I think this sums it up!

I bought my beautiful red laptop almost two years ago. I call it DelLayla (because it’s Dell, and because I wanted to have a daughter and name her Layla – and I am not having anymore kids khalas). DelLayla is around a year younger than Mocha, she has a scratch on the mouse left button and the letter ‘A’ and it hurts my eyes every time I see them. I thought of selling her and getting a new one, but when I checked the ones available online, I didn’t find one exactly like her, so I promised to keep her until she’s obsolete… oh, and she still has some time, I made her long lasting.

Less than two months after I got myself a new phone for my own birthday, Beem bruised its speaker. A couple of weeks ago, I slipped it inside my purse loosely inserted in its pouch and my keys scratched a part of its screen. Every time I look at my cute red E71, I can’t help but feel the urge to either fix it, or get a new one! Ironically, I only want one exactly similar to it!!

Since the mirror thing, and after enough sanay3eya have tampered with my car during the past week, I can’t stop thinking about selling it and getting a new one. I am not big on the color, but I want something as convenient and within the same price range, only the upgrade of the same model doesn’t attract me the least bit!! I’d go for the older model if I find it in a different color!

It’s exactly the same with my life! It has too many bruises all over, and I constantly want to change it, but I can’t seem to find a different one that suits me! This life is MINE, with all its sad drama and its inconveniences, it still holds my memories, the good ones and the bad ones that shaped me… it holds my kids, who whether I like it or not, remain the one thing that keeps me together even when I no longer have it in me to care! It’s my life, and I do not get another one, and I constantly feel that I’ve messed it up beyond repair; I feel like I’m just waiting until it ends, just like I wait for DelLayla, my phone, and my car to stop functioning so that I won’t feel guilty about throwing them away.

My life is a mess beyond repair. I know it, and try as I might; there is no way of fixing it! Trust me, I’ve seen all the angles and considered all the possibilities, none seems to fit.

Can I just get a new one? I wish I could; I can’t even daydream of a new one because this one keeps haunting me every single minute!

Oh well…

Not exactly random… as incoherent as it may seem!

In the movies, the scene about the moment where events had escalated to its peak would keep haunting the character over and over making them clench and close their eyes in dismay.

It’s not like that. I mean, the moment, that moment haunts me all right, but it only takes a while until I am over the state of shock, or you know, sort of used to it.

Then, in my calmer moods, I get the mysterious feeling of discomfort that can only be explained by flashes of less significant moments haunting me. The kind of moments that would look completely neutral and harmless if you take them out of context; however, if you see the context and consider my character, they would make a whole lot sense on why I feel that way, at least to me!

-----

The subtle yet very disturbing moments would be like how I hate climbing the stairs, how I keep trying to look away, how I can never find those words, or how I just hate driving home, in my car alone with my own thoughts… how in all those moments I feel lonely and all sorts of other things...

One of the strong moments was when I closed my eyes hoping that I’d see clearly, just like that girl; and in the clarity of the moment, all I saw was that little girl who used to close her eyes hoping people wouldn’t be able to see her just like she couldn’t see them with her eyes closed. A tear fell, and I had no words to explain why, I honestly don’t know!

*deep breath in, and out*

-----

“just say what’s on your mind, don’t try to find the right words”
“I can’t! forget about the right words, I can’t find any!”
“I’m trying to help you open up”
“I don’t open up easily”
“exactly…”
“I can’t, I just don’t know how”

I may babble a lot, but I never really do open up. I really didn’t believe it when it was told to me a million times before, but it’s a pattern that everyone seems to identify while I live in my own denial!

-----

The moments come back one more time, and I find myself trying to explain my own actions to myself; it's really hard to bullshit a bullshitter!

Most of it boils down to one thing – I am discovering the very things other people take for granted on daily basis! It’s not good because they keep taking their toll on me as I keep overanalyzing in my endless attempts to understand.

How do people take those things for granted? And is it a good thing or a bad thing that they still come to me as surprise?

-----

I’ve got most of it figured out, why I can’t seem to be able to open up. It comes down to two main reasons; one, I still think that what’s inside me is not to be spoken, rather to be felt and understood without me having to find words that would describe it. Two, the one person to whom I have opened up the most has majorly let me down.

Did I ever really open up? I must have at least thought I did! Actually, at this point I realize I never really loved him, I just thought I did; of course now I am not even sure I believe in that L word much!

-----

If love is a variable, an ever changing one, and if marriages don’t exactly work the way we think they do, then what the hell is the point of all this? Why do we get attracted to that person, or enjoy being with the other, if it all ends up down the drain eventually?

I don’t see myself opening up enough to anyone to either fall in love or get married. I’ve tried both and failed miserably. I open up to friends so easily; not exactly with every single little thing, but at least I do open up easier that I do any other way.

