January 19, 2009

It's such a complicated society!


I don’t know if it’s our human nature or our society, but I find our tendency to complicate all matters very disturbing. I know it might sound a bit ironic and contradicting coming from someone like me who over thinks everything, especially with how long this post is expected to drag!

So here is where this is coming from…

I went out with my x last weekend, along with the kids; like a hallmark happy family and shit.

So this is how it was like…

Surroundings:

Thursday Evening – After I got off work, I picked the kids up from their nursery and met him at Carrefour Maadi, where the kids knocked themselves out in the kids playing area after getting more than their fair share of toys!

Friday – He picked us up from my parents’ after prayers and we spent the day at the club where the boys behaved like they’ve never seen sand in their entire lives!

The impact on the kids:

My Beem was glowing with happiness being around his daddy. He was so proud of the little toys he got and kept saying “babaya gabhomly”, he kept going on and on about how he loves his “baba M”. He behaved his best to impress his daddy and he told him “ana ba7ebak ya baba M” all of a sudden as they were sitting next to one another (of course the x had a bag full of toys next to him, but my Beem is unconditionally sweet when he feels like it nonetheless).

The next day at the club, Beem was happy showing off his scooter-riding skills. Surprisingly, my very cautious and rather easily scared Beem jumped from what would normally be a scary height to impress his daddy after his daddy taught him how to climb those monkey bars. I almost screamed myself; luckily the sand made his fall less painful than it would have been otherwise, and my Beem landed on his feet rather than his knees. *me so proud*

Mocha was rather calm and peaceful. It was his first time to interact with his dad. We’ve been separated less than a month after he was born and he refers to my father as “baba”. So I kept referring to my x as “baba” so that Mocha would pick up on it. He didn’t talk to him at all, but whenever I asked him to give something to baba, he obeyed smilingly.

The impact on me:

Strangely enough, I didn’t burn with jealousy when my son said he loved his daddy; in fact, I was proud that all the negative feelings I have for his dad did not get through, I was glad he didn’t pick on it. Alhamdulilah.

I cannot deny I felt some peace watching my sons having fun and running around happily. I sensed Beem’s sense of security every time he called for his dad, and I secretly kept hoping his father would live up to the father’s role in my sons’ life and that he would bond and make up for them for the past two years.

Generally, it was not straining for me. I was neutral; I was not angry or resentful, neither was I all sunshine and rainbow. I remained silent most of the ride and I barely had much to say unless it was about the kids; otherwise, whenever he tried to start small talk or befriend me, I pretended not to hear him and justified it by being tired and sleepy. My way of politely telling him that I didn’t want to talk.

I think he noticed how I quietly looked away whenever he tried to make eye contact. I think he also noticed I looked the other way whenever any of the past events were mentioned one way or the other; either by passing by a place that holds too many bad memories, or by him mistakenly mentioning something that has the wrong connotation. I still felt sick having to remember any of it.

I didn’t like how he kept asking if I was happy. I didn’t like how he tried to overdo the whole gentleman act either. Nonetheless, I did appreciate how we didn't have any physical contact and how he didn’t try to find excuses to make any. At least until he waited outside the door then held on to my hand for a while after the handshake was over. I never liked it when guys did that; it’s cheesy. I looked him in the eye as I pulled my hand a bit aggressively. I hope he got the message.

NOW

My mom is getting her hopes up that’s we’d be back. My sisters seem to have their own suspicions of his intentions and wondering how his next screw up would be like, I kinda have my own concerns as well. My father is avoiding the whole topic.

What’s upsetting me is that whenever I tell any of my friends what happened, I sound like I am defending the reason behind it and I feel like I have to clarify that NO I do not want back.

It’s really that simple; I agreed to let him meet with the boys because he has the right, getting a ruling from the court will only take time and it’s better for my kids' benefit that I do it amicably as long as I am not compromising any of my rights or security. It seemed to be a good idea given its effect on my boys.

Now, will I be considering a way back? HELL NO! He crushed me and my ability to trust in the whole notion of love. I am not devastated or heartbroken like I once thought I’d be, but my faith in love and marriage has forever been compromised.

