Bla bla bla...

I used to love winter, until the last few winters when I started seeing them through the eyes of a mother; kids just love getting sick in winter… and I no longer get to go out carrying just my own extra jacket or shawl, now I carry two tiny jackets, icecaps, and a scarf (Mocha would strangle me with one if I try to make him wear it!).


If the dust does not settle anytime soon, I will probably die coughing my heart out! I’ve always known I have hyposensitive skin; and I refer to Amsheer as my allergy season, but it’s ruining the supposedly good February weather for me, not to mention that I sound like a frog with larynx cancer which was shot and chose to die in my throat, ahem! February is supposed to be the best month in the year God damn it, I wrote a whole post about that but because I am too resentful now I can’t post it!


My tulip is dying. I blame Amsheer. She was beautiful, I called her Leilah, she was all closed up and tiny when I bought her, dark ruby red, beautiful, I wish I had taken a photo. Now, she miserably tries to keep her elegant posture in my vase, the edges of her petals are getting drier and more fragile. I am now contemplating drying her up while she’s still beautiful instead of letting her wither and die! I told you Rasha, I take it too personally when my flowers die, now you have to cheer me up!


I am stress-eating a lot lately! None of my clothes show any significant weight gain, but as always, I know it will sneak up on me soon if I don’t do something about it. I have already went on a shopping spree to convince myself that if I gain weight I will not be able to wear my beautiful stuff; ironically, two of my new work pants are practically falling off, I don’t get it!! Anyways, I can always get too depressed, too happy or too busy and I will lose any extra weight in less than a week! (fingers crossed)


I have a meeting tonight, something really big for me and I am hoping I won’t be disappointed by finding out that I had bigger expectations of how things are, like I usually do. I am basically meeting a new bunch of people to try to help with something of which I know so little but I would like to learn more. It has to do with my personal growth and my potential further studies if any, so I am really excited!


My dad sat me down yesterday and explained that the final ruling in my divorce case is scheduled in May. He said that it’s up to the x if he wants to end things civilly. He also implied so subtly that if the x shows enough evidence that he has cleared his act; I should “stop acting like a man and act more like a woman“, swallow my massive pride and consider going back on my own terms for the kids’ sake. I was too tired of telling him “no way“ so I just smiled knowing I can always count on the x to be the complete jerk he’s always been. They can blame my type A personality all they want, whatever makes them sleep at night. Look at me, I’m all grown up and zen!!!!!

I am extremely confused and overwhelmed by all the school options I should consider for my Beem. I am starting to doubt me French education decision, which is crazy because it would mean that I should transfer him to the English class in his nursery if I want him to do well on English Schools interviews. The responsibility is driving me crazy to the extent that my colon is acting up! Seriously, I appreciate having full say in the matter unlike all my friends who have to spend hours arguing with their spouses about such decisions, but I never said I couldn’t use good advice even if I end up using my constitutional right of disregarding it!


I am literally dragging my lazy behind to work every day now! I don’t know what’s wrong with me! Yes, I never liked waking up that early, but I did like going to work; now, I just sit there doing minimum work and I put off the annoying things like filing or calling people back for previously requested information. I don’t like that, it makes me think about my own shit, and work used to be where I ran away from my own shit!


Speaking of work, why do meetings pop on the days I go to work in my jeans!!! I mean I’ve been abiding by my formal dress code for weeks now and it’s the same day over and over with me in a trance posture in front of my PC or over the phone or even running errands that do not include meeting people I work with! So the day I think I would rather sit back in my chair wearing jeans, I get a call from the new General Manager from the company downstairs asking if he could schedule a meeting, not fair!!


Ok, I can’t think of anything more for now.

What do you do…?

When you pray for signs and keep all your senses sharp so that you’d notice the smallest ones and do by them…

When you keep getting signs, almost all of them direct you in a certain direction, a road you do not prefer…

When you start doubting those signs but the voice in your head keeps reminding you that it was you who asked for those signs…

When you tell yourself that even signs can be misinterpreted and that you should depend on your instincts to interpret the signs right…

But then your instincts scare the crap out of you and they seem to side with the scary signs telling you to choose a road you wouldn’t prefer…

And that’s when your mind plays its silly tricks, manipulated by your restless worries and your vicious fears, telling you that your instincts were wrong before and got you to misinterpret signs before, that they might as well be wrong now…

When your doubts and insecurities are your new best friend who constantly keep your company making all the air you breathe feel heavy…

When the constant friend you’ve always had, your insomnia leaves you to fall into the pits of troubled sleep where your mind is supposed to referee between all the worries and the fears and the doubts and the insecurities in the very few hours you are expected to rest, only to wake up feeling like a million sticks were beating you on the head!!

