I'm Moving!

Since moving is something I hope I'd be able to do in 2010, I thought I'd start it virtually first and see how I'd adjust to something different...

I'm on wordpress now, I never saw it coming, and I am still sort of attached to here, but I gotta try new things...

This blog will always feel like home, and perhaps I'd keep coming back to it...

Blogger, Adieu, you've been good to me!!

Oh, I almost forgot... I'll be there

2009, Adieu!

I think 2009 was a good year despite my major losses, disappointments (at myself), and recent downs!

No no no no, I won’t mope or talk about the bad stuff, I will list the good and show my gratitude because I sincerely feel it.

I got my divorce, and that actually felt like 2009’s gift to me!

I spent amazing days at the pool with the Roosh, and people; I think I know how to swim now!!! *gasp*

I got my best birthday surprise ever at the age of 28, and it was so worth the wait!

I travelled like I’ve been wanting for the past two years, and I was on a mommy break too… not a sister break though (:p)… next time, I’m travelling with friends!

I spent quality time with my jazzy friend :) and I refuse to see it under any shade of ka2aba!

I made a few new friends who seem to believe I can things I’m not even sure I can do!!

And, today isA, I will steal a few hours from all the family obligations at home and meet with Rasha for our end-of-year tradition to seal the year.

May 2010 be a better year!

P.S. Rasha, this post is for you, and you better make it today because I don’t wanna say goodbye alone, hay2oolo “el magnoona aheh”

To my Jazzy Friend ;)

Since I just realized that I won’t have enough motivation to wake up that early, not even on working days, I decided to dedicate that song to you; you love Billy, no?

In small cafes (too)…

In quiet streets with old artistic buildings and broken sidewalks…

In every lovely winter’s day, when the sky is clear and the sun is warm…

Until I see you again, I’ll be seeing you :)

Music IS good for the soul, at least my soul…

I can’t say it took away all the feelings from yesterday and sent them to oblivion; they’re still inside waiting for a bluer day to haunt me, but until then…

This will ease my soul a bit…

I found it when I learned that it’s the original Portugese version of Shu Bkhaf, to which I’ve been nostalgic since yesterday…

Thank God for music, and THANK GOD it still works for me!!!

*smile*

It was an unexpected surprise…

It was dark, and I couldn’t see its color…

I kissed and hugged Rasha for giving me such a surprise that made me cheer that way…

I put it on my dashboard all the way to Alex, and I kept glancing at it while driving…

I kept smiling because of all the memories and thoughts that came to mind just because of such little pretty thing...

I arrived home, I unpacked, I changed, I asked mom for something to put it in, but she ignored me and kept asking who got it instead; it made me sort of angry so I decided not to answer…

Beem kept holding on to me wanting me to hug him to sleep… I fell asleep too and forget about my little beauty...

Today, I ran to where I had left it and I was relieved to see it still in good shape, I emptied a vase where mama kept some of her karakeeb, washed it, et voila…

I am not usually a big fan of orange and yellow, but those pastel shades on this particular tulip look amazing, it’s such a delight to keep looking at it…

Thank you ya Roosh, you made sure there would be something to cheer me up every time my mood goes down, at least until it wilts… (mesh hannaked 3aleiki wa2ollek how it will feel when that happens)

Me is happy for now :)

Wrapped within a jazzy tune!

Looking through the window and seeing all those marshmallow clouds around me, I wrapped my shawl around me as jazz tunes tickled all my senses…

It was the perfect setting; finishing up a cup of coffee as my favorite lindt melted in my mouth after a brief chat with the friendly flight attendant, me alone on that row, and Ella and Louis singing… that was when it hit me…

I finally felt that warm fuzzy feeling I was missing most of my trip…

I felt gratitude for it all, I felt the kind of happy I couldn’t feel earlier when I was burdened by all the things that haunted my soul!

The end of my trip did not feel sad like endings are mostly known to be; mine was satisfying.

It all fell into place as the plane slowly came closer to the ground, and I could see the tiny little details through the cotton-candy clouds, I was reminded of my love for details and I remembered those particular ones that made me smile during my trip…

And all of a sudden, it felt like home!

Oh details, I just love you; you make my life!! In you, my true happy moments belong and I am forever grateful that I can see you, even if at the end!

My sweet sweet uncle!!

Late at night after everyone went to bed…

Him: so how are you?
Me: *smiling* I am fine alhamdulilah
Him: and what are your plans?
Me: *babbled on an on about what I plan on doing with my “career” for about 10 whole minutes*
Him: *in a calm tone* I was not asking about your career, I was asking about your personal life
Me: *smiling confusingly*
Him: *almost laughing and using random arm gestures* no one asked me to talk to you about anything I promise…
Me: *interrupting* Khalo, I will get me some water because I’m thirsty and I’ll be back
Him: *laughing* 3ashan tebbala3y kalamy??
Me: Abadan wallahy, bas 3atshana we shaklak 3ayez tetkallem we tenashefly ree2y!

