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I admit, I was righteous, a tight ass according to many, but in my righteousness I found my comfort. Even in my constant struggle to live up to my own high standards, I enjoyed my pride enjoyed winning every ethical challenge.
In my own utopia oblivion, I always believed that the one thing I should always do is what I think is right; I believed in the notion of “wrong is wrong, right is right” religiously; I never accepted any justification for wrong and I never thought people would disagree on what’s right. After being slapped around, I learned to tolerate wrong from people and have it in me to see their “false” justifications, but never from myself... condescending perhaps, but in the most tolerant way I knew!
This was how I nourished my pride; this was also how I kept my faith. I always believed that if I could live up to those standards with every challenge, I would definitely have it in me to accept all my misfortunes and I would be able to pray for God’s mercy in times of crisis. This was how I managed to be patient, strong, and confident; I used my pride and my stubbornness to hold on to who I thought I was, and when everything fell from around me, I held on even more tightly and stubbornly.
Until today.
All my righteous notions and phrases haunted me so mercilessly. Today, I learned the hard way that sometimes what I should do, is not what I think is right. I saw first hand how what I should do, as not-right/wrong as it is, is still justified and somehow right! I was shocked and hurt and confused and… hurt, majorly hurt.
Today, stretching the truth to its maximum was not a lie. Today, the thing I took pride in the most, my truthfulness, was compromised because that was what I honestly believed I should do. I stretched the truth because that was what I should do for the one I love the most. I could not look him in the eye and beg him to spare me because it would have been selfish of me to serve my pride over him… meh, I guess I am too proud to feel selfish anyway.
I shivered inside out… and I felt cold inside out… and I could see my surrounding blurry doing as I was told. I tried to block the feeling and its humiliation by remembering all the reasons and all the justifications; I held on -as tight as I know how- to the context that brought me there as the words rigidly got out of my mouth. I did it when in my heart I knew I will never look at myself in the mirror and feel as proud... and it still hurts too much that I will be too ashamed to ask my God to bless and protect me and those I love, because today I took it on my own to do so, and I know I am not half as strong as I ask my God to be for me.
“some rise by sin, and some by virtue fall”
I just wish I fell… I would like to believe that if it were really my choice and if it were only me who’d deal with consequences, I would have chosen to fall.
Today was a bad day for me, for my stupid notions and my foolish foolish pride. Today, I only felt fear and shame, and that was a worse fall.
I just called my dad...He said I won't know until tomorrow because they announce the verdict after all sessions scheduled for today, and that it won't be public until tomorrow morning when he sends someone to check it. Alternatively, I could drive to el tgamo3 el khames and wait until they finish sessions and wait up hoping they would actually tell me. I feel like crying... oh, and my back is KILLING ME... I think I got too tense to the extent that I heard a cracking sound...All I want now is to go home and sleep it all off until someone finds out and wakes me; I just can't stand the anxiety anymore!El Sabr!
I was filling an application orally; I instinctively said “divorced” when asked about my marital status! El farag men 3andak YA RABBBB
While asking me to fill the rest of the application, the doctor couldn’t contain the surprise when he knew I was a mother of two; he said I was too young. It felt great to hear that. I said I was old enough to be a mother of two, he re-checked my birth date and insisted that I was young. I never think I look young but I just love hearing it! (I have issues that way)
The session was painful, to both my body and my mind. I never had that kind of therapy before and I didn’t really know what to expect. I didn’t acknowledge any of the physical pain I was feeling because I was trying to process whether it’s normal and expected to feel that way, or was it because I was sick, or was I just being a sissy!
“are you ok in there?” he asked, he was certain I was in pain
“no, it kinda hurts” I said, then I paused to reluctantly add “awy!!”
I don’t know… I sensed relief in his tone as I showed him where I was hurting, as if he thought it was strange that I didn’t scream in pain as expected. I didn’t want to scream in pain, I felt it, I screamed so loud in my head, but I contained it. I think my stubbornness to acknowledge the pain (as my friend refers to it) made him push harder.
