Why doesn't revenge taste so sweet?

Did I ever mention that I find vengeance to be one of the most interesting notions? It is; it’s such a drive that has its very own strong momentum and it can just drag for years and years, and like it or not it’s behind a lot of good plots be it in reality or fiction.

Is it a co-incidence that most of my favorite movies revolve around the consuming idea of vengeance. When I first read A Tale of Two Cities, as appalled as I was by Madame De Farge’s unforgiving pursuit of Charles Darnay and his family, deep down, I couldn’t help but sympathize for the amount of injustice she’s been subjected to which completely changed her into what she’s become. You must react to that kind of hurt and feel for it even if it turns into something so cruel.

When I read The Count of Monte Cristo, I was satisfied with Edmond’s revenge and it was as if I was getting my own. Yes, I believe in payback and it in its healing power just as I believe in the destruction it could cause to all parties.

I could go on and on about vengeance and how I think it could be legitimate, as well as when I think it went to an uncontrollable extreme, but I’m not sure I’d come up with something any more brilliant than all the things that’s been previously written. Just take my word for it, revenge is a very strong thing and it’s anything simple or marginal; it’s also the thought that came to mind as I started writing this.

Where do I begin, I’m sure a lot of those who read this know where it started, or at least are familiar enough. Nonetheless, I find it hard to write this coherently because if I do it will be too long for me to write and it might get more personal than I can afford, so it will just be bits and pieces, and I’ll leave it to your imagination to fill in the details.

I once told him I’d break him to pieces if he’d ever hurt me that way again. I looked him right in the eyes saying I’d destroy him and he’d see a side of me neither of us knew existed. I guess he knew me better then because he never believed; he hurt me anyway! When the time came for me to use everything I could possibly know against him, I just couldn’t. I am not saying I am a better person here, I am not; because I spent enough time thinking of how I could harm him, and there came times when I was very close to doing it, I just didn’t know if I had it in me to live with myself and whatever consequences there were to come.

Some time long after I got over my shock and my agony, I stumbled into a movie, Something’s Gotta Give. At the end, when Jack Nicholson goes all the way to Paris to win Diane Keaton back, only he finds her there with Keanu Reeves (EWWWW). There is that moment where they’re singing her happy birthday and she’s laughing so happily in Keanu’s arms (EWWWW again), and you can see the way Nicholson looking at her an you can almost hear him thinking “that should have been me holding her”. That was when I decided that the only revenge I could get without being a horrible person was to see that very same look on his face. I wanted him to see me living happily, enjoying the life he can no longer share with me.

I forced myself to move on and be stronger just to have that moment. I glorified the feeling I’d get and used it as a motive to get myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again. I can’t deny that I have a relationship phobia or that I have so little faith in love. I can’t deny that in the process of moving on, I almost stumbled and fell, and that I still look back and wonder what the hell happened back there. I always end up shaking my head and saying it didn’t matter; I was never ready and it was never meant to be. Little by little, it started to be less about my revenge moment and more about just getting by day after the other.

Now, that we’re on talking basis again, I see him quite often. He very occasionally hints that he still wants me back and that I’m better off with him than with anybody to the extent that I find it insulting because WOW, if I’m better off with him then I’m really bound to misery! Seeing him, talking to him and having to communicate with him amicably for the boys’ sake, I realized I’m actually capable of being a bigger person, something I never thought I could do! It’s not that I am not that forgiving or that I am vindictive by nature; it’s just because I distinctively remember how hurt I was and how the idea of revenge helped me get back on my feet, or close enough.

Yesterday, I took a leap of growing up. I agreed (without much argument) to have the kids visit his grandma before her surgery. I did that knowing there will be all sorts of people I dislike there. I wasn’t that pleasant except to the one person in his family that’s been decent to me, and the sick person to whom I couldn’t really afford beingharsh, given her age and her health status despite how much I dislike her. I could clearly see how embarrassed he was when his kids didn’t know his own immediate family and were too intimidated to let go of my hands, I actually felt sorry for him and kneeled on my knees as I tried to soothe the boys and tell them to go say hi to people I don’t even like. I don’t know, I really surprise myself at times.