After I got my water…

Me: I have no plans for my personal life… I go to work, I go home spend time with my boys, go out with friends occasionally, the routine family activities and that’s it!
Him: you don’t have plans for what’s next, I mean you don’t want to get married again???
Me: *almost choking on my water* khalo, marriage is not something I’d look forward to
Him: leeh, you’re young, you have your life ahead of you, mat2oleeesh et3a2adti!
Me: *laughing* la2 mat3a2adtesh, bas at this point of my life, I have realized that I never lived for me, and I am also aware that I have two kids of whom I have take care, and between them and myself, I don’t have the time or the energy to work on a relationship, and marriage is just HARD!
Him: it is, but again, you should not be against the concept…
Me: I didn’t exactly say I was against it (I couldn’t tell him what I thought point blank, he would seizure if I do), but let’s look at it from a realistic perspective… marriage is not an easy thing, and we’re a generation of spoilt brats who barely get what marriage really is; I’ve been in an out and I still haven’t figured it out!! Aaand don’t forget, I already have two amazing boys, and I do not want to have any more kids… so marriage is not exactly something I would want!
Him: da sa7ee7, bas bardu you should not rule it out!
Me: *smiling bekhabasa* enta gayebly 3arees walla eh???
Him: *smiling in a way I couldn’t really tell* ya3ne, perhaps I might be of help in that department!
Me: ok, if you find someone whom you think is good enough for me, tell him you have a niece who’s already divorced with two boys, who does not want to have any more kids, who has quite the strong character and is extremely stubborn, she's also opinionated and takes pride to an unhealthy extreme, and finally, she is very particular and picky about everything… and to top it all, she has serious spending issues mostly because she does not realize how much she spends because she doesn’t know how to work numbers in her head… law fedel interested, I’d like to meet him; however, I’m sure that would pretty much scare him off
Him: *looking at me awy* what you said is not all bad, don’t say it like they’re bad things… ya3ne except for the crazy-buying syndrome, which I have too, and apparently it’s genetic!
Me: I never said they were bad things, but they’re who I am and I know it’s a hard thing for a man in our culture to accept... and I really don’t think there are enough men who are good enough for me, as in have it in them to make me happy… oh, tell him also that I have too much ego and think very highly of myself, obviously!!!
Him: ya insomniac, feh nas kowayesa… you can’t rule out the possibility 3ashan you had a bad experience!
Me: ya khalo I know… I just don’t believe en el nas el kowayesa dool keteer, and given how few they are, the possibility of finding among them someone who’d take me the way that I am and be compatible with me are pretty slim, so again, to want to get married again does not make sense if the chances of finding my definition of “good enough candidate” are that slim!
Him: *thinking and nodding*ana fahmek… ana bas 3ayez attamen en you’re moving on and that you have it in you to enjoy your life to the fullest and not let your previous experience ruin any potential chances in your future
Me: *smiling* don’t worry; I’ll try to keep an open mind! But let me tell you this, I don’t need a man or that kind of relationship to live my life to the fullest… I have two amazing boys who need a lot of work, and in sha2 Allah it will be rewarding… and I have good friends who provide me with the company and support I need to survive… and I have a kindhearted dysfunctional family whom I know would stand by my side when I really need it…
Him: *laughing*
Me: sorry about that last part, but you know how we all are!
Him: *nodding* el mohem eny mabsoot enny shayfek kowayessa we 3arfa en mesh de akher el denya!
Me: *smiling so hard and having strong urges to give him a gratitude hug, but surrendering to my inability to show this kind of affection* ana mabsoota enak mabsoot… mesh hatnam ba2a, enta hates7a badry el mafrood (that was my way of showing concern, ya 3eini ya khalo!)
Him: *standing up* ah, yalla tesba7y 3ala kheir…
Me: *standing up and walking behind him* wenta men ahloh

Like I said, my sweet sweet uncle!!!

It’s just hard to explain…

What is happiness?

Is it laughing your heart out? Is it your face blushing with the warmth of those around you? Is it smiling from ear to ear with bright and shiny eyes? Is it contentment and gratitude for everything you have?

I always thought the above were signs of happiness…

Then what is missing? What the hell is wrong with me?

I am laughing my heart out most of the time, my cheeks are all red and my eyes are all shiny and I am growing dimples because of all the smiling! I keep whispering to myself “alhamdulilah” because of how everything just happens!!

But I feel rather sad!!

The kind of sad that creeps inside your heart and makes it afraid of beating!!

It makes me angry at myself for not being able to enjoy all the blessings.

Yes, I am doing my best to overlook that feeling and live each and every moment to the fullest; I literally drag my body to every single experience so that my mind wouldn’t take over with that unexplainable melancholy. But even then, in the midst of my so called “happiness”, I just don’t feel happy!

I am extremely vulnerable to all the little inconveniences, the ones that I know should never bother me, the ones I know didn’t bother me much before because I can always justify them. Now, I just see them loud and clear and I find my face shrinking with disgust!

