September 13, 2009

Not exactly random… as incoherent as it may seem!


In the movies, the scene about the moment where events had escalated to its peak would keep haunting the character over and over making them clench and close their eyes in dismay.


It’s not like that. I mean, the moment, that moment haunts me all right, but it only takes a while until I am over the state of shock, or you know, sort of used to it.

Then, in my calmer moods, I get the mysterious feeling of discomfort that can only be explained by flashes of less significant moments haunting me. The kind of moments that would look completely neutral and harmless if you take them out of context; however, if you see the context and consider my character, they would make a whole lot sense on why I feel that way, at least to me!

-----

The subtle yet very disturbing moments would be like how I hate climbing the stairs, how I keep trying to look away, how I can never find those words, or how I just hate driving home, in my car alone with my own thoughts… how in all those moments I feel lonely and all sorts of other things...

One of the strong moments was when I closed my eyes hoping that I’d see clearly, just like that girl; and in the clarity of the moment, all I saw was that little girl who used to close her eyes hoping people wouldn’t be able to see her just like she couldn’t see them with her eyes closed. A tear fell, and I had no words to explain why, I honestly don’t know!

*deep breath in, and out*

-----

just say what’s on your mind, don’t try to find the right words
I can’t! forget about the right words, I can’t find any!
I’m trying to help you open up
I don’t open up easily
exactly…
I can’t, I just don’t know how

I may babble a lot, but I never really do open up. I really didn’t believe it when it was told to me a million times before, but it’s a pattern that everyone seems to identify while I live in my own denial!

-----

The moments come back one more time, and I find myself trying to explain my own actions to myself; it's really hard to bullshit a bullshitter!


Most of it boils down to one thing – I am discovering the very things other people take for granted on daily basis! It’s not good because they keep taking their toll on me as I keep overanalyzing in my endless attempts to understand.

How do people take those things for granted? And is it a good thing or a bad thing that they still come to me as surprise?

-----

I’ve got most of it figured out, why I can’t seem to be able to open up. It comes down to two main reasons; one, I still think that what’s inside me is not to be spoken, rather to be felt and understood without me having to find words that would describe it. Two, the one person to whom I have opened up the most has majorly let me down.

Did I ever really open up? I must have at least thought I did! Actually, at this point I realize I never really loved him, I just thought I did; of course now I am not even sure I believe in that L word much!

-----

If love is a variable, an ever changing one, and if marriages don’t exactly work the way we think they do, then what the hell is the point of all this? Why do we get attracted to that person, or enjoy being with the other, if it all ends up down the drain eventually?

I don’t see myself opening up enough to anyone to either fall in love or get married. I’ve tried both and failed miserably. I open up to friends so easily; not exactly with every single little thing, but at least I do open up easier that I do any other way.

-----

Oh oh oh, another piece to the puzzle, I mistook my pseudo opening up for love, and accordingly got married, which makes even more sense why I wouldn’t let my guard down that way again, lest I get confused and lose my way again.

-----

she has to open up and let her guard down, and allow me to love her” that phrase just makes me laugh, sort of bitterly, but it’s a laugh nonetheless! It makes me feel safe that she will never be me.

It also makes me safe not knowing how exactly he’d have to be, it feel safe how no one feels like him, I’ll freak the day someone feels right!

Ok, like Sandra Bullock cast a spell in Practical Magic so that she’d never fall in love and get her heart broken, I’ll cast mine – he will be able to know and understand those things I never manage to say; he will be the only one who’d know how to take away all the subtle discomfort I constantly feel.

-----

how did you get to be so cynical?
I’ve been alive for a while now
well, I’ve been alive a little bit longer than you have, but I don’t seem to be that cynical! it would drive me crazy!

you’re saying that my cynicism drives you crazy?
no, I am just trying to understand
I guess it just suits me
well then, cynical doesn’t suit me all the way; I really have no idea what suits me best, but I know I can’t get that committed to cynicism

I hate admitting it, I sort of miss him (he who can read my mind like no other), but I don’t want him to ever find me because I know he can’t promise me the happily-ever-after I so sadly still believe in under those layers of my pseudo cynicism. I can’t have him tell me the L word and make me believe in its power again when I know none of it would ever last.

