January 11, 2009

Touché


Sometimes, the fastest way to lose loved ones is by loving them to an extent where you start having expectations they can never meet.

This year, I lost two.

I know it’s a year because I remember being introduced to someone in January 2008 and those two were mentioned. I remember saying I loved those two so dearly that there was nothing in the world I wouldn’t give to them.

If I am asked the same question today, I’d say “they’re good people, God bless them” as I fight my tears and swallow that big lump.

I thought unloving my x was the hardest thing I had to do because he was “the one” or “the love of my life”! Obviously, that kind of love is overrated and it fades out when all the reasons cease to exist! Not to mention that the x went to extreme measures to earn his title as one hell of a jerk who has no ethics.

It hurts more to detach and disassociate from someone for whom you still care and love, and force yourself to stop caring, yet somehow still love them in a way!

It hurts much more when those people are decent and kind except that they still disappointed you in a way you can’t really handle!

It hurts to know that you might have caused it just as well.

It hurts in so many ways…

Because a part of you still wants to think it’s temporary, while the other part tell you it’s not, with proof…

Because you don’t know how to behave; pretend like nothing is wrong at least until you know you’re completely withdrawn, or show all the frustration and disappointment to ensure that there's no way back; that you won’t soften and get hurt further…

Hurt those once loved ones by telling them to their faces how you will no longer care, or let them hurt as they wonder what could have possibly happened to your relationship…

What hurts the most is that you keep asking “Did they notice? Does it hurt them too?” and you’re too scared to find out, because if the answer is yes, you’ll feel bad; however, you’ll feel much worse if the answer is no! and you can’t really stop wondering because you care.

It’s a sad and pathetic mixture of anger, disappointment, guilt, and linger… on top of all, you’re too proud to admit having that much conflict over a decision you've already made to preserve that pride!

12 comments:

Umslopagas said...

Haven't been here in a while, was too busy getting engaged, I apologize for that.

Anyway, your post reminds me of an old friend who kept on disappointing me, yes, it hurts like hell when you give your all to someone and they give you at their convenience.

That's all I have to say about it.

Keep blogging my good friend.

insomniac said...

are seriously apologizing for net getting ur depression dose over here because you were getting engaged??!!! seriously! apologizing!!!!!!

congrats :) and don't come here to drown your sunshine; i know i can be one hell of a damp blanket!

that being said, that's so very kind of you :) i will keep blogging, haroo7 fein :-/

Umslopagas said...

People's contemplations do not depress me, they enlighten me.

Thanks for the warm wishes:)

Askandarani said...

:-(( may be for the others it is their best, or for some reason or another they decide to hold back.we sence other people feelings why we dont meet their expectations is usually a dark secret.this is my second best post.

insomniac said...

glad to enlighten you umslopagas!


askandarani, i hate secrets, especially when they hide why some people would choose to disappoint... so which post is your first best??

Shimaa Gamal said...

I have always imagined detachment as losing body parts. Sometimes it is as easy as losing a fingernail and sometimes it feels like you are breaking bones extremely painful and destructively deforming. Sometimes is it fatal. It feels like you are losing your lungs and heart.
I agree that least painful is losing "the one". As the old wise Arab lady prioritized her beloved ones, She put her brother as the 1st priority and the husband (the one) as the last. She said, el zog mawgood, wel ebn mawloood laken el akh maf2ood.

Anything that's maf2ooda is fatal as losing your heart and lungs. In the best cases it will feel like living with a missing kidney or a small part of a liver. Anything that's mawgooda will range between the losing a fingernail feeling to a deforming bone break.

I have my own problems detaching from relations that I have over invested in. It is our over investment that eventually leave us breathless. We can avoid it by reviewing where and with whom are we placing our hearts. But unfortunately most of the times we are too blinded to do.

I am sorry to be that long. And I am sorry that I can't help.

الشنكوتي الكبير said...

دايما محيراني ولخبطاني كده
يا بنتي بيحصل كتير قوي
بس اللعبه بقى انك تتعاملي بنظرية الستك ودي نظريه جديده عن احدى العلامات في النصايح النفسيه
متعرفيهاش انتي
المهم يعني خلاصتها انك تخلي مشاعرك زي الستك تتمدد وتنكمش حسب الظروف لا تتأثري بحد بصوره كبيره ولا تخلي مشاعرك مرتبطه بحد قوي
لأن كل العلاقات متعرضه لمشاكل وخلافات
فمتبقاش كل مشكله هي ضربه قاضيه لحياتنا

وخدي بالك من نفسك
سلااااااااااااااااااااااام
اخوكي ايهاب

The.I.inside said...

Although I completely understand what you are saying, but I've never been like that. people for will always be temporary I hardly ever miss them. I get attached very easy but the losing a friend doesn't hurt me (like I know it should).
My current Friends I love, respect and I know that there is nothing that I wouldn't do for them.
I guess why that's people say I am emotionless and cold.

insomniac said...

shimaa,

u said it right... some relationships hurt more than others because of our "investment" in them... hence, detachment can be really easy or really hard! in this case it is hard.

thank you for wanting to help, u know u helped :)


Ehab,

kol el nas bete3raf teb2a astek ma3 el nas el 3adeya, laken fe nas mayenfa3sh gheer ennak te7ebohom awy, wel nas de lama beyewga3ook beyewga3ook aktar men ay 7ad.... i can't change that about how i feel for people, the ones i love, i will always love them too much, it's just how i function i guess...

shokran 3al nasee7a ya fandem :)


I,

like i said above, i am not all warm and fuzzy with random strangers... if anything, i am often "rude and arrogant"... but i respond to kindness, and when someone is kind enough to me, i find it tempting to go the extra mile by doing something nice for them....

you can multiply that by hundreds when it comes to those i love... i think it's something very hard to return... my bad i guess!

ur not emotionless and cold, may be u've just never been majorly disappointed because u never set your hopes too high, that's a blessing :)

Askandarani said...

my first fav is "On hope… "

Ice Queer said...

I quickly checked ur blog, loved it! C'est incroyable!
Am so going 2 follow it!

Ice Queer said...

@askandarani: wow such a small world! Am "Sopdet" of eftekasat forum =D