I try to analyze my moods according to all the colors I buy, but it’s really hard; I keep choosing purple, aquamarine, blue, and then I have strong brown and beige urges, but then I try to focus on pink and coral shades because they bring out my natural blush! When I think of it, I realize I am only choosing those colors because purple matches my new shoes, aquamarine is the closest shade to green that’s not green, and I need to have green to get over my dislike of it, blue, I am just missing blue; it’s familiar, and no matter what I do, I never have enough brown and beige; like I do not belong to earth that way, as for the pink and coral shades, I am just living up to what looks good on me!!

But what is it do I want??? It’s not just about the colors; it’s about everything else I pick!!

Which color? Which mood? Which activity? I find myself choosing everything for a reason, but I never really do anything just because of the utter urge!!

Have I become addicted to sadness? Have I gotten used to resentfulness of all the things I don’t like?

Right now, I have some hole inside my heart aching because I can’t stand certain things that just suffocate me. I wish I could just scream them out and let them fester somewhere else other than my heart, but I am too aware of the potential and unnecessary damage it would cause, so I am taking the chances of harbouring them! I am not even sure I will feel better if I do otherwise.

I found out a couple of things about me though… I am a control freak, at least inside my own head; I want things done in a certain way and I get really angry when they’re done differently even when I don’t show it, and to make it worse, I am usually right, which adds up to my frustration. I also have serious confrontation issues; I’d rather be passive aggressive than point out my dissatisfaction, sometimes out of being considerate to others and sometimes just because I am aware of the futility of acting on my anger!

Speaking of anger, one of the main reasons why I’m angry is that I don’t get why it’s just me who sees all those inconveniences and get annoyed by them the way I do! I hate how my parents made me that way, I am really angry at them for exerting that much effort to teach me to be aware of my behavior so that I would not offend others! I am angry because I am offended by certain people acting on their rather dumb and extreme impulses while I have to hold back my opinions about that because God forbid my opinion would make them uncomfortable!!

Perhaps some day I will just say it and walk out without ever having to look back, just like how I no longer feel a thing about the x! I guess it’s part of who I am; either I care too much or I just give up and replace that built up repressed resentment with indifference, regardless of the person and how close they might be to me!! It’s how I mend my broken heart and my big disappointments; and the scary thing is that I know I would do it with anyone, even my own babies if they ever push that far!!

What kind of person is that who just punishes people by banishing them outside of her existence instead of dealing and talking things through???

I guess the kind who does not pretend to feel things she doesn’t feel, and find it hard to express her gratitude in words, and the kind who has it in her to leave her own babies to go on a much needed vacation.

I am tired of all the judgmental questions. It hurts that my feelings and my pain are taken for granted the way they are just because I guard them so very carefully with all the smiles and laughter and sarcastic comments. It hurts to be viewed as the cold-hearted-ice-bitch I know I'm not but would never admit to it. It hurts to be that sensitive and have people think of me as the other extreme, and it hurts even more that I force myself to fit into the role of that other extreme just to preserve my pride!

It took me two pages of rambling to get a big part of it out… there is more, but like I said, it’s just hard to explain.

P.S. I may not be feeling the kind of happy I wish I’d feel, but I am surely having fun, aside from all the enforced guilt… and I am grateful, for everything… alhamdulilah.

A dream-induced nostalgia!

Days ago, I had a dream, a strange one…

I was in the art therapy studio, knowing that Dr. M had passed away, I don’t exactly remember if there were other people, but I was very close to the wall that had his self portraits and none of them was there!

I kept touching the bare walls as I fought to hold back my tears… I wanted to cry so badly…

I woke up feeling extremely down and depressed…

The same day I visited an old friend from my previous job at her home… she had a big portrait of our late boss S, the one I loved and respected.

I kept staring at the old photo with her skin revealing that it was taken when she was younger than when I’ve known her… and I forced the words to come to my mouth “Allah yer7amek ya S” then I paused and said “wa7shany awy!”

Today, I was in downtown running a government related errand. While waiting for the driver to pick me up, I decided to walk around; I was in my sneakers and the weather was nice. I kept walking from one random street to the other until I stopped to read the name of the street - “شارع شمبليون”… I stopped, looked across the street to the far extension on its other side and realized that I was a few blocks away from the Art Therapy Center. I stood there for a while as if I was lost, my eyes had tears and my heart felt heavy, then I said “Allah yer7amak ya Dr. M” and got on the sidewalk and continued walking towards Tahrir Square.

Other than that, I had a good day. Alhamdulilah.

I was off to bed, and I suddenly remembered all that and had the strong urge to write about it, so there!

الحمد لله

IBHOG came up with the best idea that inspired my long lost Ramadan spirit. For the rules, go to IBHOG’s…

I am grateful for…

- My boys. I remember being pregnant and depressed, I remember my one wish was healthy and smart kids (I have very low tolerance of stupidity), and every time I look at them, I feel grateful because they are much better than I could have ever wished! Beem is loving and tender, and Mocha is witty and hilarious… and they both take a lot more after me than their dad. BLESSED is what I feel when I think of my boys, and sometimes also BURDENED because I don’t know how to cherish such bliss.

- My friends. I have quite the variety, how different their interests and backgrounds are, and yet they have at least one thing in common, me. They make me feel loved and accepted, and the smallest gesture they do touches me too deep, be it a phone call when I am down to cheer me up or a ride when I am too depressed to tell the directions for myself. More importantly, they make it feel like I have well deserved it; they make me feel like I am as a good friend as they are. APPRECIATED and LOVED is what I feel when I think of my friends.

