Not exactly random… as incoherent as it may seem!

In the movies, the scene about the moment where events had escalated to its peak would keep haunting the character over and over making them clench and close their eyes in dismay.

It’s not like that. I mean, the moment, that moment haunts me all right, but it only takes a while until I am over the state of shock, or you know, sort of used to it.

Then, in my calmer moods, I get the mysterious feeling of discomfort that can only be explained by flashes of less significant moments haunting me. The kind of moments that would look completely neutral and harmless if you take them out of context; however, if you see the context and consider my character, they would make a whole lot sense on why I feel that way, at least to me!

-----

The subtle yet very disturbing moments would be like how I hate climbing the stairs, how I keep trying to look away, how I can never find those words, or how I just hate driving home, in my car alone with my own thoughts… how in all those moments I feel lonely and all sorts of other things...

One of the strong moments was when I closed my eyes hoping that I’d see clearly, just like that girl; and in the clarity of the moment, all I saw was that little girl who used to close her eyes hoping people wouldn’t be able to see her just like she couldn’t see them with her eyes closed. A tear fell, and I had no words to explain why, I honestly don’t know!

*deep breath in, and out*

-----

“just say what’s on your mind, don’t try to find the right words”
“I can’t! forget about the right words, I can’t find any!”
“I’m trying to help you open up”
“I don’t open up easily”
“exactly…”
“I can’t, I just don’t know how”

I may babble a lot, but I never really do open up. I really didn’t believe it when it was told to me a million times before, but it’s a pattern that everyone seems to identify while I live in my own denial!

-----

The moments come back one more time, and I find myself trying to explain my own actions to myself; it's really hard to bullshit a bullshitter!

Most of it boils down to one thing – I am discovering the very things other people take for granted on daily basis! It’s not good because they keep taking their toll on me as I keep overanalyzing in my endless attempts to understand.

How do people take those things for granted? And is it a good thing or a bad thing that they still come to me as surprise?

-----

I’ve got most of it figured out, why I can’t seem to be able to open up. It comes down to two main reasons; one, I still think that what’s inside me is not to be spoken, rather to be felt and understood without me having to find words that would describe it. Two, the one person to whom I have opened up the most has majorly let me down.

Did I ever really open up? I must have at least thought I did! Actually, at this point I realize I never really loved him, I just thought I did; of course now I am not even sure I believe in that L word much!

-----

If love is a variable, an ever changing one, and if marriages don’t exactly work the way we think they do, then what the hell is the point of all this? Why do we get attracted to that person, or enjoy being with the other, if it all ends up down the drain eventually?

I don’t see myself opening up enough to anyone to either fall in love or get married. I’ve tried both and failed miserably. I open up to friends so easily; not exactly with every single little thing, but at least I do open up easier that I do any other way.

-----

Oh oh oh, another piece to the puzzle, I mistook my pseudo opening up for love, and accordingly got married, which makes even more sense why I wouldn’t let my guard down that way again, lest I get confused and lose my way again.

-----

“she has to open up and let her guard down, and allow me to love her” that phrase just makes me laugh, sort of bitterly, but it’s a laugh nonetheless! It makes me feel safe that she will never be me.

It also makes me safe not knowing how exactly he’d have to be, it feel safe how no one feels like him, I’ll freak the day someone feels right!

Ok, like Sandra Bullock cast a spell in Practical Magic so that she’d never fall in love and get her heart broken, I’ll cast mine – he will be able to know and understand those things I never manage to say; he will be the only one who’d know how to take away all the subtle discomfort I constantly feel.

-----

“how did you get to be so cynical?”
“I’ve been alive for a while now”
“well, I’ve been alive a little bit longer than you have, but I don’t seem to be that cynical! it would drive me crazy!”
“you’re saying that my cynicism drives you crazy?”
“no, I am just trying to understand”
“I guess it just suits me”
“well then, cynical doesn’t suit me all the way; I really have no idea what suits me best, but I know I can’t get that committed to cynicism”

I hate admitting it, I sort of miss him (he who can read my mind like no other), but I don’t want him to ever find me because I know he can’t promise me the happily-ever-after I so sadly still believe in under those layers of my pseudo cynicism. I can’t have him tell me the L word and make me believe in its power again when I know none of it would ever last.

Why can’t cynicism work for me too?!

-----

Time to get some restless sleep.

About today…

I woke up to a call from the x telling me that he was getting ready to come and pick up the boys. Today they go with their nanny to his place and spend the entire day with his family.

