Evidence that I shouldn’t be left alone with the voices in my head…HELP!

*stupid stupid stupid*
-ok I am stupid, no need to rub it in!-


*ya ghabbeya*
-we ba3dein ba2a!!-


-I’m bored-
*don’t do something stupid*
-ufffff-


I sit and overanalyze…
The why’s and the how’s and what the hell’s…
I hide from my mirror image; she knows too much!
Yet she follows me every time I wash my face, and her eyes stare right into the thoughts I hide, humphfff!


Flu bad…
I don’t need more time resting, not that way;
I’ll have more space to overanalyze some more, ehe2!!!
I lost my voice, I am not even sure it will be back…
I don’t have the energy to talk, ME!!!!
I sit back some more…


I sit an observe…
Are those mistakes similar to mine? Was I like that?
In my heart, I know I wasn’t…
Damn you self doubt!!


*you know it’s not the same, stop it*
-I’m bored!-
*and hurting yourself is entertaining?! IDIOT*
-uffff-


I stare myself in the mirror…
My eyes are red, blood red, and they hurt…
A7san bardu, I didn’t want to see whatever it is I was looking for!


-I miss…-
*shhhh, sleep! It’s the time when you’re of least danger to yourself, etkhemdy*
-but…-
*shhhhhhhh*


I keep coughing in my sleep, I can almost feel someone is snatching my throat out and tearing into it with a coarse knife…
It’s too hot and I can’t seem to have any good sleep, I lower the a/c temperature…
I go back to bed and fall into a comma that ends with a nightmare of the x going all coocoo and trying to kill me and the boys…
I wake up to find the scratches on my arms and my neck…
My eyes are still red like I’ve never slept in my entire life…


-I don’t care, I miss… I don’t know, I am missing something, having a goal perhaps, doing something I enjoy, anticipating something I want… I feel restless despite being sick and I wanna go out and do something about it-
*etweksy*
-na3am!!!-
*aywan, etweksy, need I say more?*
-uffff-

Mafeesh Fayda!!

I'm joking and laughing as if there were no tears a while ago!

I'm telling myself that it was no big deal and that I better stop obsessing and move on already!

I'm too stubborn to allow myself to ache and take time to heal, God forbid I would collapse in the healing process, hasn't he said that in my stubbornness lies my strength!

So I lock it in, stand up and pretend nothing ever happened, it's easier, comme d'habitude!

I do it knowing that I am just burying something that will rise later to haunt me, and I am saying it's ok; I'll be stronger by then!!

But I know it will hit me when I need to be strong to make me weaker...

Yet I'm doing what I do best, I laugh and change the subject with a witty joke!!

The obscene post…, aw bema3na assa7, el post el abee7!

This is the first post I ever write with the intent of being obscene. Usually, people who know me say I sound funny when I curse, and they have seen first hand how I can’t contain laughter when people start using language in front of me. My sisters on the other hand are more used to my aba7a and it sort of offends them when I am angry and cursing, this is one of those times!

And here is why...

I drive be adab and I got 1160 EGP mokhalfat, while everyone I know who does all sort of mokhalfat got less than 50 EGP!!!! Mesh moshkela, zeka 3an se7ety el kharbana….

Laken da keteer…

Ya3ne ya welad el *teeeeet* I lived in maadi all my f***in’ life, even school and college were in maadi, even my first years of marriage were in maadi, I only moved out of it for the worst three years of my marriage!!!

You do not even know which moroor I belong to with my zamalek address, some say 3ataba and some say boulaq… we sanya wa7da ba2a, eh elly gab el zamalek le esm asr el neel le boulaq wala el 3ataba ya bahayem ya welad el bahayem!!!

We ghayartelko om el zeft el 3addad we ba2aly esboo3 mesh baroo7 el zeft el shoghl because I am pre-occupied with all the shit in my life on top of which my almost expired car registration! And I actually went with my smiling decent attitude despite how exhausted i was, only to be told I should use that document to change my ID address to Maadi, i got over my embarrassment and explained that I can’t change my ID back to maadi because there is a zeft ongoing divorce case for the last two years and that ba2aly sanateen back in my original residence!!!!!!!

And ok, I get that there are rules and order and that they’re there for a reason, bas seriously ba2a, *TEEEEEEEEEEET*, the f***in’ rules only apply on people like me who respect them, but those who ignore and defy them get away with it!!!!

The x, who happens to claim that he has license plates of mokhabarat (aslan the fact that such thing exists is appalling) did not know how to drive when he had his driver’s license… yeah motawaqa3 eno bel wasta, bas 3ala fekra ba2a makanetsh wasta; it was in exchange of two packs of Viagra (3ameto mowazafet wezaret el se77a el mo7tarama wakhdahom tazbeet men mandoob mabe3at Pfizer so that Pfizer would get chosen on another drug deal) and some sexual performance enhancing vitamins!!!! Which concludes that mowazafeen el moroor are basically some impotent bastards who abuse drugs!

And FYI, I did earn my friken diver’s license because my righteous dad refused to call any of his friends since he believes that people’s lives (whom I might jeopardize if I drive without knowing how) are worth a lot more than the hours I’d spend in el moroor sweating my heart out! And I f***in’ drive better than nos regallet masr awelhom el *teeet* betoo3 el moroor elly *teeet*

Asfa geddan 3al aba7a, I will probably delete this post once I read it after I calm down and feel extremely ashamed of myself!!!

Stupid Passion

Is it possible for someone who doesn’t know their passion in life to get so passionate over the stupidest of things!!

I guess so; I’m a living proof!

Months ago, my therapist told me I needed to find my passion; that I was lost and I needed to find my soul doing something, and that I had to figure it out. It made m look at him desperately asking for a clue but he kept looking at me and said I should find my passion on my own because no one else would know it if I don’t.

I’ve been thinking of all the possible things I could be passionate about. I replayed my life trying to remember the things I liked doing, the things I was good at doing, and there was the shocking truth…

I never really liked anything long enough to be the best at it; it could be because I was afraid I would never be the best, so I gave up at the stage of it being just a hobby to escape any potential failure.

Wait, it gets better…

The things I was actually good at, I kept them at a distance because I didn’t want to wake up one day to discover I got bored and stopped liking them!

How pathetic is that! Yes, my fickleness scares me from getting too close to things or people because I could either disappoint of be disappointed. Like I said, pathetic!

I decided to stop searching; I told myself my passion will catch up with me and find me.

It kinda did a couple of months ago, or so I thought anyway. It was helping people; helping people gave me a feeling of euphoria I enjoyed so very much. For a couple of days I could sleep better, my diet became healthier, and something about me was radiant, people couldn’t help but notice!

The Caller actually sent me text message saying I should do more work on the other blog because I am good at it; it made me post a couple of times before I went to my ridiculous state of hibernation! Yes, I admit it, I don’t know how to make that blog work, and given what happened next (or below), I was not ready for another disappointment!

So here is what happened next, I thought I should help people!! I contacted my shrink whom I knew started an NGO about creating awareness against violence and providing psychiatric help to those who had been traumatized. I told her I was willing to volunteer and take whatever courses and take a parapsychology degree so that I can do it professionally, no medications involved, just compassionate and professional help to those who seek it.

It was such a disappointment! I know my shrink could read this, and I hope she does because I never had the guts to tell her in the face how disappointed I was at the meeting I attended! It was only about raising money for a party that was supposed to help create awareness to the NGO. Mind you that the attendees who should buy the tickets, you know because of whom that specific singer was chosen (wa7ed aslant masme3tesh 3anno abl keda, but I blame my limited awareness of Arab singers), are upper class people who –according to the people in the meeting- only go there to see who got married and who is still man-hunting!! And don’t get me started of what I think about that! Anyway, all the talk was about sponsors and advertising and the tickets prices! No one mentioned the help we were supposed to give, not even for a few minutes on the side!

I know I know, I am too freakin’ utopian and I expect things to be in a certain way. I’ve heard it all before! Every time I remember how disappointed I felt I almost cry! I wanted to help people; I was thinking support groups and nonfinancial gain and there I was looking at people fighting over the best way to bag sponsors! If I wanted to do that, I would have worked in my field of studies, marketing! Oh well!