- My Father. He is my wall, knowing that he is there for me gives me a sense of protection I know no one else can give. SAFE is what I feel whenever I think of my father.

- My Job. At first, I thought it was a career dead-end -which it probably is to anyone else-, but now I appreciate the low level of tension, especially with my drama. As overqualified as I think I am for my job (business grad, marketing concentration, yet working in administration), I still have a decent status there, a good pay and benefits, not to mention that I have the nicest boss in the world who makes up for the colleagues who may push the wrong buttons sometimes. LUCKY is what I feel when I think of my job.

- Me. No, I am not being conceited, but I have a lot of good things going for me and I know it; I am relatively healthy, I’ve been told I am smart and good looking, I come from a respectable family, I received good education, and I have decent financial means that spare me worrying about the future. PRIVILEGED and CONTENT is what I feel when I think of all those things God has granted me.

- The wishes I am granted. Every time I kneeled and prayed for something, God has granted it to me; it made me seal every prayer with asking God not to grant me what’s not good for me because I know I don’t know what’s best for me most of the time. THANKFUL, OVERWHELMED, AWED, and CHALLENGED is what I feel every time a prayer is answered.

Those might have seemed like six blessings, but there's a lot more to each, especially the last two; they're ever growing, not to mention too many to count!

الحمد لله

I invite my fellow bloggers on the blog-roll to take the time and do that tag, and those who like to comment as anons as well.

Some of what I have gotten figured out so far…

This is not exactly a post; it is only post material because it was too long a reply for IBHOG’s comment on my previous post, and well, it got me to reflect a little bit on who I am!

I must say that it will be in the form of a comment reply, only with a beginning and an ending for each sentence and appropriate capitalizations when there should be any… here is goes:

I do not hate gray areas as much as I used to (I am 28, no longer 22, it could be an age thing). Now, I acknowledge and accept the gray area, but I never feel comfortable there myself. I remain emotionally detached from those who prefer
the gray area as much as I try not to judge them for it. If I am to give a person the keys to who I am, they can either be black or white; then leave it to me to take whatever risks there might be, knowing what the stakes are!

I would never forgive or trust someone who had lied to my face. I have told my own share of lies when I –thought I- had to out of self-preservation, but they were never told with cold blood. It's actually very easy to tell when I am lying regardless of how brilliant my lie is (I don't lack the logical imagination). I no longer tell lies because they are simply not worth it, not worth how undignified would feel when those lies unravel, and lies always do!

Right and wrong, I see them clearly. Even when I am choosing wrong over right, I would never fool myself or justify by lying; when I do wrong, I either think it's right and admit it later with shame written all over me, or I simply say "it is probably wrong, but I am doing it anyway" (stubborn as a mule syndrome). But I know not everyone sees things the way I do, or at least I keep reminding myself of that on daily basis (I am seriously thinking I’d have it written in a bold font, framed and put on my night stand).

I can’t say I have an eye for victims. If anything, I could be intolerant of the cliché victims, the ones that whine and complain nonstop; I tend to think that the real victims are the ones who have too much pride to sit around and mope, so they try to pretend that it’s all ok. I see them, and I wish I could hold them and let them cry the tears I never could, but then I would ruin the act they maintain to be able to… live?

I’ve been told a lot that I am a child and that I am really naïve, and I am aware of that because I still take certain things for granted. However, I think I have been shocked in a sense because the very same things I take for granted are the ones I am forced to constantly doubt!!!! For example, I am known for that phrase “why would he/she lie, they they really didn't have to!”, but now I find myself analyzing things I’ve been told making sure I didn’t miss any hidden meanings that could change the whole message I was sent!!!

It could be what bad experience has done to me, but why do I still act all naïve like no one would expect?? (I have two friends who constantly send out vibes that they want to snap my neck because I am “sazga”). But with every singly birthday, and with every month away from it, I find myself wondering where my years have gone and wonder how I missed out on the little things I wanted to do when I feel too old to do them already!! It’s sad and I don’t dwell; thank God for my short attention span, sometimes I think I cling to it with everything I got to help me survive.

I talk with myself since the day I mastered speech. I had all sorts of imaginary friends until I finally settled that there is another me who listens and understands like no other. We talk a lot and we get along most of the time, and I am miserable when we’re mad at one another. I see every conversation I had/about to have with anyone in so many scenarios and sometimes I finish the conversation differently in my head just to put my troubled soul at ease.

Would you sleep with a mind that functions that way? I sleep, for two hours, and then I wake up and think some more until my thoughts take me back to sleep and then abandon me two our later to wake up on a new thought. I am a very light sleeper and I barely wake up feeling like I’ve had enough sleep.

I don’t know how to say the words I have in mind, I write them better than I say them. Ironically, my therapist showed amazement at how articulate I am when I first visited her. But I have a friend who agrees that I blurt stuff more than I should, and that it sort of gets me in trouble most of the time.