Why can’t cynicism work for me too?!

-----

Time to get some restless sleep.

10 comments:

Rasha* said...

I was talking to a friend a while ago and as he was telling a totally irrelevant story to my question, i asked: why have you gotten married?
he paused,then answered: i could do it...i was supposed to get married...if i waited till i'm 40 i would have...so why wait?!
and that was a fun, intelligent, open minded and decent man i know.
see, some people are just like that...and some other people: miss him who would know every word u speak without having to say them, who would take away all the restlessness and discomfort you feel...and who u wished he'd never find you.
cynical??
hugs ya inso*

Anonymous said...

I think Isno opening up is a step after you have set your expectations low...don't tell me there's not a single successful marriage on earth :D there's got to be one at least , just has to be for the right reasons and goals and ppl will commit to thoses goals.

R

Mohaly said...

There are successful marriages but as we move on year after year, their percentage drops, and part of it is what Rasha's friend has done, getting married for the sake of getting married.

insomniac said...

Rasha,

actually, is it working for your friend? marriage?

i could never marry for that reason, but my reason was the ultimate 3abeet reason; it was a lie that i believed for three years(after two years of planning it) and then took me two years to unravel and two more years to end!! one day i was 19 and poof, and now i am 28 and the only solid proof i have of those years are two adorable kids who deserve better and a numb scar that hurts nonetheless!!!

was that too bitter? i am not bitter over the experience as much as i am over what it could have been otherwise! had i realized that it was not love, whatever love is!

insomniac said...

R,

i can't set my expectations low; this is not something i can do even if i wanted to... part of him being him is that i'd never have to lower my expectations and that he'd always exceed that high bar i have in mind so smoothly and easily he wouldn't even notice how high it is! like Rasha says "effortlessly"!

and i have not yet seen the kind of marriage that would make me smile and think "yep, this is the one i would like to have"!!

insomniac said...

Mohaly,

if you mean that the success rate of each marriage drops as years pass by -depreciates ya3ne, then this just proves my point! it was not for the right reason, only i have no idea what qualifies for a right reason...

there's that kind of peace and comfort that i never see, neither in the midst of the passion nor after the flame has dimmed... and perhaps because it's not there that marriages fail to succeed...

i really don't know what i am talking about, it's a guess...

Anonymous said...

So tell me about the kind of marriage you would like to have ?? :) maybe who knows...it's the month of miracles :D

R

insomniac said...

this is a question no commenting space can endure...

i am not the one to say what a marriage should be like, not even mine since it takes another person i don't even think exists...

bas i want a relaxed relationship that still doesn't lack the impulsive madness... i want to be my restless self from time to time, yet feel my spirit calming with a sense of safety that comes with no strings attached... i want the togetherness and the care but with the enough amount of space and freedom that doesn't suffocate the life out of me... i want to be able to trust blindly and be trusted as blindly knowing that if the feelings ever change, we'd be honest and understand that things don't have to be bitter...

i want it all and i know it doesn't exist but i would never compromise! all or nothing at all!

Anonymous said...

Your dream marriage does exist , i think it's rare but it could happen it's not impossible...what you're asking for is fair enough , not a fairytale or something :)

isA rabena yrzo2k bely nefsek feeh , ed3y enty bas :D

R

insomniac said...

R,

i haven't seen that marriage; i've seen what looked liked it from a far but was anything but it up close!

Rabena yerzo2ny belly nefsy feeh when i am ready to recognize it, because i know that right now, it can hammer me on the head and i would still deny it! and perhaps it would all change, elly nefsy feeh... who knows what will happen!