-----

Oh oh oh, another piece to the puzzle, I mistook my pseudo opening up for love, and accordingly got married, which makes even more sense why I wouldn’t let my guard down that way again, lest I get confused and lose my way again.

-----

“she has to open up and let her guard down, and allow me to love her” that phrase just makes me laugh, sort of bitterly, but it’s a laugh nonetheless! It makes me feel safe that she will never be me.

It also makes me safe not knowing how exactly he’d have to be, it feel safe how no one feels like him, I’ll freak the day someone feels right!

Ok, like Sandra Bullock cast a spell in Practical Magic so that she’d never fall in love and get her heart broken, I’ll cast mine – he will be able to know and understand those things I never manage to say; he will be the only one who’d know how to take away all the subtle discomfort I constantly feel.

-----

“how did you get to be so cynical?”
“I’ve been alive for a while now”
“well, I’ve been alive a little bit longer than you have, but I don’t seem to be that cynical! it would drive me crazy!”
“you’re saying that my cynicism drives you crazy?”
“no, I am just trying to understand”
“I guess it just suits me”
“well then, cynical doesn’t suit me all the way; I really have no idea what suits me best, but I know I can’t get that committed to cynicism”

I hate admitting it, I sort of miss him (he who can read my mind like no other), but I don’t want him to ever find me because I know he can’t promise me the happily-ever-after I so sadly still believe in under those layers of my pseudo cynicism. I can’t have him tell me the L word and make me believe in its power again when I know none of it would ever last.

Why can’t cynicism work for me too?!

-----

Time to get some restless sleep.

Friend of Foe?

Do I see the good in people because it's actually there or just because I desperately want to see it?

And by seeing what could be fake-good, am I setting my hopes too high only to fall after disappointment shatters my silly expectations?

It makes me both angry and confused that everyone else views what I see a nice gesture as a twisted and conniving move.

How stupid, delusional, and naïve must I be? Na2a, at this point, I am not unique or kind or even innocent, I must be plain HABLA, not to mention color blind if I fail to see what everyone else sees in bright colors!! I am still not even sure who’s right, those around me or myself?

Could it possibly be that I refuse to see the bad like everyone else because somehow it might diminish my self-worth – people are playing nice because they want something out of me, not because I deserve it…

Or is it simply because I do by people as I like them to do by me!

I can’t believe I still expect the truth from everyone just because I lay my cards as I promise in my most reassuring tone that I will not flee even if it’s not to my liking.

I have honored my word every single time; I have always told the truth, and I kept a straight face and even a compassionate tonee when told things others would reject, and I never showed any signs of dismay.

As hard as it is to believe, that I’d rather be insulted right to my face than be lied to or used without my knowing?

Why the games? Why the possibility of being played? Ufff!

People ask for honesty a lot more often than they can handle it, and more importantly a lot more often than they are willing to give it…

I will never understand people; how could I possibly when I fail to understand myself on daily basis?!

Mesh la3ba!

I don’t want to understand people, I don’t even care about understanding myself anymore; by the time I do I will either be dead or too old to make any use out of it!

But my question still lingers – have people become that cynical or am I that out of place and the world has gone bad a lot more than I can possibly think?!

Would someone bother explaining!

So I already realize people do not respond to me and that I am not in charge of making sure they behave up to my liking.

That being said, would anyone care to explain the following so that I’d stop obsessing and move on…


First, here are the facts that apply to me…


I do not know how to ask for favors, and even if I did, I HATE it… it’s really hard to ask favors even from those I love and cherish…

When my friends, even those who are not close enough ask for favors, I automatically do them without even recognizing them as favors; I only recognize them that way because it’s the word they use when they ask for stuff. I personally don’t believe that I am capable of favors; they are usually trivial stuff I think anyone other than me can do, so why not do them as long as they’re not much trouble for me, I am not a hero!

As for those I do not like, they are more or less eliminated from my calculations when I want stuff; I only think of whatever obstacles they might cause out of their utter dislike of me. Bottom line, I make sure I burn bridges with those I don’t like at all, and I am hundred percent sure I will never look back and wish I hadn’t; I am not a believer of “اللي ماتحتاجش اناهردة وشه، يمكن بكره تحتاج قفاه”, I’d rather die before it happens actually!

It goes without saying that I do not expect those I don’t like to ask favors of me; it doesn’t even cross my mind that it’s possible that someone who is aware of my dislike of him/her would be that delusional to think that not only am I willing to talk to them, but also I’d be willing to go out of my way to do something for them!!


Now, explain that to me…


How could people do all the things, the wrong things that would put me in the place where they are eliminated as explained above, yet have the nerve to ask favors of me!!!

Yes, I can understand that they might not like me yet have it in them to ask something of me… ok, not really understand it, but at least I know it’s possible to happen since people don’t have to do by my own code of ethics.