Today, I had that moment I had almost forgotten that I once wanted! I just did a while ago. It wasn’t face to face, and I didn’t have a Keanu to hold me (THANK GOD), only I didn’t think it brought as much comfort as I once thought it would.

He apologized, he acknowledged his faults and he said I was never the bad person he worked so hard to make it sound like.

He said he was lonely and with all that money could buy him, he couldn’t find someone who loved him the way he knew I once did.

He said he was miserable, and it was eating him up that he can no longer see that love in my eyes, and that the best he could hope for was indifference.

He said he found some of my last journals from before I left, and that he read how I gradually lost hope in him, and he couldn’t believe he had become that person he himself detested as he read on.

I wanted to stop him because it sounded too sincere and I didn’t want him to put himself out there when I knew I was going to reject him at the end of his speech. Only he wouldn’t let me, he said his apology was due and it was hard enough for him to apologize so I should just let him.

Why didn’t I feel the warmth and fuzziness I promised myself all those two years? Why did I not smile contently that he’s sorry and suffering? Why did I not find solace in his misery and regret?

I have two theories; it’s either because I have more damage than him only it wasn’t my own doing like it is in his case, or because I have taken my time healing on my own, I no longer need any revenge from him. I don’t think it’s either, at least not exclusively.

Either way, his apology didn’t bring that much of a victory I long anticipated! In the contrary, it brought confusion because as he spoke of good things we once shared, I found my mind drifting to the horrible things that happened and took all the good away. He spoke of memories that were no longer so vivid and it confused me even more to be caught between resentment and sympathy for the same person.

I really wish we could write the words “The End” now, and that we can manage to be good to each other outside the marriage just for the sake of the kids. He still says it’s too hard for him to let me go, but I would like to think he would after all is clear enough to him. He thinks I might change my mind given time, but he doesn’t get that the more time I spend with him, the more I realize we were not a good match like I once thought and that there is nothing in the world that would make me repeat the mistake of choosing to be with him.

At the end of the day, I am glad and grateful I am not in his shoes and I do not have his burdens or his guilt. I realize that it is a blessing that I am not enjoying my revenge because it means that there is something in me he couldn’t change. Did that make any sense?

Falling into place…

I am still too overwhelmed to write a coherent post that links all the pieces together without being too long and blabber-ish!

All I can say is that it all makes sense now, or at least most of it!

I never really thought it would, I never imagined I’d see it so clearly, but I do, and it feels amazing, indescribable actually!

I think of all the people I have known through the last couple of years and I see the value each has added, the contribution each has made to my emotional and mental growth! Even the ones I don’t understand do not bring turmoil; strangely enough, the confusion comes with an accepting smile.

I look at the darkest part of my life and I am grateful it’s behind me. I understand how I got there and I appreciate that I finally found a way out. I am acknowledging my share of responsibility on how I got myself in that much trouble and I forgive myself. Strangely enough, I am also willing to forgive others; it’s a bit conditional, but it’s a place to start. Who knew!

My old problems will come to an end, one way or the other, I still don’t know which, but I know it will end soon and that’s a relief.

I still have my fears and my worries, but I am convinced that if I keep a clear perspective like I do right now, I shall be safe. I have my well defined set of rules, and I know which ones I can break and when, and I am happy that way.

It’s time to give something back. I would be lying if I say it’s completely selfless of me, it’s also self-serving; I need to be constantly reminded of what I’ve been through so that I won’t forget what I have to do, and so that I don’t let myself lose my way again.

Looks like it’s time this blog is no longer a moping space, at least not quite as often! I don’t know how I would find the words to fill it, but I know I will find something to say, I always do! After all, I am not that zen and I am still working on getting my divorce, not to mention my high expectations of life which of course will lead me to many disappointments to come… so there is always good drama there ;)

Cairo… Alex… Cairo, and in between…

Here is what I have been told based on the silliest looking scribbling EVER, I mean it; my artistic skills are below average, way below.