I only know I live in a bubble because I have been told that by almost everyone I know!! And because since the moment I decided to believe them, and took a real step out of my bubble and tried to see things for what they really are, I rushed back into my bubble and wished I never stepped out. Fetal position comes to mind when I think of my bubble versus the real world!

As for being strong, it comes and goes, when it goes, I see myself falling into little pieces, but Alhamdulilah it comes back shortly after and I see myself being gathered again!! I wish I could describe it more eloquently, but it’s the closest to how it feels most of the time; it could be because I am moody or I could be moody because my strength comes and goes, either way will do!

Compassion and carefulness, I don’t know, but sometimes I find myself unable to show the compassion I feel because I am afraid I would be intruding or that my compassion would be misinterpreted as sympathy and would bruise someone’s pride in the process, and it hurts to think that! Is that carefulness, or just some sort of temporary emotional paralysis? I am cynical, but under that thick layer of cynicism, hides a helpless Utopian who has high hopes, the kind that sends me blindly to my own cliff, don’t they say that cynics are the mushiest, or something of the sort?

Thanks IBHOG for helping me put what I knew about myself in words!

The rest of the reply to your comment belongs to the comment page, because it’s not about me to publish.

After midnight blabbers…

It’s been a while, and I keep having random thoughts in my head that drive me insane, but not long enough for me to write them down. However, tonight I just have an unbearable urge to let them out, or at least some...


This is one of the loud thoughts I have in my head…

Wouldn’t this world be a much better place if each one of us believed that everyone is someone else’s father/mother, son/daughter, brother/sister and/or, husband/wife… as in that each and everyone one of us has a bunch of people in his/her life who think great deal of him/her!!

Yeah, I am starting to understand why exactly most of my friends think I need to be admitted into some facility that “protects” people like me! But really, just take a moment to imagine it; better yet, take a minute to think of someone you dislike as someone else’s special person! (I don’t necessarily mean special special)



This word keeps echoing in my head for no good reason!

Yearning, as in: Longing, aching, nostalgic… I have no idea for what!!



Current Soundtrack…

Charles Aznavour Duos!! I still can’t get over the intensity of his voice in different languages! The way he says each word makes my heart skip beats!!!!

Nina Simone’s The Keeper of the Flame made me tear up when it played randomly in the car; I wasn’t even paying attention to the lyrics, but the music definitely hit a nerve I am unaware of!

I am not sure if the soundtrack stirred the nostalgia and the yearning or if I am vulnerable to the music because of those feeling; either way, they get along fine!!



The daily annoyances…

The infamous X… the annoying colleague at work who wouldn’t let me ignore him… and the governmental officials that make me want to forget about them being someone else’s special and kill them or wish them horrible deaths, especially that freakin’ officer with the dirty looks, I wish that one turns blind!!

I should have also mentioned the evil side of me since I am wishing all the above all the shit they made me go through during the past few days!



My little blessings

My cute little monsters of kids; I can’t get over how sweet and kind Beem is, and how hilarious and cute my Mocha is, pretty much makes up for how nagging Beem can be and how crazy and aggressive Mocha is!!

The little extra bonus at work and the medical insurance refund (yeah I kinda need the money)

My dad’s little surprise that I hope would come to term without any disappointment (God, I know I am asking for way too much!!)

The few laughs I had with Rasha yesterday and today, aside from the nakad movie that had the poor thing sobbing!



The things I KNOW I should do...

Show God my gratitude, as in do my prayers on time we balash estehbal… Clean up the damn room… save money… spend more time with the boys and enjoy them… watch out… finalize all pendings at work on daily basis or whatever closest ( I hate loose ends at work and I’ve been leaving a lot behind!)… catch up with a lot of my friends…

There must be a lot more but I am too tired now; I think I’ll call it a night…



Hoping and praying for a good weekend pour moi and for all of you out there… be well.

Pending Reflections…

At the Physiotherapist’s…

“Just relax, let go!”
“I can’t!!”


At my Birthday Party…

“I am just too happy that I have nothing in mind that I can possibly wish for!”


My friend…

“Well sounds like you're surrounded by ppl who love you”

“What would you wish me?”
“Happiness, eternal happiness”


Will…

“Life is treating me well since my BD!!!”
“I think life thinks you've had enough”
“hehe, only it's never smart to actually believe that; life usually waits till u completely let your guard down”
“Well sometimes it's smart to believe that for a while”


At the Hairdresser’s while having my nails done…

“enty betsheddy a3sabbek awy!”
“haha, ma3lesh asfa, asly wakhda 3ala keda!”


So to sum up what I had in mind…

I am incapable of just relaxing and enjoying the good stuff that life gives me!

Yet, apparently when I am happy, my friends seem to wish me more happiness because I am such good company that way!

I worry… and I am too afraid of letting my guard down; it's understandable given all I've been through! Or so I would like to believe.

I am too tense, even when I am supposedly relaxed!!

What can I say, I’d rather be hit to the face as painful and humiliating as it can be, rather than being stabbed in the back; at least I can see it coming.

Today I was slapped at the face, and it still felt too personal and as painful as a stab in the back!