I’ve been preparing Beem for that all through the week so that he wouldn’t panic when he realizes that I won’t be joining them like every weekend when we go out, so when he heard me saying the x’s name on the phone, he jumped off bed and woke up mocha saying “es7a ya mocha, pappy gyyy yakhodna, yalla”

For the first time in God knows how long, they showered without the usual fuss about shampoo getting in their eyes!

Beem got dressed peacefully without crying about his favorite t-shirt or the pair of shoes I never let him wear because it’s summer! For the love of God, they let me comb their hair and clip their nails without fighting back!!!!

They left with him a while ago…

I almost cried on my way upstairs.

Now, I had a big plan for myself to keep my busy all day… I planned to clean up the room, have a nice long bath, manicure and pedicure, dress up for the Iftar with my sis and her coworkers, and then go to the Pool with Rasha for a nice night swim.

Instead, I am lying in bed with my laptop, the lighting in my room is busted and so is the window, so I am forced to sit in a dimly lit room, which is not so encouraging to clean up! It feels to hot to take a bath; I want to bask in the a/c instead (at least that is working), I am even too lazy to change back into my pjs!

This will be a long day unless something extraordinary happens!

Evidence that I shouldn’t be left alone with the voices in my head…HELP!

*stupid stupid stupid*
-ok I am stupid, no need to rub it in!-


*ya ghabbeya*
-we ba3dein ba2a!!-


-I’m bored-
*don’t do something stupid*
-ufffff-


I sit and overanalyze…
The why’s and the how’s and what the hell’s…
I hide from my mirror image; she knows too much!
Yet she follows me every time I wash my face, and her eyes stare right into the thoughts I hide, humphfff!


Flu bad…
I don’t need more time resting, not that way;
I’ll have more space to overanalyze some more, ehe2!!!
I lost my voice, I am not even sure it will be back…
I don’t have the energy to talk, ME!!!!
I sit back some more…


I sit an observe…
Are those mistakes similar to mine? Was I like that?
In my heart, I know I wasn’t…
Damn you self doubt!!


*you know it’s not the same, stop it*
-I’m bored!-
*and hurting yourself is entertaining?! IDIOT*
-uffff-


I stare myself in the mirror…
My eyes are red, blood red, and they hurt…
A7san bardu, I didn’t want to see whatever it is I was looking for!


-I miss…-
*shhhh, sleep! It’s the time when you’re of least danger to yourself, etkhemdy*
-but…-
*shhhhhhhh*


I keep coughing in my sleep, I can almost feel someone is snatching my throat out and tearing into it with a coarse knife…
It’s too hot and I can’t seem to have any good sleep, I lower the a/c temperature…
I go back to bed and fall into a comma that ends with a nightmare of the x going all coocoo and trying to kill me and the boys…
I wake up to find the scratches on my arms and my neck…
My eyes are still red like I’ve never slept in my entire life…


-I don’t care, I miss… I don’t know, I am missing something, having a goal perhaps, doing something I enjoy, anticipating something I want… I feel restless despite being sick and I wanna go out and do something about it-
*etweksy*
-na3am!!!-
*aywan, etweksy, need I say more?*
-uffff-

Mafeesh Fayda!!

I'm joking and laughing as if there were no tears a while ago!

I'm telling myself that it was no big deal and that I better stop obsessing and move on already!

I'm too stubborn to allow myself to ache and take time to heal, God forbid I would collapse in the healing process, hasn't he said that in my stubbornness lies my strength!

So I lock it in, stand up and pretend nothing ever happened, it's easier, comme d'habitude!

I do it knowing that I am just burying something that will rise later to haunt me, and I am saying it's ok; I'll be stronger by then!!

But I know it will hit me when I need to be strong to make me weaker...

Yet I'm doing what I do best, I laugh and change the subject with a witty joke!!

Allahuma eg3aloh kheir…

I went to bed after midnight.

I woke up somewhere before salat el fagr because my face was itching me like hell to find that one of my babies left some candy wrapper on the pillow and it was driving my skin crazy. I washed my face with cold water and made a mental note to pray if I stay up until I hear the azan.

I didn’t wake up, at least not until I had that dream. Part of that dream had to do with my company having an exhibition next week and that we will start working on related arrangements starting the weekend.



I walk into the office to find a florist whom I have never seen before giving the driver and the office boy instructions on how to help him with the flower arrangements they were preparing for an after-exhibition gathering at out premises.