“What or who is controlling your life and suffocating you that much and making you feel like you’re literally unable to breathe? You seem to desperately want to break free and you believe your life will be much better once you get rid of that control”

“You carry a lot of fear; too much fear! You hate the control and you long for it to be over but you have millions of fears that you suppress about that control and what’s to come next”

“Someone is burning! It seems like you decided to discard someone out of your life; there are lots of emotions involved in that decision, like you wish that someone would burn”

“You have sibling? Two?? You feel quite responsible for them, and you worry too much for them. Oh, you say you have two kids, makes more sense. You think you’re the better parent; you don’t believe you’re a great parent, but you are sure their father is that bad, I think this is the person I mentioned! You think your kids will have a happier life and will be able to play and enjoy life with him away”

Then we talked some more! I said I didn’t feel like talking, and that the fact that I did not want to talk was somehow pissing me off because *ahem* I am a talkative person. I talked about how my parents, as understanding as they try to be, seem to never give up on the idea of me going back to him. I talked about how I can no longer cry my heart out to any of my close friends, not even to myself. I talked about how I got used to looking strong in front of others that I am starting to feel numb inside because it seems to be the only way I could hide my own weakness.

I don’t remember if I had ever said that in spoken words, I talked about his emotional abuse! How I believed all the lies he said about me and how I helped him turn me into someone I hated. How I built my world around him and gave up on my own life with all its interests and became so dependant on someone who tampered with my self esteem and made me doubt my own self worth. I don’t remember saying those words out loud before!!

That was when I was told…

“It’s obvious that your decision to get out of that marriage was not merely emotional, which is good because it came with complete conviction, it came from the depth of your soul. It’s only natural because he was your biggest disappointment in life; you gave up on who you are because you thought that was how to love him, and he didn’t appreciate it or take care of you, howa fe3lan mass dammek, we sabek –sorryy- men gheir dam” *smile*

“The pain you’re in now is because you’re feeling lonely; no one around you has the slightest clue about the pain and the damage you feel, because as much as it seems like you share, you have not really shared enough to unburden yourself. You want to do it alone, because you’re afraid you’d count on anyone then be let down again, and you know you’re too vulnerable to be let down at this point, so you want to stand on your own two feet alone, but it’s getting lonely because no one knows and no one understand the fears you have”

“The upside is that you know it will be over, you have that much faith that the pain won’t last forever, which is very good! But you need to also know that it will take time and that you have to be patient, and handle your fears so that you won’t let them ruin the good things you know you have”

“My advice to you is to hang in there! Be patient. Insist on what you chose; say NO to anyone who tries to make you change your mind or talks you into going back. You made the right decision, you will not take care of your kids if you go back to that marriage, as a matter of fact, what’s keeping you from doing better for your kids is the worrying and the burden of all this not being over. You made the right decision, now all you have to do is stick to it, no matter what”

I haven’t been told something I didn’t already know, but being told that by a complete stranger who assumed some of the facts just from my juvenile crap brought me relief. The feeling that someone who had no agenda whatsoever, someone who had no reason to take my side told me I was right and confirmed my need for this marriage to end. Someone acknowledged my pain and validated it without showing me pity and without making me cry or feel vulnerable about any of it. I can fairly say it helped to hear my words spoken by someone who couldn’t care less.

That feeling made my lonely drive to Alexandria at around 9 pm more tolerable than it could have ever been with my fatigue, headache, and toothache and newly discovered blurry vision.

Generally, yesterday was a great day; my best friend D came from the states and I saw her for around 10 minutes before I got my above analysis, then I drove to Alex to see my father who had arrived from KSA, I did not fight with my mother and both my kids seemed happy. I was grateful, until he sent me a text making me get all paranoid and restrict viewing of my blog again!!