Don’t get me wrong, I am not an NGO kinda person; if anything I hate belonging to a bigger group where the goals and motives get confused with other things that have nothing to do with the cause! I inherited by dad’s cynicism unlike baby sis who still believes she can still do good even within a corrupt system. My good baby sister.

Today, it hit me. My passion for helping people is only the positive side of how I feel when I see people doing/accepting injustice! I can’t help but feel furious when I hear a story about someone hurting others with no regard to anything but their own interests and I get even madder when I see the victims accept their roles so submissively and endure the abuse and perhaps even invite some more!

I get so angry I wish I could turn into the Goddess of war and rage so that I can rip off the hearts of those who inflict pain! If any of the ancient mythologies were ever true, I would have loved to be Sakhment, Ishtar, Athena or Minerva who ironically also represent good things like health, wisdom and wealth!!

But who am I to mess with anger; all those myths tell how the Goddesses were blinded by their anger and ended up inflicting harm on everyone equally!! I guess I should just stop trying to think like a God and accept that only Allah swt has the key to all and that we’re all in a constant battle testing our strengths and beliefs!

My dad always tells me after bad disputes with my mother that I should stop behaving as if I were an equal and accept my role and live up to it. As right as I believe he is; I just don’t know how to accept my role if it subjects me to be wronged even if by my mother and even if unintentionally!

Deep breath in… aaaand out…

Maybe I should consider yoga like my sis! Oh crap, I don’t want to be around her anymore than I have to; Zen people get on my nerves. It’s beyond me how anyone can see the mess that happens all around and still be calm just makes me wanna hurt them or something, may they’d get as angry!! Yeah, it’s probably envy talking; I am not envious by nature but it seems that anger visits me bringing all its friends lately as a punishment for not letting it in enough, or perhaps locking it in that box! Kick boxing seems more fitting for me!

Anyway, back to the reason I started writing this…

Yes, I have a misplaced passion! Whoever taught me about right and wrong as a child screwed me for life because they didn’t explain that it’s not up to me to make everything right and that the universe does not answer to me, and that even wrong happens for a reason and hard as I might try, I will not always get it, not even often!

I am so darn angry right now I want to cry! That idiot talks about wanting to marry anyone we khalas as if other people’s lives have no regard as long as he gets his needs satisfied! How arrogant!! And the way he says “at least mesh ha3mel 7aga 7aram” makes me wanna kick him where it hurts!!! I keep yelling at myself “don’t argue, don’t argue; he’s aware you’re getting angry and he feeds on it, don’t argue” I would gladly hope he meets his match, the one who teaches him the cruelest of lessons only to balance his own cruelty, but I learned it will not just be about him suffering, more people will suffer, people I care about!

My only defense mechanism helped a bit! God bless heartless sarcasm! I gave him a bitter taste of it and then told him I had to go.

Only I found myself writing this post….

If any of my good friends called me to rant about something so mundane, I’d try to calm them and point out to them how ridiculous it is to get upset about the same thing all over again when they have absolutely no control over any of it! But here I am, unable to get so angry, so passionately angry I could hurt people!!

Darn!

Where is my art therapist when I need him! I can’t see him before next Sunday!!! And I can’t even just draw it out because my mom is spying on me, thinking she can look at the shit I draw and figure me out, or even worse make up silly remarks about me trying to be a painter! Either that or I am developing a severe case of paranoia!

Note to self: “people can be really sick and twisted, including you! So stop whining, get over the shock and accept that there is nothing you can do to change it; you can barely change yourself! Etweksy!”

What do you know, another incoherent rant!

Why doesn't revenge taste so sweet?

Did I ever mention that I find vengeance to be one of the most interesting notions? It is; it’s such a drive that has its very own strong momentum and it can just drag for years and years, and like it or not it’s behind a lot of good plots be it in reality or fiction.

Is it a co-incidence that most of my favorite movies revolve around the consuming idea of vengeance. When I first read A Tale of Two Cities, as appalled as I was by Madame De Farge’s unforgiving pursuit of Charles Darnay and his family, deep down, I couldn’t help but sympathize for the amount of injustice she’s been subjected to which completely changed her into what she’s become. You must react to that kind of hurt and feel for it even if it turns into something so cruel.

When I read The Count of Monte Cristo, I was satisfied with Edmond’s revenge and it was as if I was getting my own. Yes, I believe in payback and it in its healing power just as I believe in the destruction it could cause to all parties.

I could go on and on about vengeance and how I think it could be legitimate, as well as when I think it went to an uncontrollable extreme, but I’m not sure I’d come up with something any more brilliant than all the things that’s been previously written. Just take my word for it, revenge is a very strong thing and it’s anything simple or marginal; it’s also the thought that came to mind as I started writing this.

Where do I begin, I’m sure a lot of those who read this know where it started, or at least are familiar enough. Nonetheless, I find it hard to write this coherently because if I do it will be too long for me to write and it might get more personal than I can afford, so it will just be bits and pieces, and I’ll leave it to your imagination to fill in the details.

I once told him I’d break him to pieces if he’d ever hurt me that way again. I looked him right in the eyes saying I’d destroy him and he’d see a side of me neither of us knew existed. I guess he knew me better then because he never believed; he hurt me anyway! When the time came for me to use everything I could possibly know against him, I just couldn’t. I am not saying I am a better person here, I am not; because I spent enough time thinking of how I could harm him, and there came times when I was very close to doing it, I just didn’t know if I had it in me to live with myself and whatever consequences there were to come.

Some time long after I got over my shock and my agony, I stumbled into a movie, Something’s Gotta Give. At the end, when Jack Nicholson goes all the way to Paris to win Diane Keaton back, only he finds her there with Keanu Reeves (EWWWW). There is that moment where they’re singing her happy birthday and she’s laughing so happily in Keanu’s arms (EWWWW again), and you can see the way Nicholson looking at her an you can almost hear him thinking “that should have been me holding her”. That was when I decided that the only revenge I could get without being a horrible person was to see that very same look on his face. I wanted him to see me living happily, enjoying the life he can no longer share with me.

I forced myself to move on and be stronger just to have that moment. I glorified the feeling I’d get and used it as a motive to get myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again. I can’t deny that I have a relationship phobia or that I have so little faith in love. I can’t deny that in the process of moving on, I almost stumbled and fell, and that I still look back and wonder what the hell happened back there. I always end up shaking my head and saying it didn’t matter; I was never ready and it was never meant to be. Little by little, it started to be less about my revenge moment and more about just getting by day after the other.

Now, that we’re on talking basis again, I see him quite often. He very occasionally hints that he still wants me back and that I’m better off with him than with anybody to the extent that I find it insulting because WOW, if I’m better off with him then I’m really bound to misery! Seeing him, talking to him and having to communicate with him amicably for the boys’ sake, I realized I’m actually capable of being a bigger person, something I never thought I could do! It’s not that I am not that forgiving or that I am vindictive by nature; it’s just because I distinctively remember how hurt I was and how the idea of revenge helped me get back on my feet, or close enough.

Yesterday, I took a leap of growing up. I agreed (without much argument) to have the kids visit his grandma before her surgery. I did that knowing there will be all sorts of people I dislike there. I wasn’t that pleasant except to the one person in his family that’s been decent to me, and the sick person to whom I couldn’t really afford beingharsh, given her age and her health status despite how much I dislike her. I could clearly see how embarrassed he was when his kids didn’t know his own immediate family and were too intimidated to let go of my hands, I actually felt sorry for him and kneeled on my knees as I tried to soothe the boys and tell them to go say hi to people I don’t even like. I don’t know, I really surprise myself at times.

Today, I had that moment I had almost forgotten that I once wanted! I just did a while ago. It wasn’t face to face, and I didn’t have a Keanu to hold me (THANK GOD), only I didn’t think it brought as much comfort as I once thought it would.

He apologized, he acknowledged his faults and he said I was never the bad person he worked so hard to make it sound like.

He said he was lonely and with all that money could buy him, he couldn’t find someone who loved him the way he knew I once did.

He said he was miserable, and it was eating him up that he can no longer see that love in my eyes, and that the best he could hope for was indifference.

He said he found some of my last journals from before I left, and that he read how I gradually lost hope in him, and he couldn’t believe he had become that person he himself detested as he read on.

I wanted to stop him because it sounded too sincere and I didn’t want him to put himself out there when I knew I was going to reject him at the end of his speech. Only he wouldn’t let me, he said his apology was due and it was hard enough for him to apologize so I should just let him.