As for him, I can’t look at him; I don’t even like looking at him. I don’t find anything he says interesting; in fact, most of the things he said the other day were extremely shallow and I would have normally grilled him with my ruthless sarcasm if I knew he could take it. So if I can’t look at him and I don’t find him interesting, not to mention the whole trust and respect issues I have clearly and repeatedly expressed on that blog, it is OVER.

According to the Egyptian norms, I am a crazy crazy woman.

I have been repeatedly told that I am making a big fuss out of something all men do and that any good wife belongs to her husband’s home. “Go home” they say, “you’ve already shown him your strength and made it clear that he cannot mistreat you and get away with it”. In addition to that, the man is a catch according to the lame Egyptian standards; he’s tall enough for me to never be his height no matter how high my heels are, he’s athletic, he has a career, drives a pricy car, and “shareeny”!!!!! Ya far7ety!!!!!!

Like all has been forgotten!!

Well I remember it all…

I remember how I first stumbled on each of his affairs…

I remember how my heart almost stopped the first time, I remember how hard I cried and I remember how abusive the confrontation was…

I remember that in the midst of all that I agreed to move out of the one home I ever belonged, so that his life would be easier and mine harder just to “be there for him” and “prove my love”…

I remember how my health kept deteriorating and how I kept going through one surgical procedure after the other, not to mention that my first c-section was due to severely high blood pressure which he caused in so many ways!

I remember how I made a huge fool out of myself forcing myself to believe his lies so that I can continue living with him only to stumble on more disturbing proofs of his lies…

I remember how my life turned to hell because I couldn’t trust him, and how humiliating it felt going through his messages and analyzing his words to find lies!

I remember how he finally stopped hiding his tracks and decided to do it all in the open and hide it by making me doubt my own sanity!

I remember wanting to die…

I remember the hospital fights, the worst postpartums, and the stitches that wouldn’t hold because of my constant sobbing!

I remember I almost caved in to all the pressures, and almost went back to him, more than once…

I remember each and every time I collapsed because I couldn’t…

I remember how angry he got because he couldn’t believe I rejected him after he “came clean”…

I remember the lies he said about me, lie after lie…

I remember how he said he no longer had kids, that they were dead to him, my kids…

I remember the ugliness that followed with his family showing their true color…

I remember my desperate cries and prayers and I remember very clearly the physical pain I went through in the process…

I remember how I managed to stand on my own two feet again, mostly with my father’s direct and indirect help and sometimes with my mom's and sisters', not to mention my friends…

I remember a lot of things that can make me angry all over again!! What people do not get is that the reason why I no longer get that angry is NOT because I am willing to go back; it’s because I realized I am too strong for him to break me and that I have nothing to fear of him.

I see how I bounced back, and I am proud of myself for it. I realize my losses and the damages he caused and I am ok with them. I have moved on, and knowing that, I can handle seeing him every day if I have to, as long as I am no longer his wife and I do not have to answer to him when it comes to my life.

It’s that simple, but people keep making their own assumptions about my feelings according to the expected behavior of women in my society, and the more I try to explain it, the more complicated it gets!! Look at how long that post have got when I tried explaining something so simple!!!

Sorry about that!

18 comments:

Marwa Rakha said...

I can't help but wonder which one was he?

Over the past six years or so, I have been targeted by married, separated and divorced men and they all told the same story "my wife does not understand me, I need love and romance, she does not share my dreams ... sob .. another sob ... I need someone like you"

I used to buy it until one day I called "the wife" .. I told her who I was ... I will never forget the tone of her voice ... the voice of a woman who was stabbed, left on the floor bleeding, yet trying to smile and sound ok.

I never believed that story again ... I warn people whenever I get a chance not to fall for the puppy look in their eyes .... which one is he?

Eventuality said...

3 words: toz fel nas :)

That's my new motto these days :)

insomniac said...

marwa,

ur comment provokes me into writing another post but i am too distracted at the moment!

i just deleted an eight paragraphed comment which was supposed to be the shorter version of what i had to say!!! i guess i owe you a post that way, i'll let you know :)))


eve,

love the motto :)

i don't care that they understand my logic, i just get frustrated when they keep imposing their opinions on me and i have no control over how my mind obsesses over it....

my mom says i am as bad as he is we toz feena e7na el etneen bas el mohem masla7et el welad!!!!! now i am as bad as him!!!! it makes me angry hearing her logic that led her to that conclusion and i can't help it!