But to have already burnt most of the bridges, and to have done that knowingly, and then ask for things that require me to pretend nothing ever happened, and act like my usual decent and nice self (kinda), that’s beyond my understanding!!!!


The reason I am wondering...


He called saying he wants to take me and the boys to his family in Zamalek on Friday to celebrate his aunt’s birthday which is one day before Mocha’s. That way, he’d be giving them a chance to be there for Mocha’s birthday since as assumed they’re not on the invitee’s list (he barely made it himself), and to make it look like he could make me forget about the grudge I have for being kicked out and testified against!!

I just can’t believe the nerve, and neither can I find the right words to insult him for such request, which was by the way proposed as a suggestion!!!!! THE NERVE!!!

Wishing and Hoping

There’s an old saying, careful what you wish for

I have this as my greeting on my mobile to remind me to never wish for things…

To just hope and accept when my hopes do not come to reality, and move on…

Never wish so hard because you spend too much energy and you will always end up disappointed, whether you get what you wished for or not.

It's that simple, or at least it should be!

Yet a wish always finds a way to sneak into my heart and into my prayers…

And for whatever reason, it comes true, as farfetched as it could be!

And it's just never the right wish!

I just wish for once that the right wish comes true for a change! And by the right, I mean the one that would really make me happy even if I don’t see it right now!

If that is not possible, then I wish I could just stick to hoping and learn not to get my hopes too high; one simple thing at a time should do…

I wish, no I hope…

And when the anger subsides...

this is exactly how I feel; every note and every word. I feel tired, I feel old, and I feel sad. I don't know if it's causing my anger or caused by it, but I know it's how I feel now.

I will bounce back, I always do...

Until then, enjoy the music!

The Feather, the Flower, the Tree and the Rock

.

The feather is so light; its weight is almost insignificant. There is a mysterious beauty about its pale color and its tiny hair and frail curve. It has no roots; air blows it around to wherever it pleases.

It flies all over; it has no home, how can it when it barely ever settles. I am not sure if it’s a slave to the wind or if it’s free of all ties, but technically, it’s not alive to enjoy the journey, and I wonder how it would feel –if it were alive- about never belonging to one place.

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The flower is a piece of art with its beauty. It has colors so intriguingly matching its green crown and stem and you can see how each flower belongs to its tree. It is tied down alright, but it moves so gracefully in an eternal dance as the gentle wind carries its fragrance all over the place. There’s always a piece of it flying around making you aware of its existence.

With its beauty and its fragile ties, it can easily be pulled out from its roots by strong wind or a hand that wants to possess that beauty. Its life ends so abruptly, the sadder part is that its death seems to be so insignificant; even to the people who see it, it would be a truth to be accepted and then taken for granted! Shame!

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There is some sort of majesty about a tree; it’s a green kingdom in its very own way, it has branches, leaves, little flowers and sometimes even more! Most importantly, it has roots; roots running so deep under the ground tying it too strongly that it would take a hurricane to pose a threat to its existence.

The tree is giving to all its parts, it nourishes every little leaf there is; moreover, it gives people shades in hot summer days that would make them enjoy an occasional gentle breeze. But if a hurricane ever pulls that tree up its root, it is a disaster. Like the fall down of an empire, the tree falls, taking down everything on it, and perhaps even destroying its surroundings. The death/murder of a tree cannot pass unnoticed and cannot be forgiven; you can’t just shake something so strong and not deal with its wrath!

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The rock is not much of a charmer; in fact, no one ever stops to look twice at one! It could have a smooth surface or one that’s too rough. It could have a precious core or it could be just another rock inside and out; either way, people hardly care. The rock has no roots, it’s tied down to nothing; it's only held down by its own weight yet it is very stable. The rock is a small mountain; it would take an enormous change of its surroundings to move it, like tides in the bottom of the sea, or the grains of sand around it burying it or brushing away from it!

The rock lives for no one; it doesn’t even have a life for all I know. The rock is affected by almost nothing; it takes years and years to change anything about it, and the change is always gradual and almost invisible to the average by-passer. The rock lives a long rhetorical life simple because it has none.

----------

I think we’re made of all four, I think having them in the right amounts is what makes us survive trauma and stand up on our feet again. But I also think that the “right amounts” are relative; there are no right amount simply because each one of us is made differently despite being made of the same things.

I don’t know which parts of me are feather, flower, tree or a rock, but I surely related to each.

Like music to my ears…

Some songs have a familiar friendly tune, with music so intriguing and inviting and always making me smile…

I play that music day and night; I just can't get enough of its effect on me…

I hum, I mumble, I sing and I dance… I just can't resist music when it’s so comforting and soothing and not too loud, can anyone resist harmony?