Bounced back instantly though; if there is anything for me to have learnt during those past few days was that happiness is too precious to be lost over such a jerk, or any other jerk for that matter!

I have a couple of things to learn… keep on my exercises so that my back wouldn’t relapse… and learn to bask in my happiness and enjoy it to the fullest; let my guard down and hope my happiness will protect me!

Still, hold on to the things that make me who I am because these are the things that make me deserve the good things I have…

So change, and yet remain who I am!

And I thought it was gonna be hard!

A reoccurring dream…

A long day at the pool with my boys, followed by post pool exhaustion and an unusual earache!

I walked somewhere, and I saw him; his kind face and his peaceful aura…

“But you’re dead!!” I thought…

He smiled and said nothing…

“How come you’re dead, and yet I keep seeing you alive and well… like you’re always there, like your death was a bad dream!” I kept wondering…

He smiled even more and told me in his calmest tone of voice “I never really left, I will always be here, and you’ll always know where to find me”

I walked towards him to touch his hand, and before I knew it, I felt my Mocha climbing next to me in bed and laying in my arm…

I woke up to see the nanny putting Beem in bed and mumbled something to her before I hugged Mocha.

I closed my eyes again…

Then I opened them wide; I had just realized that it was a dream!

I don’t know if it’s the first time I have it, or if I had already done a couple of times, but it felt so familiar!

I felt peace… They say it's a good sign to dream of dead ones looking so good!

And I said a prayer for him.

Never Been Happier!!

I don’t think I can put in words, but for the sake of all the sadness on this blog, I should at least try! So excuse the incoherence and inadequate choice of words; I’m too happy to actually find the right words to describe any of it!

I knew Rasha was on to something when I saw two of my friends recently added to her list of friends. She hid the FB notification, but she couldn’t hide their becoming mutual friends from me; strangely enough, I stumbled on her profile accidentally!!!

All I wanted was to sit somewhere quiet where Rasha, D and whomever of my friends would join for a get together. I knew it was not that easy given how not all of my friends know one another and I didn’t even ask or say how it would be great. I told a couple of my friends to join so casually so that they wouldn’t feel urged to since it was my birthday and all!

I lost track of my doubts about Rasha planning something; she was really subtle, she was not too hectic or too nervous for me to tell. Actually, she was too calm and quiet and she managed to orchestrate everything and divide the distraction equally among the rest of my friends. I always thought I’d figure you out Rasha because of how nervous you get when you’re on to something!!!

Mayo & Dee called me on my way to go some scarf shopping and made me change my plans. I drove the kids home, met with the girls to do my scarf shopping, and planned to go to the hair dresser’s for some pampering! Dee claimed she needed to shop for a very specific top in order to stall, and Mayo was about to buy a hideous golden belt just to keep me distracted. We went to shops we never shop in and poor Dee actually tried on a set of hideous stuff and made me laugh until I got cramps!!!!!

Not just that, they made me try an outfit and had me buy it because it looked good on me. Mayo urged me to change into that outfit so that I’d be wearing something new on my birthday. I love the outfit and I’d wear it everyday to remind me of the evening I had!

Honestly, the girls did all they could to keep me away from Condetti until everyone was there to surprise me! They even arranged with my sis to buy me some time at home so that I won’t have to be home early. Really appreciated that!

Although I take pride in my ability to connect the dots, I must say everyone did a great job yesterday distracting me that despite all the signs I just stopped suspecting anything!

I still laugh at how I stumbled on Mayo & Dee all parked and getting out of the car to beat me to Condetti and surprise me after I had supposedly left them, yet I didn't pick on it much when Dee said she had forgotten her jacket in my car (which she did)! Or parking right behind Will’s car and thinking “doesn’t will drive a similar car?!” and then shaking it off!! 2al connect the dots 2al, ya fde7ty!

I was carrying my pillowcase of a laptop and walking into Condetti aiming for the non-smoking area when I noticed how the waiters had somehow blocked my way so that I’d head for the smoking area where almost everyone was laughing while waiting for me, (did you guys scream surprise, I honestly can’t remember!!)

I saw my sisters, D, Will, Mayo & Dee and I was shaken and shivering and mumbling stuff, I can’t really remember; all I remember is that I was actually surprised and happy!

Before I noticed, either Mayo or Dee placed the Derby Hat on my head while Will was giving me my birthday gift (thanks for the perfume, you know I love!) The moment I felt the hat on my head I asked about Rasha for I’ve been nagging for God knows how long for one!!(I wore it to work today)

I sat next to my D and my body couldn’t stop shaking from all the happiness and excitement. I never knew I could shake and shiver that way out of happiness; I have only tried it when I was angry! It feels AMAZING when you’re happy!

A while later, Rasha arrived.

I sat there feeling like I couldn’t possibly be happier!

A while later A joined and I just didn’t think he was gonna make it!!

And just as I thought that was it and was about to get comfy and adjusted to the amazing surprises, Ahmed joined!!! Now Rasha, that was beyond any expectations and I was SHOCKED, in a very good way.

I couldn’t believe how sweet and friendly Ahmed was… such a nice guy!

