On being a parent, the things they never told me!

I know I am not alone and I surely know I have it a lot better than other people, alhamdulilah.

However, that does not deny me the right to rant and wonder how to make it better, no???

So here is the deal…

I have two boys, ages (almost) 4 and 2, we live with my family (father, mother, two sisters), my father is usually away Wednesdays to Saturdays and the boys see their dad on Fridays.

Anyone who’s followed my blog long enough would know for a fact that the their father is “zay 3adamo” as an efficient father figure; his only job is to spoil them rotten in the sense of “you’re missing out on lots of fun” which the kids do not pick up on much due to their short attention span. Their father is the same guy who calls me on my cell phone around 5 times when I take a bathroom break away from them and decide to sit down and have coffee to help me survive the stressful outing. AND, he’s the very same guy who keeps receipts of clothes, toys and meals he buys them!!!!! Do I really need to say more?!

I love my kids to pieces; I mean yeah, I whine 30 hours a day about how I miss being just myself without worrying about others the way I do... and yeah I run away in outings with friends whenever possible… but when I am out and I see other people’s kids within the same age as mine, I almost cry because I miss them!! I almost feel my uterus contracting like when they used to be in it and kick!!!!! It makes me feel guilty, an emotion I am not that much used to… momken awy la2enny 7aloofa!

That’s still not the issue; that was an introduction because I am a very talkative person…

Beem (my almost 4 year old) as cute as he is, is showing signs of needing tarbeyah, which I think is critical at his age if I want him to be a half decent human being at some stage of his life, hopefully right after surviving the horrid teenage years.

Looks wise, I think he looks a lot like me despite how everyone keeps saying he takes more after his dad. The reason I am mentioning the looks is that I don’t want anyone out there saying that I am emotionally unstable because he reminds me of his dad that way.

But the poor thing takes after his dad; he’s too analytical, he has very selective memory, he LOVES preaching and arguing like there’s no tomorrow, he never takes the blame and when he does it’s ALWAYS justified, and he uses his charm to get away with EVERYTHING!! For the astrological people out there, his dad is Libra and he’s Virgo; these are more or less the stuff they have in common as sunsigns too!

Now, I keep reminding myself that those things are general things about kids, but let me be accurate; he takes them to the next level!!! And I also realize few of those are good stuff if they’re developed the right way, but I don’t know how to, especially that they remind me of his dad a lot which makes me overreact, yes, I am aware that I do overreact and I am trying to control it!

I appreciate Beem’s IQ, and I love how he is so analytical to the extent that he doesn’t miss a single detail! I like how he remembers things I said; it keeps me on my toes keeping all the promises I make him, but it drives me crazy how he would just pretend to not remember my specific instructions, yes I know he’s only 4, but I have lately realized I can be a perfectionist Nazi (and an ethics Nazi like my friend was telling me)! His arguing skills impress me; very few people leave me speechless the way he does, but the kid has to know at some point that it can be annoying like hell!! And I won’t even comment on placing blame and getting out of it with charm, it makes me want to kill him, and then I look at his cute little face and I want to keep kissing his cheeks and eyes; he’s my CUTE Beem!!

And there’s another problem, the kid barely hangs with people from his gender aside from the rest of boys at the daycare! Between my dad being away and being entitled as a grandparent to spoil him rotten and his dad being a spoilt brat, I don’t have a strong authoritative figure who can also be a role model, which leaves me to do that role! Like I needed more reason to be more “man-like”! Now, I yell in thick scary voice when I have to, I do the threatening walk, and sometimes I hit… my heart aches when I overhear my mom telling him “hatesma3 el kalam walla 2a2ool le mama 3aleik” the way she used to tell me “haaaah, 2a2ool le baba!!”; I don't want to be the bad guy to my kids, not that kind of bad guy anyways... I've always pictured us being more like friends, not really happening :'(

I hate it when I am angry at him, especially that he is so sensitive; all I really want is for him to be able to realize right and wrong on his own and stand up and admit it when he’s wrong and be a man about it!! I realize very few men behave that way, and I realize the little thing is not even 4 yet, and I can tell I am being cruel, but I am scared of the alternative!! I don’t want to be one of those parents who bring more jerks into the world and end up defending their sick actions because there’s nothing that they can do about it!! My friend tells me that being too righteous is just as bad because it might actually lead to the same outcome, and the sad thing is that he’s right and I know it, but it’s HARD to figure out a balance, let alone keeping it!!