As the song plays over and over again, I know every tune, every moment of silence, and I learn when and how to sing the lyrics; however, it sometimes gets a bit harder when I sing along and skip a breath or a word to catch up with the music…

When I’m on my own, singing the song without the music, I pause to make sure I’m singing it right; it makes me pay more attention to its words, their meanings, and their significance… Sometimes I don’t like the words much; they’re too shallow or perhaps I just can’t relate... Aparently the friendly music was hiding a lot more behind it...

Then, when the same song plays, I think twice before singing along… No, I don’t want to say words I don’t feel; they lost a meaning they never really had; I was only singing along because I was charmed by the music, but now, the meaninglessness takes away the charm from the tune I once liked making

The music becomes an unpleasant reminder... When the song plays, I just skip forward to a familiar tune that I still like, or a new song with a new meaning that perhaps would make me smile…

Sometimes I never let that song play again, sometimes I just smile and let it play in the background without paying any attention, and sometimes I just smile and sing along, for old times’ sake… but never like before…

And you… you’re like that music to my ears…

Unresolved emotional issues

When I was little, I remember barely crying in front of people. I don’t remember or understand why, I just know that whenever I wanted to cry I’d hide from people. Of course, it was always obvious that I cried; I am that transparent, people always knew I was crying, but I always took consolation that they didn’t see me cry.

I was once surprised when one of my school buddies joked saying that I cry so easily; he’d never seen me cry! He said I turn too red, my eyes shine too much he can clearly see the tears, and then I disappear, he said it happened a lot especially when I was angry.

In college, I was only seen crying twice, once after a burst at class, I stormed in the washroom and broke something and started crying. The second time was the day after my late nana died and I went to college for a presentation, right before I started it, I had an argument with a professor and I just couldn’t contain the grief and the anger.

I cried on my wedding day; seeing my dad choking on words and fighting his own tears, seeing my in-laws and how annoying they seemed to be talking about things that do not compare to what my daddy was going through made me want to cry. When D walked towards me to give me a congratulations hug, I told her to hold on to me until I could hold back the tears because I was so determined not to cry, God bless her.

My x was the person who had seen me cry the most; I lived with him for five years. Sometimes for him, sometimes because of him, sometimes he was there and well, I trusted him with my tears even when he caused them. He would have anyone believe that I do nothing but cry, that I have constant emotional outbursts, and he might be right! I just don’t have someone to serve much as a second opinion because no one lived with me that long and the few who had seen me cry are too graceful to complain about it.

Today, I cried. It wasn’t anything special, but it made me think of all the above, it made me reflect on so many things, and the more I realized about myself, the harder I found myself sobbing…

The people I don’t care for, they can NEVER make me cry. There is a thick wall between them and me; however, the only way they can get through is when they make me angry. Anger makes me want to harm them, a punch in the face would do, but neither am I the violent type (even with that temper), nor am I capable of inflicting harm, which makes me feel extremely helpless when dealing with that anger; hence, I cry.

The people I care for, they make me cry so easily and they see me cry so often! This is why I’ve been avoiding most of my friends lately whenever I am feeling blue; I don’t want to burden them, I don’t want to bore them with my emotional crap. I have troubles saying the things I feel to people’s faces, I’ve been working on my emotional expression and I can fairly say I am progressing, with my own terms that is. However, when I am crying, my emotional blabber comes with sobs and incoherent phrases, and I can never risk letting that much out when I have least control over it.

That being said, it confuses me that I cried today because of someone I no longer care for. It is not even the first time; I see it coming every time, and it gets to me every single time! You would think that this happening too often would make me less vulnerable, would make me more able to handle it now that I can predict it, think again! The whole anger and helpless theory does not serve given how often and how predictable the provocation is.

And before you jump to conclusions, it’s not the x. It’s someone whom I don’t have the power to cut off my life yet gets (and has gotten) to influence it big time. I would like to think I have tried working my issues with that person before I declare that I have miserably failed. I would like to say that underneath my anger, I might still care, but I have come to peace with myself accepting that I don’t care.

Ok, I am not sure where I stand emotionally from that person; it’s too confusing. I have strong resentful feelings for that person; everything about them gets on my nerves making me feel like I would wanna beat myself dead before having to spend more time with them! I have come to the realization that the saner choice is to not care, that obsessing over the issue and trying to resolve it will only keep getting to me that perhaps one day I might wake up to find myself another version of that person. I am so scared of one day becoming like that person, one of my biggest horrors.

I just want to know how to block that person out, how to stop them from getting to me that way from ruining every moment of peace I get. I am tired of feeling that way and I am tired of reacting the same way over and over again! I wish I could say more about this but I have just dealt with the whole marriage ending issues, I can’t deal with that now.

So, advice anyone?

You’re calling ME to do YOUR job!!!