Why didn’t I feel the warmth and fuzziness I promised myself all those two years? Why did I not smile contently that he’s sorry and suffering? Why did I not find solace in his misery and regret?

I have two theories; it’s either because I have more damage than him only it wasn’t my own doing like it is in his case, or because I have taken my time healing on my own, I no longer need any revenge from him. I don’t think it’s either, at least not exclusively.

Either way, his apology didn’t bring that much of a victory I long anticipated! In the contrary, it brought confusion because as he spoke of good things we once shared, I found my mind drifting to the horrible things that happened and took all the good away. He spoke of memories that were no longer so vivid and it confused me even more to be caught between resentment and sympathy for the same person.

I really wish we could write the words “The End” now, and that we can manage to be good to each other outside the marriage just for the sake of the kids. He still says it’s too hard for him to let me go, but I would like to think he would after all is clear enough to him. He thinks I might change my mind given time, but he doesn’t get that the more time I spend with him, the more I realize we were not a good match like I once thought and that there is nothing in the world that would make me repeat the mistake of choosing to be with him.

At the end of the day, I am glad and grateful I am not in his shoes and I do not have his burdens or his guilt. I realize that it is a blessing that I am not enjoying my revenge because it means that there is something in me he couldn’t change. Did that make any sense?

Bla bla bla...

I used to love winter, until the last few winters when I started seeing them through the eyes of a mother; kids just love getting sick in winter… and I no longer get to go out carrying just my own extra jacket or shawl, now I carry two tiny jackets, icecaps, and a scarf (Mocha would strangle me with one if I try to make him wear it!).


If the dust does not settle anytime soon, I will probably die coughing my heart out! I’ve always known I have hyposensitive skin; and I refer to Amsheer as my allergy season, but it’s ruining the supposedly good February weather for me, not to mention that I sound like a frog with larynx cancer which was shot and chose to die in my throat, ahem! February is supposed to be the best month in the year God damn it, I wrote a whole post about that but because I am too resentful now I can’t post it!


My tulip is dying. I blame Amsheer. She was beautiful, I called her Leilah, she was all closed up and tiny when I bought her, dark ruby red, beautiful, I wish I had taken a photo. Now, she miserably tries to keep her elegant posture in my vase, the edges of her petals are getting drier and more fragile. I am now contemplating drying her up while she’s still beautiful instead of letting her wither and die! I told you Rasha, I take it too personally when my flowers die, now you have to cheer me up!


I am stress-eating a lot lately! None of my clothes show any significant weight gain, but as always, I know it will sneak up on me soon if I don’t do something about it. I have already went on a shopping spree to convince myself that if I gain weight I will not be able to wear my beautiful stuff; ironically, two of my new work pants are practically falling off, I don’t get it!! Anyways, I can always get too depressed, too happy or too busy and I will lose any extra weight in less than a week! (fingers crossed)


I have a meeting tonight, something really big for me and I am hoping I won’t be disappointed by finding out that I had bigger expectations of how things are, like I usually do. I am basically meeting a new bunch of people to try to help with something of which I know so little but I would like to learn more. It has to do with my personal growth and my potential further studies if any, so I am really excited!


My dad sat me down yesterday and explained that the final ruling in my divorce case is scheduled in May. He said that it’s up to the x if he wants to end things civilly. He also implied so subtly that if the x shows enough evidence that he has cleared his act; I should “stop acting like a man and act more like a woman“, swallow my massive pride and consider going back on my own terms for the kids’ sake. I was too tired of telling him “no way“ so I just smiled knowing I can always count on the x to be the complete jerk he’s always been. They can blame my type A personality all they want, whatever makes them sleep at night. Look at me, I’m all grown up and zen!!!!!

I am extremely confused and overwhelmed by all the school options I should consider for my Beem. I am starting to doubt me French education decision, which is crazy because it would mean that I should transfer him to the English class in his nursery if I want him to do well on English Schools interviews. The responsibility is driving me crazy to the extent that my colon is acting up! Seriously, I appreciate having full say in the matter unlike all my friends who have to spend hours arguing with their spouses about such decisions, but I never said I couldn’t use good advice even if I end up using my constitutional right of disregarding it!


I am literally dragging my lazy behind to work every day now! I don’t know what’s wrong with me! Yes, I never liked waking up that early, but I did like going to work; now, I just sit there doing minimum work and I put off the annoying things like filing or calling people back for previously requested information. I don’t like that, it makes me think about my own shit, and work used to be where I ran away from my own shit!


Speaking of work, why do meetings pop on the days I go to work in my jeans!!! I mean I’ve been abiding by my formal dress code for weeks now and it’s the same day over and over with me in a trance posture in front of my PC or over the phone or even running errands that do not include meeting people I work with! So the day I think I would rather sit back in my chair wearing jeans, I get a call from the new General Manager from the company downstairs asking if he could schedule a meeting, not fair!!


Ok, I can’t think of anything more for now.

Back to Phase IV: Depression

Who knew depression can pile up and sneak on me all of a sudden at the very time I would normally think I even passed Phase V: Acceptance!

I was fine, I was alright, and I was accepting, even embracing my life and finding my little joys. A friend of mine was telling me a while back that he was impressed at my ability to shake off the negativity by getting involved in whatever distractions that come my way instead of wallowing and sulking in my bad mood.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!!!

Thanks to my mother for wanting me to reconsider “saving my marriage”; I can’t believe her! I can’t believe she’s still forcing me to have that discussion; I’ve been speaking my heart out all through the past time, wasn’t she listening!!!! I mean hello, the whole blogsphere knows how I feel about that marriage and they don’t even know me; what’s wrong with my own mother and why the hell can’t she just understand, accept and support me? Why is it so freakin’ much to ask?

And oh no, not just that, she’s saying that my dad has hope I would change my mind under his thick layers of disgust at my x. Seriously?! Although there is a considerable degree of untruth to everything she says, especially assumptions she makes about my father; she has successfully managed to alienate me from talking to him!

She is scaring the crap out of me. The fact that someone so close keeps reminding me of how hard raising those two boys will be without a marriage, and the fact that she keeps stressing that I won’t be able to do it and that they will grow up to resent and blame me for it, just cripples me and sends me back to my worst place.

I’m back to my worst days during the end of my pregnancy. Of course I don’t cry as much, but I’m choking on my words every time I speak, and I feel like I really can’t breathe, and I am so close to having a panic attack right at work that I keep rushing to the washroom because I don’t want people to see it happening!

Thanks to all the stress and the fear to which she’s exposing me, death does not sound half as scary as raising my kids; how freaky is that?! If I die my kids will idealize me and they will definitely love whatever memory I leave behind; sounds much better than “hating me for ruining the home they could have had” ME!

You know what ma; if I am such a lousy person and an extraordinarily horrible mother, take over, please. I will completely shut up about all the mess you’ve made; I will not share any of my therapist’s opinions of you or your role in how I picked the notorious x.

Who am I kidding? I can’t just sit back and let go of my boys for either you or him to raise them so that you’d get off my case. And neither can I go back to him; sadly my personality is too strong for his taste, not to mention that I cannot hide my contempt for him.

When you push so hard, you make me wish I were as submissive as you are, but it’s not in me to live that way, and I am sorry but I am not that crushed or broken to let people decide for me how I should live my life for anybody’s sake, even my kids, ok!

Please stop scaring me, I can’t take any of it anymore and I feel so freakin’ alone and I am sick of looking for support because I know that at the end of the day, I am completely alone in this and you’re taking away from me every ounce of strength I need to do it on my own and alienating me from everyone! I can take it from him, but coming from you, it just stinks!