He said my body was too weak, that particular area that hurt.
I don’t know, call me vain, but I always considered myself physically strong. I was brought up like a guy; my dad would sort of wrestle, and he used to have me carry my own luggage and help him with his as well as everyone else’s whenever we traveled.
Being told my body was too weak, I was reminded of the other two times I felt inadequate that way, the other two times when I felt my body failed me… pregnancy and labor. I was instantly reminded of my helplessness during the end of my pregnancy, and my crying in the hospital bed because I hated the pain and I hated having to feel it.
“relax, don’t resist and don’t help, just let go and relax”
I laughed… if only it were up tom me!
I have no idea if my fluctuating blood pressure is ruining my mood, or is it the other way around! All I know is that I found myself having this conversation!
Him: *walking slowly behind as he was talking to her over the phone and leaving me handle the boys all on my own*
Me: *looking at him and saying in an annoyed tone* could you please help me with the boys and leave that phone for a while!
Him: *giving me attitude* I am on the phone now!
Me: you can call her in 20 minutes after we drop you off, I am too darn tired!
Him: *rather yelling* I am watching my kids and taking care of them that way, but I am on the phone!
Me: *getting too angry and making sure she hears me*you cannot yell at me that way in front of your bitch!
Him: *disbelief*
Me: *walking faster and grabbing the boys as I was getting REALLY angry for losing my temper that way*
As I was putting the football in the trunk, my son had jumped out of the car while I was closing the trunk and it was stuck. For a second there, I thought I hit his arm with the door and I freaked. Meanwhile, he was still on the phone!
Me: *yelling* BEEM edkhol el 3arabeya la teddereb ba2a!
Him: *finally wrapping up the call and coming closer* gara eh ya (my name) malek 3asabeya leh we bettala3eeh 3al walad?!
Me: *trying to contain the temper* malaksh da3wa beya khales!!!
We got into the car…
Him: *in a rather scolding tone* ya3ne enty lama teegy tetgawezy, would you like me to show such disrespect of your future husband?!!
Me: *making sure all our dialogue is in English so that the kids wouldn’t grasp much* if I am ever to get married, he’d know better than to consume that much time on the phone when I am out trying to spend time with my kids!
Him: ya3ne mateteselsh beya 3ashan ento ma3aya???
Me: tetssel da motawaqa3 menha, but you should know better than to let it take that long!
Him: and what’s with the name calling?!
Me: she’s a bitch, here, I said it again!
Him: e7termy nafsek
Me: B.I.T.C.H BITCH!! And that’s the most decent word I can think of given that she was married when she had an affair with you while you had a son and your wife was pregnant BITCH!! Otherwise, her husband wouldn’t have left her!
Him: tetkalem bera7etha, she’s my fiancé now
Me: well then, maybe you should choose between talking to her on the phone and being with my kids at the same time!
Him: telephone eh, babaky is always on the phone!
Me: my dad lived with us all our lives, he didn’t see us once a weekend!!
Him: he spends every weekend in Alex because he can’t stand….
Me: *interrupting* SHUT UP! My father is a much better man than you’ll ever be, so I don’t think it’s in your favor to even mention him…
Him: *with a VERY sarcastic tone* ok your father is a great man, I am not a great man…
Me: *with more anger than I could handle* you’re not a man, period!
Him: nazeleeny hena
Me: *pulling over* enzel
I’ve never been that rude, and I hate that it happened in front of their boys and I hate him so damn much for pushing me that far!!!
I didn’t want to ruin the day for the boys, so I took them out all day and we visited my friend H and they had so much fun with her baby. I still feel guilty nonetheless.
There’s an old saying, careful what you wish for
I have this as my greeting on my mobile to remind me to never wish for things…
To just hope and accept when my hopes do not come to reality, and move on…
Never wish so hard because you spend too much energy and you will always end up disappointed, whether you get what you wished for or not.
It's that simple, or at least it should be!