I was sitting at work, trying to juggle so many activities and spreading myself why too thin to finish as much tasks as possible before I take tomorrow and Thursday off to relax a bit.

I was writing vouchers, filing documents, talking to colleagues about things I will hand over during my days off, typing emails like a mad woman and balancing the petty cash so that I can re-cash it, all at the same time!!

That was when my mobile rang! Normally I would have silenced it, but I saw a number that looked almost identical to that my sons’ nursery, so I assumed it would be a number I failed to register!

Assuming the worst, I answered to find a Vodafone agent so calmly introducing herself!

Her: Hi, Ms. M? I am R from Vodafone, we have talked before about the USB modems you purchased in the name of your company…
Me (getting really irritated that she called me on my cell and not on my land line! So I decided to develop some attitude especially that she was nowhere to be reached when I tried to resolve a pending matter last week!): *a bit aggressively and impatiently* yes R, I know, I tried contacting you weeks ago about an error in your last bill for those but your company has serious issues letting people get through!
Her: *pretending or not noticing my tone* oh, I was calling to ask you about the number your company bought from us…
Me (interrupting): you mean the original subscription number?
Her: Yes…
Me (really shocked and trying to contain my emotions): excuse me, you have your company database right in front of you, you have my name as a contact person and my personal mobile number which is NOT a Vodafone number, and you’re calling ME because you don’t have the first number my company purchased from yours?!!!
Her: yes, I keep trying to enter the sim no. for the last purchased ones but it doesn’t go through!
Me (practically giving her a shovel to dig her own grave deeper): you realize it’s the second time you do that, last time I assumed you were double checking, apparently you were not!!
Her: yes…
Me (interrupting and trying so hard to not let the victory dose seep through my veins): you mean your system failed to gather all these information when you put my company name?? you realize I had troubles settling the last outstanding invoices because your good ol’ system did not record that my boss signed an authorization in my name to handle all matters with you, that I had to keep calling different people in your company and I eventually had to go down the nearest store myself to meet with your representative because he wouldn’t handle the amended invoice that YOUR COMPANY screwed up, because your system does not read those sim nos.! so instead of fixing all that since the time you first called me a month ago, you’re actually calling me again so that you can issue the wrong invoice AGAIN, so that I can repeat the same vicious cycle AGAIN!!!!
Her (realizing it was TOO LATE to say anything that would fix things): ya fandem, we’re a big company and we have over 10,000 big business accounts…
Me (interrupting): then I would like to think you have the efficient system that supports that much business accounts, and more importantly the efficient employees who know how to correct their mistakes rather than repeat them!
Her: Please give me the number…
Me (interrupting with a cold tone): I am sorry, it’s not my job to help you do yours that way, it’s not my job to help you work around a problem instead of solving it, now excuse me I am having another call on hold and it has to do with my real job
Her: so you won’t give me the number?
Me: NO
*she hung up!*

My Colleague (he was standing there the whole time): *with utter disbelief* WHO ARE YOU?!
Me: *smiling*

I am both overly excited and guilty for torturing her the way I did! I don’t know why I behaved that way, I am usually sweet to people who call for help, but I was really upset she called me too often on my personal cell phone from time to time to ask if I need more lines and that she overlooked my polite request to call on the company number. Or perhaps it was that I kept the erroneous invoices from last month hoping Vodafone would screw up again so that I’d give it all back to them and she just called when I was too busy making me feel interrupted! Bad day for her I guess!

Now, I must really concentrate on how I’m doing my job because I can foretell some serious karma coming my way…

The jigsaw puzzle inside my head…

I’m confused; nothing is making sense, nothing! It’s driving me crazy because I always try to make sense out of everything, to a rather unhealthy extent I suppose.

Every time I sit and try to organize my thoughts or make sense out of the mess in my head is like I had opened a box of an old jigsaw puzzle, the ones with 500 pieces plus. A box I open from time to time, but before I start working on putting each piece into its place, I got overwhelmed with the number of the pieces and their small size.

I know each piece has its own unique place, I am certain; but I am not sure if I have all the pieces. It’s like with every time I had opened that box, I seem to have lost a piece, which means that the big picture, if ever completed, will be missing pieces.

The possibility of finishing that puzzle to find pieces missing scares me; because at this point, I have no idea if those missing pieces are forever lost, or just misplaced in my clutter of a life. Are they important pieces that cannot be replaced and must be found? Or could they be of average or even no importance and could be replaced with vague pieces that only seem to fit in the same void? Or must they remain un-replaced; be it as a reminder of things we lose, a lesson that I should be more careful, or that some things are meant to be lost?

Will I ever sit and finish that puzzle? Will the big picture, if ever completed, look anything like the one I have in the back of my mind? Or has my mind messed with those pieces and altered them in ways that would critically change that big picture? Do I even still have that big picture in the back of my mind like I think, or have I lost it and I am still unaware?