I see beautiful white cala lilies (you know the ones with yellowish insides) and he was telling them they look great with vanilla flowers (pale yellow, and extremely beautiful, I never knew vanilla flowers were involved in such flower arrangements!!)

So I stand there completely overwhelmed at the sight of those beautiful flowers and I keep trying to inhale all their aromas and savor them in my nostrils.

I ask the office boy to make my office arrangements with those, and he tells me alright and asks me to check the other kinds of flowers they left in my office.

I walk in to find three beautiful flower pots which had not yet been mixed or arranged; one containing orchids (ORCHIDS!!!) and the other two containing some sorts of exotic flowers, the really colorful kind!

That when I lean forward towards the flower as if to hug them (I actually do that with flowers in real life) and keep sniffing them so happily.



Ahem, I woke up with one side of my nostrils blocked, but I had one big dumb smile on my face. It was already around 6:30. I could see the sunlight coming through the window but I was too lazy to move, so I just turned on my other side and continued sleeping while murmuring “alhamdulilah”.

My kids woke up in a good mood today. I prayed, wore a purple top and my charm pendant! Later I remembered what Dr. Magdi said about the Color purple and how it signifies spirituality! Anyway… I want to remain that positive, I need it, especially that today is the birthday party the nursery is throwing my Mocha.

Oh oh, and my feel good song played in the car and I kept singing and teaching my Beem the lyrics. It was Robbie Williams’ Beyond the Sea... I wanted to leave you with the version performed by Kevin Spacey since it definitely puts a smile on my face, but since I couldn't, the one by Robbie Williams will do, I like its music more!

eh el suspense da!

I just called my dad...

He said I won't know until tomorrow because they announce the verdict after all sessions scheduled for today, and that it won't be public until tomorrow morning when he sends someone to check it.

Alternatively, I could drive to el tgamo3 el khames and wait until they finish sessions and wait up hoping they would actually tell me.

I feel like crying... oh, and my back is KILLING ME... I think I got too tense to the extent that I heard a cracking sound...

All I want now is to go home and sleep it all off until someone finds out and wakes me; I just can't stand the anxiety anymore!

El Sabr!

Pretending not to count the minutes!

Today is the ruling on my divorce case, the verdict of the appeal for which there was a hearing last February. No closings and no words to be said, not even lawyers to attend; the verdict will just be written somewhere and my dad will have someone read it and tell him on the phone.

I have been counting down the days, but now I can’t seem to be able to count the hours or the minutes for I have no idea at what time I will be getting the news.

Waking up today, I didn’t even want to leave bed or go to work. I wished I could sleep off the whole day until they’d wake me up to tell me. I wanted to tell them to never wake me if I did not get the divorce. But I have work to do, work that can’t be postponed.

I’m scared…

What if the judge is too prejudiced against divorce?

What if the judge decided I am just another spoilt brat who does not deserve to be granted her freedom like the one before him did?

What if he believed that having kids is a good enough reason to stay in a dead-end marriage with a husband who for all the judge knows did not try to reconcile since the first ruling?

I am scared…

I don’t want one more hour of my life wasted, not that I have a clue what to do with my life once this is over. I have spent enough time without making any plans for when it’s over because I was afraid it would keep dragging and those plans would keep falling apart.

Through the past couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to distract myself by doing all sorts of things I wouldn’t normally do. I actually had my back pain checked to think of something other than the tiring anticipation, I go to the physiotherapy session to drown the pain I have in my head by the pain my muscles.

Meanwhile, his attitude is keeping me worried; he subtly hints that it won’t be over yet, he hints it with a sure tone that shakes me so hard as I try to control my facial reactions. He tries every worn out tactic to get under my skin, and I’m ashamed he succeeds although I am aware of those tactics.; he just knows too much about the memories I try so hard not to remember.

I just want that chapter of my life over and done with so that I can put all those bad memories in a box, lock the damn box and burry it somewhere, and throw the key somewhere else, and never find either again.

I am scared the judge won’t end that chapter today.

يا رب

Bla bla bla...

I used to love winter, until the last few winters when I started seeing them through the eyes of a mother; kids just love getting sick in winter… and I no longer get to go out carrying just my own extra jacket or shawl, now I carry two tiny jackets, icecaps, and a scarf (Mocha would strangle me with one if I try to make him wear it!).


If the dust does not settle anytime soon, I will probably die coughing my heart out! I’ve always known I have hyposensitive skin; and I refer to Amsheer as my allergy season, but it’s ruining the supposedly good February weather for me, not to mention that I sound like a frog with larynx cancer which was shot and chose to die in my throat, ahem! February is supposed to be the best month in the year God damn it, I wrote a whole post about that but because I am too resentful now I can’t post it!