And that was just Beem!!!

I have double the worry about Mocha because he copycats his own brother and adds up more attitude since he’s the trouble maker!! I also have to watch out for sibling jealousy and be really smart about it when one of them tries to get the other in trouble (Mocha is a master doing it to Beem!!!), and I have to be very subtle about teaching them a lesson and being fair especially with how hillarious Mocha is (I respond better to good sense of humor than I do to charm!)

I feel tired just writing this, I can’t even imagine having to live it day to day, let alone doing it right!

I love them, I REALLY do, but I keep thinking “I didn’t sign up for this, I wasn’t even that enthusiastic about becoming a mother” (yeah not so motherly of me to say it!!)… A friend of my father laughs and tells me “if you do all the things your dad did with you, you’ll be safe; you and your sisters turned out great”, as sweet as it is, it’s not exactly true; MOREOVER, I am not the father in this scenario, I am the single mother and it makes it twice as hard especially when the other party is such a bad influence and barely acts as any sort of support!!
I don’t know how to be like my father when I still feel like one BIG child myself! I don’t think I’m fit to behave like an adult just yet!! I see now why baba did so many things I once disliked, and I feel for him.

When did it become not-ok to cry and kick the floor when things didn’t go my way!!

eh el suspense da!

I just called my dad...

He said I won't know until tomorrow because they announce the verdict after all sessions scheduled for today, and that it won't be public until tomorrow morning when he sends someone to check it.

Alternatively, I could drive to el tgamo3 el khames and wait until they finish sessions and wait up hoping they would actually tell me.

I feel like crying... oh, and my back is KILLING ME... I think I got too tense to the extent that I heard a cracking sound...

All I want now is to go home and sleep it all off until someone finds out and wakes me; I just can't stand the anxiety anymore!

El Sabr!

Pretending not to count the minutes!

Today is the ruling on my divorce case, the verdict of the appeal for which there was a hearing last February. No closings and no words to be said, not even lawyers to attend; the verdict will just be written somewhere and my dad will have someone read it and tell him on the phone.

I have been counting down the days, but now I can’t seem to be able to count the hours or the minutes for I have no idea at what time I will be getting the news.

Waking up today, I didn’t even want to leave bed or go to work. I wished I could sleep off the whole day until they’d wake me up to tell me. I wanted to tell them to never wake me if I did not get the divorce. But I have work to do, work that can’t be postponed.

I’m scared…

What if the judge is too prejudiced against divorce?

What if the judge decided I am just another spoilt brat who does not deserve to be granted her freedom like the one before him did?

What if he believed that having kids is a good enough reason to stay in a dead-end marriage with a husband who for all the judge knows did not try to reconcile since the first ruling?

I am scared…

I don’t want one more hour of my life wasted, not that I have a clue what to do with my life once this is over. I have spent enough time without making any plans for when it’s over because I was afraid it would keep dragging and those plans would keep falling apart.

Through the past couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to distract myself by doing all sorts of things I wouldn’t normally do. I actually had my back pain checked to think of something other than the tiring anticipation, I go to the physiotherapy session to drown the pain I have in my head by the pain my muscles.

Meanwhile, his attitude is keeping me worried; he subtly hints that it won’t be over yet, he hints it with a sure tone that shakes me so hard as I try to control my facial reactions. He tries every worn out tactic to get under my skin, and I’m ashamed he succeeds although I am aware of those tactics.; he just knows too much about the memories I try so hard not to remember.

I just want that chapter of my life over and done with so that I can put all those bad memories in a box, lock the damn box and burry it somewhere, and throw the key somewhere else, and never find either again.

I am scared the judge won’t end that chapter today.

يا رب

I fear…

heights… it’s manageable, but it gets to me from time to time…

insects and spiders… tried working on my fear by killing them, but I get too hysteric throwing shoes at them and then I get to scared their spirits would haunt my shoes…

becoming another version of my own mother… or my kids resenting me like I sometimes resent her…

death… only because I know it will come when I’m least ready, and because now I have two people depending on me…

growing old… the helplessness and the loneliness scare me, plus, women in my family DO NOT age gracefully…

that my decisions, especially the bad ones, would come back and haunt me…

losing loved ones, either to death or to disappointment followed by detachment and letting go…

looking back and feeling that my life was a total waste…

On hope…

“Hope is a dangerous thing; hope can drive a man insane” Red (Morgan Freeman), The Shawshank Redemption

I believe hope is a good thing; it helps us get by in our darkest hours. Nonetheless, I can see how the above quote can make sense; you see, of all the things that can have a negative impact on a man’s life, hope can top them all because hope in its essence is a good thing. It justifies making decisions perhaps we shouldn’t be making, or believing in things that have previously gotten us disappointed.