You know you can’t succumb to solutions like medications or even suicide; it’s simply not you and you know it so damn well…

So what do you do???

I know I can’t fly!

I always wanted to fly; something about the clean fresh air up there brushing against my face, the speed, the feeling of freedom. I just know I would have loved it enough to get over my stupid acrophobia. But I can’t fly, I know that, and I also know I cannot be trusted with speed.

Now here is what I really wanna do, FLOAT. I don’t even wanna learn how to swim!

As a child, my dad banished me in Alexandria for a whole summer where I went every day to the club to learn how to swim, and I just never did. I was too stubborn for my trainer to learn something I was forced to stay in Alex for. I still don’t get why I had to stay in Alex for that; my dad said that he wouldn’t trust anyone but that guy to teach me because he was one of his best friend’s son and would take good care of me; moreover, he won medals and stuff. Whatever!

The guy was really nice and friendly as far as I remember, but his friendliness and medals did not help. I never trusted him or my floating board enough to relax and let go; I would ruin my balance by doing no so subtle movements as an attempt to take control of things, it always resulted in me struggling to not sink, ALWAYS!! My trainer eventually gave up and sent me home with a note that read something like “stones are not meant to even float, we de ras.ha anshaf men el 7agar”, and that was it!! My dad had officially given up on me being a fish like him; yeah I have Alexandrian genes and I don’t know how to swim daddy, get over it.

I think that’s what’s wrong with me. OK, one of the things that are wrong with me, except that it’s been getting really annoying lately, unlike the things that are wrong with me and I actually like. Stop babbling! So I was saying, I am stubborn, too stubborn. I like being stubborn, but when I am too stubborn to be able to let go and trust other things, things I have no control over and probably will never do, it’s just scary.

I had that conversation with a friend around a month ago and I was defending my logic when I heard myself say “when I get on your nerves just remember, I don’t know how to swim, I tried and I just couldn’t relax and let go enough to even float!”. That was when it hit me, my mind is incapable of letting go to a dangerous extent, and it has been going on since I was six that the poor swimming trainer had given up on me!

I think I overcompensate by having short attention span and losing interest too quickly. Nonetheless, I know there are things that keep haunting my thoughts until I find my own way of resolving them, and when I don’t, well, I start wearing out my brain cells with over thinking. An extremist, why am I not even surprised?

Damn it, I just wanna float, in every sense of the word.

My BooBoo is a big boy now :)

I finally picked a nursery!! As a matter of fact, he’s right there now, on his very first day… I am trying every possible distraction until it’s 4:00 pm so I can go pick him up.

He was so adorable and cute when the lady tried to lure him out of the reception area (aka parents’ area) and he kept giving her blank yet arrogant looks as to say “do I even know u?”!!

I was so proud of him when he stayed all the time I waited out side without crying. I was even prouder when I called and was informed that he hasn’t cried at all and that he was a good boy and did not cause trouble.

Well, truth be told, my ego was a bit bruised to know that he can do without me and that he didn’t even miss me enough to cry!! So why did my mom always call whenever I was late saying “yalla ta3aly, beano monhar”… teegy teshoof el enheyar. I blame her for that ego-bruise, edetny akbar men hagmy.

Oh my God, I wanna call again, but I don’t wanna sound like the magnouna kinda mom I used to call my colleague at work. It’s 90 minutes until 4, what else can I do to distract myself?

My friend H tells me she’s happy for me, for I am finally moving on with my life and doing the things I have been putting on hold because of my marital problems. I told her that I was having the same thought as I was driving back from the nursery today. However, I kinda felt bad when I thought how the husband is too ignorant and indifferent to even know what’s going on with his own bundle of cuteness who keeps saying “baba” every time he sees something that relates to him. GooGoo says the husband is a sad sad person and Rabina yehdeeh… at this moment, I can’t help but hope he’d be out of our lives for good if he can’t be of any good being part of it.

Yooh, lessa fadel sa3a we nos!!! I miss my BooBoo.

So here are the thoughts

It has been quite a while since I last posted anything… however; A LOT has been and still is going on with my life I wouldn’t even know where to start…. At some point I thought I would resume the “diary of an angry pregnant woman” that I started in my previous blog since I feel like I can talk about the things that had once kept me from resuming… perhaps someday I suppose…

For now I will just take a huge dump of thoughts without trying to make sense of any of them so that I can empty some room in my weary weary mind… then, I can sit back and analyze all that’s taking place in my not so bright life…