I fear…

heights… it’s manageable, but it gets to me from time to time…

insects and spiders… tried working on my fear by killing them, but I get too hysteric throwing shoes at them and then I get to scared their spirits would haunt my shoes…

becoming another version of my own mother… or my kids resenting me like I sometimes resent her…

death… only because I know it will come when I’m least ready, and because now I have two people depending on me…

growing old… the helplessness and the loneliness scare me, plus, women in my family DO NOT age gracefully…

that my decisions, especially the bad ones, would come back and haunt me…

losing loved ones, either to death or to disappointment followed by detachment and letting go…

looking back and feeling that my life was a total waste…

RANTS

Despite that I am in a good mood, I have been piling up some rants about current events; internationally, locally, and of course personally. I planned to keep them for myself but Rasha hates how quiet my blog has been lately, so there…


- Barak Obama. mabrouk 3ala amreeca, I really mean it, but for the Arab world, ETWEKSO. All talk shows had nothing to discuss but that; analyzing the crap out the whole thing, hell even my x gave me his sick analysis through email! News flash people, the man does not owe you a thing, he owes whatever it is that he owes to the American people. Yes, America’s regimes do affect the world, I understand, but for the love of God and all that’s holy, stop analyzing something you can never experience, let alone achieve; you better work on things that you can actually do something about! Government officials and political specialists, analayze khebetko el te2eela or try do something about it instead of talking about things you have no first-hand knowledge of!!! And for the rest of the Arab world who just talk, 3ala fekra, da elly gayebko wara; el kalam wel faty el mas7oob be 3adam el entag… so, to sum it up ETWEKSO!!!

- I’ve been getting all sorts of enlightening suggestions through email about improvement of education since that poor child died (God bless him and his family), but again, seriously, why do we do nothing but making unrealistic suggestions. Most of those who can’t keep their pie holes shut have nothing to do with education and have no power to change things!!! I’m sorry for being a cynical bitch but unless there is something you can do, or unless someone asks you your opinions, keep them to yourself; it’s extremely frustrating to hear over and over and yet over again how crappy education is and knowing all the same that there isn’t much one can do about it.

- Noha Rushdy. I don’t get the controversy, I don’t! If she has been harassed, then I completely respect what she did and how she stood up for her rights, it’s really as simple as that. Her ethnic origin, whatever it is, should not be of any importance, and fellow Egyptians, Noha Rushdy is not how the el 3adow el sohyoony gets us, again, please ETWEKSO!!!!

- The court ruling regarding exporting Natural Gas to Israel. Do you seriously believe that ruling will be enforced?! Makansh da ba2a 7alna, this is not a transparent country with transparent politics and economics, and I really hate talking about those things because 1- I don’t know enough to say something meaningful, and 2- there is nothing I can do to change any of it. It just pisses me to see people cheering for an illusion.

- That statistics report about the Egyptian society and its notorious results. I find it extremely unprofessional that the specialists working on that report have failed to take into consideration something like Hofstede’s five cultural dimensions (which was taught in freshman year at college) when comparing awareness and satisfaction results of the Egyptians to those of other countries!!! It’s no secret theory and anyone who works in that field should be aware of it, mesh 3ashan kont ta3leem agnaby!!! And while I’m at it, how come no studies were done/regarded to understand the collective Egyptian culture before making any statistical report on the Status of Egyptians, and I mean the average mesel7y who walks the streets elly beykhaf mel 7asad we beydary 3ala sham3eto 3ashan tewala3 feeh we fe ahloh!!!

- The doctors in KSA. I’m appalled and it makes me angry every time I think about it. I know Egypt is rotten in so many ways, I know every country in the world is rotten in its own way, but the one thing that makes Saudi Arabia more obnoxious is that they inflict social and legal injustice using the name of religion which is just *insert sheteema*. I say social and legal injustice because I have serious doubts the same court ruling would have taken place had the doctors been of Class A nationalities or God forbid Saudi royalty. People who make such horrible things and hide behind religion disgust me. And I don’t give the least care if the are religious scholars because I still doubt their fairness and objectivity.

- My x sent me yesterday (the 18th) a text on my cell wishing me a happy 8 years and 6 months anniversary. Why does this person like to remind me of my lost years?!


Kefaya keda, I think that was too much ranting and I think I ended up doing what I just mentioned above that I dislike; giving my unneeded and unasked opinions about things I can’t change. Well, in my defense, I would have kept my opinions to myself had people around me refrained from providing me with theirs.

Not so random thought…

hopeful, disillusioned… nostalgic, bitter… optimistic, cynical… smiling, miserable… comfortable, restless… sleepy, insomniac…

in case the last word didn’t give it away, it’s me; all me!

it doesn’t even make sense to me, yet somehow it does!

I am not even sure I can explain… I think I’ve lost it, and I don’t even know what it is really…

She’s not drowning... yet! (part deux)

These thoughts could not come out in the form of words when they first came to mind; now after my toothache had gone, they seem to have found their way out!! Here... in the same order and with the same language my mind used!

بيقولوا اللي بيغرق بيتعلق بقشاية... مع اننا كلنا عارفين ان القشاية دي زي عدمها! بس هو غرقان و مش لاقي غير القشاية، هيتأمر يعني

طب و اللي يلاقي مركب، مش بديهي انه يمسك فيها؟؟ يمسك جامد أوي... اكيد مش هيفكر ساعتها المركب دي جت منين ولا عليها ايه، هيمسك و هو مغمض عينيه عن اي حاجة ممكن تخليه يقلق

Beggars are not choosers they say… and neither are those drowning and looking for whatever it is they can hold on to, I add.

Makes me wonder how many almost drowning people hailed for a pirate ship thinking they will be rescued only to find themselves trapped in a worse situation!

Makes me wonder if sometimes it’s actually better to drown!

Makes me remember something I read somewhere that went like that… the most dangerous thing to man is desperation… desperation could be derived from fear, but I think it’s worse than fear because it takes over, and when it does, the fear that cripples you is no longer there to stop you from doing whatever dangerous things there are to do!

Now you can see why my toothache was a better idea!!

I can be quite impossible, I know!!

I’ve had the worst toothache since Tuesday night, the worst!! Since then, and perhaps even since before, I’ve been too sensitive towards every single little thing that I’ve been told or simply heard being said in my presence!! I can be intolerable that way, or as my baby sis refers to it “dramatic”

Yesterday, my toothache was too painful I silently sulked in bed and avoided human interaction as much as I could, especially that I had a painful day in the club with the humidity, the sun and the works (my mom and kids, with the latter not so gracefully reacting to the heat and the humidity)!! My day couldn’t suck more! Ok, now that was dramatic.

Today was much better though! My dentist fixed me, even if it’s just temporary, but at least I can actually shut my mouth without jumping in pain! Moreover, I dare say I had a good day; it’s funny how I had one of my best days in quite a while (since last Friday to be exact) without having to say much!!

But with the toothache gone, leaving some space for all those thoughts in my head, I am starting to feel other different kinds of pain!! My head hurts, I am feeling noxious, and oh my God, the insomnia is hitting twice as hard although I have not touched coffee since Thursday!!!

And suddenly, I feel like I miss my toothache!!!!

I am not saying I am not happy, I am!! I am just too overwhelmed by a lot of other things that I can’t seem to quite grasp!!

You know you’re mentally disturbed when…

… you have a not so good a dream that you wake up around the time you were supposed to, only to sleep an EXTRA hour to dream a better dream so that you could go to work in a better mood!!

That’s what I did today!!

It was a dream about my x that involved too much anger and yelling form my end. The dream was more of a repetition of scenes that happened a million times in real life, only they were happening right now!!

He came to apologize, said he was sorry and that he regretted all of it and that he was no longer talking to her. However this time, all he wanted was for us was to be friends and to keep a the door of us not strictly shut like I keep saying. I didn’t even agree to that in my dream (this is what I mean by strictly shut). That was when I found out it was yet another lie and she called me herself to rub it in or something!! Funny thing, I could see that scene like I was watching rather than living it!! I could see myself jumping up and down while yelling at her on the phone and standing in the same place he was, weighing the consequences of hitting him so hard until I lose consciousness in my hand and arm!!

Boy do I have too much unresolved anger; I want it out people!!!

P.S. Thank you very much dear friend for mentioning him to me right before I went off to bed!! Like I needed that!!

Close enough to craziness...

I’m tired
I know it’s only natural, but that’s not what I meant...
I’ve been tired since before it had started!
I’ve been disillusioned and disappointed before I had made up my mind; and that was tiring
People have no idea what their words can do, or even their silences...
No one knew how tired I already was before it even started...
They assumed I was ready and prepared just because I insisted on saying I was...
Sometimes they would say but you’re too young and weak, this will be too much...
Some other times they shoot me with their condemning looks for being too strong for a woman!
But I am neither that strong, nor that weak...
I am just tired...