As for today, I was with my parents in the car when I heard my dad talking to one of the people who volunteered to help me reconcile with him! I heard how my father kept saying that he would never encourage me to go with the divorce if my x lives up to his promises and shows true remorse! I remembered the words I have been told, I remembered everything without really having to go through all the memories, and just like that I started crying.

It was 2:30 pm, random people in the street could see my face covered with tears I didn’t even bother hiding them by reaching for my shades; what’s the point?! I sobbed and I argued about how I needed my parents to know that there is nothing I want out of him but to let me go. I allowed my mother to see how much pain I was feeling, I allowed myself to feel the pain I was trying to hide. I told them I could no longer even play the game of saying that I am willing to go back if he lives up to my strict, hard and non-negotiable conditions; I no longer have conditions, all I have now is a desperate need of him to let me go.

My mom tried saying nice things, but she failed as always. I can’t say my father was happy about my emotional outburst. My dad called me stupid for saying they did not feel my agony, he mentioned how we should do all we can to maintain the marriage because that’s what “good Muslims” do. I cried even harder when I told him that Islam never mentioned that a wife should live with a husband against her will, my dad argued back that I should have good reasons to not want to share my life with that husband, then I asked him if all that did not count! He tried calming me down and said that I should not be that upset because there is no way my x would live up to any of it, but neither should I say “I want out no matter what he does to get me back”!!!

I don’t get it! I don’t. I hate how my dad uses religion against me that way. I know what he’s doing and I understand it, but making me feel less adequate religion wise because I want a divorce is not going to help me be a better Muslim. Remaining in this marriage for the sake of God is not going to help me practice my faith and keep it! I admit that getting into that dilemma is what helped me find my faith, but going back would cost me my faith and a lot of other things; my sanity, my self respect, my will to live, and me.

I tried to calm down and I engaged in different conversations as we met with other people, but every time I took a glimpse of my mirror image I lingered on how older I looked, how jaded and tired I looked! For the first time I could see how crying makes me look that way.

I wanted to drive all the way back to Cairo; why not, it was 6 pm and the road seemed clear and peaceful and I needed to lose myself in the speed and the music, but I didn’t even argue when the driver said I looked like I could use some rest. I dosed off for a while, but I kept opening my eyes to calls from the x and loud songs playing on my mp3 player. Until I finally woke up to this…

"و صلي عللي قلبك يحبه
تلقى زمانك ضحك في عبه
و داوى قلبك من اللي تاعبه
و الـلـــي لعــب به

و صلي عليه

و صلي عللي يحبه قلبك
و اقف في وجه الريح لقلبك
و اسعى فـ دربك، و مهما دار بك
و مهما طال بك هتنول مطالبك
وتدوق تحلي

ماشية السفينة والريح جفينا
و الموج خفينا، جوعنا حفينا
بس احنا فينا أحلام دفينة
بيها اتغفينا و بكرة تكفينا
و اليل يولي

بصلي عللي حباه تملي
و عللي علي حاسب يا خلي
الاقي املي اكتملي، ماللي
و الخير داخللي و أنا فـ محلي
و يا دي التجلي

و صلي عللي قلبك يحبه
تلقى زمانك ضحك في عبه
و داوى قلبك من اللي تاعبه
و اللـــي لعـــب به

و صلي عليه"

تجلي لـ كاميليــا جبـران**

I am calmer now, I realize there is o way in hell I am going back; I have come way too far already to even worry about being forced to go back. No one can force me into changing my mind, and no one can force me to share my life with him again. All I have to do is hang in there and do the best I can and keep the faith. I can do that, I will.

Until then, I am allowed to get upset when things stir up the way they did today, but I will always remember the words I have been told, and that song, and will pull myself together and move on.

** The lyrics are not hundred percent accurate and my eyes hurt too much to actually search the web, so please let me know if I am wrong on any of it… oh, and the song is worth checking!