Like I said, I’m confused.

No, it’s not freakin’ ok!

A childhood friend of mine had a brain tumor right on the nerve feeding his right ear. He went to the states around three weeks ago and had the tumor removed, along with his hearing ability in the right ear. Now, he hears absolutely nothing if he sleeps on his left side, blocking his good ear. My friend is now recovering from the surgery and undergoing rehabilitation in order to deal with regaining his balance, since apparently it was not just hearing that he lost. I am grateful he recovered, but I can’t grasp the loss, and I am terrified the tumor would come back.

I’ve last seen my friend during my Luxor and Aswan trip. My friend turns 31 in September. My friend had two beautiful girls, and his wife has just given birth to the third while he was in the states having his surgery. My friend is a good husband and a great daddy.

My friend is a good guy. My friend used to help me carry my kids’ stroller on and off the boat in Aswan. My friend would hold my Beem and soothe him when he noticed I was too tired to walk carrying him. My friend is a good guy.

My dad told me about my friend a couple of hours before the x’s aunt came to visit the kids bearing his cheap gifts. I couldn’t return the toys because my kids were so thrilled, but I did return the clothes and I was too stiff about it, it almost felt like I was kicking her out as I did it.

I was thinking of my friend, and how his health and his time with his kids has been affected for good, while my x enjoys his health and the time he doesn’t bother spending with his kids getting to know them; how my x never really held Mocha and has no clue what Beem would want for his next birthday! How all that seems trivial when compared to how my friend loses touch with his surroundings if he sleeps on the wrong side!

Things like that are hard for me to grasp. Things like this shake my entire existence and make me beg for God’s mercy and beg to understand His wisdom.

حكمتك يا رب

Change!

I was talking to a friend of mine about a movie, doing its critique together, when I found myself asking about change.

Do we change? Is there that one critical point in our lives that changes us to a completely different person? Our conversation went on and on until he asked me if I had changed; after all, I have been through my share of "life-changing" events! That was when I first heard my mind say those words before I typed them…

Yes, I have changed, not a huge significant change though for in a way I am also still the same in so many ways; more like I got to know who I am a little bit better than I once did. I know the things I would do and the things I wouldn’t. I know the things I accept and the things I don’t.

Today, I caught myself wondering if that was my changing point, or was it just a brief re-identification point, and my changing point is about to come and rock my world even harder?! This wondering makes me worry.I am not ready for a changing point, I want to hang in there and enjoy some peace, but knowing me, I know that this is as peaceful as it gets.

I know deep down that the waiting that I resent very much is the only peace I am ever gonna get as far as all this is concerned! At least I get to hide behind the pending events and blame it for everything I don’t like about my life right now. But after that, what will I do? How will I be all the things I want to be? My friend says “live one day at a time”. In fact, everyone who knows me tells me the same advice, what they don’t understand is that I do live each day at a time, only I know that I shouldn’t when it comes to certain things, and knowing that scares me.

Today, just as I am writing these words, I have come to the realization that I am scared and unprepared for whatever comes next. I have over-indulged in the events I’ve been going through, and over-dramatized them to the extent that I could not see or prepare for what's beyond them, to the day they will be over. This leaves me to the fact that I really don’t know what’s next, and I hate not knowing.

I think this is what I need to remind myself if the divorce does not go through next Wednesday. If it doesn’t go through, no need to get too upset or depressed, I am not ready for whatever's next anyway, no?

On my last court session...

I am sick and tired of telling what happened. It sucked on a big scale; however, thank God I am still capable of seeing whatever silver lining I think there is!! I have a few questions though; general wonderings if I may...


When was it ok for a judge to use terms like “7orma” and “7areem”? I mean when did those terms become politically correct?!! I don’t care if he’s from Beni Suef or whatever; there are rules! And if he had a problem with the way people should stand when addressing the court because “el ma7kama leeha e7teramha” then shouldn't he be the first to use terms that are more appropriate??

That might make me sound too arrogant, but is that even ok that someone from a different social class and a different background gets to decide whether I am being a spoilt brat or not!! I mean if a judge comes from where it is ok to call a woman “7orma”, I do not think he would have that much respect for my person to stop and even consider that I do have a right to a divorce, no??

And why is it not ok for me to object?! When someone tells a big fat lie and I say “it did not happen”, how come I get yelled at that way? IT DID NOT FREAKIN HAPPEN YOU MORON, if I don’t say that how else will he know?!

Yeah and how about when a judge knows one of the witnesses belonging to one of the parties?! Shouldn’t he step down and have that case assigned to another judge?? I mean couldn’t him handling this particular case be considered a conflict of interest that way??