I kept getting hot and cold episodes which made me shiver; you see, I don’t think I am used to that much happiness!! Remembering it, I can still shiver!! A kept saying I was crazy complaining about how hot then shivering!

I ended up sitting on the couch next to D leaning on her shoulder. For a while there, I sat there and watched everyone talking, joking and laughing and I secreting wondered to myself “All those people gathered to make a remarkably good day! I must have done something amazing in my life to deserve that much effort out of each and everyone one of them” I felt loved, and it felt GREAT!

Ahmed said I should say a speech!

It couldn’t be any cheesier, but it was genuine!! Yes, I had no wishes to think of, I had all I could possibly ask for, friends who were there to make me happy and who would go to such measures to do it!

That was when each wished me something. I got sweet wishes and funny wishes, and even wishes that I was promised wouldn’t come true ;) not to mention wishes that got my sis hit!

Before Ahmed left he asked me to choose a song for him to sing me on my birthday. I had too many in mind but I thought I should ask for my “feel good song”; Somewhere Beyond the Sea. And he sang it :)

And then there was my “cake”… gardal Profitrole!!!

Rasha!! You managed to orchestrate a day made of my favorite things!!! And you had such a perfect team, even the ones who couldn’t make it were amazing.

I couldn’t be happier and I seriously couldn’t be more grateful!!

You guys are leaving me speechless!! How could I possibly do the same for you? I couldn’t possibly top what you’ve done for me even if I tried!!!!!!

I am speechless… I am happy… and I am eternally grateful…

This is by all means the best birthday I’ve ever had!

THANKS!

Grateful!

A year ago, I wished for something extraordinary for my birthday.

Throughout the year, I had one constant wish; get my divorce before I turn 28.

That was the gift May (the month) promised, and that’s the gift it delivered after too much anticipation. I am no longer his wife. Although I have not been his wife all through the past two years, it feels good to know that no law binds me to him anymore.

May also threw in another gift, my best friend D is back to Egypt for good. I can still remember August 2007 when I was crying my heart out because she was moving there for two years. It’s funny how I can almost cry again at the thought of her leaving me alone in the midst of all my drama; makes me twice as grateful that she’s back. Of course she’s still jet-lagging her brains off, but we have all the time to catch up.

For the first time in a long time I have no great wishes for my birthday, only small material ones like a pair of shoes I liked or some accessories I am too broke to spare money buying after my last online shopping spree (yes hints for my sisters)!

Otherwise, I am thankful that way!! I have no wish for ultimate happiness because I would like to believe that I have it in me to see the little happiness-es that come my way and help me through crappy days, and I am old enough to realize it counts for a lot more than a grand happiness disappearing due to a horrible tragedy.

So June, you can come peacefully without any promises of things getting better. Oh ok, promise me I won’t look 28, and neither will I look 30 in two years :)

I am still trying to figure out how I will spend tomorrow, I’m contemplating taking the day off and doing all sorts of things that randomly come to mind. I wish I could see all my friends at the same time, but my friends are too diverse to gather in one place and have fun, so I will just make myself time with each at a time... it's actually good because this way I get to expand my birthday to more than just one day ;)

Tomorrow I turn 28, and I have enough good things in my life that make up for the not so good ones!

This year, no birthday blues for a change :)

One Fine Day

A couple of days ago, I posted that there were certain thing I was looking forward to and things I wished for among the Eight Tag. Little did I know that I would get some of those on the same day!!

Behold people, some joy for a change…

I took a day off, which would pretty much count as a vacation from everything. The fact that it was one day made it easier to dodge my mommy responsibilities for a while since the boys are ususally at the nursery during my working hours.

I met with Rasha, had coffee and breakfast, a few hours later, we went to the pool and spent the rest of the working day.

The hours just flew! Yet, I am grateful for every single minute…

Grateful for the time off from my daily routine…

Grateful for the early walk…

Grateful for the breeze brushing my hair and for actually releasing those curls where there was sun and air!

Grateful for Turkish coffee that helped me up all through the day…

Grateful for the tan (and I am so willing to go for more)

But most of all, grateful for the amazing company! Rasha, you ROCK!

Aaaaaand, today my car got some maintenance while I was getting mine :)

We kaman, my physiotherapist said my back was MUCH better alhamdulilah, and he actually seemed to mean it; he said it without that cynical indifferent tone of his! He said I should do more walking and go for swimming!!

Oh oh oh, and I think soon enough I will get to the whole hair-coloring thing, Rasha helped me decide on the color!

May is wrapping up nicely and sending me off to my birthday with a smile :)

I know it’s greedy, but I can’t help but hope for a good dream as I go off to bed in a while… we 3ala ra2y B “elly yela2y dala3 wala yeddala3sh….”

Anyway, sweet dreams or not, I am grateful… الحمد لله

Random blabber on a hectic week!

I am finishing off one hell of a crazy crazy week!

My boss told me a month ago that our company will be an exhibitor in some event and that I’d be “mas7oola” but I didn’t believe it, basically because all maters were supposedly arranged by the HO, which made it seem like all I had to do is dress up and look pretty! But Nooooooo!