They say stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results; sometimes hope is our motivation to do the same thing one more time thinking the result would be more favorable this time, making us more vulnerable to disappointment. Hope is the honey that hides the taste of poison but fails to hide its lethal effect, disappointment and regret.

I am a person who lives by hope. Hope for a better day, hope for better things coming my way. I find my own ways of holding on to whatever hope there is no matter how crappy things seem to be; it’s somewhat my bliss, or perhaps my curse!

I’m afraid I am knowingly taking my own sip of what could be poisoned honey just because I don’t want to allow my doubts and my previous disappointments to get the best of me. I don’t want to give up on my hope and wonder “what if?”... I tell myself it’s ok to have hope even if it turns out to be false, because at least I am quite aware of the possible disappointment, and somewhat ready for it if it takes place.

Does disappointment count when we anticipate it? Does it hurt as much when we know it’s more likely to happen?

Is it stupid to have a hope that had previously led to a disappointment? Or is it simply hopeful?

I guess I should find out on my own even if I end up feeling like an idiot afterwards.

"this only happens to other people"

One of my two best friends has just given birth to the most beautiful baby I have laid eyes on (msA), and I couldn’t possibly be happier that they’re both well and healthy, alhamdulilah. Unfortunately however, I am trapped between happiness and fear, so I thought the only way I would enjoy that happiness is to babble a bit about my fear despite how sick I am of all the whining on my blog.

Those who know me know I am more of an optimist, those who know me well, know about the cynical pessimist who lurks shamefully in the shadows.

The pessimist is fed by worries and fears, by worst case scenarios that jump before my eyes when I hear or see something to my disliking. Luckily, the optimist takes good care of those horrible visions by confirming in a tone as soothing as possible “this only happens to other people”. Even when part of the problem had already started taking its toll on me, I hear my optimist self whispering “it will be ok”, “this too shall pass”, and sometimes when it’s a bit too tough, I get more in touch with my half-abandoned faith and hear phrases like “en ma3 al 3usr yusr” and “everything happens for a reason”

Needless to say, I have daily visions of dark nature that I choose to block for my own well being, most of which have to do with losing a loved one. My self-comforting strategy always worked.The one single time it did not work was when my x’s father died and I started having visions of losing my own father. Back then I was in my 6th month of first pregnancy and “hormonal” was the least to describe me. I used to spend nights crying so hard and praying it would never happen.

The wiser post-pregnancy and labor version of me knows that one day that horrible day will come; my optimist self helps me face that fact using the above strategy in addition to loads of denial.

Lately, a couple of incidents happened (including a huge increase in my father’s sugar level), which affected my defense mechanism. And because I am emotionally crippled (although it barely ever shows on my blog), I hid my worrying from my family and kept telling everyone who’s concerned about my father’s health that it was not alarming given how abusive my father’s eating habits were becoming lately. I kept saying it was ok and that it was nothing a good, well-balanced diet would not take care of.

Only I’m scared to death. Scared to the extent that I wish I could die right now before any of my fears would come true. I asked my dad how it went in my fakest casual tone and I hated his answer. I hate how vague his answer is. I hate that he’s so depressed over being sick that it could negatively affect his health even more. I hate how I can’t sit next to him on the couch and give him a chocolate bite because I am too freakin’ worried. I hate how he has become so silent because I know he’s worried too, even if it was not really that big a thing to worry about; I know my dad worries, I got it from him. I want to yell at him and tell him to cheer up already, that his sugar levels are decreasing and that he will be ok, he must be ok… because those things only happen to other people, to other fathers, not him.

Baba, please cheer up ba2a, balash nakad, 3ashan khater el etneen el mossagal khatar elly beykhalook ted7ak le7ad ma weshak ye7mar we teshra2!

What do you do…?