Yet a wish always finds a way to sneak into my heart and into my prayers…
And for whatever reason, it comes true, as farfetched as it could be!
And it's just never the right wish!
I just wish for once that the right wish comes true for a change! And by the right, I mean the one that would really make me happy even if I don’t see it right now!
If that is not possible, then I wish I could just stick to hoping and learn not to get my hopes too high; one simple thing at a time should do…
I wish, no I hope…
this is exactly how I feel; every note and every word. I feel tired, I feel old, and I feel sad. I don't know if it's causing my anger or caused by it, but I know it's how I feel now.I will bounce back, I always do...Until then, enjoy the music!
Today I was out with a friend having fun, pure absolute fun after such a disturbingly annoying day with the x checking out schools. I got my end-of-the-week treat; I was sitting in a chair listening to all my favorite oldies brilliantly performed. Some of the songs brought back memories to which I am nostalgic, I closed my eyes and smiled as I put those memories back to where they belong. My whole body was moving with the same rhythm as the music, I sang along at the top of my voice and no one could hear (luckily), I clapped and cheered so loud until my hands hurt and my voice faded! I was genuinely happy. My friend and I left so that we can go home before we get in trouble, which is sad since we’re both above 25, VERY SAD. Nonetheless, we both found solace in knowing that we had a real good time and that for the hour we spent, neither of us had time to think of our crappy dramas and got to live a life we never really had anywhere beyond our dreams, fair enough, or so we contently compromised.Until that call!“Enty fein le7ad delwa2ty? Enty 3arfa el sa3a kam? Da kalam?” and BAAAMM hung up!Seriously, this is unfair!! I will turn 28 in June, and it wasn’t even 10 yet!!! 10 people!And my mood was dramatically changed, in those few seconds it took to end that call, how sad is that, how depressing!I felt like crying. My good mood was snatched from me so abruptly, the sudden switch of moods had a shocking effect that made me wanna curl and cry. How cruel, how insensitive! I really needed that evening out; it’s been a while since I went out on a music night and I reeeaaallllly needed the feeling I get after those. The music just makes me forget all about my problems and my issues and I heal for as long as I’m listening, and I know I can willingly go back to my daily fights and struggles without complaining knowing that I lived those few moments. Why is it too much to ask? Is that so horrible?! I know it’s useless to try and explain that to my caller, or the person who had him make the call. I know it will be a waste of my breath because even if I managed to get my point through, they will still find ways to make me seem irresponsible and selfish and whatever other labels they will feel like using. So as always, the silent treatment is the way to go; long live passive aggression! Now that I’ve ranted, I will go to bed trying to remember the thoughts and feelings I had as the music was playing and just dwell in them hoping they’ll visit me in my dreams more vividly. Goodnight.
For some reason I played it all in my head yesterday as I was dosing off and had I not been too tired to react, I would have gotten completely angry, but I ended up sleeping on that thought and waking up with a headache and an urge to throw up.
Whenever I heard stories of sexual harassment, I always thought “had it been me, I would have given my harasser a piece of my mind.” Truth is I never did! It’s disappointing to find out that I am not everything I’d like to think I am, and it makes me somehow mad at myself for being too shocked at your behavior.
Damn, I was caught off guard; I trusted you, I liked visiting and I enjoyed our chats, even the rather unfavorable ones. I thought you were skilled, well educated, sophisticated, and most importantly good mannered and had ethics; apparently I was badly mistaken and I am mad at myself for that.
I am MUCH younger than your daughter you pervert, I even perceived you as the sweet grandpa I never had!! EWWWW.
How could you –or anyone else for that matter- know of the mess my life currently is and take such advantage of it? It’s low and I find it impossible to understand, let alone accept!
You were told half of the story and you came to offer and adult’s opinion and I thought I made it clear that your advice was appreciated yet invalid. I was nice and sweet, and more importantly grateful for your kind words, little did I know!