Luckily I had a good Saturday afternoon to prepare me for that, I met up with Slop, Sou, IQ and Ma 3alina and actually had the healthiest meal until today!

So back to the madness; here are some quick and random stuff from the week…


Guys do PMS! I don’t care how many guys out there will yell at me for it, but dudes, FACE IT! You do PMS on regular basis, or as Mayo says “between each cigarette and the other”! The scary part is that you do it without our “crazy hormones”! You think you have God’s given right to lose your temper just because you’re “under stress”, which is by the way the same kind of stress people around you are dealing with! That’s what I had in mind when my colleague was behaving like a total prick; I wanted to tell him “ma testargel showaya” but I realized it would give him more right to whine and bitch without trying to actually fix things! Anyways, I gave it to him bad, real bad. That’s what one gets for giving me the wrong kind of treatment. PMSing dudes, you’ve been warned.


Walking in Nasr City malls with a Gulfie man is not something any woman should do, especially if we’re asking for table cloth at shops that sell newlyweds kinda stuff. VERY BAD IDEA! I realized that when I got “the look”; it was awkward and very embarrassing that I asked my colleague to wait in the car and let me handle things! And dear fellow Egyptians, you really have it in you to behave like pimps, more than you would like to admit!


VIPs are overrated. If I am to develop any prejudices, I would make it about VIPs or hotshots, and especially the people who follow them around and make such a big fuss about their presence; they make you forget that they’re just humans! THEY ARE HUMANS. Sadly, we make strong symbols out of them and associate mostly negative feelings to them because no one hates to feel unimportant, yet we all do in comparison.


On the other hand, there are people who work with/for those hotshots who are as sweet and decent as you may never really guess. I have managed to talk to about 4 of those and I got better treatment than I expected. I realize they were mostly nice to me because my name was associated with my boss’s and he’s one popular man (whom I am crazy about). Nonetheless, some people can still be stiff and arrogant, those people simply were not!


Oh, and did I mention, my boss is such an amazing man, and for that I am eternally grateful. He makes sure I am not being abused by my colleagues, he gives me credit for everything I do, and he thanks me for it. I guess this sort of makes up for the rotten deal I got on the husband! Oh, I meant X-husband ;)

I am proud of my Kov ;)

And that guy from last week’s audit emailed me yesterday thanking me for my great assistance! I was really grateful someone was that nice! Does that by any chance mean that I have become cynical due to being taken for granted and subjected to emotional abuse?


Yesterday, the physiotherapist said my back seemed significantly better, despite the exhaustion, the leg crossing, and the painful heels!!! He said I needed to do my exercises more seriously though because my muscles are still too weak! And who falls asleep during a session, certainly not an insomniac! Anyways, disc or not, I think my pain has to do with my mood; yesterday I was dead tired but generally in a good mood and there was no pain; however, today, the x managed to piss me off and before I knew it I was stress-eating and my back was killing me!


Finally, I outed myself on FB today… this is how my status message reads “…is divorced and for whatever it's worth, there are no negative feelings associated except for the waste of 9 good years! so yes, divorced and proud of it, so to speak!”


And now, I go home and sleep!

A Quick Reflection…

Yesterday, I decided to go to bed really early since I have one hell of a busy week ahead of me. I normally don’t have any before-bedtime rituals, but for some reason I lingered in front of my dresser.

Something about my messy curls made me decided to take a longer look and fix my hair. Untying my hair band I didn’t feel like brushing the curls loose, so I just fixed it with my hand and kept observing my face.

I looked different… I admit I had a glow about me, a glow I haven’t seen in such a long time!

For the first time in years, I looked at my face and felt pretty! I liked how almost round my face looked although round is not how anyone would describe my face. I liked how especially pink my cheeks were even though I blush as a reflex action to happiness, anger, excitement, heat, embarrassment, and you name it! Most of all, I liked how bright and shiny my eyes were.

Yes, despite all the inconveniences and my childish reaction towards them, I had it in me to be happy!

I washed my face, prayed, and jumped into bed.

Although my body was beat, my spirit was rather too high for me to fall asleep right away.

Without noticing, I found myself daydreaming… and that was when it hit me! I don’t even remember the last time I daydreamed!!! ME! I usually daydream 3ala roo7y!! That was when I realized that I have been swallowed up in all the stress, anxiety and drama to the extent that my subconscious gave up on daydreaming and crippled my imagination.

A big smile made its way to my face, visions of people and places kept flowing through my mind so smoothly; millions of happy scenarios and millions of imaginary possibilities that somehow made my spirit calm as if some invisible arms were holding me safe. And before I knew it, I was sound asleep, no insomnia!

I can hear my cynical self telling me I am digging my own grave with all those dreams; building up expectations and hopes over things that I can’t control! Who cares, I am happy for now, and as for my daydreams, nothing is carved on stone here.

الحمد لله

I was granted the divorce.

I still can’t find the words to describe my happiness, but I assure you all, I AM HAPPY :)

I thought i'd be able to say all the words that would describe how I feel, but all I can say now, is I am free, I am happy, alhamdulilah :)

ALHAMDULILAH