When you pray for signs and keep all your senses sharp so that you’d notice the smallest ones and do by them…

When you keep getting signs, almost all of them direct you in a certain direction, a road you do not prefer…

When you start doubting those signs but the voice in your head keeps reminding you that it was you who asked for those signs…

When you tell yourself that even signs can be misinterpreted and that you should depend on your instincts to interpret the signs right…

But then your instincts scare the crap out of you and they seem to side with the scary signs telling you to choose a road you wouldn’t prefer…

And that’s when your mind plays its silly tricks, manipulated by your restless worries and your vicious fears, telling you that your instincts were wrong before and got you to misinterpret signs before, that they might as well be wrong now…

When your doubts and insecurities are your new best friend who constantly keep your company making all the air you breathe feel heavy…

When the constant friend you’ve always had, your insomnia leaves you to fall into the pits of troubled sleep where your mind is supposed to referee between all the worries and the fears and the doubts and the insecurities in the very few hours you are expected to rest, only to wake up feeling like a million sticks were beating you on the head!!

You know you can’t succumb to solutions like medications or even suicide; it’s simply not you and you know it so damn well…

So what do you do???

Change!

I was talking to a friend of mine about a movie, doing its critique together, when I found myself asking about change.

Do we change? Is there that one critical point in our lives that changes us to a completely different person? Our conversation went on and on until he asked me if I had changed; after all, I have been through my share of "life-changing" events! That was when I first heard my mind say those words before I typed them…

Yes, I have changed, not a huge significant change though for in a way I am also still the same in so many ways; more like I got to know who I am a little bit better than I once did. I know the things I would do and the things I wouldn’t. I know the things I accept and the things I don’t.

Today, I caught myself wondering if that was my changing point, or was it just a brief re-identification point, and my changing point is about to come and rock my world even harder?! This wondering makes me worry.I am not ready for a changing point, I want to hang in there and enjoy some peace, but knowing me, I know that this is as peaceful as it gets.

I know deep down that the waiting that I resent very much is the only peace I am ever gonna get as far as all this is concerned! At least I get to hide behind the pending events and blame it for everything I don’t like about my life right now. But after that, what will I do? How will I be all the things I want to be? My friend says “live one day at a time”. In fact, everyone who knows me tells me the same advice, what they don’t understand is that I do live each day at a time, only I know that I shouldn’t when it comes to certain things, and knowing that scares me.

Today, just as I am writing these words, I have come to the realization that I am scared and unprepared for whatever comes next. I have over-indulged in the events I’ve been going through, and over-dramatized them to the extent that I could not see or prepare for what's beyond them, to the day they will be over. This leaves me to the fact that I really don’t know what’s next, and I hate not knowing.

I think this is what I need to remind myself if the divorce does not go through next Wednesday. If it doesn’t go through, no need to get too upset or depressed, I am not ready for whatever's next anyway, no?

Cairo… Alex… Cairo, and in between…

Here is what I have been told based on the silliest looking scribbling EVER, I mean it; my artistic skills are below average, way below.

“What or who is controlling your life and suffocating you that much and making you feel like you’re literally unable to breathe? You seem to desperately want to break free and you believe your life will be much better once you get rid of that control”

“You carry a lot of fear; too much fear! You hate the control and you long for it to be over but you have millions of fears that you suppress about that control and what’s to come next”

“Someone is burning! It seems like you decided to discard someone out of your life; there are lots of emotions involved in that decision, like you wish that someone would burn”

“You have sibling? Two?? You feel quite responsible for them, and you worry too much for them. Oh, you say you have two kids, makes more sense. You think you’re the better parent; you don’t believe you’re a great parent, but you are sure their father is that bad, I think this is the person I mentioned! You think your kids will have a happier life and will be able to play and enjoy life with him away”

Then we talked some more! I said I didn’t feel like talking, and that the fact that I did not want to talk was somehow pissing me off because *ahem* I am a talkative person. I talked about how my parents, as understanding as they try to be, seem to never give up on the idea of me going back to him. I talked about how I can no longer cry my heart out to any of my close friends, not even to myself. I talked about how I got used to looking strong in front of others that I am starting to feel numb inside because it seems to be the only way I could hide my own weakness.

I don’t remember if I had ever said that in spoken words, I talked about his emotional abuse! How I believed all the lies he said about me and how I helped him turn me into someone I hated. How I built my world around him and gave up on my own life with all its interests and became so dependant on someone who tampered with my self esteem and made me doubt my own self worth. I don’t remember saying those words out loud before!!