I could use a break, but I don’t seem to be getting any!
It’s not about whining or complaining; I am aware of my blessings...
I count them everyday, I promise...
But when I feel that tired and sleep deprived, my mind plays its vicious tricks on me...
I realize how decayed my social life is...
I am confronted by my dead-end life...
The numberless responsibilities and decisions I have to make...
And I’m overwhelmed, scared, and mostly tired...

Sometimes I pretend it never happened... any of it...
I did not find myself where I am; in fact, I am still at the very beginning...
One look in the mirror ends my pretences, one look!
Whenever I walk past a mirror, I see her... me
She’s different from how I remember her, everything about her is different!
Yeah, the same hair color, the same eye color... but not the same face!
I catch myself lingering at that person in the mirror trying to figure out how someone who looks exactly the same can somehow look so different!!
People could simply mistake it for vanity... I wish it were!

Every night before I surrender to my insomnia and settle for whatever half-awake sleep it allows me to have, I dream of a better place... better times...
In the past, present or even the future...
I think of one moment of peace and happiness and focus on it, hoping I would be able to expand it and live it over and over again
I overlook the mark his ring left on my finger that for some reason itches from time to time
I pretend to forget the scar left by my c-sections that hurts in my head despite it being dead tissue!
I forget the calls that get me out of my very few fun moments out with friends reminding me I have responsibilities...
I forget how vulnerable my kids are and how much they need me to be a mother, not this

Then, all my attempts of finding my own fantasyland are interrupted...
By a screaming baby, the callings of a child, the yelling of a parent, or simply an unwelcomed phone call
Denying me my dreams, the little sleep I was about to have
And even worse, reminding me that I won’t be having much from now on
Now, how can I not be tired?

The annoying post!

I don’t know the reason; it could be that it’s been a year, or the fact that my clueless colleagues keep suggesting we arrange for family outings with our spouses and kids since it’s summer, or it could simply be my anticipation over the whole court proceedings, but I have been remembering some annoying things said and done by him that cross my mind causing me to get angry until I just smile hysterically and think to myself “what goes around comes around, I just hope he gets it tripled!!”

So I am sorry dear blog readers, I don’t mean to get on your nerves, I just need to let them out so they do not take the much needed space in my head… feel free to skip; however, if you’re too curious, feel free to leave a comment saying what jerk he is… it always makes me smile :)


On my last birthday, this was his gift… I was still at my parents’ recovering from child birth; I was the one who drove all the way to Zamalek to pick him up so that he can come spend the night with us in Maadi! This is how it went…

• Him (all smilingly and lovingly): Thank you habibty for the gift, I’m the one who should get you something… but how did you know my right size after all the weight loss?
  Me (thinking WHAT NOW): HUH??!!
  Him (in a suspecting tone): enty mesh geety men showaya we tala3teely 7aga ma3 el bawab? Enty konty ma3aky meen, enty olteely on the phone e7na 3and semiramis??
  Me: mesh fahma!! I just came right after I called, beem is the one with me in the car since I left home!! I did not drop anything for you and I simply have not seen el bawab!!
  Him (in a tone that spells trouble): la maho mesh wa7ed mel bawabeen elly te3rafeehom, wa7ed beyeb2a mawgood from time to time… he said el madam gat we sabetlak da
  Me (ana 3arfa eno yoom edwed): eh da?
  Him: This t-shirt I’m wearing!
  Me (OH, I just noticed you’re wearing what looks like a t-shirt a 17 year old would wear, bright red, bright written text, and wow it’s tight!!): oh, this is new! I thought you had this since you’re high school/working out days!
  Him (showing off): no it’s new, enty makhadteesh balek men my new style!
  Me (oh my God it’s become a style, great, I’m married to a 30 year old dork): erm, ummm, ok! (change the subject change the subject CHANGE THE FREAKIN SUBJECT) so meen ba2a elly gabetlak el t-shirt we 3arfa ma2asak (yeah right!!)
  Him (3amel mo7rag): mafeesh gheer wa7da, bas ana mesh 3aref heya betfakkar ezzay…
  Me (interrupting impatiently and starting to get irritated): call her now we 2ollaha teegy takhod el zefta de wetla3 law sama7t elbes 7aga Tanya!!
  Him (showing how upset he is because of my attitude): gara eh ya3ne, enty et3asabty leeh, balash ne2leb el yoom nakad…

Of course el nakad followed and then he gave me long speech about how controlling and intolerable I have been since the day he met me; he did a good number that night that I sat down and wrote the most depressing post ever!! That was the beginning of the end.


Around the days he decided to come clean so we can give that train wreck of a marriage another try, thank God it did not work…

• Him (in a fake reminiscing tone): fakra awel film ro7na cinema sawa
  Me (yeah, tas if that was the best memory ever): yeah, Gladiator
  Him (laughing in that provocative way he doe when he wants me to ask him why he’s laughing): 7aga ghareeba awy!
  Me (I will not ask I WILL NOT ASK): yeah fe3lan 7aga ghareeba en awel film shofnah sawa u enjoyed it very much while I didn’t! wait a minute, we barely like the same movies!!
  Him (disappointed I did not ask): mesh asdi
  Me (bardo won’t ask): ok!
  Him (giving up and deciding to share anyways): asl awel film ro7to ma3aha kan 300… she didn’t enjoy it either
  Me (I WILL NOT CALL HER NAMES I WILL NOT REACT): ok ana mesh 3ayza atkalem delwa2ty ma3ak (DAMN, THIS IS A REACTION)
  Him (pretending it was not done on purpose): enty ze3elty?
  Me (mesh harrod): …
  Him (impatiently): la enty ba2eety amassa awy!!
  Me (I HATE HIM I CAN’T DO THIS I CAN’T)
  

For no good reason he decided to tell me what he liked about her!! Yes, he’s that crude!

• Him: 3arfa mezetha 3annek eh?
  Me (mezetha!!): kheir! I didn’t know she was better in me in anything!
  Him: not better, bas she was independent, law el 3arabeya 3etlet tezo2aha, te7eseeha ragel, laken enty dalloo3a we 3ala tool lady keda!
  Me (yanhar eswed! Ana daloo3a!! ANA!!): no one ever called me that, if anything people tell me ana be meet ragel!
  Him: fakra lama el 3arabeya 3etlet back when we were dating we 3ayatty?
  Me: I was 19!!! Kont mezawagha we ayla le ahly eny gowa el maadi we kona fel do2y, it was the first time I lie that way and I was gonna get caught!! Sorry, that was serious!!
  Him: tab law 3etlet mennek el 3arabeya delwa2ty hate3mely eh?
  Me: harkenha wakalem baba aw akalemak teb3atooly 7ad!
  Him (in a victory tone): EXACTLY
  Me: excuse me, I no longer drive a manual, and I have two kids!!
  Him: la2 enty daloo3a and you’re impatient and you like things done in a certain way, mat2aw7eesh
  Me: sa7, I am all that, why do u put up with me? and while you’re at it, do you even know the things I put up with?? Can you hear enta a3ed bet2ool eh??

When I finally decided to insist on divorce and announced it to him…

• Him (in a crying tone): ya3ne khalas, welly benna?
  Me (in a cruel tone): enta elly bawazto…
  Him (arguing): enty kaman makonteesh sahla, enty 3arfa how tough you can be…
  Me (interrupting): aw ana elly bawazto, it doesn’t matter, it’s over, I will not try anymore…
  Him: weladna?
  Me: hayefdalo weladna… bas da a7san
  Him: a7san ezzay?
  Me: ok, ha2olhalak besara7a… enta khalas no longer el bany 2adam elly 2a2dar a7ebo, wala atheq feeh wala a7termo… ba3d kol elly 3amalto feya, ba3d kol el kedb, ba3d el kheyana, ba3d el kalam elly olto 3alaya… a7san ab3ed 3ashan a3raf akhaly weladak ye7termook like I no longer can… (yes, I meant to repeat how I no longer respected him)

Later, he told everyone that I was “set mesh mo7tarama: for actually daring to tell my man that I don’t respect him!! No, he never admitted to the cheating that he told me about in unnecessary details and he never admitted there was even a platonic relationship; everyone he talked to thinks I am a delusional spoilt brat who did not appreciate the great husband he is!! I stopped explaining; yes, I said I did not respect him and the fact that he told people proves that I was right!!