Ice Queer said...

Our society problem is that we r still sufferring from double standards and that men have the upper goddammit hand!
U r such a strong lady! I've always wondered if our women can handle a healthy relationship with their ex after divorce for the sake of the kids, so u r a living example of that! Just ignore what ppl think, u don't have 2 explain or justify urself 2 anyone(except sometimes 4 ur parents/close friends)

And believe me, if ur ex want u back that will be becuz that beautiful image of the happy family u just described and am sure that deep down he's so threatened by ur strength and power so he'll do his best to get u bk 2 break this threat inside him and feel am-the-macho-with-upper-hand-here !

insomniac said...

well, u kinda said it... but here is the thing with men and women and their gender roles in this godforsaken society....

men think they should be all sorts of version of sel sayed... women on the other hand, refuse the set ameena persona and think it's so freakin smart to make the man think he's superior and yet manipulate him with her secret weapons (whatever they are!!)... and both parties continuously abuse one another on those grounds and it's crazy because in the midst of it all, they fail to do their parts towards each other but successfully manage to make each other miserable....

i was told "el set el shatra should do so and so and so...." most of which were things i didn't even know how to do.... and it's my fault i confronted him according to so many people... "mafeesh ragel bey7eb merato tebayenlo enaha 3arfa eno beyekdeb"!! does that mean that lying is justified and i should use it against him in a non-confrontational way... it's CRAZY!!!

i am not always that graceful with him... it can all change in heart beat if he pulls one cheap stunt... u see, my civil behavior is so conditional on his...

ur right again, he does want me back because he wants that image... he has always been attracted to the strong independent attitude, and he even enjoyed it more when he tamed me into the obedient wife; it made him feel more of a man that way... my occasional sarcasm used to feel like a threat all the time because it was usually about calling him on to his BS and tackling that threat u mentioned!!

thanks :)

Ice Queer said...

Ah mesh 3aref emta hanetre7em men nazaryet sel sayed di, it's inherited in a freaky way lol! But u know? Some ladies LOVE 2 be submissive and worships their dominating husbands!

Btw, listen 2 "Trktak" song of Wa3d(if u r into arabic music and know abt her), am sure u'll love it!

Frustrated said...

Listen, it is very obvious why people think you would return to him!! as an Egyptian scenario it seems to end that way!! & of course this is gonna be the happiest end for the kids, in some persons opinion. So, here is what I know, so far you lost faith in him (& all those other feelings that you are very good at expressing) & so far you didn't get over this till now (in spite of the long past period & the hard times you had with your kids), so it seems sweety that IT IS OVER!!

Mohamed ElGohary said...

It is said that people here never understand that every person has their personal life, they need to be shouted with the Fuck off expression to force them to give us space to live.

Fight for your freedom. Be well.

blackcairorose said...

Never had been a rebelious type but at a certain moment in my life I had to completely ignore what others said or how they assessed my steps. It is a moment many of us pass through and I guess it is your moment now.

Good luck

insomniac said...

IQ,

ironically, my father is a selsayed!! only in the good sense of the word, if there's any!! hard to explain!!!!

there was a time i thought i wouldn't mind being submissive wife... but even then, my definition of submissive is too controlling for the egyptian man i suppose!!!!

i checked the song... didn't like it much, thought it was a bit generic for my taste (my music preferences only make sense to me).... i like Julia's "lab2a7lamak" and "meghalat bel 3enwan" and Rima's "bikafini"... kinda covers what i feel for him!!

insomniac said...

Frustrated,

tab bezzemetek, if u see me and my x in the next family gathering, hate2dary tessalemy 3aleeh!!! LOL

my point was, no, it's not the normal thing to do after all that's happened... i know none of our family knows the details but everyone knows i've been separated and just going back because is not the normal thing...

as for me moving on... i moved on emotionally as far as my feelings for him are concerned... i have not completely moved on with the whole divorce thing and its consequences... i still get my "panic attacks" when i have one of the big fights with mom and she shoots her harsh words my way... i still have my big fears when it comes to the boys and my responsibility towards them... i am just good at distracting myself when it gets too much for me to handle.... thanks to you and the rest of my friends, you guys help at those times :))

insomniac said...