And while I’m at it, do judges normally change their mind? I mean, one moment he decides against postponing and goes one with hearing the witnesses, and then questions the witnesses 5 hours later only to change his mind and postpone the session until the other party bring witnesses!!! He could have spared us from the beginning!!!


So that’s more or less it; the judge assigned to my case is an ignorant pro-testosterone jerk who is biased against women due to his upbringing and who does not even seem to believe in women’s right to ask for a divorce; moreover, he probably thinks it’s made to be men’s way out “lama el 7orma men dool modetha tentehy” or whatever! As for the icing on my cake of crap, he happened to know one of my x’s witnesses; beautiful.

Nope, I am not worried! I am mostly pissed and appalled. I know there isn’t much he can do but waste time; but I also know that it is my x’s plan, to make me pay for this divorce by wasting more years from my life! It’s easy to rectify any suspicious legal procedure by another... but days, weeks, months, or even a year or two, will not be replaced.

I am not down or depressed alhamdulilah. I am just angry because I am disappointed at the judge! He should have at least pretended to be fair! I mean it’s their freakin motto; justice. Oh well, justice my...

I’ll go get me some sleep now, and perhaps have a good dream or two... I will daydream of a happier time for now hoping it would extend to my dreams and then extend a bit further to my reality.

Good night

Ya saba7 el “kheir”

I woke up to this at 6:30 am!!!

"كل سنة و موكا طيب و بييم طيب، شئ محزن الحال ده.. لله الأمر من قبل و من بعد.. أنا حزينة والله"

It’s from his youngest aunt, the one with whom I broke bread on daily basis!!

I don’t know how to respond!! Should I tell her that I am even sadder that people with double standards like her exist!! Should I tell her that part of all this is because they brought him up to expect from people what he is incapable of practicing himself?? Or should I just tell her that I have more reasons to be sad since it's my years that were wasted on his account!!

Yala mesh mohem!

Aaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhh

I just got over the phone with the x’s aunt. I was literally jumping on the couch as I was listening to her BS, while my dad was sitting right next to me to make sure I don’t blurt things out, start giving her attitude (I did give some attitude, but I think it was an ok dose considering baba did not give me the “look”), or cry for that matter.

As I hung up, my dad asked me about the things she said, all I could say was “ana men kotr el kalam ma ba2a mostafez mesh 3arfa aftekro!! Ana mesh 3arfa howa mase7lohom mokhohom be asteeka wala homa elly 3alemooh yeb2a keda!!”

I think I have lost my ability to rant for now because it would include repeating what I have been listening to for the past 40 miutes, and it’s just exhausting right now!! I would like to think that I will get my ranting ability back soon enough, but until then…

Oh, I have a general wondering though…

When did people become so ignorant of what’s right and what’s wrong?? Yes, everyone can be subjective at a point, but when did it become the norm?? and when did it become an acknowledged fact that it’s ok to do wrong as long as you admit it to yourself, without having to rectify it or make up for it, and voila, you’re forgiven because you know you did/are still doing wrong?? When did people become so stupid defending themselves and their mistakes that they can literally contradict themselves within a short phrase???

Such people baffle me, and leave me with migraines and seriously disturbed blood pressure.

I guess I just ranted!

Tired, Confused, and Scared…

I just read what I wrote yesterday. If anything, I think it was too depressing; some serious emotional vomit if you ask me, but sadly, I know where it came from.

I am tired, tired of the anticipation of the end, tired of the responsibilities I know are already more than I can handle, tired of getting help from my mother when she keeps making me feel like an endlessly disappointing burden. I am tired of being stuck in a moment, in a situation I definitely did not sign up for. I am tired of being worried and I am tired of wondering when all this will be resolved, I know it will be; I am just not sure when it will happen or what it will take to happen.

I am confused about my current status and my kids’. I am confused about how my life should be until then; I don’t know how to act or behave. I don’t know if I am someone’s wife, and I should live my life up to people’s expectations, people who think my husband is abroad and I am taking care of my kids until he’s back. What if I say it plain and simple: “my marriage is ending; I don’t know how long it will take, but it will end”, and then, do I get to have a little bit more freedom, or would I be tied by more social chains. Either way, I need more emotional freedom than that, at least I know that much. I am also confused whether I should mention him to the kids more often to make them more familiar that they do have a father somewhere, or do I ignore the elephant in the room (more like a dirty ugly rat) until they are old enough to ask.

I am scared, very scared. When this is over, what will happen, what’s next? I’ve been told to live each day at a time and not to over think things and burden myself with worries, but easier said than done. I am scared of the more responsibilities that await me. I am scared of the choices I have to make that I may not be ready for. I am scared of my parents’ control once I am labeled divorcee. I am turning 27 in a couple of months, and I am scared of my parents’ control, does it get anymore pathetic?! It does! I am also scared of a society I despise; not of what the society would think of me, more like what it would think of my kids as they grow up. I know, too soon; but my father sort of throws this at my face from time to time. I know he says it because at some point he used to think that way. Perhaps he kept his own marriage together for my sake and my sisters’, is this why he mom constantly judge me?