Months ago, when we met in court for the first time…

• Him (trying to sound all kind): mesh 3ayza feloos?
  Me (be montaha el araf): you really think I need money?!!!!
  Him: I know you would never ask your dad for anything, I know you never ask anyone for anything
  Me: all the more reasons I would never ask YOU… anyways, I don’t need money alhamdulilah… remember how you always told me rez2y wase3, well, it’s true! Alhamdulilah

Later when we failed to talk in any civil manner, then he started talking about my dad with disrespect, so I stormed out of the room and asked the social worker to take t from there…

• Him: dana 7ata oltelha takhod feloos!!
  Me (totally losing my temper): enta enta enta…. (I couldn’t find an Arabic word for cheap and I didn’t wanna sound like a spoilt brat to the non English speaking social workers!!)

Last time we met at court in front of the judge and under oath…

• Him: dana 7atta metala3ha 3umra!
  Me (about to scream in disblief): ma7asalsh!!!!!!!
  The judge (screaming at me): masma3sh 7ess, ma7adesh yetkallem men gheer ezn

Later, outside the Judge’s room as his lawyer was trying to make us reconcile (reconcile my a**)

• Me (allowing myself to lose my temper, finally): enta tala3teny 3omra!! Enta!! Tab kont talla3 nafsak, 7atta takhod thawab beggad, la wala 3ala eh, enta mash bete3raf te2ool kelma wa7da sed2!!
  Him (be kol berood): ana mesh katabtelek mowaf2a mowathaqa menny ennek enty wel welad tesafro!!
  Me (ta2reeban kont batnattat): oh my God, you really believe the crap that comes out of you!! you really sound convincing enough to yourself!! Ba3d eznak ya ostaz folan (the lawyer), ana harawa7 lewlady!!
  Him: welady elly 7armany menhom?!
  Me: No no no no no, you don’t get to sound like a victim on that one… your son’s birthday party was weeks ago and you didn’t even bother showing up!! Weladak mesh me7tageen wa7ed zayak, we da men fadl rabena 3aleehom
  Him: rabena kebeer we shayef we 3aref, khaly el mo7amy beta3ek yedaya3lek mosta2balhom, dafa3teelo kam 3ashan ye7remhom men aboohom

My lawyer simply grabbed my arm and took me out of the building before I lose my mind!!


There’s a lot more but this is already four pages worth on word!!!! I feel better now knowing that the few people who will endure reading it till the end will probably leave me a comment that will make me smile!!

Seriously!!!

I am responsible for organizing an event where the company I work for hosts a big meeting inviting other companies within the same field. So as I prepared the invitations and had them sent out last week, I left my name as the contact person for any updates regarding the attendees and the reports I am supposed to receive in advance to be available in that meeting.

BIG MISTAKE!

I mean I just wrote my first name and my last name! I did not write my dad’s name because I know people in the field would recognize it. I thought I was relatively safe from being recognized as his daughter (which is not embarrassing at all except for the part where people call and start saying weeeeiiird things)

So here is goes…

Mr. X: Hey inso (yes, he nicknamed me), ezzayek ya habibty 3amla eh
Me: yes, ezzay 7adretak (thinking it was a friend of baba’s whom baba passed my work no. to for whatever reason)
Mr. X: we ezzay ‘ABOOKY’, eh 7ekayto el ragel da, regleeh akhadet 3ala Alexandria keda leh?
Me: 3ady ba2a, merato el tanya kanet 3ayana showaya (mesh 2aly abooky, he must know the joke about baba having a second wife in Alex)
Mr. X: hahahaha dana kalemto yoom el khamees (the day I sent the invitations) 2a2olo en benty fel maadi, but he told me he was in Alex (ok, so baba is sheikh 7aret el maadi now!!)
Me: kont tekalemny, ana assed makano… ana 3arfa el soot bs ma3lesh mesh merakezza, meen ma3aya (la 3arfa el soot wala beta3, bas ba3mel manazer)
Mr. X: ana lessa ba3etlek email
Me: (refreshing my mailbox and reading his name in a stupid loud voice) Mr. XYZ (the name did not sound familiar!!)
Mr. X.: aiwa, ana ebn el kalb da, hahahaha
Me: *mumbling* (ha2olo eh ya3ne, ah masalan?)
Mr. X: hab3atlek ba2a el hard copies later, forsa sa3eeda ya insomniac eny kallemtek, salemeely 3ala baba

Needless to say, my faith in baba’s acquaintances has shaken!!! DRAMATICALLY

But then there was that other guy calling to tell me that they did not receive an invitation, so I asked him about his company name and confirmed that an invitation has supposedly been sent, and with my most polite tone I told him “ana hab3atha le 7adretak 7alan via fax, we in sha2 Allah tesharafna yoom el meeting”, he thanked me and referred to me as Miss insomniac… ok, I won’t interrupt him to tell him “madam men fadlak”… lol

He called me yesterday asking if I received the soft copy of the report, I confirmed and asked if his company was to send the hard copy, he said he’d send it today and said he’s looking forward to seeing me again referring to me with Miss! Today, shortly after I received the report he called asking if I received the hard copy, I confirmed, so he went on and on about how it’s a pleasure talking to me referring to me as Miss again!!! Then he paused and asked me:

Him: your family name sounds familiar, do u have relatives in maadi??
Me: I’m sorry can I get your name again? (well, if he knows baba I might as well write his name down and tell baba he said hi, mana fadya)
Him: folan el folany
Me: ahlan be 7adretak, sorry I am not good with names (in fact I am)
Him: so u have relatives in maadi?
Me: yes, who do u know? (I like a3mel 3abeeta)
Him: Mr. ABC (baba) he was the chairman of the NGO for blah blah blah
Me: yes, he’s my dad
Him: really, then Mr. DBC is your uncle??
Me: yes, in fact he’s my dad’s second cousin (ok, this can go forever, since my dad had another second cousin who used to work in the same field, only he died, Allah yer7amo)
Him: you know I live in maadi too, and I used to come to your dad’s office around 10 years ago
Me: Really. (that was the most uniterested ‘really’ ever said)
Him: yeah, I think you were a little girl back then, akeed keberty we ba2eety 3arooosa
Me: (LOL) merci
Him: khalas salemeely 3ala baba and I will see you on the day of the event ya MISS insomniac

El ragel gayebly 3arees shaklo… eh el araf da!!!! Maat, I know how it felt with the last guy who proposed through your boss (did I just say too much?)

I think I am about to change my name. any suggestions people??

P.S. my real name is not insomniac, and all the aliaces are not the people’s real names either. OK!

Random!

On Roller Coasters…

Why do people get on them?? I mean, I for one have acrophobia, and my heart and chest simply hurt when the ride starts, right before the action begins!! I am not the type that throws up easily, but it happens from time to time that I just do after roller coaster rides!!

I am not the only one who’s like that! How come roller coasters are that popular?!!!

And why do I know I would get on the next ride?!! However, only outside Egypt because I do not trust the Egyptian standards of safety whatsoever.

P.S. Maat, I do reget not getting on that balloon, not because you said it was awesome, but because I know I would have loved it! Damn you Egypt for screwing my fun with your lack of safety.

Second/Multi Marriages in the Egyptian Society*

*(OMG, that sounds very much like one of my old Sociology projects)

I went on a six-day trip to come back and find that very controversial topic about second marriages vs. cheating discussed by fadfadation. Reading the post, I had too many thoughts that just wouldn’t fit into the comment space, so here it goes…


All through my life, I’ve heard my dad’s jokes with friends about the whole having-a-second-wife thing!! He’d always say how it is 7alal and that men are entitled to do it and no woman should “te7arram” what was deemed 7alal! Nonetheless, when the females in the discussion (either friends or friends’ wives) start attacking his thinking, he’d say with his well known sarcastic tone “howa elly yetgawez marra ye3melha tany… Bas bardo da 7aga rabena 7alelha le sabab we 7alelha be shoroot” (he’s basically mocking marriage and saying that he who marries once should be wise enough to never do it again! Yet, if religion allowed second marriages, it must be for a reason; moreover, it’s governed by certain rules)

I remember a childhood friend of my age, who got engaged around the same time I did insisted on debating with my dad saying “… but what about love”… my dad being the biggest cynic I know (who somehow still believes in morals in away) told her something like “fe thawabet, al 7alalo bayen wal 7aramo bayen.. manlakhbatsh nafsena be mostala7at nesbeya zay el 7obb” (rules are rules, religion is crystal clear about right and wrong… there is no need to confuse ourselves with relative terms such as love). It did not convince my friend, she argued about the certain rules and what they should be. She was not able to imagine what could possibly be a good reason for a man to remarry and put the first wife whom he loves/loved through such misery. At that point, I told her “if he no longer loved her, then she should not be with him, and if he did, yet he still wanted to be with another one, it’s either she accepts it for it’s better than adultery, or she can walk away with her pride well preserved”… the look on my friend’s face was indescribable!! It was like I betrayed women every where by believing that love fades!! She did not believe that I could speak that way despite being in love and planning to marry that man I loved.