Mohamed,

u know, i used the f*** off expression all my marriage years... i was known for my attitude... it never worked bardu!!!

ppl just assumed that i was a much tougher person than i really was and went to the next level!!!

like i said, i am tired of fighting, so i will just try being mellow for a while... at least i know i can't be forced back :)

thanks

insomniac said...

blackcairorose,

all my life i was the rebel, especially when compared to my sisters!! at college, they almost had my photo with a warning because of the way i would argue over and over until i get what i wanted!!!

i can tell you now, it never got me anywhere... like i said, ppl assume ur tougher and push u harder to break you.... it's easier to not care, i am trying to learn how to do that, any clues????

thanks :)

The.I.inside said...

I'd tell you, not to care about what people say and not get angry about their assumptions, except that yoiu said it only makes people push you harder. and I really believe you are true. People everywhere, believe that a rebel can be tamed, no matter how hardcore he /she is. so next time someone tell you that you should go back, you should just smirk and say it's in god's hands or something along the lines.
I think such outing is very health for your kids, especially when they are that young.
Pat your self on the back, what you just did, is a true example of doing what's good for your children even when you hate doing it.

Anonymous said...

you remind me of myself 5 years ago. the panic attack the end of life as I know it. even if your start again with another man, divorce will be part of you forever. I choose to not see my X ever again, because we didn't have kids. I took all the hurt that I endured with him in my new relationship and I am trying so hard to heal and keep on moving. There is sunshine at the end of the tunnel

Boutayna

insomniac said...

I,

i hate how people think it's their job to tame the rebels!!

but like u said, it's better to stop explaining and fighting over something that i think is bound to happen anyway given time :)

thanks :)


Boutayna,

i don't really get text book panic attacks... i just freak out occasionally when i am confronted by the the responsibility i have ahead of me when it comes to my boys....

the whole other man thing is too complicated to consider or think about at the moment because of the kids... not to mention my own agenda :))

trust me, if it i didn't have kids with him, i would have left the whole country to avoid running into him or into people who happen to be his friends...

i doubt the whole sunshine at the end of the tunnel... i am just hoping i stop hating the tunnel and find my way to appreciate the tunnel and enjoy the ride until the end :)

thanks though :)

batates_777 said...

Speechless...I once thought I will not pass by your bolg again coz of the bad feeling it leaves on me!!..am way touched and moved with your story ! way angry with that man who is supposed to be your "X" ! way prourd of you ,coz you are tryin to move on and do the mother role despite all surroundings ! and move on with your life however others are tryin to impact!
those couple of days you spent with the X and kids , the anger inside...the content you that your boy is happy with his father ! all of those contradicted feelings ! gosh !! I am sure you passed through alotttt !! this is too much !! and again you hv to explain it to others to buy it !! you dont hv to ! you really dont hv to !
Screw the society ! whatsoever really!
do it your way..
and really AM Proud of you ..coz you know what you want and well determined ! and not acceptin to just go with the flow ! as most of women do here ! begad bravo !!
yet I am still sad..I really am ! I am losin faith in marriage and love too ! the whole thing really ! though I am not married yet " am on the process actually" ..but I am one of those who always thinks " what if ?" ..I too over think it ,which sometimes drives me mad ! and always doubt men ,and i hv seen around too many of your X type ! I hve always fears of what you already went through ! I sometimes Panic of just the thinking !
I donno.
again, I wish you happiness, and just wish you get over it sooo soooooooooon, insha2allah.
pray..as strong as you can do , I know it is soemtimes hard to do,especially when one is weak..but try to ..and insha2allah you will pass it, you will girl
keep the faith,and everything will be alright.
take care :X

insomniac said...

thanks batates, and sorry if my blog leaves has a negative impact on you....

for whatever it's worth, i am not as angry as i once was, i would like to think that i've come a long way alhamdulilah... i had to put my anger right there in front of me to remind myself of where i was, and to know if i had moved on since then or not.....

i don't believe in love and marriage mostly because of the way they are done in our society.... but i would like to think they have a bigger worth when done in different ways, i don't know them yet and at this point i am not that eager to find out, but that doesn't mean i should scare other people, God knows i've probably scared enough as it is :))

have a great life