My tulip is dying. I blame Amsheer. She was beautiful, I called her Leilah, she was all closed up and tiny when I bought her, dark ruby red, beautiful, I wish I had taken a photo. Now, she miserably tries to keep her elegant posture in my vase, the edges of her petals are getting drier and more fragile. I am now contemplating drying her up while she’s still beautiful instead of letting her wither and die! I told you Rasha, I take it too personally when my flowers die, now you have to cheer me up!


I am stress-eating a lot lately! None of my clothes show any significant weight gain, but as always, I know it will sneak up on me soon if I don’t do something about it. I have already went on a shopping spree to convince myself that if I gain weight I will not be able to wear my beautiful stuff; ironically, two of my new work pants are practically falling off, I don’t get it!! Anyways, I can always get too depressed, too happy or too busy and I will lose any extra weight in less than a week! (fingers crossed)


I have a meeting tonight, something really big for me and I am hoping I won’t be disappointed by finding out that I had bigger expectations of how things are, like I usually do. I am basically meeting a new bunch of people to try to help with something of which I know so little but I would like to learn more. It has to do with my personal growth and my potential further studies if any, so I am really excited!


My dad sat me down yesterday and explained that the final ruling in my divorce case is scheduled in May. He said that it’s up to the x if he wants to end things civilly. He also implied so subtly that if the x shows enough evidence that he has cleared his act; I should “stop acting like a man and act more like a woman“, swallow my massive pride and consider going back on my own terms for the kids’ sake. I was too tired of telling him “no way“ so I just smiled knowing I can always count on the x to be the complete jerk he’s always been. They can blame my type A personality all they want, whatever makes them sleep at night. Look at me, I’m all grown up and zen!!!!!

I am extremely confused and overwhelmed by all the school options I should consider for my Beem. I am starting to doubt me French education decision, which is crazy because it would mean that I should transfer him to the English class in his nursery if I want him to do well on English Schools interviews. The responsibility is driving me crazy to the extent that my colon is acting up! Seriously, I appreciate having full say in the matter unlike all my friends who have to spend hours arguing with their spouses about such decisions, but I never said I couldn’t use good advice even if I end up using my constitutional right of disregarding it!


I am literally dragging my lazy behind to work every day now! I don’t know what’s wrong with me! Yes, I never liked waking up that early, but I did like going to work; now, I just sit there doing minimum work and I put off the annoying things like filing or calling people back for previously requested information. I don’t like that, it makes me think about my own shit, and work used to be where I ran away from my own shit!


Speaking of work, why do meetings pop on the days I go to work in my jeans!!! I mean I’ve been abiding by my formal dress code for weeks now and it’s the same day over and over with me in a trance posture in front of my PC or over the phone or even running errands that do not include meeting people I work with! So the day I think I would rather sit back in my chair wearing jeans, I get a call from the new General Manager from the company downstairs asking if he could schedule a meeting, not fair!!


Ok, I can’t think of anything more for now.

"this only happens to other people"

One of my two best friends has just given birth to the most beautiful baby I have laid eyes on (msA), and I couldn’t possibly be happier that they’re both well and healthy, alhamdulilah. Unfortunately however, I am trapped between happiness and fear, so I thought the only way I would enjoy that happiness is to babble a bit about my fear despite how sick I am of all the whining on my blog.

Those who know me know I am more of an optimist, those who know me well, know about the cynical pessimist who lurks shamefully in the shadows.

The pessimist is fed by worries and fears, by worst case scenarios that jump before my eyes when I hear or see something to my disliking. Luckily, the optimist takes good care of those horrible visions by confirming in a tone as soothing as possible “this only happens to other people”. Even when part of the problem had already started taking its toll on me, I hear my optimist self whispering “it will be ok”, “this too shall pass”, and sometimes when it’s a bit too tough, I get more in touch with my half-abandoned faith and hear phrases like “en ma3 al 3usr yusr” and “everything happens for a reason”

Needless to say, I have daily visions of dark nature that I choose to block for my own well being, most of which have to do with losing a loved one. My self-comforting strategy always worked.The one single time it did not work was when my x’s father died and I started having visions of losing my own father. Back then I was in my 6th month of first pregnancy and “hormonal” was the least to describe me. I used to spend nights crying so hard and praying it would never happen.

The wiser post-pregnancy and labor version of me knows that one day that horrible day will come; my optimist self helps me face that fact using the above strategy in addition to loads of denial.

