February 8, 2008

A brief walk down memory lane

My college… where I first felt independent, where somehow I realized on my own that people’s opinions didn’t matter, where I made strong friendships with H and K, where I liked spending time with my colleagues but didn’t make friends with most of them!

Where all the people I kept at a distance used to call me “tenka” and “aleeta”, while those I let in knew better! But both agreed that I was the toughest in my group and that I took shit from no one; friends or foes.

Where I fought with H (over the silliest thing ever) and let stupid N and malicious N get in the way. Where I totally ignored her as stupid N took her side and malicious N took mine.

N and her Libra influence on me!! Very few people influence me that way, and I am not so proud I was influenced by her, but I learned a lot; I learned that when you keep crossing that thin line between your morals and ethics and the things you simply rationalize, you no longer see the line.

I am glad H and I talked again, and I am very grateful our friendship became stronger and I am very ashamed she forgave me for having a ‘gazma adeema’ of a brain. Thanks H, you’re the best college gave me really!

My college memories were never something I would hide from! Except because of him! Thanks to him, I’ve been avoiding passing there because it is also where he had his MBA classes and first started dating behind my back. Since I found out, I couldn’t help but tear up every time I pass there, so I simply avoided the whole place and went around it every time there was an errand to run.

Yesterday I passed there… I had to park my car exactly where I used to back in college days! I had to get out and walk in the same streets I once walked as a young girl who thought the world was hers. I didn’t feel like the world wasn’t mine anymore, but for some reason I kept looking down and checking where my feet were!

I had a meeting in the same place I had my katb ketab party! I walked into the same ballroom to see the settings. I didn’t know what my face conveyed really; I simply can’t remember if I smiled or just looked blankly! But as I walked back to my car and passed by where I once picked him up the day I told him the sex of my first baby, I pulled the breaks and allowed that thought to surface: when he had tears in his eyes and kissed my hand, was it because he was happy, or was it because he felt guilty about two timing me?

Then I drove my way shaking off the thought… it doesn’t matter now, does it? It shouldn’t matter; it wouldn’t change a thing really. And so, I played Souad Massi’s Khsara 3aleik and let the streets leading to home soothe me.

I think I just got my college memories back and I can visit them any time I like now without his memory blocking my thinking.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Time it was, and what a time it was, it was
A time of innocence, a time of confidences
Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph
Preserve your memories; They're all that's left youhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahuU3QwWkdg
this is a song you might like.

mahmood said...

I didn't mean to b anonymous, just hit the wrong keyboard.

insomniac said...

i couldn't relate to it really, but thanks :)

mahmood said...

El3afo ya insomniac,
Nice post though, did you think of writing as a pro?! seriously, you have a silky smooth way of writing that captures the reader at least that's the case with me.
as for the song, i guess it must b a different memory lane.

Ran said...

dear insomnic....
i just wanted to say that i've been reading ur blog for a while now and it is really great
i love ur way of writing and believe me i never spend that long before reading someone's post but something in ur way of writing keeps attracting me
may be cos i can relate to some of ur feelings
may be cos we have so much characters in common actually
or may be cos i used to picture my future exactly like you describe ur life
deep inside of me i always felt that i ll fall for the wrong man and i'll live with the consequences
i just want u to know that now i know that even if this happens i still can be strong and go on
i'll still be able to have faith in people i love and thats thanks to u
i wish you all the good things in the world :)
Ran

insomniac said...

Ran,

do u have any idea how sweet ur comment is!! i hope u do :)

i wish u all the strength you need but more importantly, i wish you none of my misfortunes :)

thanks for the writing style part too... don't flatter me that way girl, i might actually believe it... and then i will start writing professionally and humans will suffer :)))

will look forward to more comments from u :)

samurai girl said...

that's such a sad post....
but i like it

insomniac said...

come on samurai girl, i wasn't feeling sad when i wrote that one...

i mean i admit to writing sad posts, just not this one!!

i am glad u liked it tho :))))

samurai girl said...

I know it wasn't intended to be sad... maybe it's just me seeing sadness in almost everything heheh :)

insomniac said...

samurai girl, spend time with more funny people... it works! good company works :)

Sue said...

Insomniac, I really loved this post.

"Where all the people I kept at a distance used to call me “tenka” and “aleeta”, while those I let in knew better! But both agreed that I was the toughest in my group and that I took shit from no one; friends or foes."

mmmm...I guess that makes two of us :).

insomniac said...

so sue, ur a tough girl... good for u. keep it up girl