Linger

I always loved that song! Ever since I first listened to it; and I loved it even more when I listened to the live version from the Pavarotti and Friends concert for the Children of Bosnia.

It was strange for all my friends to hear me say how much I loved that particular song because they would tell me things like “I don’t see you getting your heart broken over anyone, you have a careful heart and you’re too strong to be wrapped around anyone’s finger” and later, they used to say with a puzzeled tone “but you're happily married, this song does not suit you”… hehehe *sarcastic laugh*

For the past three years, this song used to make me ache way too much. I have verses of it written all over my notebooks, and the journal I kept, and even on word files!! It didn’t just hurt because he hurt me; it hurt because I let him hurt me. I let him wrap me around his finger, I let myself be foolish enough to believe his lame ass lies, I let him use me, and at some point, I let him change me.

This song made me angry at myself more than anyone else!! I thought I was smarter than that; smarter than to fall for a person like him. That’s what people told me all the time, and that’s what I believed; I am a smart person who wouldn’t let any one take advantage of me… again, hahahaha *ok, I actually find this funny*

This song was my worst nightmare come to life! Knowing that he wasn’t worth it, acknowledging he’s a piece of crap and yet for some reason wondering why he had to let it linger.

A few days ago, as I was driving with my sisters to or from Alexandria (I honestly don’t remember), the song played. And for the first time in the past three years, I sang along with a huge smile on my face; no sadness, no bitterness, no anger, but most of all, no linger.

It’s still a good song, too good to remind me of him.

** this was written a coupel of weeks ago, only posted today for Ran

On plans

People overrate plans, or do they??

I am not a planner, never was!! The most I have planned back in the day was a short to-do list that I never got to mark all of it because I got distracted doing other things.

Growing up with a father like mine, I could never have any long term plans of trips with friends, courses, training, or simply hanging out!! How could I when I used to spend every weekend on Cairo-Alex Desert road and back!! And summers, well, there was the family vacation wherever and the two weeks a month in Alexandria.

So if my appreciation for plans is not that big, it’s because I had to be flexible enough to make my plans within my dad’s plans; sometimes even too flexible to have plans anyway!! I mean what’s the use of plans if you cannot control most of the external factors??!!

When I got married, I was the perfect wife that way, no plans of my own!! I mean hey let’s go, why not! Let’s stay in, cool!! I am going with friends, ok, I will call some of my friends and go see them or have them over, or even watch a movie or check on my favorite aunt!! One thing I was really good at, filling my free time; it’s only natural when I put too many things on hold and wait for the time and space to make them happen.

Until I decided that I needed my own plan now that I am on my own, in a sense! And since I am an amateur, my one plan was not air tight. I knew it!! Not that this particular plan would fall to pieces, but the whole idea of a plan not standing long enough.

I am not upset about it, actually, the fact that I am not upset about it makes me glad I am back to my old self; the person who didn’t dwell much on things she couldn’t control, which makes me wonder what this disgrace of husband did to me!!

I mean in the past few years I had turned into a jealous control freak that fights with herself before him to keep all the anger and range under control. I drove myself crazy; but this is what happens when you don’t feel the security and stability you need, you go crazy and lose all connections with who you originally are.

He made me think it was because this is who I was that he cheated, when I remember very clearly who I was before I met him. I was everyone’s friend, the girl you would confide in and know she wouldn’t let you down and who would always make you see the full half of the cup and have your peace with the empty half; big believer in silver linings.

Of course I had an attitude, of course there was a nasty side to me, but the people I loved and cared for had never seen it. Ok sometimes my sisters see that, but they usually have it coming! Yes you do girls ;)

Haaah, it doesn’t matter any more. I am fine with it all, because I am fine with who I am right now, and where I am; because I can relate to who I once was and who I planned on being for a while. Did I say planned?!!! Ok, wanted is a better word. I supposed I jinxed what I wanted to be by calling it a plan at some point!