Despite being tired, confused and scared, I know I have made the right decision when I decided I could no longer stay. Other women might have done it differently, but I just know I couldn’t. Whatever I write here is not about having second thoughts or thinking what ifs; it’s always about what will come of this when the smoke goes down. I am afraid of my choices, the coming ones. I am afraid I will make more wrong choices when it’s no longer just about me, but also about my kids’ best interest. I don’t know how to take that one day at a time because this much responsibility is too overwhelming, and the help I am getting with the kids, may be good for them, but definitely not good enough for me, and I can’t ask for more. I don’t know how to ask for more.

What’s wrong?

I am sitting right there in my office, having troubles breathing!

Just like that! No apparent reason, nothing in particular is upsetting me… perhaps a thing or two, but not the kind of things that would make it hard to breathe!!

Panic attack?? Naaa, I don’t think I ever had one. I don’t count any of the times I cried so hard or felt so scared, I always had good reasons. I just seem to have none now; I feel so cold and lonely and I just want to cry.

No I am not missing my tooth; there is no such thing as postpartum blues as far as teeth are concerned!

No, he did not pull another stunt; as a matter of fact, I am thankful he reduced his attempts to call to twice or thrice a week, and counting…

Mocha is a little bit sick, but it is ok, it’s not like it’s his first time! And I know he’s being well taken care of at home.

I am not anticipating anything to happen to feel that worried and restless…

I am even strictly silencing all the mad ideas I’ve been getting lately about redecorating my room and buying more stuff; actually I know those ideas are my mind’s way of distracting itself from what’s disturbing me… But what is disturbing me?!!!

I think I am hitting the I-better-sulk-in-bed-and-pretend-to-be-asleep phase, only there will be no sulking in bed or pretending to be asleep since I have “responsibilities” :-/

One of the millions of reasons why I should not be living in Egypt…

I do not know how to bargain!!!

I am a price-list girl. I ask for the price of whatever it is that I like (I prefer price-tagged stuff), if I think it’s appropriate and affordable, I pay with a big smile and a warm thank you then I leave. I even advertise for it!!!

Life shouldn’t be hard that way when the price is out in the open and you and me (i.e. the customers) are able to make an education and rational decision; or at least what we would like to call our own educated and rational decision.

Why do people insist on embarrassing themselves by asking for a discount or a special price?? Why do my girlfriends flirt with sales people and endure their lame jokes to get it?? My friends make fun of me saying that with my expensive taste and the way I talk, I am more likely to get higher prices!!

Which reminds me; why do people ruin my own victory (yeah, I love buying things) by telling me I could have gotten whatever it is that I got for less? Why do they say lame phrases like “enty edda7ak 3aleiky”? And why do I find things for better prices just around the corner when I have already bought the same item???

I am a loyal and dedicated shopper damn it, with an expensive taste and I don’t mind paying when I think it’s worth it; I deserve more respect that that!! Hell, I demand that respect!

my daily dose of crap!

It’s funny how some things keep getting on my nerves no matter how often they happen and how I expect them to happen; and therefore, just should get used to them happening!! Not funny, rather sad.

Good days should not be ruined by the annoying things I expect to happen, the things that happen almost on daily basis, so why do I let it rain on my parade?!!

Could it be because I keep hoping for a better day?? Does my optimism make me overlook the fact that some shit is bound to happen anyway, and that I should be fine with it because at least it does not come unexpected; I mean don’t the say “the devil you know is better than the one you don’t”… but it is a devil; who wants that??

I am sitting on my desk, allowing myself to dwell, and remembering the hurtful things I’ve been told; the same things I have been hearing over and over, letting them get to me and make me feel like crying.

But I am a big girl now; I shouldn’t cry, not over this, but why the hell not? I mean it still gets to me, and as common as it could be, it hurts the same way every day, and sometimes even more when I am vulnerable. It has been ruining a lot of good days since as far as I can remember, and what gets to me the most is that I know there is no way to change it or avoid it.

It is my bad!! For some reason, some idiotic reason I thought that when life throws shit at you, other things should work out just to make up for all the shit. And I kinda expected the rough edges to soften, only they got much harder and caused more pain, thank you very much; as always, no support, only more shit thrown my way. THANK YOU!!

Whoever said that fire should burn and snakes should bite and that we shouldn’t blame the pig for not being a giraffe should come up here and tell me right now who should I blame when the giraffe is a freakin’ pig!!

Ok, I am leaving now; all I have left to say are angry offensive words that will only make me feel guilty.