I think it goes without saying that the whole second marriage never shocked me really!! I have to admit though, I always found it hard to believe that men are indeed capable of loving two wives, but like everything I find hard to believe, I did not spend much time dwelling on it. After all, I had the “perfect guy” who was going to love me forever and ever. **insert a cynical looking smiley right here to judge me**

Now, six years later, I try my best to think of second marriages that actually worked without having any negative impact about those involved… I can’t seem to find any! You see, in every case, the man would say he had “reasons”, but who defines reasons? Him? Either of the wives? Society? Religion? I am not that strong religion wise as my readings are pretty limited, so I am sorry if I don’t know what good religious reasons are! Here are a few cases from real life, of which I would like to get opinions from you…

Case No. 1:

T… T is a friend of my dad… a supposedly extra religious figure (whom I think gives religion a bad name sadly) who had been imprisoned for a failed attempt to murder late President Sadat. He married his wife while he was in prison (as in katab ketabo) and I have to say that I never understood why on earth she married someone who was sentenced that long, let alone someone who believed that murder was a good idea!!

Of course by the time he came out, she was too old to give birth (late 30s or 40s, I am that bad guessing people’s age!!). However, they visited a number of doctors until they were convinced that she cannot bear children. Of course, since adoption and surrogate parents are not an option in Islam, his remarrying was the only left option.

That man went bride shopping, looking for divorcettes/widows who already had kids to ensure he’d have kids of his own, given that he had done the necessary lab work for himself and proved fertile. He forgot that the first wife spent a good number of years waiting for him (I don’t understand why, I just never will!!) He did not stop to consider her feelings knowing she can never have kids of her own, and only worried about having his own kids; I am sorry, I think that was cruel of him… If he was to get married, he should have done it more decently; talked to her, gave her some time to feel supported and appreciated before tossing her aside the way he did.

She did not ask for a divorce because she had no one else to support her, you see, she paid for the apartment where they lived, but it’s in his name (I am seriously doubting her IQ level as I am writing this), and she had nowhere else to live except with her brother; therefore, she accepted being the first wife/nanny for his kids while he married that other woman and provided her with another apartment (also in his name, which means he could afford buying another apartment!!).

Again, I try not judge, but this man hurt his first wife and abused the right God gave him. I don’t think women should stay in a marriage because they have no other option, neither should men for that matter. People stay in a marriage because they want to, or at least they should only stay because of that. He should have done the honorable thing and changed the ownership of the apartment in her name, and then gave her the option. I would have respected him if he had done it that way, but I think he’s too much of a greedy pig who wants to have it all: the wives, the kids, the apartments!


Case No. 2:

Uncle MA… now that one married his beautiful cousin and I am saying beautiful not just because she really is, but because this is how he always bragged about her looks!! MA comes from a religious background; however, his parents have been separated long time ago, splitting him and his siblings in the middle for no apparent reason! He left to Kuwait long ago with his wife; he has three daughters within the same age categories of my sisters and I. During gulf war, they moved back to Cairo and he spent months unemployed while she worked and provided for the entire family! I am not saying she did it all by herself, but the whole concept of her sticking by him should have meant something when he decided to marry the ‘beautiful’ flight attendant he used to see regularly on his flights from and to Kuwait.

Of course the wife got offended big time, she insisted on a divorce, and since she had 3 daughters, she was entitled to their Cairo apartment, not that she needed it! However, he did not divorce her!! His argument was, my parents are separated and it’s working and she wouldn’t remarry anyway!! He married the flight attendant and gave birth to a boy (did I mention he said he wanted a son!!)

Now he lives with his second wife and son in a huge apartment (three apartments combined) in the name of two his daughters plus his son. And has the other apartment where his first wife and the girls live in the name of the middle daughter and he thinks he did them well!

Now, the girls, the older two have serious eating problems in addition to a somehow anti-social behavior. Those two girls are the same girls who used to tell me I should let my hair loose the first day I ever say them, did not even start a conversation last time I saw them!!! Their mom, developed cancer and got a divorce shortly after, since the second wife demanded that.

I don’t know how MA sleeps at night. I mean yes, he did not commit adultery… but does wanting a son serves as a justifiable reason, and if it is, shouldn’t he have taken better care of the daughters he already had?? And shouldn’t he have granted his first wife the divorce she asked for when she did, instead of divorcing her after she got sick upon the second wife’s request??? To him, he thinks he was being fair by dividing apartments on his kids… but I wish to tell him that when he dies, the apartment, the big one, will only go to the son and the second wife the way things work in Egypt.


Case No. 3:
Mr. AA, the husband’s previous employer. He is a multi millionaire, from a well known family who believes he is religious enough because he happens to pray and refrains from drinking! It’s strange he gives minimum wages to hard working people and still believes that way, but who am I to judge!

He married his secretary and had two sons and two daughters. 22 years later, he married his 25 year old secretary at the age of 50. What was the reason? I think refraining from adultery, although it wasn’t announced. So his new wife got a wedding gift of 400000.00 EGP worth, in addition to a latest Lincoln Grand Marquise model which she had specially ordered. I don’t care how judgmental I would sound when I say she married him for the money.

The day his family found out, the wife collapsed and I think she hit hysteric paralysis, yet she never asked for a divorce, probably for financial and social reasons! His daughter almost had a car accident as she got into her car right after he told her himself he was marrying someone a couple of years older than her! his mother and brothers refused to attend the wedding (yes, it was a big white wedding!!), and the new wife’s sister got promoted in the company and of course the new wife herself was not stupid enough to quit work and leave room for another Twinkie (I am sorry, I just couldn’t help it)!!

Almost 2 years later, he lost a good franchise to his competitor (yestahel) and his company has been liquidized and divided between him and his siblings since I don’t think they could trust him with their money anymore. I don’t know anything about his family or his business since I don’t know anything about the husband to begin with, but I can’t help but wish he gets a taste of his own medicine when the new wife decides she’s still young enough to find someone her own age.

I remember how much I despised that man when it all happened. He did not stop to consider the impact his second marriage had on his wife, that I can barely understand… but what about the negative impact it had on his kids??? His daughter could go marry someone his age just to spite him, and he wouldn’t even argue, but I’d like to see him try!!!

Talking to my father (who kept laughing cynically as I was telling him the whole story with passion enough to start media war on that man), he was like “he thinks he did nothing wrong, he still provides for both of the wives, and supports his kids financially”… I insisted “but what about destroying his kids emotionally, I mean don’t fathers have obligations towards their kids”… he continued “he thinks he did the best he could, his calculations are merely financial, and he thinks it’s more than enough… not just him, a lot of people think that way… and it could be right to an extent you just never know… you see, justice cannot be applied as far as emotions are concerned”… I know what my dad meant, it just wouldn’t register in my head!! I know and I understand why one cannot be fair when it comes to their emotions and I understand that fairness can only be applied with tangibles, but those men I mentioned caused tangible emotional damage to people whom they should care more for.


I am not saying it’s religion’s fault, I am only saying that the way people apply religion SUCKS, and it does our religion great injustice.

I don’t know how to say that the “right” way, but I think second or multiple marriages are only ok if no one gets harmed; at least not the children!! If women in our society are forced to stay in dead-end marriages just for the sake of the kids, then perhaps men should reconsider second marriages for the same reason.

However, if the choice ever comes between second marriage and adultery, I would vote for second marriage because no person in the right mind should choose what’s wrong over what’s right, and like fadfadation said, marriage protects the rights of all parties involved, not just money wise, but also social acceptance wise, which is very important, especially in or society.