Even my post about plans discussed an unplanned thought or two!! Yep, plans do not work for me, and it’s ok; perhaps living the moment is not a bad thing; it’s what I was meant to do, so I should just sit back and enjoy it.

** stretching my arms and smiling... yes B, I am becoming all cat-ish

I worry though, big time… I may write about the restless fetch-dog that I am, but that’s another post for later; as long as I don’t plan to write it :)

!!!

This was taken from two long phone calls that took place yesterday. I have no idea why the calls dragged, but it could be attributed to my bad bad flu and my lack of concentration.

Him: enty beted3y 3alaya??
Me: no!
Him: you must, my life sucks these days; everything and everyone is turning against me
Me: well, I once said “rabena yegazeeh 3ala ad 3amalo we neyetto”, so I am guessing 3amalak eswed!
Him: *bitter laugh* I guess so
Me: So what do u want? What are you calling me for? You know I am the last person who would feel for you
Him: I thought I could always find a friend in you; after all, you have always been my best friend
Me: I am not your friend, at least not anymore… and for what it’s worth, you’ve never been my friend, if you think you were, then let me tell you, you sucked at it! So now that we’ve established I am not your friend, 3ayez eh?
Him: 3ayez 2a2olek en 7ayaty bayza, yemken da yeraya7ek… rabena ba3atlek nas keteer takhodlek 7a2ek even more than you could have ever done it yourself
Me: *sarcastic laugh* there might be a time I would have been happy to hear that, but I realized that if it makes me happy, then I won’t be much different from you, and I would like to think I am…
Him: then why do I hear anger in your voice?
Me: this is not anger, don’t you remember what anger was like?
Him: so is it hate?
Me: I promised I wouldn’t hate you, you don’t deserve hate
Him: what is it?
Me: dismay I guess… you see, you’re not the person I would like to talk to, especially when I am down with cold and need every moment of rest.
Him: can I ask you something?
Me: whatever…
Him: do you not love me anymore?
Me: *laughing* (the question sounded funny really)… no, I am not
Him: ok, apparently you have moved on
Me: yeah, anything else??
Him: *sobbing voice!!* no, bye and good luck
Me: *hanging up*

I had this conversation in my head so many times, I didn’t actually believe it was happening!! Strange though how it didn’t feel as glorious as I once thought it would; wasn’t bad at all either :)

And oh oh oh, more good news, I’m gonna be an auntie (YEEEEEYYY)… my friend H is pregnant… I am so excited; this time, it’s not me who will give birth, hehe!

A brief walk down memory lane

My college… where I first felt independent, where somehow I realized on my own that people’s opinions didn’t matter, where I made strong friendships with H and K, where I liked spending time with my colleagues but didn’t make friends with most of them!

Where all the people I kept at a distance used to call me “tenka” and “aleeta”, while those I let in knew better! But both agreed that I was the toughest in my group and that I took shit from no one; friends or foes.

Where I fought with H (over the silliest thing ever) and let stupid N and malicious N get in the way. Where I totally ignored her as stupid N took her side and malicious N took mine.

N and her Libra influence on me!! Very few people influence me that way, and I am not so proud I was influenced by her, but I learned a lot; I learned that when you keep crossing that thin line between your morals and ethics and the things you simply rationalize, you no longer see the line.

I am glad H and I talked again, and I am very grateful our friendship became stronger and I am very ashamed she forgave me for having a ‘gazma adeema’ of a brain. Thanks H, you’re the best college gave me really!

My college memories were never something I would hide from! Except because of him! Thanks to him, I’ve been avoiding passing there because it is also where he had his MBA classes and first started dating behind my back. Since I found out, I couldn’t help but tear up every time I pass there, so I simply avoided the whole place and went around it every time there was an errand to run.

Yesterday I passed there… I had to park my car exactly where I used to back in college days! I had to get out and walk in the same streets I once walked as a young girl who thought the world was hers. I didn’t feel like the world wasn’t mine anymore, but for some reason I kept looking down and checking where my feet were!