Lately, a couple of incidents happened (including a huge increase in my father’s sugar level), which affected my defense mechanism. And because I am emotionally crippled (although it barely ever shows on my blog), I hid my worrying from my family and kept telling everyone who’s concerned about my father’s health that it was not alarming given how abusive my father’s eating habits were becoming lately. I kept saying it was ok and that it was nothing a good, well-balanced diet would not take care of.

Only I’m scared to death. Scared to the extent that I wish I could die right now before any of my fears would come true. I asked my dad how it went in my fakest casual tone and I hated his answer. I hate how vague his answer is. I hate that he’s so depressed over being sick that it could negatively affect his health even more. I hate how I can’t sit next to him on the couch and give him a chocolate bite because I am too freakin’ worried. I hate how he has become so silent because I know he’s worried too, even if it was not really that big a thing to worry about; I know my dad worries, I got it from him. I want to yell at him and tell him to cheer up already, that his sugar levels are decreasing and that he will be ok, he must be ok… because those things only happen to other people, to other fathers, not him.

Baba, please cheer up ba2a, balash nakad, 3ashan khater el etneen el mossagal khatar elly beykhalook ted7ak le7ad ma weshak ye7mar we teshra2!

My third attempt of a post!

I can’t write!! I have two failed attempts on my task bar that I am definitely deleting if I happen to post this one!

I am too tense, I am worried, and I am scared. Personally, I think it’s futile to feel this way; I believe all the things my friends keep telling me and I already know them… I know that THIS should only take the time it’s meant to take, and I know that what will happen will happen, and that truth is on my side. I know, I promise!

But how can I stop myself from feeling that way?! I don’t wanna worry or feel tense and scared, I really don’t, yet my hands and feet are cold and I have goose pumps all over my arms and legs, I am so jittery, and I am constantly feeling like I am going to lose my temper and snap!!

I called one of my funny friends hoping a few jokes would distract me. She knows; she kept asking about updates and as I told her, my voice started trembling and I cried. She gave me a long lecture on how I should be calm and how I should keep my act together when in court and all that. I told her it’s what I do but I am tired and I am afraid. That was when she asked “khayfa men eh ya3ne? mafeesh 7aga tehawef, en matala2teesh delwa2ty hatetala2y kaman showaya, enty mesh 3arfa enty 3ayza eh, khayfa leeh?”

She’s right, but it doesn’t seem to help! I feel pathetic that way, and now I can’t even write about it because it’s too intense!!

اللهم اجرني في مصيبتي و اخلف لي خيرا منها

Just another attempt…

It’s a well known concept that for therapy to work, you have to be honest with yourself before you're even honest with your therapist. Keyword is HONESTY.

I mentioned somewhere before that I have been to a therapist twice before I had come with the decision to end my marriage. The first time, my x was the reason I decided I should check if I did actually need help; he always suggested that I was delusional and crazy whenever I hinted to his affair, and for the sake of the argument, I thought I’d get a second opinion, and also a professional one.

The second time I visited was because I was overwhelmed by all the lies he tried feeding me. My instincts knew better but they contradicted with all my principals of having faith in the man I once loved and married. I needed someone to act as a referee and tell me it was ok to have doubt and listen to the inner voices.

The couple of time I visited my therapist, she said I was honest enough with myself that I did not need to go visit her again! She said I was 100% aware of how my mind worked and the tricks it attempted to play on me. She practically congratulated me for my ability of choosing words that describe my feelings and thoughts. She finally said that all I had to do to survive my dilemma was to trust my instincts and remain honest to myself. So far I have been doing that, until recently.

I am afraid I am not that honest with myself any more; I am hiding things from myself and I do NOT want to know them!! I am not even sure I can get them out in words to anyone; I try and I keep failing miserably and it makes me feel worse.

I can go and tell my therapist all that, I can even give her the link to my blog and tell her to knock herself out analyzing all of it. But I know there will come a moment when she will look at me that way and tell me to spill it, and I will run out of words instantly.

So far, I have considered blogging my way of self therapy; my way of acknowledging things even if I wouldn’t have to deal with them again, at least I knew I'd be getting them out. I don’t think it’s working as efficiently anymore.

I need non verbal therapy; I need someone to just read my mind and tell me they can see through and confront me with my thoughts and give me no room to confirm or deny. A friend suggested art therapy some time ago and assured me that despite my inability to draw a circle, I will somehow end up drawing something that would tell more than the obvious! I can so try that now, I need to try that now.