As articulate as I would like to think I am, I can never find the words when it comes to saying what I want… I swear every time I am asked what I want, I kinda go blank… sometimes I don’t even have a clue what I want, but even when I do, the words do not come out right!!! I find myself talking in an abstract manner to avoid specific things that I am sure are ok to ask for!! Even in prayers, I say the most ridiculous things and when I finally realize I am babbling I just go on “..God, You do know all, and You do know what I want and what’s good for me, so just let the best come my way”… I think I know how my little boy feels every time he wants something, yet can’t find the words to say it!! How strange is that?? A friend once told me it’s because I am so “tenka” I expect things to go my way without even asking… could be true, I am not in the mood to argue anyways… I’ll just end it there, I don’t know how to ask for the things I want the most and it makes me unhappy sometimes…


A lot of other things kinda make me unhappy these days… like walking into the airport and checking my luggage in… stepping into the plane as I find my seat and later having my meal served… shopping for perfumes makes me miserable these days and let alone nauseous… thinking of ice cream upsets me, I mean I love baskin’ robbins but every time I think I’d treat myself, I kinda remember haagen das and feel like crap!!! Let alone walking by furniture and interiors stores that I once just loved checking out; it awakens all the butterflies in my stomach and makes me just wanna throw up…. I know why all that makes me feel as bad as I do, and I think I will get over it in time, I just need some sort of closure to be able to do that… that needs further explanation but not now I guess…


Those constant headaches are coming back and attacking violently, along with the afore mentioned nausea and the familiar insomnia… it’s strange how I know where all that comes from and yet I can do absolutely nothing about it at this point… I want to take control over my life for the love of God... I want a lot of things, yet somehow I don’t know how to ask for them…


I wanna cry!! I have that very strong urge to cry… I mean come on, I have all the good reasons to… yet, I don’t seem to feel comfortable enough to do it… someone is always walking in on me making me feel so conscious of being called a whiny baby or a wimp or whatever label I am not comfortable with!! But I do need to cry and I am desperate for a shoulder to cry on… I really wish D was here, she’d know what to do with THAT…. I did send her an email saying that I am blank despite the unbearable overflow of emotions I feel and that I so needed her… she replied saying she knew exactly how I felt… I totally appreciated her words and started crying silently hoping no one would see me… I miss D so badly I guess, of all the bad times in my life, this is when I need her the most… anyways, I am happy she’s ok with her husband and her new life and hope she’d visit soon….


I get my daily dose of bull shit through a phone call that barely lasts 2 minutes…. I stay silent during that call and do nothing but mumble “yeah, ok, alhamdulilah, and in sha2 Allah, ok, bye” then hang up with an even worse headache!! I wish I could scream and lose control but I know it won’t make things any better…


With all the shit that’s been going in with my life, I just had that incident with my favorite aunt that I think scarred how I feel about her for life… I try to remain as understanding and considerate as I can possibly be, but I think I was too offended to pretend nothing ever happened… I know she didn’t mean to take her own dump of angry thoughts on me, and I know she has no clue what I am going through, but she had no right to blame me for things she knows I had no business in…. I still love her, but I am deeply hurt that I wanna detach myself from her, and perhaps put her in my “no longer favorite relatives” list, right next to K…


Which reminds me… I miss K… not him, I am too mad at him (not that much anymore, I don’t know)… I miss how close we were and how I could always think of him when I needed to feel good… now thinking of him makes me blue… and I kinda worry about him and his kids and wish there was a way I would find out more about how things are with him without having to ask other family members!!


Here is the most annoying thing… I wanna be around people… not just any people, those I love and trust… those who have known me before all that drama in my life took place and who also do not know it did take place… thing is, I know that if that happens and any of them asks how things are with me, I will either fake a smile and say things are ok, or blurt it all out and perhaps even cry and feel pathetic afterwards… not a great idea to be around those people as much as I would love to I guess… I will stick to those who know what’s going on and ask for updates!!


I am tired of telling those updates… they no longer feel like updates… nothing new happens, just more 7ar2 damm I guess… it feels like my life keeps revolving around the same issue over and over again!!! I hate that…


I don’t get why it’s not ok to be as rude and aggressive as I would like to be… I don’t know why I keep myself from behaving in a certain way… I want to return the harm and add even more to it… yet somehow I insist on being the better person and keep telling myself that life has its way of getting even with everyone… I am obsessed with people getting what they deserve and I just have no patience…


I don’t know why, but I see bad things happening all around… like I can no longer see anything good anymore!!! A relative of mine whom I am not so close to just went through her own tragic dilemma and I swear I felt so bad for her I am still considering I’d call her up and tell her all about my problems to make her feel better…. Does this mean I think I have more important drama? Perhaps… but I think hers sting as bad, only less harmful consequences… may be if I can make her feel better, things would get better for me!! Wow, I still have it in me to make other people’s drama all about me… didn’t grow much after all!!


I think I can go throw up for real now!!

To those who actually read it till the end… I know I should have warned you early on, but what did you expect when I said I’d take a huge dump of thoughts?!! Anyways, no one ever said life was fair…