering what if they were never there if you were a decent mother; but you too want the easy way out, perhaps you’re not much better than him

What I hate the most is that the silly voices in my head are right; I am a lousy mother, the only thing that makes me a good parent is being compared to him.

Now, I should shake off the silly thoughts, and tell myself it will be over; that there are so many reasons behind it all, and that most of which must be good because my kids are two amazing, cute and innocent children who must not pay for the stupid choices I made. I should tell myself to get it together and stop wallowing in those dark thoughts and go try harder at being a better parent.

Well, if you can’t right now, then it’s ok, send Beem to the club with your parents, put Mocha to bed, and go eat away your bad mood with your friend.

Must get ice cream on my way home.


Shimaa Gamal said...

I have another perspective to look at your "what if" thoughts.
What if, all what happened is meant to happen only for your children?

ya3ny the whole story of meeting and marrying your ex was just to bring these boys to the world.

And the whole story of divorcing their father is also for their best interest?

Who told you that what your children need is a perfect mother? Who told you that any mother or father is perfect? Didn't it ever occur to you that our parents' imperfections are the things that make us better persons?

You know what really makes you a perfect mother? It is the fact that you are having these dark thoughts.

So, go easy on yourself. You don't deserve the pain such thoughts bring.

And please the only thing your children need you to do is to stop eating ice cream in the winter :)
hat2olelhom 3'alat ezzay ba3d keda lama ye2ololek nakol ice cream fi 3ez el bard? :)

The.I.inside said...

your constant fear of being a bad mother is admirable, but I think you 2 need to relax, a person who doesn't wonder about possibilities is someone i has yet to meet, since you are doing the best you can for them and their well being comes first , that makes you a good mother in my book. Plus the real test is not now when they are young and cute it's when the cuteness start to fade and the hideous teen starts to show, that's when differs the good from the lousy.
Don't let people around you , convince you that just because you want a divorce you don't put their best interest first. cause i see you do

insomniac said...


i am still trying to get out of the bad mood, fa mesh adra 2a2awe7 :)

i didn't get ice cream :) i was too full, it wwas getting late and i didn't wanna keep my friend out, and my teeth are starting to hurt... but anyway, if i ever get it, i can eat it behind my kids' back so that i cal bs them the egyptian way...

thanks dear for trying to cheer me up and sorry for being so grumpy :)

insomniac said...

thanks I for the your words :)

what's getting to me is that i already question myself on daily basis, and aside from my blog, i never really talk about my issues to anyone, and people just assume that my attitude is out of carelessness!

anyways, thanks dear :)

Anonymous said...

Take it for me. It is never easy to walk away, let alone stay. The problem with us women, guilt is the main driver in our life. We feel guilty about everything and anything.
Divorce is not the milestone, what comes after it is more difficult. The fear the fail again. It will take an exeptional man, and they are so few. Otherwise, you will take your anger to the next relationship. Take the time to heal and it may take a lifetime.

Good luck


insomniac said...


i don't know about all women, but i know i never responded to guilt; if anything, it usually appalled me!

the whole "guilt" thing i am kinda facing these days has to do with knowing that i could do better for my kids, or perhaps that i should! that's why it's getting to me.

here is another thing, i don't want a man to get over any of this, all i really want is to get over it on my own and then i can consider the possibility of a man, which at this particular moment does not sound so appealing :)

thank you very much for your wishes :D