I had a meeting in the same place I had my katb ketab party! I walked into the same ballroom to see the settings. I didn’t know what my face conveyed really; I simply can’t remember if I smiled or just looked blankly! But as I walked back to my car and passed by where I once picked him up the day I told him the sex of my first baby, I pulled the breaks and allowed that thought to surface: when he had tears in his eyes and kissed my hand, was it because he was happy, or was it because he felt guilty about two timing me?

Then I drove my way shaking off the thought… it doesn’t matter now, does it? It shouldn’t matter; it wouldn’t change a thing really. And so, I played Souad Massi’s Khsara 3aleik and let the streets leading to home soothe me.

I think I just got my college memories back and I can visit them any time I like now without his memory blocking my thinking.

Quick Update...

I just called the nursery!!

They are back safely, all kids present, and when I specifically asked about my cuteness, I was told he was happy and "meza2tat". YEEEEY *insert fireworks and such*

I can't wait till it's 4 so that I can go pick him up and ask him questions about his trip to which he would answer "aaannnn annn" or "aaah eeeeeh" or try to explain with his made-up sign language.

Counting the minutes... well, not really, I am too busy to even write the post, just wanted to thank those who advised me to send him... Thank you people...

I feel much better...

I stumbled on that while I was copying and pasting some files to clean up my desktop!!


To you..

Oh how I loved you..

Yes, I do say loveD, I promised myself it will be over and I plan to keep that promise..

You were everything to me, my first everything, even my first disappointment..

I think back of all the times I could have walked away and almost did, and wonder why on earth u begged me out of it when your plan was to not cherish me..

I remember and wish I could have those years back.. I know I never will, and for that I am as sorry as you can never imagine..

For the last year, I have been staying because I was missing what it once felt like, being with you.. to tell you the truth, I still miss it, but now, I know better than to ever believe it will be like it once was..

People tell me to stay for the sake of what has been, but I say that I better leave for the sake of what is to be..

I know there won’t be much, at least not for me.. but let’s call it self preservation.. I need my sanity and I need my peace of mind that I once lost for you..

I wish I could hurt you at least half as much as you hurt me, sadly enough, it appears I am incapable of that, it’s pathetic how helpless you make me feel..

I wonder why people always said I was the strong one among my group.. is it because I am really strong? Or is it because they never saw me around you?

You always made me weak, and I always loved how I surrendered to your strength..

Now, I resent it all, I resent the utter love, the blind faith and all the weaknesses I once considered strengths..

It’s time for me stand on my own feet and not wait for you to lift me, for all you ever really did was put me down, so Goodbye..

I am sorry to say I do not wish you well..

I am sorry to say that I wish you all the pain and misery you bestowed on me..

I am more than sorry to say that I wish one day you’d wake up and want nothing of the world but to see the loving way I looked at you, you’d look for it in every other girl’s eyes and never find it, then you’d look for it in me and find nothing but indifference..

I am sorry the most for wasting the good years of my life on you.. I deserved a lot better than that, at least the person I once was did.

written on April 7th, 2007


I am so glad my feelings are not that intense anymore!! I remember I was ‘home’ writing that while sitting on my bed and sobbing, with a pregnant belly and more hormones than my system could handle. I remember it was written three days after a “Dear you” version of it!!

No, I don’t wanna hurt him anymore :) I am totally over that. I think he’s more capable of hurting himself for that matter.

I don’t think I’m weak, I think I loved him the only way I knew how to love. When you love someone, you gave it all you have… or that’s what I think. And for that, I have no regret or resentment.

As for wishing him well… umm, I don’t think I am that big a person :) I would only like him to understand what he did, because I know he still hasn’t. I know that once he does, he will realize how hard it was for me to let go and perhaps –if I’m that lucky- I would see that look on his face when he sees me as happy as I plan on being (I really should stop having high hopes!!).

Dear God, I am so very thankful for finally having some peace of mind. I know it sounds greedy, but I would like to feel that peaceful for the rest of my life.