I never thought I would do art therapy because I always thought of myself as someone who can appreciate art, but never make it. My forte was expressing myself in words, and I am losing it!! When did words become so HARD?!!!

Borderline Madness

I am too confused and I can’t seem to hold one thought long enough to reflect on it; I need them all out of my head, I need thinking space… ETLA3O BARRA


- I feel like I have TOO MUCH energy these days, I know I am definitely burning out soon! It won’t be pretty, especially if it comes along with bad news… I just hope my mom won’t be starting her own campaign of “how to teach insomniac a new lesson about responsibility” then because I plan to SLEEEEEP off the burning-out phase in order to avoid worse consequences!

- My palms are sweating LIKE HELL! *Major EWWWWW*… my allergy doctor once prescribed that medication which you apply on your hands and it has that dehydrating effect, I would ask whoever is coming to Egypt to bring me some, only I have been hearing horrors about how people get skin cancer when they mess with their sweat glands, so I am being thankful its just my hands… my sister tells me it’s anxiety related, duuuhhhh!!

- I have an appointment at the Family Affairs Court in a couple of hours; why do I still get nervous about that even when I know it’s routine procedure? Yeah yeah I worry, but this is not about worrying; it’s more like I am reminded of my unfavorable status I guess. If it gets too disappointing, I am dropping by the guys at my previous job; they make me feel like something about the past few years was worth its while… and my kids of course :)

- Awww, Beem kept laughing and giggling in his sleep yesterday; I kept kissing him and he held on to me; moments like these make me feel all motherly and stuff! Mocha on the other hand was having too much fun sitting on his sleeping brother’s head and laughing his heart out when I pull him away, the little devil! They both ruined the few hours I slept by kicking me and one another… how on earth do they get jealous of each other during sleep?! Two words, separate beds... soon isA

- After dropping Beem at the nursery I realized that I lost my access card which was clipped to my pants, so I stepped out of the car and kept looking underneath the chair then drove back home to see if it had fallen where the car was parked as I was getting Beem beeh to fasten his seatbelt… no luck, so now I have to call the security company and ask how to deactivate that card and set a new one for myself…

- When did clothes get that freakin’ expensive in Egypt?? I mean those that are of quality that can be compared to non-Egyptian made! It hit me real hard as I was shopping for maternity wear with my friend; I was telling her the stuff looked as good as online catalogues, and then checking the prices I was like “but that’s for more than double the online prices!”… I didn’t say it out loud though, no need to make her feel she’s being ripped off.

- And now he is calling non-stop, WHYYYYY? Did I mention he called the other day saying he got a job offer in Iraq (he loves drama) and he was like “mesh 3ayza menny 7aga abl masafer”, and when I said “enta 3aref ana 3ayza eh”… and there it was “ok, yalla neroo7 lel ma2zoon”, now I was on my way to my cousin’s engagement, and I didn’t trust him enough to meet up before going, so I said I would get back to my dad… My dad had a good point, he does not need me to go to el ma2zoon, he can do that on his own, right on baba!

- So now I just answered him, just to not mess with the slim opportunity that he might actually let me go; he’s like “go get Beem from the nursery, there’s a strike and it’s dangerous for him to be out!”… Father-of-the-Year Award here people!! Again, I kept my sarcasm to myself; I really don’t wanna mess the chance of him actually meaning the whole divorce thing… H tells me it’s a huge ba3ta from his side, deep down I know she’s probably right; what can I say, I am a freakin’ optimist to an unhealthy extreme!

- So now that he brought to my attention the whole strike thing, I am more concerned about whether I shall drive to Down Town or take the underground. I really don’t wanna be poked and groped on this particular day thank you very much. I think I would bark my voice off if that happens; and given that I am too emotional lately I could also collapse on the sidewalk and burst into tears! So I am taking my chances with my car… something tells me I will so regret this.

- Why are they keeping me in charge of the Petty Cash?!!! WHY? I am bad with numbers, I am even worse with money, why does the accountant dude feel that much victory every time he senses my confusion as I try sorting out the receipts… I know, I know, I am a priceless piece of entertainment for people who work with numbers… this is why I hate stepping into banks.

Too many thoughts… TOO MANY THOUGHTS, my head literally hurts. And given my messed up sleeping pattern, I am living on double shots of Turkish coffee and Panadol Extra (God bless Glaxo, I think it’s Glaxo, no? I am too lazy to get the tablets from my purse to check—not so much energy after all I suppose!)