That was when I was told…

“It’s obvious that your decision to get out of that marriage was not merely emotional, which is good because it came with complete conviction, it came from the depth of your soul. It’s only natural because he was your biggest disappointment in life; you gave up on who you are because you thought that was how to love him, and he didn’t appreciate it or take care of you, howa fe3lan mass dammek, we sabek –sorryy- men gheir dam” *smile*

“The pain you’re in now is because you’re feeling lonely; no one around you has the slightest clue about the pain and the damage you feel, because as much as it seems like you share, you have not really shared enough to unburden yourself. You want to do it alone, because you’re afraid you’d count on anyone then be let down again, and you know you’re too vulnerable to be let down at this point, so you want to stand on your own two feet alone, but it’s getting lonely because no one knows and no one understand the fears you have”

“The upside is that you know it will be over, you have that much faith that the pain won’t last forever, which is very good! But you need to also know that it will take time and that you have to be patient, and handle your fears so that you won’t let them ruin the good things you know you have”

“My advice to you is to hang in there! Be patient. Insist on what you chose; say NO to anyone who tries to make you change your mind or talks you into going back. You made the right decision, you will not take care of your kids if you go back to that marriage, as a matter of fact, what’s keeping you from doing better for your kids is the worrying and the burden of all this not being over. You made the right decision, now all you have to do is stick to it, no matter what”

I haven’t been told something I didn’t already know, but being told that by a complete stranger who assumed some of the facts just from my juvenile crap brought me relief. The feeling that someone who had no agenda whatsoever, someone who had no reason to take my side told me I was right and confirmed my need for this marriage to end. Someone acknowledged my pain and validated it without showing me pity and without making me cry or feel vulnerable about any of it. I can fairly say it helped to hear my words spoken by someone who couldn’t care less.

That feeling made my lonely drive to Alexandria at around 9 pm more tolerable than it could have ever been with my fatigue, headache, and toothache and newly discovered blurry vision.

Generally, yesterday was a great day; my best friend D came from the states and I saw her for around 10 minutes before I got my above analysis, then I drove to Alex to see my father who had arrived from KSA, I did not fight with my mother and both my kids seemed happy. I was grateful, until he sent me a text making me get all paranoid and restrict viewing of my blog again!!

As for today, I was with my parents in the car when I heard my dad talking to one of the people who volunteered to help me reconcile with him! I heard how my father kept saying that he would never encourage me to go with the divorce if my x lives up to his promises and shows true remorse! I remembered the words I have been told, I remembered everything without really having to go through all the memories, and just like that I started crying.

It was 2:30 pm, random people in the street could see my face covered with tears I didn’t even bother hiding them by reaching for my shades; what’s the point?! I sobbed and I argued about how I needed my parents to know that there is nothing I want out of him but to let me go. I allowed my mother to see how much pain I was feeling, I allowed myself to feel the pain I was trying to hide. I told them I could no longer even play the game of saying that I am willing to go back if he lives up to my strict, hard and non-negotiable conditions; I no longer have conditions, all I have now is a desperate need of him to let me go.

My mom tried saying nice things, but she failed as always. I can’t say my father was happy about my emotional outburst. My dad called me stupid for saying they did not feel my agony, he mentioned how we should do all we can to maintain the marriage because that’s what “good Muslims” do. I cried even harder when I told him that Islam never mentioned that a wife should live with a husband against her will, my dad argued back that I should have good reasons to not want to share my life with that husband, then I asked him if all that did not count! He tried calming me down and said that I should not be that upset because there is no way my x would live up to any of it, but neither should I say “I want out no matter what he does to get me back”!!!

I don’t get it! I don’t. I hate how my dad uses religion against me that way. I know what he’s doing and I understand it, but making me feel less adequate religion wise because I want a divorce is not going to help me be a better Muslim. Remaining in this marriage for the sake of God is not going to help me practice my faith and keep it! I admit that getting into that dilemma is what helped me find my faith, but going back would cost me my faith and a lot of other things; my sanity, my self respect, my will to live, and me.

I tried to calm down and I engaged in different conversations as we met with other people, but every time I took a glimpse of my mirror image I lingered on how older I looked, how jaded and tired I looked! For the first time I could see how crying makes me look that way.