I know it’s hard to believe, but I will say it nonetheless: if he had come to me saying “insomniac, I think I am in love with her and I will marry her, it’s your choice to stay or walk out on this marriage, but I am doing what I have to do!” I would have left. I know I would have cried rivers, but my tears would not have the same bitter aftertaste of the humiliation of being cheated upon, of being compared to a person I have no respect for, of being lied to and hurt just to cover up for several moments of weakness… after all, I would like to think I deserved better treatment, and I would have liked to think that I was worth more than an affair, that I was worth something legitimate.

But hey, that’s just me!!

An overdue rant

Two years ago, when I was diagnosed for having stones in my gall bladder (aka marara), and had to have it removed, a friend of my sister’s told her sarcastically “gozha fa2a3laha el marara, sa7”! Back then, no one had a clue of my marital problems, not even I! It was basically that friend’s conception that most people are unhappily married, in addition to the general conception that men give their wives el marara.

It was basically a joke. Even when the two of us had that big fight when I did not like the doctor he made me visit with his creepy doctor friend, that I panicked the day of the ERCP procedure and had to postpone it to the next day to be done in another hospital with a different doctor, the one who first diagnosed me (God bless that man).

Even when he did not show up that day because he was upset with me for ‘embarrassing’ him with his doctor friends, I did not think we had big issues really. Even when I got out of the hospital the same day to go back to my beano and did not find the driver or the car, that my mom and I had to take a cab home, I thought it was him urgently needing the driver to run an urgent errand. Even when he visited for a total of 15 minutes and left despite the pain I was in and my request of him to stay with me; I just thought he was like my dad, unable to react around sick people. Instead, I appreciated him bringing me ice cream despite being unable to eat a thing for two days.

I repeatedly over heard mama saying “howa elly gablaha el marara”, and just gave her the stop-saying-crap look. However, according to her, my husband was mean to me since our first baby. She saw my continuous sobbing long after my baby blues was supposedly over. She saw that fight I had with him over the phone in the hospital parking lot. She knew how extremely uncomfortable his grandma made me feel and saw how many times I have endured it saying “my late nana wasn’t that easy on people either, but she loved me; the least I can do is endure that woman because I know she loves him”.

As my mother, she felt bad for me of the past year, she sometimes badmouthed him, but she was immediately silenced by my glares. And of all the people he has offended all through the past six months (and even before), she was the one he offended the most because she was an easy target; given how he knew we never got quite along.

So what the hell is wrong with her to tell me that yesterday?

Her: you know, this court thing, could drag for a year, it’s not good for the kids
Me: so? There isn’t much I can do about it!
Her: I was thinking… but you always dislike my opinions and give me attitude, although all I want is the best for you and the kids..
Me: meaning?
Her: really, it’s for the welfare of the kids, and I know you wouldn’t like to hear the end of it
Me: mama, just say whatever it is you want to say and spare me the intro; this is exactly what makes me impatient
Her: he wasn’t always that bad you know
Me: MAMA, say whatever you want already
Her: well, for the sake of the kids, don’t get me wrong, what would happen if you –just for the sake of the kids- compromise and go back to him..

I will not repeat what I said to her in reply, because it was extremely rude and impolite of me. However, I am ashamed to say, I would say all over again.

When telling my father, he smiled and said “typical”. I told him “no seriously, I need to know what she was thinking, did she really mean it? Or she just wanted to piss me off?”. He tried to explain by telling me that she thinks I am acting irresponsibly, which is making her believe to some extent that my husband had reasons to behave that way!!!

Again, I was overwhelmed by what my dad told me; I asked him what she was expecting of me exactly and what her definition of responsible was. Again, he repeated that it is a fact that I am being irresponsible to an extent, and did his best to change the subject after making it clear that he does not agree with the rest of mama’s theory.

What do they want? I may not act ‘responsibly’ all the time, but I sure as hell have a big sense of responsibility that is suffocating the crap out of me.

I have admitted what I have done wrong in my marriage more than once; heck, I have even apologized to my husband for it repeatedly despite my awareness that it no way justified what HE did to me.

I am the one who takes care of the kids (with my family’s help), not him; he never even did that. The most he has ever done was take beano to the pool and then giving him to me to shower and change him, even when I was pregnant.

I never complained when he wasn’t that bad. I was as responsible as I could be, given all the circumstances.

Damn it, they can’t just do this to me, they can’t!!

Now, I know she expects me to take care of mocha more, but how am I supposed to when I sleep less than 5 hours a day, work 8 hours a day, and run errands every now and then, and let’s not forget I have a flu that simply won't go away!!

Yes, I get tired!! Am I not supposed to??

Yes, sometimes I can’t stand the sound of a crying baby, and I am entitled to; still, I take him in my arms and try to smile and sing to him the way I normally would if I wasn’t that exhausted.

Yes, I lose my temper at beano when he insists on doing the same mistake over and over just out of being stubborn and I yell at her when she tells me to take it easy because I don’t want him to be a spoilt brat like some I know. But I also know how to take him in my arms and make him feel loved and accepted for whatever her is.

I am admitting I am not the best mother in the world; I know I am not. I even know I am not as responsible as I should be at times.

But I am responsible enough to stay in my room when I have extremely strong urges to get dressed and leave all the chaos I have and just drive away until I feel ready to go home and take it from her or from my kids.

I am responsible enough to wake after midnight and change mocha’s diaper when I am too tired and finally sleepy.

I am responsible enough to keep my social life to the minimum so that i can spend more time at home although I would love to go out and have some fun for a change.

I am responsible enough to still respect that I am married, even if it’s to someone whom for all I know is probably either married or dating or doing whatever, and living his life to the fullest, yet ignoring the family he crushed.

I am sorry ma, I can’t be any more responsible than that! I am a 26 year old child who feels ages older than she really is. I hated responsibility since I was a little kid, but I always took it because no one else would, so spare me that crap.

I wasted 7 of the best years of my life on him, and for that I couldn’t be sorrier. So, NO, I will never even think of wasting one more minute on him for anybody’s sake, not even my kids. And by the way, I am 1000000% convinced that it can never be good for my kids to stay in such marriage.

And if you utter one more word about how many times you decided to stay in your marriage for our sake, I will personally go ask dad to spare you and give you your long waited, yet never requested divorce, except that I know it is NOT what you want; it is just your way of making things about you, like when I complain about something and you say you have it too.

LEAVE ME ALONE, I have enough shit in my life and I promise I can take it much better if you just cut me some slag.

I’m turning into a paranoid overprotective mother

Ok, I’ve been having headaches over this among other things, and since I don’t wanna talk about the depressing $#it the husband is doing, I will talk about this hoping I would get some help from whoever reads this.

Beano’s nursery have arranged a trip (somewhere close enough and I know it’s a place he enjoys going to), where he is supposed to experience being with people other than his family members and have fun, and eat pizza (which is his favorite or the only kind of food he can actually say its name).

My parents are all for it, actually they were very enthusiastic about it. My sisters got excited, and as I was telling a friend of mine, she was like “that’s a good idea”. Then what the hell is wrong with me????!!!

Ok, I will try list my fears and concerns that I haven’t been able to share all of them due to my lack of concentration…

- He barely says words that make sense, so if he gets lost (yeah, in my head, there isa big chance he would) he would not be able to express himself; if he figured out he was lost to start with! For God’s sake, when asked his name, he smiles and says proudly “boMMba”.

- With all the kids with them, he might get himself hurt or something or get another bruise, which will immediately make me switch nurseries after killing the person in charge.

- I am worried his dad would somehow know about the trip or even be around the same place and takes him to cause more drama than there already is. I need to clarify that my son would do the “babaaaaaa”-and-throw-himself-at-his-dad movie theme.

There was one more point, but the headache and my mom yelling in the background is making it impossible for me to remember (SHHHHH mama, ufff ba2a).

So you think I am paranoid? I say I have quite a vivid imagination, and I can already see scenarios that end with me crying like hell and saying his name hysterically. I know the last point is a bit farfetched but hey, it could happen; I never thought his father would ever behave that way.

Ok, so I wrote all I could think of right now (considering that I have strong urges to go yell back at my mom, and I was chatting with D because it’s the first time we’ve both been online since two weeks ago). So, I will leave a poll up there and I will appreciate having some comments from people telling me to snap out of the crazy mom thing I am feeling before Sunday at 4 since it is the deadline for giving my confirmation.

I think I will go fight with mama now.