January 8, 2009

Sick and Tired


Despite all my recent attempts, I am still officially depressed! I am too depressed to even rant about it!

I keep wondering what the point of anything is! Nothing changes for the better; ok, sometimes it does, but it’s for a short while and then it falls apart again, everything!

I don’t even have the energy to feel angry or cry; I am accepting the way things are and I am tired of fighting back, que sera sera.

So for the time being, I am sulking in bed, defying my insomnia and clinging to every trace of sleep I can get even if I can hear my mom ranting or my kids calling for me.

There is simply no point of trying to be better or making things better; if things won’t be better either way, then I can’t keep on trying, it’s too draining and I am all out of energy.

I’m sorry, I don’t have in me to keep pushing myself any further; it’s futile, and in the end, something will always crash and burn, so I better not get my hopes up or work hard for whatever it is I most probably won’t get.

I am not letting myself drown, I am just floating away to wherever the tides take me and I don’t care where that would be.

8 comments:

jessyz said...

‏ ‏ اللهم إني أعوذ بك من الهم والحزن وأعوذ بك من ‏ ‏ العجز ‏ ‏ والكسل وأعوذ بك من الجبن والبخل وأعوذ بك من ‏ ‏ غلبة ‏ ‏ الدين وقهر الرجال ‏

Maybe this will help.

Ma 3lina said...

I could not huv described my state more than u had in this post !!

Frustrated said...

Hello dear,
It has been a long time!!
I am not gonna say any of those supportive words or whatever, I simply know that once a person gets into this stage of yours, it will take its time & resolves on its own! regardless our attempts to make it shorter! This applied typically for some types of personalities, where yours is among their top list:)
So, just try to keep your life going; work, kids & even breaks & leave that mood issue alone!
And of course I needn't to say that I am always here for you, though I have exams next week!! da3awatek

Shimaa Gamal said...

The bright side is, you are not letting yourself drown. Floating sometimes is the best to be done yet you gotta watch out for the direction the tide is taking you. Probably it will be a nice place but just keep alerted in case you wanted to find your way back.
I am not going to say cheer up. I will recommend a good session of crying to flush all these unpleasant thoughts away. Then an outing with some friends where you can exercise eating and crying as well.
You are a strong woman my dear. Fate fears women like you, or why do you think he goes harsh on them?!

hurricane_x said...

I'm speechless..!
Maybe cuz that's what I've been doin' lately, but...
I guess sometimes we kinda need that floating phase, either for the reason of being exhausted or just because we have no other choice!
May God give you peace and serenity.

insomniac said...

jessyz,

in sha' Allah it will help, thanks


ma 3alina,

don't feel this way, at least u can go out have fun with friends without worrying what ur boys are doing in the meantime, and without worrying that you're being judged for ur brief moments of pseudo-freedom!


frustrated,

i catch my mind figuring ways out of this mood, but thing is, i don't want out, screw it all!


shimaa,

trust me, drowning seems so tempting, the only thing keeping me is knowing that as lame as i can be, i am my kids' best option and i have to float


hurricane,

it sucks when it's because ur both exhausted and u have no other choice! keteer awy ya3ne!!!

thanks and amen...

The.I.inside said...

I know there is probably a load of cheering up words and hold strong. but i can't get my self to say *type*. the state you are in is very tempting , so I'd say enjoy it while it last cause it doesn't last for long , suddenly you'll find that you have to float or sink.

insomniac said...

trust me, i am not here because it's tempting; on the contrary, i don't feel tempted to do anything, lack of temptation if u may!!

problem is i still think drowning is better than fighting to keep head above water, nothing seems to be worth it (said in a depression-free tone)