I wanted to drive all the way back to Cairo; why not, it was 6 pm and the road seemed clear and peaceful and I needed to lose myself in the speed and the music, but I didn’t even argue when the driver said I looked like I could use some rest. I dosed off for a while, but I kept opening my eyes to calls from the x and loud songs playing on my mp3 player. Until I finally woke up to this…

"و صلي عللي قلبك يحبه
تلقى زمانك ضحك في عبه
و داوى قلبك من اللي تاعبه
و الـلـــي لعــب به

و صلي عليه

و صلي عللي يحبه قلبك
و اقف في وجه الريح لقلبك
و اسعى فـ دربك، و مهما دار بك
و مهما طال بك هتنول مطالبك
وتدوق تحلي

ماشية السفينة والريح جفينا
و الموج خفينا، جوعنا حفينا
بس احنا فينا أحلام دفينة
بيها اتغفينا و بكرة تكفينا
و اليل يولي

بصلي عللي حباه تملي
و عللي علي حاسب يا خلي
الاقي املي اكتملي، ماللي
و الخير داخللي و أنا فـ محلي
و يا دي التجلي

و صلي عللي قلبك يحبه
تلقى زمانك ضحك في عبه
و داوى قلبك من اللي تاعبه
و اللـــي لعـــب به

و صلي عليه"

تجلي لـ كاميليــا جبـران**

I am calmer now, I realize there is o way in hell I am going back; I have come way too far already to even worry about being forced to go back. No one can force me into changing my mind, and no one can force me to share my life with him again. All I have to do is hang in there and do the best I can and keep the faith. I can do that, I will.

Until then, I am allowed to get upset when things stir up the way they did today, but I will always remember the words I have been told, and that song, and will pull myself together and move on.

** The lyrics are not hundred percent accurate and my eyes hurt too much to actually search the web, so please let me know if I am wrong on any of it… oh, and the song is worth checking!

Dear Friend,

My father and your mother were friends since college, and their friendship extended to a family level. We traveled together more than once; we were practically family, and I really really liked your family very much, especially your mom; she will always be the mother I never had.

As adolescents, you were a bit of my idol; I always thought you were cool, stylish and had a bright presence that I think I faded out in the background every time we were together. Sometimes I envied you for your sense of humor that could win people over no matter how insensitive it could be. After all, you are Libra; Librans have that charm that make them screw up and not even have to apologize… they just smile, and for some reason they are forgiven. God knows I hate all Librans for that!

As I became a teenager, for some reason, I started disliking you! I have a few reasons but they all seem stupid and dull now, so I would rather not discuss them. Nonetheless, I could never be rude or mean to you because you just don’t allow people to be that way to you. Damn Libra!

What happened???? Well, I kinda know!!!

We both fell for the guys of our dreams. We lived the romantic dream to the fullest; we married the guys we loved. Everyone in our circle of family and friends seemed to be happy for us… how little did we all know! Enough dwelling on that, it turns my stomach!

Well, I know how mine turned out to be; a liar and a cheater with a disturbing twist of delusion and insanity! He did change a lot in me when I was with him; thank God I am considerably over the damage he caused. I am quite aware of the scars, but I would like to think my spirit is still in tact.

What on earth did he do to you?? Last time I saw you, you were pale beyond belief; and it’s not because of your deteriorating health condition, which by the way I think has to do with your extremely low morale. You seemed broken in so many ways it made me wanna tell you a lot of things; I just didn’t think we were ever close enough for me to talk, and I was afraid you’d get hurt if those words came from me.

I would never tell you to walk out on your marriage; I know it is not an easy decision, I know! And perhaps he’s tolerable in ways I wouldn’t understand, perhaps he’s a good father to your children, and perhaps he even has his moments with you. I understand he doesn’t have to be the jerk mine turned out to be, and I honestly wish he isn’t, because you deserve happiness girl.

But please, don’t ever let him kill your spirit or make you feel as miserable the way you looked last time. I know some men can diminish your self worth, but I think it’s basically because they have low self worth themselves. When he’s being obnoxious, remember that you never allowed people to treat you that way without even having to show attitude; that was your gift, use it. And don’t let anyone get under your skin… you are funny, young, beautiful, a good mother and have a kind heart… that’s a lot of things people do not have in one package, if he doesn’t appreciate it enough to acknowledge it, then at least you should!

I can’t promise you things will get better, for I don’t know. Here is what I can promise you: you are loved. By every one of us who knows you, your family, my family, your friends, our mutual friends, and myself.

I wish I could call you up and tell you all that, but I am afraid it could make you cry, I am afraid you would feel the way I do when people call me up and say “are you sure you’re ok”. This phrase makes me realize something must be terribly wrong for people to keep asking and then I start feeling “not ok”.

God bless you and your beautiful kids.