Every time I remember our conversations and how all your remarks were dirty hints that I simply didn’t get because I am such a naïve person who still doesn’t get how people could be so twisted and sick. Arrgghhhh.
And it baffles me how you actually know my x and how it didn’t even disturb you that I might call him and that it might –just might- outrage him. Or was it him who made it sound like I was that cheap? I really don’t wanna know, I guess the fact that you know him well should have warned me, but the stupid utopian in me never assumes the worst of people.
I hate you. You disgust me, shame on you and your likes.
And I am angry at myself for not confronting you. For being too shocked to even look you in the eye and give you one of my glares. I keep remembering how I withdrew and how I tried so hard to pretend like I still didn’t catch on to your grossness and walked out promising myself I would never come back.
Now I need a new dentist because my temporary filling is decaying and I am starting to feel pain again, and the pain brings back those obnoxious memories. Uff.
Today I had one wisdom tooth brutally pulled out despite the anesthesia and the good dentist skills. I have it in my purse until I figure whether I should show it to my son or not. Then if wishes do come true when you make them before throwing teeth that were pulled out, I am so making a divorce wish.
Anyway, I guess this is a literal interpretation of my teeth dream, especially that I am scheduled for getting the one wisdom tooth I still have, removed within this month or the next. Teeth can be just teeth after all I suppose. My jaw and my skull hurt a bit now though, but it is ok I guess.
Apparently, that was not enough action for the day; I went to the pool and floated. YES I DID. I was so proud of myself; I was gonna jump up and down yaaaying and all, except that I was all on my own and I tend to be rather shy in public. Yeah I know, hard to believe.
I did not float for a long while though, but it was somewhere to start; at least I know I am actually capable of doing it. It’s like a milestone I tell ya, and yes, it is so relaxing and rewarding.
Not a bad day, not bad at all. I am grateful, الحمد لله.
So I have a huge and painful problem. I have the remains of what used to be a molar causing me mild pain so far; however, knowing how toothache can just erupt into some serious excruciating pain, I should know better and start getting the medical attention my molar needs.
The dentist who performed the root canal on this particular molar and has been preparing me to have a crown like five months ago (yeah, I am the worst patient ever!) is a family friend of my in-laws.
It took me all my years of marriage to actually let the man take a look at my teeth, because 1) I generally have very limited trust in doctors, 2) I have almost zero trust in my in-laws’ standards on which they choose doctors, 3) I am the worst patient ever, I wait until I am in severe pain; in this particular case, I waited until that molar was chipped while I was eating 3asaleya
Other than him being friendly with my current in-laws and his limited use of anesthesia, this very dentist is brilliant! He’s the best dentist I have ever been to, especially that we reached an agreement that it’s ok to drug me all he wants as long as I feel no pain :)
Now, my molar needs that crown pronto because it is getting even more brittle day by day, and I am not sure if the gum hurts or the molar itself; all I know is that I should have had a crown five months ago and I chickened because Dr. M started talking to me about getting back to the X!
Yes!! My great husband told the dentist that I am a crazy delusional woman who thinks he’s having an affair and acting all hormonal and stuff and leaving the house. He would have claimed I ditched the kids too if he had them for a couple of hours! NO, he has no shame. So, I did not explain to the man anything and instead, I never went back and ignored my poor molar all that time.
I don’t wanna ask around for another dentist, I really like that man, and I really trust him with my teeth. But if he starts telling me the things he did in my last visit I will probably burst into tears right there, which is just wrong!
Soooo, does the X and his family get the dentist in the divorce settlements and I should go on a dentist hunt? Or the hell with it, I should get the proper medical attention from the doctor of my preference?
Consider it a vote people! And yeah, if you think I should go to a different dentist, do recommend one, given that I need extra pain killers and that I keep looking at whatever reflecting surface to see what’s going on inside my mouth and I freak when I see blood that I might start crying… oh oh oh and most importantly, I HATE WAITING; I make reservations via phone, show up on time and expect to get in on time; otherwise i turn into a total biat$#.
